A/N1 I just wanted to thank you in advance for reading. This is set in the first half of season 5, and I hope you'll like it! Oh, and this chapter wasn't beta'd so all mistakes are my own. Sorry… Hope there aren't too many
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As she was slowly waking from her dream, Sara was becoming aware of the rays of sunlight caressing her skin, warming her body. The nightmare that had become her faithful companion ever since that night out in the dessert suddenly didn't seem so familiar anymore. It felt like maybe it was losing it's grip on her, like it was starting to fade into something less horrifying.
She needed to get out of the hotel. She needed to feel the wind against her face, and the smell of the ocean. And she knew exactly where to go… As soon as she got dressed she put on her coat, stuffed the envelope in her pocket, and closed the door behind her. When they first met in San Francisco all those years ago he had taken her to this beautiful place by the sea. It was nothing special, but it was quiet and beautiful… and theirs. And as she sat down on the bench looking out over the ocean, tugging the envelope from her jacket, it was almost like he was there with her. And in her heart she knew he was…
September 23rd 2004
Sara came back to work tonight. She stopped by my office in the beginning of the shift, but we didn't get a chance to talk. It was a busy night. I need to talk to her about her counselling… hopefully I'll get a chance to do it tomorrow night…
'It took a while before we got a chance to talk', Sara though to herself. She had been meaning to talk to him that night. And when that didn't work out she had been meaning to talk to him on the next shift. But something seemed to get in the way every time, and after a while it was just easier to let it go. Her counsellor had told her to talk to him, about her family, about her history, and she had wanted to. But like everything else between them, it was difficult, and the timing was never right… She remembered rehearsing her speech to him, trying to find the right words, but when it got down to it, something always got in the way. She never really thanked him for what he did for her back then. Somehow he had managed to work something out so that she didn't get suspended. She had used some of her vacation time, and her secret had been kept safe from the rest of the team. All she had to do was see the PEAP counsellor, which she had agreed to. She often wondered how he had managed to pull that off…
Greg had his final proficiency test today, well, it was supposed to be his final anyway. I couldn't let him pass after he actually used the toilet in our crime scene. I guess I expected more from him. I didn't think he would be that stupid. To be honest, I wasn't sure about giving him a second chance… but as he was leaving my office, I remembered that he does deserve it. And I shouldn't have yelled at him in front of Hodges… but on the upside he'll never let Greg forget it, so I guess it's safe to say he won't ever make that mistake again.
October 14th 2004
This case has been keeping me up at night… I have all these thoughts running through my head, and I can't seem to sort them out, can't make them stop. Daniel Perez killed his sister. She was brought into this world with one purpose in mind; to save his life. He had leukaemia, and Alicia, she was conceived in vitro to be a genetic match to him. What she went through, I don't think any of us can ever imagine. And Daniel, he wanted it to stop. He didn't want her to be in pain anymore. He had finally got his parents to agree to put a stop to it, when his kidneys failed. Their promise to spare Alicia was only good when it came to his leukaemia, and this being a completely different matter they now wanted her to give him a kidney. He had no more than 6 months to live. 6 more months and Alicia would have been free, but instead, he killed her. Because his parents wouldn't let him go, because they wouldn't stop, and because he couldn't live with all the pain that he was causing her, he killed her. Apparently Daniel's God forgives murder, but not suicide. So to him there was no other option. He'll be dead before the trial, and has no doubt that his God will forgive him when that time comes. None of this makes any sense to me…What kind of God would want a brother to kill his sister, what kind of God would put a family in a situation where they have to choose between their children…? I know many people have found their salvation in religion, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if it hasn't doomed just as many. I don't know what I believe in anymore…
When we talked in church, Daniel seemed at peace with his fate. He said he was lucky, because he knows how and when he's going to die. I can't stop thinking about that. Most people think that being diagnosed with a terminal illness is the worst thing that could ever happen to them, but I guess in many ways it really can be a blessing. I think if I had to choose between that, or passing away unexpectedly one night, in my sleep, I would chose the illness. It would give me a chance to do all those things I've been putting off for later, it would give me a chance to tell the people in my life how I really feel, to tie up the loose ends… It would give me a chance to do all the things I never dared to do before. It's ironic, but I guess being told that you are going to die, in many ways gives you the opportunity to really live. It's like that song; "Live like you were dying". Maybe we should all live like that, sadly very few have the courage to really do it. But the fact is that one day it will all be over, and I don't want that day to come without ever having told her how I feel. If I died today, I don't think there's anything I would regret as much as I'd regret never saying those words out loud to her…
