September 28, XXXX Early Morning
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Jeanette… Can you see that beautiful light, that iridescence shining through the trees? The sun rising? It's so big and so beautiful and so so warm.. You can almost touch it up here in the tree, so close to the skyline. Can you feel the cool morning air through your fur? The lovely autumn breeze as it caresses your perfect body? What of the smell? The sweet sweet smell of pine and the musky outdoors. What of it as it fills your body up with athletic sensation? Wherever you are, can you feel that sense of peace and tranquility? As if there's nothing wrong with the world. Wherever your soul is now, it HAS to be a better place than here; except for maybe in this exact moment of serenity.
I was fortunate enough to share this experience with you once before, remember? I think it was around a year ago; I woke up early on a weekend and climbed up on the roof. I often went up there to think in privacy and watch the sun rise. I guess I was a little loud on the way up, because for whatever reason you joined me soon after and we got to share that wondrous sun bath together. Did I ever apologize for waking you up? If not, I'm sorry. But that morning we were so close and it was so soothing to be near you, so full of life so early in the morning.
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But today is different. Today I'm alone. I tried holding your hand but you were limp (feeling your paw slip out of mine, lifeless like a rag doll, was when I think I really should have left). You're not breathing, but I can't stand to let you go. I can't and I won't accept the fact that you'll turn, and it crushes me that every time I look down at you from the sunrise I see an ever greying chipette. Already, the once lustrous chocolate brown fur, only slightly dirty from our travels, is now thickening with strands of ash. Your injury stopped bleeding sometime through the night, but with that, your heart also stopped. I'm too afraid to examine you, to open your closed eyes, scared of what I'll see. What if I opened them and instead of your dazzling, gleaming violet eyes I see milky, empty black holes filled with nothing but a lust for food. Besides, you ought to rest peacefully while you still can.
I know I'll have to leave at some point, but I can't bear the thought. What would you do in my situation? Sure it's easy to say the obvious: leave the one you love- she's dead, free from this world of survival of the fittest, but you're not the one living here. You're not experiencing this sorrow. You're more than just the one I love, you're what made this world worthwhile. And you're not dead, not to me…
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Jeanette's fur, now rough compared to its silky softness before, stopped greying, and I can only assume that means the reanimation process is nearly finished. With the wolf corpse gone I can leave, but I don't feel safe in doing so. I'm not sure I can emotionally leave Jeanette anyway. It wasn't exactly a death full of closure; I was panicking and we had the wolf and the bag to worry about. I can't even give her a proper funeral, nor can I dig her a simple grave. The thought of having to crack her on the head with something, and seeing a body that does not 100% belong to her crumple… she deserved so much better. I need to leave soon. I think I saw one of Jeanette's fingers twitch. I won't lie, I considered staying, letting Jeanette bite me so I could turn. Then we could be together again. But what of my brothers and Jeanette's sisters? What would they do? I have to fight for them. Besides, Jeanette said she thought I could find a cure, save the world, save her. I need to be alive to complete that task. In the bag she sacrificed her life for are 3 important things other than a few syringed and biological equipment; all samples of blood. There's Alvin's blood, the key to solving all this. Then there's a sample of corpse blood, which I'm positive I'll need sooner or later. And finally there's some of Jeanette's blood, which I heart-wrenchingly took from her after my blackout. I don't know how useful it'll be, but I'm not taking any chances with saving her, so maybe I'll need one day.
I need to be going now. I've tied you to the branch with whatever I could find in hopes that I can easily find you once I do find the cure. It's a long shot, but you never know.
I was able to kiss your ice cold cheek goodbye before climbing down, causing another swarm of tears to spread in my eyes. Never in our old life did I get the chance to kiss any part of you, and oh how I wanted to kiss you more, foolishly thinking for a second that it would wake you up, that I'd get to see you smile again. Now I can't stop crying…
No!
No, I can't cry again; I need to go find the others. Oh, god the others, what if they ran into the wolf too? Hurry, Simon, hurry! I made the mistake of looking back as I ran. Abandoning Jeanette like that… How could I? How could I just leave her to rot? Should I go back quickly and try to take her with me? Would that bode well with the others? Would I even be able to handle that? I think I heard her stir as I ran, but I can't be sure. It all happened so quickly. I'm praying I won't make the wrong decision. Is there even a right decision here? No… I can't take her with me. Her scent for one, it might attract other corpses, or worse: the wolf. For two: I couldn't pull her around AND carry the bag. It was too risky.
