I do not own the Young Riders, sadly.

There is a lot going on in this chapter, so hope it makes sense. I felt like the Kid and Lou thing wasn't quite sorted, so I wanted to get some things out between them.

I also wanted Lou to show some sort of healing, so I hope I have portrayed that. Not my favourite chapter, but does have things that I needed to get out before I could move on. Let me know what you think.

Thank you for your reviews, they make my day.

Lou

"It aint' right Teaspoon, he shouldn't be in there with her." That was Kid's voice,

"Son, I think we are past what is right and wrong in this life. Lou needs him, and that is all any of us should care about. I want to see that girl shine again, above all else."

"Now out, you boys have chores to do," Teaspoon told Kid and I'm guessing the rest of the boys.

I didn't know what they were on about at first, until I felt Jimmy's arms hold me a little tighter.

I was absolutely certain that last night was the first night I had slept for a long time. The sun was shining brightly through the sheer drapes, alerting me that it was morning, and by the looks of it late morning. How long had I slept?

"You awake Lou?" Jimmy asked quietly behind me, I couldn't help but smile. Knowing he was there made me happy, and safe.

"Yes," My voice hoarse from all the crying I did last night.

"I'm guessing Kid aint' to happy 'bout you sleeping in my bed," I stated,

"You heard that ha'?"

"MmmHmm, Thank you Jimmy,"

"I didn't do anything Lou,"

I turned in his arms, so I could face him. His hair was covering most of his face, so with my hand I brushed it from his eyes.

"You stayed with me," I pointed out.

"I am so sorry for yesterday. I didn't mean to go off on you like that." I told him embarrassed by my confessions and behaviour last night.

"Like I told you last night, you have nothing to apologise for. Lou you have to learn that we are all here for you. We are your family, and you can talk to us about anything. You can talk to me about anything." He stated, as he looked me in the eye.

"You are a good friend Jimmy Hickok,"

That night changed my life. It was three weeks ago and I am feeling lighter, as I let some pent up anger and emotions flow freely out of me that night.

I have been doing well with sleeping, but there is the odd night that I find myself stuck in the darkest of dreams. Jimmy has taken to coming to my rescue. He climbs into my bed and wraps me up tight in his secure arms.

The biggest thing to change since that night is I no longer pretend that I am a man. I proudly walk around being the woman I was born to be. It has taken a few people by surprise, and to my surprise a lot of people already knew.

Rachel has been fantastic, and she and I seem even closer than what we were before. I have taken her job at the way station, so she can concentrate on being the great teacher that she is.

Cody often begs her to come back, as it is taking me a while to get the cooking thing right. But with brave faces the boys all seem to chew through it.

Teaspoon was looking to hire a new rider to take my place, but hasn't been able to find the right person. I feel guilty when I see the boys working harder than what they had to. So I often find myself still doing the manly chores around the yard, to help them out a bit.

Jesse is doing well at school, and all the girls seem to like his cheeky charm. There are not a lot of boys his age in the town, so I think that he finds that hard. I can tell he misses Frank, and I often find him staring out to the horizon, and I know he is hoping that Frank's figure is going to appear.

I knew that there was no way Frank would stay away, it was never matter of if he came back it was when.

The rest of the boys have been fantastic. And more and more I am finding myself comfortable in their presence. I have had the occasional freak out, but we all seem to get through it. I know in my heart that I am getting stronger.

Sometimes I actually seem to push myself, place myself in a situation that I don't like and see how I cope. More times than not, I have been fine, and the others...well not so good.

And that is what I am doing tomorrow.

I received a letter from Emma, saying that she and Sam are going to be in St Joe. She told me that they wanted to talk to me about something important and would I mind meeting them there.

I talked to Teaspoon about, it worried that something was wrong, but he soon assured me that if anything was wrong he would know about it too. After I thought about it I wrote back to Emma letting her know that I would love to meet them both there.

