Title: If You Ever Have Need
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: T
Warnings: Slight violence and mild language. No beta. All mistakes are my own
Pairings: Mostly Merlin/Arthur friendship. Some mentions of Arthur/Gwen romance. No Slash
Spoilers: Through the end of season 2
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or ideas. I just like to play with them. (Okay...that sounded wrong, but you know what I mean.)
Summary: When yet another creature attacks Camelot, Merlin is forced to reveal his powers. Unable to kill his closest friend, Arthur sends him away. What does that mean for their destiny?
Author's Note: So...This chapter just about killed me. I literally wrote half a dozen different drafts. Gah! Anyway, I went back to reread what I wrote and realized that I made a mention at the beginning that Morgana was still in Camelot. Just pretend that Morgause never used her with the Knights of Medhir and that Morgana never went evil. Sorry for the confusion.
Chapter 10: Surprise?
If the situation hadn't been so serious, the horrified look on Merlin's face would have been downright comical. Leon felt a mad desire to laugh when he saw it, but he controlled himself and embarked on some quick thinking.
They obviously couldn't waste time looking for Merlin seeing as he was sitting three feet away, even if Arthur didn't know that. The prince's sudden moment of inspiration certainly put Merlin, or Emrys rather, between the hammer and the anvil.
Leon had long believed that Arthur regretted his actions the night of the wyvern attack, but couldn't admit that to himself or figure out how to make up for them. The prince had reacted instinctively, on ideals that had been drilled into him since birth. Leon had been rather surprised when Arthur had given Merlin the chance to walk away, but also very grateful. He'd been as taken aback as the prince to discover that Merlin had magic. The unassuming, goofy manservant didn't seem the type to have magic. If he'd revealed himself any other way than saving the entire city, Leon would probably have turned Merlin in himself. Instead, it had been clear that all Merlin was trying to do was save the city and everyone in it. Leon had quickly come to the conclusion that, sorcerer or not, Merlin was not a threat to Camelot.
He had gone to Gaius as soon as possible for answers, just as Arthur had. His suspicions concerning the many lucky breaks he and the other knights had had when fighting with Arthur had been growing since the wyvern attack and were confirmed by Gaius. Now that he knew what Merlin had been up to, it was almost painfully obvious that Merlin had saved their lives more times than they could ever repay. It was so clear that there had always been something different about Merlin they must all have been somehow willfully denying the signs of the truth. How else could they not have been suspicious when a manservant walked away unscathed from a dragon attack?
Since then, Leon had done what he could to silently support Arthur, who was clearly suffering from what had happened. Everyone could see that he was actually missing his servant, though he would never admit it for propriety's sake. Being the only one, besides Gaius and Merlin, to know what had happened, Leon had done what he could. It had pained him to see his prince so conflicted.
The months had gone by quickly and little had changed. Arthur was still conflicted, Merlin was still gone, and the other knights were still in the dark. The king had remained oblivious to his son's distress. Morgana was another story. She'd quickly realized that Arthur's distress was linked to Merlin's absence and had begun badgering him about it. When Arthur had finally snapped at her, Leon had decided to ignore propriety and had pulled Morgana aside to tell her that she really did need to leave the subject alone. His breach of knightly conduct had been enough to convince Morgana to leave Arthur alone, though she had grown even more concerned.
Leon had been considering looking for Merlin himself, dragging the warlock back, and finding some way to force him and Arthur to talk when the prince had been injured so badly by the bandits. His resolve had only increased after the attacks. He'd never been so relieved as when he'd overheard Gaius talking to the healer and calling him Merlin. Suddenly, the stunned and oddly concerned look that had crossed the healer's face when he'd first come running to answer Leon's call had made sense.
The knight never could have predicted how complicated things would become after that, but he was glad that he at least knew who Emrys really was.
Of course, that wasn't going to make the next few minutes pass any more easily.
Arthur was pacing the small campsite, his brow furrowed in thought, clearly trying to figure out how he was going to find Merlin and convince the warlock to help them. The warlock himself was doing some quick thinking of his own, trying to figure out how to keep Arthur from doing just that.
Leon cleared his throat.
"Sire," he said hesitantly, causing Arthur to stop short in his pacing and look up. "I am not so sure that it is wise to search for Merlin."
The prince's frown deepened. "Why not? He's our best chance."
"We have no idea where he is. He could be anywhere, sire, and Camelot does not have time for us to search for him."