Panicking, but I can't stop. If I stop now I won't make it to the others. So I ran for dear life like the selfish chipmunk I am. Cry while I run… A nice compromise for a weakling like me. Run, cry, run, cry. That's what I did all morning. I stayed low, ran through the bushes, and cried. My vision's blurry, but with a grove of trees in my path it's not like I could see anyway. There's a muggy smell and my throat is arid. I'll probably need water soon. I can hear the occasional bird chirping, but otherwise I'm deaf from the silence.
It's only been a few hours, but I'm already going through withdrawal from social contact. I feel like this is a never-ending forest, a labyrinth which I'll never escape. Down here on the ground, its dark and stingy, even during the daytime. I'm alone with my thoughts and to me right now that's more dangerous than any corpse. All I can think about is Jeanette and how I failed her. How I swore to protect her and the first chance I got to do so, I failed miserably. Was there anything I could have done differently? I guess I'll never really know until I find the cure, but when I do she's definitely the first I'm bringing back to normal. I've thought a lot about her status and my conclusion is that she qualifies as dead. My hypothesis (and general hope): she's able to rest peacefully despite her physical body moving about. That way if I fail in finding a cure…
I swear I'm seeing things in this forest; dark illusions that are meant to make me feel scared or guilty. Several times I thought I saw Jeanette or one of the others walking around or hearing their voices. Sometimes I think I hear them laughing like we all used to, like when we'd play monopoly during family game night before the world went to hell. And sometimes I can actually hear them talking as if nothing was different, as if all this was just a dream. But it's when I think I hear them crying that makes me want to just kill myself. Hearing their sorrow, their agony. I don't know what it is that's causing them pain. More pain… As if I haven't heard enough pain for a lifetime, now it's ingrained into my head, clawing itself into my memory.
I was stupid enough to follow the voices and sounds the first time, resulting in me getting lost. I think it was Eleanor who was crying, but I also heard whispers from Alvin and Jeanette. I ran straight towards the voices without a second thought, praying that it was the real thing. You can imagine how distraught I was when I couldn't find the source, how stupid it was for me to actually think Jeanette was still alive. I considered the fact that I might only have made up her sound and that Ellie's tears and Alvin's whispers were still real, but I had no choice but to push that aside. I think I've regained my bearings now, and I'm learning to tune the noise out.
Alvin and the others… They must be getting worried by now if they made it through alright. What am I saying, OF COURSE THEY MADE IT THROUGH. If I made it this long, surely they can! They'd probably even be sending out a search party soon. I can't let that happen. I can't let this cavern of trees consume them too-! I see Jeanette again… I know this can't be her though, the real Jeanette is tied to a tree somewhere waiting for my rescue. What does this fake version of my dearest Jean want? I know I should keep a level head, but I can't help but follow her shady path. I need to. I know it's completely stupid and out there, but some part of me is begging the universe that it's really her. After I follow her and see where she leads me, I'll join the others.
I Promise.
I'm alive… somehow. And I'm with the others… Somehow. I should be thrilled to have found them, and I am, but I'm overwhelmed by grief and depression. It's almost darker out here than in the forest, and I don't know how that's even possible.
The shadow of Jeanette lead me to an ominous clearing in the middle of the forest. The clearing, almost a perfect circular field, no larger than a basketball court in diameter, seemed quite serene yet eerie. Fresh green grass still dripped morning dew and the sun coloured everything in beauty. What was grey before, now displayed itself in a rainbow of colour ranging from the red of a ladybug to the soft violet flowers on the outer edge of the clearing. More than once a bird chirped by and I swear I saw a rainbow, painting the perfect picture of heaven. I'm sure it was a hallucination though…
I blinked, sure that this was a dream, then I saw Jeanette again. I stood a certain distance away from her, not sure why. Something about her just seemed dangerous. No matter how much I tried to push forward, my subconscious was forcing me to stay put. "No," it was telling me, "It isn't safe."
