Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Academy Richelle Mead does. I only own Jesse, and the band members and some of the guardians.

Chapter 10

Day 250

It's been a long week for me. I feel so alone and now that I'm home for a short break I feel strange. Looking back its close to when everything happened. It's getting closer to that one year mark but I'm not sure but I feel strange…like I should go back and check on things, yet I couldn't.

Losing what I had left behind in my past life is something I had to do. And now I'm wondering if I had made the right choice. Today I got a letter for a friend who I will not say the name of. But this person has been keeping track of everyone and I know what's going on. Jesse is worried for me because he thinks I should forget them or go back to that life. But I don't want that life I want to be free and sing my heart out and one day sing my heart out to them about the reasons why I left.

I know I shouldn't say this but no matter how much Dimitri had hurt me….i still love him with all my heart and I hope that one day he will understand what happened to me and why I left. But I don't want to be the one to tell him. I don't want him to find out by someone else…I've been thinking about sending him a letter but I'm not sure if I should. I want him to understand that I lost a child, a child that was ours and yet I can't bring myself to send him or anyone of my old friends the letters and the reasons why I left. I write those letters because I have to. I need some type of away to write what I want them to know without being in the same room with them. I'm not sure if they even understand what's going on with me and why I'm acting the way I am. But one day I'll be brave and return to court…but now I have to go back to work.

RHM

Rose POV

I woke up to Jesse to yelling through the door. I looked at the time and noticed it was almost 11am and I had to get up and get ready for the concert that I'll be preforming at. After I gotten dressed I looked at myself one last time in the mirror and noticed that I looked like I just woke up from a nightmare, which I did and I don't want anyone to noticed because they would be pissed off.

Walking out of the room I saw Jesse and the other band members waiting for me. When I walked by Jesse said, "It's about time sleeping angel. You should have been up hours ago. Now we have to run everything twice instead of three times. Do you know how hard it is to set up everything so that it's easier to get from place to place when we each take turns and you know that Rose."

"Sorry. I have been trying to forget about a few things. Let's just get this over with so that we can get something to eat before we have to preform okay."

Everyone went along with it and I was happy for once. Yet this was the only concert that we perform during the day. Once everything was set and we ran through the songs I knew that everything was set. Now we were waiting for food when my father walked over to me and said, "Rose, can we talk about something important?"

"Sure. Why not."

I got up from the stage from eating my pizza and walked with my father over to the changing room. He looked at me and said, "When are you going to tell him? I know he knows about this. But he walked in to my room and he wanted to know what happened and the reasons why you left and why your acting the way you are to him. He wants to know. You have to tell him soon. Plus your mother is stopping by tonight. She wants you, me and her to all hang out with just us three, if that's okay with you?"

"Daddy I'm not sure when or if I'll tell Dimitri about anything. Losing that child killed me inside. Plus that Lissa and Dimitri didn't care about the reasons why the doctors didn't want me on duty. They didn't care when I left or cleared my name. No one did. Even you and mom forgot about me and had another child. I don't know why you even bother to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. It would have been better if I just died in the car along with Lissa's family then no one would have to put up with me because I screw up everything and how things should have been. It would have been better if I wasn't even born because then you and mom would have to worry about me day after day….wait you guys never cared about me when I was a child. But when I was 17 going on 18 you guys started to get involved into my life when it was too late. Keep on reading those journals because then you can try and understand what I've been through with no help."

With that I walked away without giving him the one answer that he had wanted to know. I couldn't believe that I just told him all of that. What was I thinking when I told him all of that? But I knew why. Because I needed them when they weren't there for me when I needed them and they were there when I didn't need them. What a screwed up life I was living… I guess this is my life.

Dimitri's pov

I was watching the band talk about what they were going to sing and then the food arrived and they were all eating and then I noticed that Abe walked over to Rose and they walked away from the other. I decided to follow them. When they stopped at the changing rooms I heard what they had said.

"When are you going to tell him? I know he knows about this. But he walked in to my room and he wanted to know what happened and the reasons why you left and why your acting the way you are to him. He wants to know. You have to tell him soon. Plus your mother is stopping by tonight. She wants you, me and her to all hang out with just us three, if that's okay with you?"

"Daddy I'm not sure when or if I'll tell Dimitri about anything. Losing that child killed me inside. Plus that Lissa and Dimitri didn't care about the reasons why the doctors didn't want me on duty. They didn't care when I left or cleared my name. No one did. Even you and mom forgot about me and had another child. I don't know why you even bother to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. It would have been better if I just died in the car along with Lissa's family then no one would have to put up with me because I screw up everything and how things should have been. It would have been better if I wasn't even born because then you and mom would have to worry about me day after day….wait you guys never cared about me when I was a child. But when I was 17 going on 18 you guys started to get involved into my life when it was too late. Keep on reading those journals because then you can try and understand what I've been through with no help."

Then she walked away from her father and back to the others. Abe turned and said, "How much did you hear Dimitri?"

"Enough that I want to know who got her with a child? And why didn't I believe her back then?"

"I can't tell you Dimitri. But you and Rose need to talk. Anyways don't worry about the child or what's going on between me and Rose. Just make sure she is safe tonight. I'll be waiting for her mother outside and then we'll be on the stage but out of site. She didn't mean what she said, she was mad at me and her mother. I guess I should have talked to her when she was younger. I guess I lost all chance of having her being my daughter and hoping that she would forgive all of us."

"Don't worry. She'll come around. She always dose and you know that."

I walked away and found the journal that Abe was reading. I picked it up and placed it in my pocket and walked away from the changing rooms and headed outside.

A/N: ooohhh… Dimitri found the journal…