Sara thought back to a conversation they had once. It was after Jim was shot, after he almost died, that Gil had told her about how he wanted to know in advance that he was dying. And then he told her about all the things he would want to do if he was given that chance… About how he would want to go back to the rain forest one more time, that he wanted to re-read Moby Dick, maybe even enter an international chess tournament. He had told her that he wanted to know so that he could say goodbye to the people he loved… And when she had kneeled down in front of him and looked into his eyes she had known without a doubt that that was her, that he loved her. She could still picture him clearly as he was laying there on the bed, the horrible shirt, the vulnerable smile…she could still almost hear his voice as she imagined the words coming out of his mouth. She could still feel the love she had felt when she looked into his eyes… She could still taste his kiss on her lips, and she hoped desperately that the memory of it all would never fade... It was one of those moments that happen when you least expect it, one of those moments that remind you what really matters in life, of what you have, of what you can't afford to loose… And no matter how hard you try to make that moment last forever, it passes you by, and all you can do is try to keep it safe in your heart and never ever forget the way it made you feel.
Oct. 28th 2004
In this job you meet a lot of different people, different lifestyles, and I try to never judge anyone. It's not my job to judge, it's my job to observe. These people were swingers. They had a lot of rules, and they had a lot of secrets. And if it's anything I've learned doing this job, it's that secrets have a way of coming out, and rules tend to be broken. Both were true for this case as well. Happiness… is relative. I don't think it's possible to define happiness. They said they were happy together, and who am I to say that what they're doing is wrong. I could never live like that, but that doesn't mean no one else should. But in the end I think every one of their rules were broken, and a child's life was ruined. "The kids must never know…" The most important one of their rules…broken.
Catherine came by my office today. She asked me to recommend her for the position as day shift supervisor, now that Ecklie is being promoted. I wrote the letter of recommendation a week ago. I knew she wanted it, and in my opinion she's the best choice. I hope she gets it. She's worked hard and I know it'll make things easier for her with Lindsey. She deserves it…
Nov. 4th 2004
It's over. It's over and it ended exactly the way he wanted it to… I don't know how to describe what I felt when I realized that he was back. The blue paint mixed with the motor oil. Part of me was terrified, because this guy had outsmarted me before. Part of me was relieved, because this actually gave me another chance. Another chance to get him, to stop him… It bothers me that I let him get away before. Because of me someone else had to die in order for us to get close to him again…I don't know how I feel about the fact that it's over. I don't even know if we ever would have caught this guy if it wasn't for the fact that he wanted to get caught. He played us like pawns right up until the part where he killed himself right under our noses… Kevin Greer, every time I close my eyes I see him sitting there, on the toilet, with that black plastic bag over his head… I tried to bring him back, I tried to make him stay alive, but he was gone. Maybe it was for the best, but part of me feels like we lost. He got the ending that he wanted. I just can't stop wondering if I would have been able to catch him if he didn't want to get caught…
Sara knew this case had bothered him more than most. She knew that he knew the names and birth dates of all the girls Greer had killed. She knew he felt responsible for their deaths, because he hadn't been able to stop him. She had worked the case with him, and seen how it affected him. She was the one who found out that his last victim wasn't real. Brit Mosscoe aka Miss October. One final sick joke on them. Giving him time to kill himself… Yeah, in many ways he had won. They had all been puppets on his stage, but at least it was over, and he would never hurt anyone ever again…And to her, that was what really mattered. And there was nothing in the world she was more sure about than the fact the Gil would have caught him… with or without Greers participation…
Nov. 11th 2004
I was about to give a speech at Ecklie's promotion when I got a page, it was a 419. I can't say I was sorry to leave, but I have a feeling I'll regret leaving Catherine with the speech. Especially considering the fact that I hadn't written one… I worked with Sofia Curtis on the case. She works dayshift, and I guess I should have recognized her when she stepped into the elevator, but I didn't. She talks a lot. She processes the scene with her mouth, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't annoy me. But in all fairness, I did try it out, to see if it had any value as a scientific method. Didn't work for me…But she's smart, and it was refreshing to work with someone different. She's not afraid to speak her mind either, and I like that. She even glued my bowtie together. I never did figure that thing out. Catherine usually ties it for me, and every time she makes sure to point out that I need a woman. Only problem is I'm not sure the woman I have in mind knows how to tie a bowtie…but now that it's glued together that doesn't really matter, does it…