I spoke up, "Jeanette?" She wouldn't turn to face me. "Jeanette, it's me, Simon." I inched a step closer, but then heard a rustling behind me and froze instantly. I turned slowly only to see the back of a familiar green hoodie. "Theo!" I exclaimed loudly to no response. "Theo?" Another rustle and I turned to see Alvin's red back. Two more rustles revealed themselves to be the backs of Brittany and Eleanor. "Guys? What's wrong? What's going on?" Thinking about it now I realize how stupid it was for me to be behaving like that, but it seemed so surreal. It was like I had been dragged to a parallel universe. It couldn't have been them, they were acting way too creepy, too quiet. No more chirps…
"Guys? Talk to me…" I lowered my voice, "Jeanette? Alvin? Anybody?" I turned back to Jeanette's illusion, "Jean… I'm so so sorry… Please forgive me. Forgive me for my weakness and failures."
"Simon…" She sang in a heavenly tone, luring me closer. She started to turn, but the sun blocked out her gorgeous face, leaving only a shadow in my vision.
"GAH!" I gasped, falling back as a corpse attacked from where Jeanette once stood. "Nngh, Alvin!" I looked in his direction only to find another corpse headed towards me. "No…" I vision. A trick. Where my family once stood, 5 full-sized corpses who had me surrounded now took their place. I clutched the bag, ready to outrun the demons. One dove and I jumped off its head. I wasn't surrounded anymore, great right? Not with my luck. My options? There was only one at this point: head back in the wrong direction. I didn't have time for that. The corpse party blocked any other way to the others. Sweat dripped from my forehead when I noticed something… unnatural about the "dreamy" background. A red shadow in the bushes, the unmistakable shape of a chipmunk. Another illusion? A taunt from some greater being before I die or run? The corpses made their way closer, now was my only chance.
Suddenly, a scream, a wicked thud, and before I knew it Alvin was dragging me with the bag by the collar back through the thick tree-line. With a corpse party -1 hot on our tails there was no time to converse, but I could tell Alvin knew something was wrong; Jeanette's absence from my band was clear as day, and with only a solemn backward glance from my brother (who by now I was convinced was real) I realized there'd have to be a long, near impossible talk later. Would I be able to describe everything? To relive every agonizing moment over again? Did I even have a choice? Everyone all had a right to know. They all deserved to know anything and everything they wanted to know about their friend's death. They needed to know how much of a failure I was, how I could be defeated so easily.
"There's four left," Alvin panted, "if we can get them to split up we can pick them off one by one." NO! I wanted to scream out loud in my brother's face. It was that kind of thinking that lead to Jeanette's fate. Had she not died I'd probably be plotting the exact same thing, but I wouldn't take that risk again, I learned from my mistake.
"Let's just climb up a tree," I offered, "if we climb high enough they might lose our scent and leave."
"Okay," Alvin said after some quick thinking, "but we can't afford to wait long." So we climbed the nearest tree as fast as our little arms and legs would let us. Sweat flooded my eyes from the extra weight of the bag and I was falling behind. Thank goodness corpses can't climb. Once we reached as far as we could go without breaking any of the branches Alvin stared me down with tears welling in his eyes. It was a harsh, tragic look, a mix of sheer sadness and excruciating pain.
"J-Jeanette?" Was all he could sputter out. At that point I couldn't even look at him. Staring down at my feet and trying not to cry and between sharp gasps I slowly told Alvin what happened. I told him about the wolf-corpse and how it was my fault Jeanette got hurt. I told him how she sacrificed herself to save the bag with all my data and equipment in it. And, after much debate between myself, I told him how Jeanette believed I could find a cure and save her, and how I tied her (no doubt reanimated by now) body to the tree branch. By the end of retelling my own personal hell I was blubbering into my older brother's shoulder.
"It- It isn't your fault!" Alvin cried, forcing me into a hug, and together us two brothers sobbed over our dear sweet friend.
By the time we finished crying (believe me it was a long while) most of the corpses had lost interest, and with only one stubborn, persistent corpse clawing at the tree, taking care of it was as easy as dropping Alvin's knife straight through its skull cap. After promising each other that if more trouble came up we'd travel through the trees (the ultimately long and slow route) we started back on our path to the others.