"Would you rather trust the people's well-being to Emrys' as yet untested, and perhaps nonexistent, magical powers?" the prince hissed. "He might not even be able to perform the spell. Merlin is a confirmed sorcerer and I happen to know that he had defeated other powerful sorcerers before. Is it not wiser to spend a day searching for someone we know can help us than waste our only chance to enter the city while putting all of our faith in someone whose power is untested."
"That is true, sire, but as I said before, Merlin could be anywhere. We might search for him for weeks and never come close to finding him."
"I doubt he went far," Arthur scoffed. "Everything that idiot did was to protect Camelot. He wouldn't leave it unprotected, even if he had been banished. It can't be that difficult to find him."
Leon bit back a sigh. The prince was proving to be more difficult to persuade than he'd anticipated. "That may be, sire, and I do agree with your reasoning. Merlin is the more reliable choice and he may well be close to the city, but that is still an immense amount of ground to cover. We have no knowledge of where to begin and the people are growing weaker with ever passing moment."
"I know that! What other choice do we have? I cannot just trust that Emrys will develop amazing magical powers in time to save Camelot and-" Arthur stopped short. A strangely sad and vulnerable look crossed his face.
"And what, sire?" Leon pressed.
The prince drew in a shaky breath. Leon half expected the wall to close behind Arthur's eyes, as it usually did when anyone - other than Merlin, really - dared to ask something even vaguely personal. But it didn't.
"It may be my one chance to apologize to Merlin," he admitted.
The warlock, who'd remained still and silent during Leon's conversation with Arthur, looked up in surprise, unabashed disbelief obvious on his face. Arthur didn't notice.
"Sire, I am sure he would listen to you, no matter what the circumstance," said Leon gently. He didn't need to look at Merlin to know that he was having to work not to nod vigorously. Emrys the healer wasn't supposed to know what Merlin the idiot manservant and warlock would do, even if they were the same person.
"I never listened to him, Leon. Every time Merlin tried to warn me that the city was in danger or that I was about to fight something I couldn't possibly understand, I ignored him and did it anyway." Arthur paused and ran a hand through his hair, eyes alight with self-reproach, before continuing more quietly than before. "I never trusted him enough and that's why I sent him away. Because I didn't trust him."
Arthur trailed off and thread his fingers through his hair again.
"You think that going to Merlin with a problem and trusting him to fix it will prove that you truly are sorry, don't you?" asked Merlin quietly.
Arthur nodded. "I think I always did trust him, to an extent at least. I always wanted him around when I had to do something dangerous to protect Camelot. But Merlin was the last person I'd turn to for advice, the last person I'd send to do something important. I couldn't admit that...that we were friends. If I am ever going to convince Merlin that I am sorry and that I trust him, it's going to take more than smacking him upside the head, calling him an idiot, and dragging him off to help me save Camelot. I've got to give him a reason to believe me."
Silence rang out over the campsite. Leon and Merlin were both completely taken aback by Arthur's unprecedented honesty. They had both suspected - well, more hoped, in Merlin's case - that the prince had considered him a friend. Arthur had changed so much since Merlin showed up, and definitely for the better. But they couldn't believe that he'd admitted it, especially in the presence of someone who was supposed to be a stranger. Arthur actually looked slightly relieved to have said all of that out loud, though his eyes were still dark and troubled.
Leon glanced at Merlin.
Well, isn't that bloody brilliant? Merlin moaned.
The knight almost started at the sound of the warlock's thoughts inside his head. How did you do that?
Sorry, Merlin thought guiltily. It's something I picked up from the Druids.
You just startled me. Considering the circumstances, it is good that we have a way to speak without Arthur knowing. What are you going to do?
I have no idea. He seems determined and given the reasons concerning Camelot and, apparently, me I'm not sure that there is anything we can do to convince him not to go looking for me. Still, I'm not looking forward to the argument that is inevitably going to take place once I tell him.
This time, Leon couldn't suppress his physical response and winced visibly. No, that will not be a pretty sight. Do you think you could wait until I can come up with a good reason to leave the camp?
If I'm enduring this, so are you, Merlin thought dryly. I'll need the moral support.
Their conversation took place in the space of a mere moment, but Arthur noticed the loaded look that passed between them. His eyes narrowed. Leon quickly began speaking.
"Are you sure about this, sire?" he asked. "Merlin would not appreciate it if you risked Camelot, even if it is to repair your friendship."