"Sofia…" Sara though to herself… they never really got along all that well. At least not in the beginning… The truth was that in so many ways they were too alike. They were strong, outspoken, independent women. They were tough as nails, but still vulnerable… and there was Grissom. Sara always knew Sofia liked him, she could feel it, and it had scared her. Because it had seemed like he liked her too. "And she was beautiful…" she thought to herself. Sara had never really felt beautiful, not until one day when Gil finally made her see herself through his eyes…
Nov. 18th 2004
We tend to fear what we don't understand. We tend to fear the unknown. It's in our genes. Hundreds of years of civilization haven't been able to wipe that out, and I'm not sure it ever will. For these people being hated is normal. It's what they've come to expect. Because outsiders can never truly understand them, and very few even want to try. The woman that was found stabbed to death in her car, Wendy Garner, she had had genital reassignment surgery. "She"… used to be a "he". She spent her life feeling like she was in the wrong body, and then, when she finally got to be who she felt like she had always been, she started spending her life hiding who she used to be. Her fiancée didn't know, she didn't feel like she could tell him. I guess I understand her fear, because the truth is that very few men would accept something like that. But for some reason he seemed different. Maybe he would have understood if she had given him the chance… But it takes a special kind of trust to tell another human being your deepest darkest secrets. The victim's best friend, Mimosa, called me at my office and asked me to meet her at the Apple Martini, so I did. She told me she trusts me, because I'm an outsider... I guess in many ways I am. I always have been, ever since I was a kid. I never understood their jokes, I never took part in their games, I wasn't one of them. So yes, I do know what it's like to be different. And I guess she saw that… I guess I looked a little startled when she touched my hand, because she quickly reassured me that this was about soul, not sex. I invited her to my office when the case was closed. I felt that she deserved to hear it from me. The fact that Wendy was killed by someone from within their own community was hard on her. These people live in a world separate from mine. Not because they want to but because we won't let them in here. Because we're too afraid. Afraid of what we don't understand. Maybe that's why I've always had this need to learn… because I don't want to fear, I don't want to hate. And it's a lot easier to hat what you don't know…We're all human beings, and we all have at least one thing in common; we all go through life searching for happiness. And if we're lucky enough to find it, then all we can really do is try to find the courage to reach out and grab it, and never let it go…
It was one of those things she had always loved about him. The fact that he never passed judgement on anyone… As long as a person didn't hurt anyone else with their actions, he would never tell anyone how to live their life. He never pretended to be better than anyone else, and she knew that's all he had ever wanted from the people around him. To not be judged. "I guess we all want that", Sara thought to herself, and yet we're usually so quick to pass judgement on anything that's slightly outside what we consider normal. And when you think about it, what could be more ignorant than to think you alone have all the answers. That you alone know what's right and what's wrong. We're all products of where we come from, of our parents, of the people we meet, of the things that happen to us. It all comes down to where we're born, with a little bit of genes mixed in. So who's to say who's right and who's wrong… Who are we to make that decision…
Nov. 25th 2004
I should have seen this coming. Maybe I could have played my cards better, maybe I could have kept us together. But the fact is that I didn't even know what was happening until it was too late. Politics again… Ecklie has been after me for years, he's been waiting for a chance to break us up, and he finally did it. The guys feel guilty. But I'm the only one to blame for this. They were ambushed, and they shouldn't have to cover for my shortcomings. I know I have faults, and maybe I'm not the best supervisor, but he has no right to question my team's effectiveness. We have the highest solve rate, no one even comes close. Sofia got caught in the middle. Ecklie was counting on her to sell us out for a position as day shift supervisor, but she has a lot more integrity than that. She committed career suicide when she decided to do the right thing, and she knew it. But she did it anyway. So he degraded her. She has to work under me now. And just to prove his point he gave Catherine the position as swing shift supervisor instead of days. I had a talk with Nick and Warrick after shift. I feel like I let them down. If had been a better supervisor… if had had even the tiniest political bone in my body, then maybe I could have prevented this. Maybe I could have kept us together. Maybe I'm just being stubborn in refusing to play his game. And because of it I've lost Nick and Warrick and Catherine. Part of me doesn't want to accept it, but there's nothing I can do right now…