I also thought it would be a great opportunity to go and visit with Teresa and Jeremiah. I feel guilty that I haven't sent for them, but I haven't been in a position to either. I hoped they understood.

So now that everything was sorted I was on my way back to the station to pack for my trip. I was anxious and I was scared, but that is good. I needed to do this.

"Louise, wait up." Rachel called out from the other side of the street. I was still getting use to being called Louise most of the time. In fact I was still getting use to being a girl in front of everyone.

"Oh Louise, I'm glad I caught you. Teaspoon said that you were going to be meeting Sam and Emma in St Joe, I would love to come with you." She hinted with a huge smile on her face.

"And why would you like to come with me?"

"I would love to meet your brother and sister, and Emma and Sam too, and maybe we could buy you some more dresses." She quickly fired out that last bit.

"Why do I need more dresses?" I said in amusement. I knew where this conversation was going.

"Well, ever since you decided to become more Louise than Lou, you still continue to wear those frumpy clothes."

She was right. I still found myself wearing my usual man's clothing. I don't know why 'cause I really do hate them, but they are also my somewhat security blanket.

I have found that if I am by myself, and I see a man or woman stare at me, and I don't like it, I quickly button up my top buttons on my shirt, pull my hat lower to cover my face, and slip my glasses on to hide my eyes.

I was still learning to place my trust in my family, but I guess I needed to start doing that with the people in my town as well.

"Sorry Lou, have I upset you?" Rachel asked concerned.

"No I was just thinking. Ok let's do it, let's go buy me some dresses." Rachel wrapped her arms around me, squealing slightly.

I laughed and hugged her back. I was guessing that this girl's trip away was something she needed more than me. I was just looking forward to see Teresa and Jeremiah, and wondering what Emma and Sam wanted to see me about.

"What has got you girls all fired up about?" Teaspoon laughed as he came to stand next to us. I looked up to see Ike and Kid were with him.

"Well Teaspoon you are going to have to give the apron to Jimmy, Louise and I are off on a trip." Rachel smiled to an amused Teaspoon and Ike, and a not so amused Kid.

"And how are you ladies getting there?" Teaspoon inquired.

"Riding,"

"Taking the coach," we both answered together.

"Rachel I am not taking the coach," I told her sternly.

"And I aint' riding on no damn horse Louise."

"Good then stay here," I told her.

"Fine, a compromise, we will take the buckboard." She said before turning on her heal and walking off, obviously she thought the conversation was over.

"Well you better get moving, I will catch up to you tomorrow," I yelled out, before turning to a laughing Teaspoon and Ike. "The buckboard? It's going to take us a week to get there."

"Well then I guess you better get packing, and I better find Jimmy so he can get cooking," Teaspoon laughed as he stretched out his suspenders, before he made his way back to the Marshal's office.

"Lou I don't think you should go at all, I mean..." Kid started but Ike gave him a slap on the arm, and signed for him to stop.

"What? I just don't think it's a good idea for you two woman to be travelling alone."

"We will be fine Kid,"

"I really don't think it's wise, with pending war on our doorstep, I think I should come with you."

"Kid if you come with us, it won't be a girl's getaway," I joked hoping to turn this into a lighter conversation.

"You've never needed one before, so why now?" He snapped loudly, shocking me, Ike and a couple of bystanders.

"Kid calm down, what has gotten into you?" I asked confused.

"You keep pushing me away, all I want to do is be close to you and you keep pushing me further and further away."

I went to walk away, hoping that Kid would follow as this was not a conversation I wanted the town folk to hear. As I turned my back, Kid grabbed my hand. I stopped immediately.

It was not the fact he had grabbed me, it was the way he grabbed me. He was angry and that showed in the force he was using.

"Kid, let go of me, and then we can go and talk about this." Kid let go at once, the boys knew that all I had to do was ask, and I was thankful that Kid was still in sound mind.

Ike was staring at Kid, not liking at all what he was seeing.

"Walk with me Kid, and we can talk." I wanted to get away from prying eyes.