"Alvin," I peeped, ending a long vow of silence, "did you guys run into any trouble?" I'd have mixed reactions either way and I felt guilty because of it. I would never want anything to happen to my brothers or the chipettes, but at the same time I couldn't help but feel jealous; why did MY group have all the trouble?
"Well we definitely didn't run into a zombified wolf-" I hated that word… Zombie… It sounds almost barbaric the way that word was used in pop culture. Every time a "zombie" was featured in a movie or game a cure was never found. It was always a terrible ending with humanity losing. I remember one time I had to let Theodore sleep with me for a week because of some dumb game Alvin was playing, "And we only ran into two stragglers, but we did run into something really weird. Almost like a ghost version of you and Jeanette. Brit and I decided to follow them for a bit but we only got lost so we gave up and finished through the forest. The and Ellie were already through if you can believe it! By the time morning came we were all hysterical and feared the worst. So I volunteered to look for you guys. The others, they wanted to come too, but there was no sense in splitting us up further, plus I'm quicker alone. Then I found you. I thought you were another ghost at first, but then you were attacked… you know the rest." Theodore, Eleanor, and Brittany… all of them were alive. I think I managed a smile. It faded quickly as I thought of what to say when we met up. I imagined how it would go.
"Good job on keeping each other alive guys," I'd say, "I, on the other hand, was unable to do so. Unlike all of you, I'm weak. Jeanette died because of that." Oh, what a horrible image.
"It isn't your fault." Alvin said, looking away, as if he was reading my mind, "the others, they'll understand. What could you do, unarmed, against a wolf?!" I refused to reply, leaving the rest of our trudge silent.
I'll never forget three things as I walked out of the forest and up the hill (to us chipmunks it's a hill) where the others waited: Theodore's look of sheer joy, Eleanor's look of sheer worry, and Brittany's look of sheer terror at seeing only me and Alvin walk into sight. I dropped the weight of the bag and accepted the hugs from Theo and Ellie.
"You're okay!" My young brother chimed.
"Are you hurt?" Eleanor said looking around, noticing a missing someone.
"I'm okay, don't worry about me." I said humbly. There was no reason to worry, especially not after what happened next.
"Jeanette." Brittany stated coldly, "Where's Jeanette?! Where's my sister!" She marched up to me and I slouched back, intimidated. My tail hung low between my legs and my ears dropped. My body cringed and I couldn't answer. "Simon tell me!" She spoke through bursts of tears. At this point both Theo and Ellie were crying and Alvin started tearing up again. This was it, the confrontation I feared most. I knew Brittany would be the hardest to tell, she was more savage than the timid Eleanor… A chill through the air sent shivers up my spine. "Look. At. Me!" Brittany wailed, gripping my shoulders. My vision slowly crept from her feet to her muzzle, and when it reached her eyes I cracked and broke down.
"I-I'm sorry…" I wept.
"What?" She sounded offended, as if I did something wrong, "You're SORRY?" She shook me harder, "Simon, what happened?!"
"W-We were attacked… a wolf…" through more sobs I told her, "I was weak… scared… Wasn't thinking straight… I couldn't protect or save her." I picked up the bag and handed it to Brittany, to which she threw in a fit, "Please. Don't." I cried, "Jeanette saved that. That's when the wolf got her. I-I couldn't do anything about it."
"So," Brittany turned away, trying to wipe her tears, "Jeanette's really…"
"Gone." Instantly I felt a stinging pain across my face that rambled my bones.
"YOU were supposed to protect HER!" Brittany slapped me again hard and I fell. She held back no tears, "She trusted you! I trusted you! You put more faith in a stupid bag more than her. You even let HER die just so you could have it back! Why didn't you keep HER safe Simon?!" Before she could strike me again Alvin grabbed her from behind, both of them dropping to their knees.
"I wish it was me." I whimpered, crawling towards them, "I wish it was me who got taken down, Brit, I really do. I'm sorry. It should have been me." She pushed herself away from the both of us and towards her crying sister, who appeared almost in shock.
"Yeah," Brittany said bitterly, giving me a death gaze, "I wish it was you too."
As I said, I'm alive… I'm just not sure I want to be.