Sara remembered when he had told her that their team was being split up. He had gathered them all in his office, and quietly explained that Nick and Warrick would effective immediately be working under Catherine on swing shift, and that she, Greg and Sofia would be staying with him on graveyard. He had seemed resigned, and sad. And she had felt so angry. Angry and guilty. Ecklie had asked her about her PEAP counselling and if she had talked to Grissom about it. She had lied, she told him they had had an "abbreviated" conversation about it. They hadn't even done that, and she wasn't a very good liar. She had been heartbroken about losing Warrick and Nick, even Catherine. But she had still had him, and Greg, and together they had managed to find a way to move forward.
Dec. 9th 2004
It's different after the shift changes. The dynamics have changed. I know that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I guess it takes some getting used to. I haven't really had a chance to talk to Catherine since she took over as swing shift supervisor, so I went to her office to see her today. I even brought her a little house warming gift for the new office. I have a feeling she didn't really appreciate the fetal pig though, cause as I was leaving this morning it was back in it's regular place in my office. I think she's okay though. She'll take good care of Nick and Warrick. And I know they'll take care of her. But it's strange not working together anymore. It feels like we've worked together forever, and… she's my friend. We didn't always talk all that much but I'm used to having her around, and I could always count on her setting me straight when I was out of line. It's nice to have someone like that, someone who will tell you the truth no matter what, someone you know will tell you what you need to hear, and not what you want to hear… Real friends do that.
The case we finally wrapped up tonight was horrifying. Greg found a young boy in a dumpster on a crime scene. He was emaciated, and dumped in the trash like garbage. He was only 5 years old. Devon Malton. His mother had left him and his two brothers with her cousin. She spent the money the mother was sending for her boys to buy a new television, and locked the boys in the basement. She left them there to die… Sara, Greg and Jim found the other two boys in time. They were still alive. I can't stop thinking about this woman, walking around in her house, eating, drinking, watching her brand new television, all the while knowing that three innocent children are dying in her basement. Knowing that she is slowly killing them…It makes me sick…
It had been one of those cases Sara knew she would never forget. The boys had been in the system, just like she was at one time. Sara remembered the conversation she had with the girl who was in the same foster home that the boys had been in. That was the first time Sara had ever told anyone that she had been in foster care. She saw this girl that reminded her so much of herself, and suddenly all her defences were down. The girl, Glynnis, she had old eyes… Like she had seen too much for her age. Things children shouldn't have to see. But she was smart, and Sara saw a strength in her that made her certain that she would make it. 8000 child abuse and neglect cases a year… That's what the case worker told her. "There's only so much you can do". Sara knew it was true, it was the harsh reality, but that didn't make it any less hard. And it didn't make Devon Malton any less dead…
Jan. 6th 2004
Greg passed his final proficiency test today. He's grown a lot since he started working in the lab. He's become a man. The way he dealt with this case proved that in every way. And he even got to investigate the death of Sherlock Holmes himself. Sadly, I don't think he's learned how to appreciate a good old fashioned mystery yet. But there's still time… He was thorough, he collected the evidence, he built a case, and when he thought there was something missing, he went back and found it. His interpretation of the evidence was wrong… but that's why we're a team. To help each other when we're stuck. I don't expect him to be right all the time. And when I asked questions about his case, about his conclusion, he didn't make any excuses, he just listened, and he did what was necessary. What more can you ask of anyone…
Jan. 13th 2004
Sara came by my office tonight. She wanted to apologize. She was afraid that what she told Ecklie when he asked about our post PEAP counselling session contributed to the team being broken up. I'm the one who should be apologizing, for putting her in a situation were she feels like she has to cover for me…She looked great tonight. I mean, she always does, but there was just something about her. She didn't look tired anymore, she didn't look defeated. She looked like she was happy. I don't know what to make of what she said. In many ways what she told me tonight was everything I've always wanted to hear from her. She told me I was the reason she came to Vegas. That I'd always been a little more than a boss to her… Just like that, she bares her soul to me in those few sentences. She said it was her fault that our relationship has been difficult. It's not… I guess none of us are without fault, but I'm the one who have been at constant war with myself ever since she came here. I'm the one who have been fighting my feelings, I'm the one who have pulled her in when I've been weak, and pushed her away when I've been scared. I'm the one who's so terrified and insecure that I'll never be able to let anyone come close to me ever again.