"I feel like I am not a part of your life anymore. I watch as you go to Jimmy for everything, and I watch as he runs to you when you are screaming in your sleep. You use to come to me. I want you to still come to me."

"I'm sorry Kid. I really didn't mean to do that. I suppose I do depend on Jimmy more than any other, but I don't know how to explain it. He just...he feels like home for me."

"He can't give you the life you want," Kid snapped again.

"How do you know what I want, when I don't know myself?"

"You are a woman Lou. You should want marriage, children, and a husband that loves you."

"No Kid that is what you want. I can't even think of those things, I don't want those things at the moment."

"You will one day Lou," I thought he and I had sorted this out, but obviously I wasn't clear enough.

"And I might not as well. Don't wait for me Kid, cos' I'm not the one."

I hated the look of sadness in his eyes.

"What we shared Lou, I love you and I know you loved me so how do we throw that away?"

"I don't want to throw it away Kid, but like I have told you before you will find someone else. There is someone else out there that wants the same things as you. Let the idea of you and me go and you will find her. I will always be your friend, we have been through too much for us not to be friends, but that is all I can be for you."

I smiled up at him hoping that we could be just that, friends. I think he and I have shared too much to think of each other as brother or sister, but surely friends is still on the table.

Kid shook his head no. I could see he disagreed with everything I had just said. I felt my smile droop, along with my hope. I was still hurting Kid and I prayed we would find our common ground once again.

With a parting look I headed off towards the station, but to my dismay Kid still hadn't finished, he pulled on my arm once again, spinning me around to face him, he placed his hands on either side of my face before he lent in and captured my lips with his.

At first I was too shocked to do anything. My eyes were wide looking at the closed eyelids of Kid's; did he really just do this?

I started pushing him back with my arms, but he was glued tight to my mouth. He was too strong for me to move him, so I did the only thing I could think of, I bit his lip.

"Owwwlll, shit Lou," he spat holding his lip.

I could hear Noah and Buck calling out and running this way, but I didn't care, I raised my hand and slapped Kid's face as hard as I could.

"How dare you,"

"Lou I only wanted..."

"HOW DARE YOU," I roared, furious that he would do that.

"I love you Lou, I know you still love me, I just wanted to show you..."

"By forcing me? You are not a stupid man Kid, but what you just did...if it had been anyone else, anyone I would have killed them. Be my friend, and that is it."

"Lou I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do, I didn't know how to show you," Poor Kid, I hated seeing him like this, but I was wild at his behaviour.

"Come on Kid let's go cool off," Noah suggested as he indicated with his head to the saloon.

Buck came up to me and lightly placed his hands on the tops of my arms, as he looked down at me.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, angry but fine. I cannot believe he just did that. I feel awful that I haven't had much time for him. This whole thing hasn't been fare on him either."

"Lou Kid is a little hot headed, especially when it comes to you, and I think that you know that. That is why you didn't shoot him," Buck laughed, "You knew you were in no real danger with him, and you knew that he can be that stupid." I smiled up at Buck, "You are healing more than you think," He smiled.

"Walk a girl home?" I asked sweetly,

"It would be my pleasure." He laughed.

"So I hear you and Rachel are heading out soon."

"Yes, that is what set Kid off. Now that I'm a girl every day of the week, he is teaching me what is right and wrong. Women do not travel alone."

"I hate to tell you Lou but he was like that when you were a boy half the time. He's old fashioned, raised right I suppose you could say, you can't fault him for that."

"I suppose not," I sighed, "I hate that I hurt him. I mean I was never going to be good enough to be his other half."

"Lou, I don't think he thought that."

"Oh, I know Buck. God that sounded bad. I meant …" What did I mean? "Kid is so intense. He loves with his whole heart, and he wants everything to be in its place, and work how it all should work, including his woman. I just meant that I was never going to be that. And I think he thought that someday I would."