As much I don't appreciate you putting words like that in my mouth, you're right, Merlin sighed. Leon almost laughed. It was such a Merlin thing to say.
"I know," said Arthur grimly. "After everything he's done to protect the city, I think he'd curse me somehow if I condemned Camelot by my actions. That's not the only reason I want to do this. Merlin is truly our best chance."
Merlin brushed against Leon's mind again. There's nothing else for it, is there?
I really don't think so.
Wish me luck, because I really do think I'm going to need it, warlock or not.
Leon said nothing, but Merlin could feel the sympathy and support radiating off of him. He'd spent quite a bit of time with a small group of Druids who didn't hate him for helping Arthur after leaving Ealdor and had picked up a few things from them, including the ability to reach out with his mind to communicate with others and sense their presence around him. Learning that skill had also honed his ability to sense magic in his surroundings. It was a very useful skill to have.
But that wasn't important. He quickly cut of his rambling thoughts and focused once more on the matter at hand. Arthur was watching him and Leon expectantly, waiting for one of them to say something.
He decided to throw caution to the winds. It was probably better than tap dancing around the subject anyway.
Letting out a strangled cry of frustration, Merlin dropped his head into his hands.
"You bloody prat," he said in exasperation. "Of all the times to grow a brain and decide to actually think before you act, you just had to choose now. Do you have any idea how complicated you just made things?"
Merlin glanced up to see his reaction. Several emotions flickered across Arthur's face in quick succession. First, indignation at being addressed in such an informal and insulting manner, then realization as he recognized the exact phrasing of the insult and what it implied.
Eyes narrowing, he closed the space between him and Merlin. Kneeling down so that he was eye level with Merlin, stared at the man he thought was a healer.
"Merlin?"
"Who else?" asked Merlin weakly.
Arthur's face went almost slack. He sat back on the ground with a soft thump.
"Were you ever planning on telling me?"
"To be fair, I wasn't exactly prepared for Leon to come charging into the village with you - badly injured, I might add - on the horse in front of him," said Merlin.
"It's been weeks since that happened. Why didn't you say something?"
Merlin snorted. "I'm flattered that you think I'd take advantage of your grievous injury, dependence on my care, and inability to leave to bring up something like my real identity and my powers," he said dryly. He didn't once look up from his study of the ground in front of him.
Arthur nearly winced at Merlin's tone. "No, I really didn't think you would and I'm rather glad you didn't. It's just...surprising to find out that all this time, you've been right there, and I didn't even notice."
Self-reproach colored the prince's tone and Merlin realized that Arthur was annoyed at himself for once more missing the obvious where he was concerned.
"Well, you weren't exactly looking for me," Merlin pointed out. "And I was trying not to act like myself."
"You weren't succeeding," said Leon with a chuckle.
Merlin rolled his eyes. "You only say that because you overheard Gaius use my name."
"Perhaps, but I was already suspicious."
"Wait a minute," Arthur said, cutting off Merlin's retort. He pointed to Leon. "You and Gaius both knew?"
Leon looked a bit sheepish. "I only found out when Gaius came at the king's behest to examine you. I had no idea when I brought you to Emrys for treatment that Emrys was Merlin."
"And I told Gaius so that someone could keep me informed about Camelot," added Merlin. "I had to have to some source of information or I wouldn't have been able to protect the city."
Arthur nodded slightly in understanding.
"Does anyone else know?"
"I told Gwen."
"You what?"
Merlin could have kicked himself for letting that slip. He hastened to explain. "Well, she's my friend. Considering my secret was out and given all the crazy things that tend to happen at Camelot, I thought I owed her the truth. I was worried about what might happen since I wasn't around to keep an eye on things. I wanted her to know that I was still around if she needed help."
"How long has she known?" Arthur asked calmly.
"I told her about a month after I left. I snuck into the city to check on things and stopped by to let her know I was all right. She wouldn't let me leave until I gave her an answer."
Merlin watched Arthur carefully, waiting for the prince to say something. He didn't think it would go over well that he had willingly trusted Gwen with his secret.
To his surprise, Arthur let out a short laugh.
"That does sound like Gwen," he said. "I suppose she and Gaius have been keeping you up to date on what is happening in Camelot?"
Merlin nodded.
"Couldn't you have used magic?"