I don't know when I got to be this way, maybe I always was. But it's not getting any easier. It's what she said next that keeps me up at night. That's what I keep going over and over in my head. "Let's just say that sometimes I look for validation in inappropriate places". Those were her words. It still feels like a big stone is lodged somewhere in my chest. I panicked, for the first time it really hit me that maybe it was too late. That I had blown it… I started to ask her out to dinner, but I only got halfway through the sentence. I hesitated, again…because I started thinking… "inappropriate"… and then she stopped me. She said it was okay, and she smiled. One of those beautiful smiles, and she thanked me. Said we finally did our session. All this time we've spent together since she came here, there has always been this door slightly open between us. She's left it open for me, so that I can come and go as I please. And I took that for granted, never realising how much it hurt her every time I looked inside only to turn around and walk away again. Tonight she closed that door. I think she's at peace with the way things are between us. I think she's come to terms with the fact that it may always be this way, and that there's nothing she can do to change it… to change me. And the most amazing part is that she has no anger or resentment towards me at all. She has every right to be angry and hurt, but she accepts me with all my flaws, and even makes it easy for me. After all we've been through, after all I've put her through, she still doesn't judge me…
The counselling had helped Sara in many ways. Her past, her present, her future, it was all linked closely together, and the counselling had made her take a long hard look at herself and why she had ended up in the place that she had. The answers were many, and she knew she wouldn't figure it all out in a day, maybe she never would. But she had known for sure that he was not to blame for any of it, nor could he be the solution. And that day, in his office, she had finally let go if it all. Her intentions hadn't been to tell him it was too late, it was simply to let him know that whatever happened, it would be okay. That she accepted him and that she would be okay. It was time for him to decide where to go next. Truth be told, she had given up hope of a relationship with him long ago, but she was hoping maybe their friendship could be saved. And she had realized that the only way to do that was to back away and give him some space, instead of pushing him further and further into a corner. That's why she had stopped him when he had started to ask her out to dinner. She knew he wanted to say the words, but she hadn't wanted him to. Because it would have been a result of her pushing him, just like she always did. He would have done it because she had told him that she moved there for his sake, and she never wanted that… This way, their future was in his hands, and she was fine with that.
As her thoughts drifted through their conversation, a chill went through her spine, and she realized that the sun was setting in the horizon. It was getting cold, and the sky above her was a wonderful shade of pink and purple… "I wish you were here…" she whispered to herself, as the last rays of sun graced her face before dropping off the edge of the world…
TBC
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A/N2 The song Grissom is referring to; "Live like you were dying" is by Tim McGraw, and it means a lot to me. I'm actually listening to it right now…
A/N3 This was a difficult chapter to write. I really struggled with the last scene, from Snakes, when they talk in his office. I've watched it a million times, and I can't help but feel this huge lump in my throat when I see the way his face drops from her comment about looking for validation in inappropriate places. It's just sad… If you have time to leave a review I'd love to hear your thoughts about that scene, what it means to you… or on anything else you'd like to share! Anyway, next up is Nesting Dolls (yay!), Committed, Grave Danger and a lot of other great episodes.
Have a great day!