Buck agreed with me as we walked home. I arrived to find Rachel already packed, and not just for her, but for me as well. We decided to leave first thing in the morning.

At the dinner table that night, things were a little awkward to say the least. Kid was quiet as he pushed his food around the plate. Rachel was happily talking about our trip away, Jimmy kept asking if he had missed something with Kid's mood the way it was.

Ike went to tell him but Buck kicked Ike's chair shaking his head no. Cody was oblivious to what was going on around him as he shovelled his meal into his mouth, like it was his last feed.

I couldn't leave like this, I needed to make things right with Kid, and although I knew it would never be right in his eyes I had to try.

"Kid outside now," Everyone looked up shocked with my outburst.

"Lou I don't think..." Noah started, but I gave him a look that said clearly, 'shut up'

"Kid I'm not leaving while there is this thing between us, please come out and talk to me."

He looked up from his uneaten meal and nodded his head. I looked to Buck who gave me a wink in encouragement. He knew like I did that I had to fix this.

As I turned to leave I happened to catch a strange look on Jimmy's face. But it was soon gone when he found my eyes. Instead he smiled at me and then continued to eat his meal.

I started walking for the barn, knowing Kid was following me.

"Kid I really hate that there's this awful thing between us." I started,

"You put it there to begin with Lou. You put it there by throwing what we had away, and finding comfort in another man's arms. Do you have any idea on how that makes me feel? I wish you could have come to me, I wish that I was enough for you to want me."

"It's not like that Kid. I never said you weren't enough for me, I just said I cannot be who you want me to be."

"But you are,"

"So you were happy when I rode for the express?" I didn't give him a chance to lie, I just continued. "You were happy when I would ride out with you boys, sometimes riding into unseen danger."

"But you don't do that anymore Lou. You're being you."

"Kid I can't love you like you want me too."

"You could, but you have chosen not to."

"No Kid I haven't." I'm going to have to change tactics, "Don't you want someone you can come home to, to kiss sweetly, to carry off to your room? I cannot be that person for you. I can't be that person for anyone."

"You won't always feel like that Lou, I can wait."

"I don't want you to wait. I want to see you happy now. And if I'm happy with seeing you with another woman, don't you think that it is over between you and me? I love you, but I am not in love with you."

Kid looked destroyed as he sat back on top of the hay pile. He placed his head in the palms of his hands hiding himself from me.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I keep hurting you, it was not my intention."

"No Lou, I think it was me that made this hurt. I should have listened to you the first time you told me this, but I look at the way you and Jimmy look at each other. You can be in a crowded room, and you are both not content until you find one another. I watch how he hangs off every word you say, and you him.

I watch how he can calm you down with the simplest words or the lightest touch, and I'm jealous. I am jealous that he can be that person for you, and I am jealous because I know that one day you will both see what I see when you look at each other, and that is love, and I didn't like it because I think that I have always seen it there on both of your faces. You two respect each other more so than any other. He has always trusted you, believed in you when I didn't." He sighed out loud as he looked up at my face.

"I am sorry Lou about kissing you like that today, about grabbing you, I saw my opportunity and I went for it. I didn't want to walk away knowing that I didn't do enough to make you see that I love you."

"I know you love me Kid, and please know that I love you."

"Can we move on from here? I mean I haven't pushed you further away have I?"

"No Kid, you haven't. And I like to think we can move on." I leant down and kissed his cheek, "But please keep the kisses to the cheeks only," I smiled, hoping to ease the tension.

Kid and I stayed and talked about my trip to St Joe, we both wondered why Sam and Emma had asked to meet me there. I must admit I was looking forward to see Emma again.

After a while we decided to head back to the bunkhouse. I wasn't sure if I should go in. I looked over the main house to see the light flickering behind the drapes, so I knew Rachel was there and not with the boys.

"I might head on to bed. I have a few big days ahead of me and..." The door to the bunkhouse opened and Jimmy stepped out.

"Everything alright out here?" He asked looking between Kid and me.

