Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its original characters.

Here is chapter 10. Well, I only got one review for the last chapter. I'm not sure if people are getting bored with it or what. I hope not. I'm trying to get into some more exciting stuff but I have to get John a little bit back to himself first. It might take a while. But like I said……there is more mental whumpage in this story then anything else. Its about how poor Shep is dealing with his emotions with all the people that dies when Atlantis was taken over by SGC. There is a big reason why he is acting so OOC. That is coming soon so please come back to find out.

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After talking to John for a while, she left him to return to camp. She knew that he wanted to be alone for a while so she respected his wishes and left him. She wished that she wasn't the only one who knew how John was truly feeling. She felt that if he talked to other people about it, he would get it off his shoulders and feel much better. It would be hard to convince him of that though.

"You're back." Rodney said almost not believing it.

"Did you find him." Elizabeth asked with a hopeful tone in her voice.

"Yes." Teyla said. "I explained to him why he did not know about anything. I also told him that I was the one who told you not to tell him."

"And he was fine with that?" Elizabeth asked not believing what she was hearing. Why was it that Teyla was the only one who could get through to him? She didn't understand. Teyla was the only one who could calm him down when he got upset…..she was the only one who knew where he ran off to when he left camp, and she was the only one that he has told anything. She wanted to know what was going on with him but she knew that Teyla would not break their trust and tell her. She was just going to have to try and get John to tell her herself.

"Well, he was not happy about being left out but he understood why when I explained it to him." Teyla said. She looked at Elizabeth and took a deep breath. "And I made sure that he did not place the blame on you."

"Thank you." Elizabeth said. "Do you think he'll come back to camp any time soon?"

"It will be a while." Teyla said. "He wishes to be alone right now. That is why I am back so soon."

"Well, I for one hope he snaps out of it soon." Rodney said. "I don't mean to sound cruel or anything but we've been away from Atlantis for a while and he needs to move on."

"He will come around." Teyla said. "He just needs time."

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It was already dark again by the time John started making his way back to camp. He knew that people were probably worried about him earlier but he didn't care. He needed time alone and the fact that nobody went looking for him after Teyla left, told him that she did not tell them where he was.

When he got back to camp, it didn't look like anyone was still awake. That was good. He really didn't want to talk to anyone right now and he certainly didn't want to answer any questions from anyone. He knew that he wasn't going to be able to get any sleep so he decided to sit down at the table they had set up and just enjoy the complete silence.

"May I?" a voice from right beside him said. John turned and when he saw Elizabeth standing there, inches away from him, he jumped. John's eyes widened and his pulse quickened. He really didn't expect to see her.

"I thought everyone was asleep." John said.

"I couldn't sleep." She said and then gestured to the seat across from him. "My I?"

John didn't say anything to her….he just nodded. Elizabeth sat down and gave him a hopeful gaze. "I'm sorry about what happened earlier today." She said in a sincere voice.

"It's fine." John said in a low voice that Elizabeth almost couldn't hear.

An awkward silence hung in the air between them making Elizabeth feel uncomfortable. She had never felt uncomfortable around John before but the way his mood had been, she was almost afraid to look at him the wrong way.

"Listen John….I know it must be hard for you to deal with what happened but…."

"Hard?" John repeated. "It's impossible." he whispered.

A wave of sadness filled Elizabeth heart. She wasn't used to John talking like this. She always knew him to be a strong man who didn't really discuss anything like this. He usually cracked jokes or used a little sarcasm to lighten the mood when things got a little sad. She always knew him to think positive all the time and it wasn't like him to not be positive. She truly didn't know what to say to him.

John didn't say anything else…..he just got up and started to move away from the table. "Hey." Elizabeth said as she reached out to him. She missed his arm and caught him right in the side where his stab wound was.

John's face screwed up tight with pain and he let out a low moan. He knew that Elizabeth didn't mean to hurt him but she did none the less. She pulled her hand back quick and looked at him with apologetic eyes. "I'm so sorry." She offered him quickly.

John braced himself on the table with one hand and covered his wound with the other. "It's fine." He said in a faint voice as he tried to regain his composure. She hadn't touched him that hard and the pain was so blinding that he had to focus all his concentration on holding back a scream of agony.