"Well, sort of, but not really," stammered Merlin. He hadn't been expecting that question to come so casually. "There is a way to watch people from afar, but it requires constant concentration. I'd have to seclude myself in a cave somewhere and never come out. This way, I can actually have a life. I can continue to learn and explore my powers. To be honest, Gwen and Gaius keep an eye out is more reliable than the magic. It's a very narrow method of observing."
Arthur frowned slightly. "Isn't that dangerous for them?"
"A little, but there was no way I can stop Gaius from helping me, and Gwen was pretty much the same way when I spoke to her. I didn't want her to get involved as much as she did, but she insisted."
"I doubt you could have stopped Gwen," Arthur said dryly. "Would you stop being so tense? I'm not going to lop your head off, you know. I thought it made it clear that I could care less that you're a sorcerer or a warlock or whatever the hell you are."
"That was before you realized that I was me," Merlin pointed out.
"I'll admit that was a bit of unexpected development, but I understand the reasons. I was just a bit surprised."
"So you really don't care?"
Arthur fixed him with an annoyed glare. "Did you miss the bit where I was going to go looking for you for help saving my blasted kingdom? Do you really think I would do that if I didn't trust you?"
"Like I said, that was before you found out that I was, once again, hiding something," Merlin pointed out.
"How thick is your skull?" Arthur demanded. "I said I understand. I don't care, Merlin. And...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have leapt to conclusions. You've never done anything but prove your loyalty to me and Camelot. You've faced things with me that no manservant would normally face, and you've saved my life countless times and I knew that before I knew exactly how often you'd saved me with your powers. I should have listened before telling you to leave. I truly am sorry."
Mouth hanging open, Merlin gaped at Arthur. "Do you mean that?"
"I wouldn't have said if I didn't," Arthur snapped, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "You...I should have admitted this sooner, but I didn't want to acknowledge what it meant for both of us. You've been more than just a manservant for a long time. You...you've been my friend, I just wouldn't see it."
A goofy smile spread across Merlin's face. "If it makes you feel any better, you're my friend, too, Arthur. I don't blame you for anything. I'm just grateful you've not turned into your father."
"Father," Arthur frowned. "Since you left, I've become aware of just how wrong he is. I should thank you for that."
"All I could do was show you the truth. You had to chose to accept it."
"Very wise. When did that happen?"
"I'll have you know that I am supposed to be the wisest and most powerful warlock ever born."
Arthur snorted. "According to who?"
"The druids, the dragons, and apparently several very powerful and very well known prophecies," said Merlin dryly.
"Dragons?" Arthur repeated.
Merlin waved him off. "A story for another time. Don't we have a city to save?"
"Can you get rid of the disguise? It's strange talking to you when you don't look like yourself. Where did you get the idea for this appearance any...way..."
Merlin concentrated silently on a spell that would force the effects of the potion to wear off. At the sight of Merlin's eyes flashing with molten gold and his features melting into the familiar countenance that Arthur knew, he trailed off. "All right, I have to admit, that was rather impressive."
"Thanks," Merlin laughed. "As for where I got the idea, I...I modeled my appearance off my father."
Arthur's eyes widened, but he wisely said nothing.
"What about your name?" asked Leon. "It is rather unusual."
"It's what the Druids call me in their prophecies."
"You mean the ones that say you're the most powerful warlock born?"
"Mm-hmm. The same prophecies that say that I am destined to help a certain prat bring Camelot into a new age of light and peace."
It was Arthur's turn to stare at Merlin with his mouth hanging open. "I'm supposed to what?"
"You heard me. You should have heard Kilgharrah go on about the two of us being two sides of the same coin and how we're destined to bring magic back to Camelot and unite the land of Albion. It actually gets rather annoying."
"That's the second time you've mentioned Kilgharrah," said Leon. "Who is he?"
Merlin grimaced. "Well, I suppose I might as well get it all out there. Kilgharrah is the Great Dragon."
"The dragon the Gaius told me I didn't actually slay?" asked Arthur shrewdly.
"Yeah, that one."
Leon stared at them. "The dragon's alive?"
"I couldn't kill him," Merlin admitted. "I wanted to. That's why I rode out with you. But, something stopped me. I can't explain it. I ordered him not to attack the city again. Since I'm a dragonlord now, Kilgharrah has to listen. I think he's actually a bit sorry for the attack."
"You will never cease to surprise me, Merlin," Arthur said tiredly. "Now, how do we save Camelot."