"Yeah we're good. Anyway I'm going to turn in, see you both tomorrow."

"Night Lou,"

"Yeah night Lou,"

They both said as I walked away. I was looking forward being in that saddle tomorrow, it feels like forever since I was last there. And I think some time away will give us all some well deserved space.

I think I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It had been such an exhausting day I think my body was thankful for the rest.

But my mind had other ideas. Roberts face soon made its presence known in my dreams. I kept thinking wake up, just wake up, but I couldn't it was like my lids were glued shut.

I felt like I was fighting an unfightable force, I don't remember screaming, and I don't remember calling out for Jimmy, but I do remember him whispering in my ear that he was there, and that no one was going to hurt me.

My heart eased up on its drumming as I let Jimmy's words wash through me. I fell back into a restless slumber, but when I would awake with a start, Jimmy's hold on me would tighten letting me know he was there.

An annoying knocking woke me. I opened my eyes to see it was only just light out,

"Louise, you gotta' get up honey, we gotta' get moving," I groaned when I realised that she was right. We had a long ways to travel, and if we wanted to make the most of the light we needed to leave now.

"You know I'm going to miss you," Jimmy said softly. I smiled liking the sound of that.

"I won't be gone long," I reminded him, "Plus you will be busy, cooking, cleaning, you won't have time to miss me," I joked,

"Ha-ha, you scared that I will be better at it, than you?"

"We all know you are better at cooking than me, hell even Teaspoon is better,"

Jimmy laughed, cos' he knew it was the truth.

"Jimmy can you keep an eye on Jesse? I worry about him."

"I know you do, and he will be fine." I turned to face Jimmy. He looked like he was warring with himself,

"What are you thinking about?" I asked,

"I'm going to only ask you this once, please don't jump down my throat. I only want to make sure that..."

"God Jimmy spit it out,"

"Are you sure that you don't want one of us to come with you?"

"No Jimmy, no, I don't want anyone to come, Rachel and I will be fine."

"I know you will be. I just thought I would ask." The look in his eye told me he was anything but happy about Rachel and me going by ourselves, but he let the subject rest.

"Ok, well you better get out so I can get ready," I told him, feeling awake and ready to tackle the day.

I felt the bed shift as he got off of it, "See you in a bit," he said as he closed the door behind him.

I hoped that I could learn to sleep without the help of Jimmy while I was gone. The things Kid had said yesterday are making me feel a bit uneasy. I was depending on Jimmy far too much, I didn't want lines to get blurred or crossed.

I quickly got dressed, threw my hair in a pony tail, made my bed and straightened my room. I was going to miss the comfort of my mattress while we were gone. It has been a while since I have had to sleep on the cold hard ground, luckily for me it would only be a couple nights.

I closed the door and headed for outside. I saw Rachel all set and ready on the buckboard. I still cannot believe that we were taking that thing.

All the guys were standing around, I watched as Teaspoon slipped a rifle in the back of the wagon. I hoped we didn't need that.

"Come on Louise, the sooner we leave the sooner we get there."

Rachel's excitement was becoming contagious as I felt a smile tug on the corners of my lips. Kid was holding Lightning steady. I walked over and grabbed the reins.

"Thanks Kid,"

"Safe ride Lou," he gave the calf of my leg a friendly squeeze, before he took a step back.

"Bye boys, see you in a few days, maybe a week." I looked to Rachel in shock, as did everyone else.

"If it takes that long, we will send a rider," I told them so they didn't worry. I had no idea what Sam and Emma wanted so who knows how long we would be gone for.

"Ah Cody is going to be up that way in four days," Teaspoon started, before Cody cut in,

"I will come find you, let me know then."

I gave them both a nod and then looked to Jesse, who was looking a little sad.

"Don't let the boys boss you around Jesse," I told him honestly.

"Alright Lou, hurry home," With a wink I gave Lightning a kick with my heel. I waved to everyone before taking off to follow Rachel in the buckboard. This was going to be a big week.