After waiting for John to regain his composure a little…Elizabeth decided that she would tell him what she intended to tell him in the first place. "John….you need to start talking to people." She said in a soft, non-offensive tone. "Nobody knows what to say to you or do around you any more. We are all your friends and family here….we just want to help make things right."

"Things are never gonna be right again." John said in his usual depressed tone. "No matter how much I talk to people and tell them how I feel. No matter how much time I have to heal. No matter how many people try and help me. It's never gonna make things right. It's not gonna change the fact that every one of them people that died on Atlantis was my fault."

"John…." Elizabeth interrupted.

"No Elizabeth!" John snapped. "Why cant people seem to understand? I was responsible for all of them. Now they're dead."

"It wasn't your fault." Elizabeth said. "There was nothing you could do." she added thinking that maybe he might agree with her. Though, his recent history told her that there was a fat chance at that.

"Yes it was!" John snapped once again. He didn't want to upset Elizabeth but he just wanted her to understand his side of this mess. He was the military leader on Atlantis and the majority of the people that were killed were military. There were only a few select military personnel left. "I am the military leader and I was responsible for them all."

"Yes….you were responsible for them." Elizabeth agreed. "But you didn't shoot any of them. You may have been responsible for them but you certainly are not responsible for their deaths."

"I could've done something to prevent it." John said softly as he walked around the table, still covering his wound with one hand, and sat down in his seat across from Elizabeth.

"How?" Elizabeth asked. She wished that she could think of something a little more intelligent to ask but at the moment all she could think of was how? Why would he think that he could prevent what happened. There was no way that he could change what happened. Just after the whole mess started, he was stabbed and was unconscious. How could be possibly help anyone or prevent anything if he wasn't even awake. And even if he was awake, its not like he could move anywhere to do anything to help.

"I don't know how." John admitted He truly didn't know how he could have prevented it. He just wished that he could have done something and kept denying the obvious truth in the matter.

"John….you were injured and in no shape to help anyone." Elizabeth said. "And besides….all them soldiers had the same training as you."

"It doesn't matter. I was still responsible for them." John said, almost in a whisper. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. Why couldn't things just go back to normal? Why couldn't all those people just stay alive to begin with? Why couldn't John just start feeling like himself again and not be so depressed.

"John…..you need to stop beating yourself up over this." Elizabeth said. She felt like she was starting to sound like a broken record. "What happened is in the past and there is nothing that can be done to prevent it now. What we need to do is focus on the future. We need to make the best of what we have right now and search for a way to take back what is rightfully ours." She took a deep breath. "What you need to do is stop dwelling on what happened and focus on the good memories that you have had on Atlantis so far. It'll help you feel more like yourself."

Elizabeth got up from her seat and walked around the table. John thought that she would just pass by him but she stopped right next to him. She gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze and left without saying another word to him.

She was right. John knew that she was right. It was the same thing Teyla had been trying to tell him for days now but when Elizabeth said it to him, it was more simple and straightforward. He did need to get over what happened. He knew deep down that there was nothing he could have done to prevent what happened and he hated himself for that but he could focus on the happy memories. Like when he would go sparring with Teyla and every time she would kick his ass. A tiny smirk shot across John's face as he remembered all of the times she had sent him flying to the mat below him. He could remember just how hard the mat was and how hard those sticks were when he got hit with one. God…..how he missed that.

There were so many happy memories that he had there. Like the time him and Teyla and Ford and Rodney watched football. Teyla didn't have a clue what it was about but she was the only woman he could get to actually sit down and watch it with him.

A small smile appeared on his face as he remembered his first time sitting down and telling horror stories to the Athosian children. He was telling some of the most chilling stories that he had heard or seen in movies but it didn't seem to phase them one bit. They were more interested in what a hockey mask was and wanting him to teach them to play football.

John took a deep breath and felt weight start to lift off his shoulders. For once since they had left Atlantis, John could feel at least an ounce of harmony seep into his body. John slowly got up from the table and headed for his tent. He was tired and with new thoughts in his head for once, he figured that he at least had a chance at a decent night sleep.

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So there is chapter 10. I really hope that you liked it. I know the story might seem kind of long and drawn out right now but it will get better. Well, I'll try my best to make it better. I am really looking foreward to what people think of it so far so please read and review. I would really appreciate it.