Chapter 10
I'm in luck. It was all independent work in each and every one of my classes today. The sun is out, so I was able eat lunch wherever I felt like on campus, and was able to find a great spot to avoid anyone I wished to avoid, and no one had bothered to try to talk to me. This is great. I was completely and totally in my comfort zone. Nothing could go wrong.
So then why is it that I feel so lonely? Why do I want to tear my body to shreds just to make the feeling go away? I guess those questions are ones that I'll have to find answers to someday. On my own. Just like always. The only way that I know how.
At least I know that I won't be bothering others if I'm on my own. I won't drag them down with me, and I won't be able to hurt them. They'll be safe from me. More importantly, I'll be safe from them. There's no telling when any one of them could suddenly turn and start screaming "Demon!" at me. Then I'll hurt, I'll cut, and I'll continue with my life, knowing that one more person hates me for something beyond my control. However, it is my body, so I should be able to control it, right? My body should reflect me, right? Then I'm a demon, through and through. And that won't ever change.
All I can do is hurt people and depress myself. Nothing productive. I don't have any skills, just dumb luck. And that's not even consistent enough to count for anything. I'm just a loser. A demon, a freak, and a loser. And that will never change.
To survive for now, I've just gotta mindlessly take notes. Write it down, don't pay attention, maybe read it later, probably lose it before I read it, get a crappy mark, that's the way it goes. I don't give a damn about high school. The bell will ring any minute and th-
RING!
Time for the cram school.
Crap.
I'd totally forgotten that Bon and Yukio and all the others are going to be there. And they'll see me. And we'll be in in class together. And this time, they'll all know.
Shit. Fuck. Damnit!
The knot in my stomach a lot larger very quickly. I want to run, to scream, to flee. But I can't. I know that I need to go to become an exorcist. I still want to kick the shit out of Satan, so I need to learn how to do it properly. I know I'm gonna need a little more than dumb luck to kick Satan's ass, so why can't I stop feeling so fucking afraid of going to class?
I'm pathetic, I know. I just clenched my fists, and made my way to the door that I usually use to get to the cram school. I just turn the key in the door, and now all I have to do it push... it... open...? Damn it! Onetwothreepush! And then into the room. Into the room where they're all going to stare at me, maybe pity, maybe hate, and they'll think about it. They'll all know. Every single one of them. But... Takara wasn't there. Neither was Shura. I really hope I have private lessons today.
Now I've gotta calm down. No hyperventilating, no tension, just act calm, act happy. It doesn't matter what I feel, they don't care, just show them all what they want to see and they'll look over it like nothing's wrong, just like always. Everything will go back to normal. I can deal with normal. Okay. I can do this.
I walked into the room, standing straight, and keeping my eyes off the floor... as best as I could. I didn't stare at my feet, just a few feet ahead of them. Quietly, I walked to my desk and sat down next to Shiemi. I had to do this just like normal. Nothing was different. It was all the same as it always has been. Except now they know...
"Hello Rin!" said Shiemi. She looked happy to see me for some reason. "How are you doing today?"
"Hi... Shiemi. I'm fine, I guess. How are you doing?" I asked. Be polite. Be nice. She can't have anything against me if I'm being nice, right?
"That's great to hear." she said. Then we just sat next to each other in an awkward silence. I could feel the brief stares on my back from the Kyoto group and from Izumo. They didn't last long, and they didn't all do it at once, but I could tell that they were staring, watching.
After only a couple of minutes, Yukio walked into the room. He looked around at us, and dropped his teaching materials on the floor. At least there wasn't any rotten animal blood this time, just papers. He isn't usually this clumsy. I wonder what happened? Maybe it was just a moment of clumsiness? Nah, Yukio is never clumsy. Maybe he's just tired or something. And there's something that smells a little off about him... Off, but it's so familiar...
"Okumura-kun." Yukio stated.
"Y-Yes Yukio-sensei." I said. Damn. I screwed up.
"You'll be having special lessons with Miss Kirigakure today. She said that she'll meet you at your usual training spot." he said. He still sounded cold, but his eyes looked hurt.
"Thank you, teacher." I bowed and headed out. Yes! Private training. This means one more day where I don't have to face them. Whoever says that procrastination is a bad thing, I say it's a good thing. It's comfortable, and I rather like it.
I wandered over to the target practice/baseball cage room. I dunno what it's supposed to be called, but it's the place we do the training most often. I see Shura there, and she's already set up several sets of candles. She still has that giant bagful of them too. Does that thing ever run out of candles? Or is it like and infinite supply bag? I thought exorcists couldn't do magic though...
Stop. Being. Distracted! I need to sit down and focus and just get this training done.
No words were needed, no instructions. I just sat down in front of the first set like I was meditating of something. Now I'll focus on the candles. Focus on the candles, and now let them burn.
All three burst into foot-and-a-half high blue flames. I jumped. Fuck. I forgot that I can't just think of candles and burning. That lights all three with whatever amount of fire I'm commanding. Shit. I learned how to stop doing that the first day. What's wrong with me?
"Oi, Rin. Focus. Don't tell me ya forgot everything ya've learned so far. I know yer a moron sometimes, but ya never work backwards like this." Shura commented.
"I know. I just lost my focus. I'll try again."
"Ya better. How else are ya gonna master yer flames?"
I turned to the next set. Okay left and right candles. One inch tall flames. Burn.
And now the bases of the outside candles are melting. I can't get this!
The third set. Left and right candles. One inch flames. A little higher. Burn.
And nothing happened. Why wasn't anything happening? I stared at the candles. They didn't seem to be doing anything at all. I leaned in a little to see if I could spot something wrong, and suddenly my face felt like it was burning. I screamed.
"Oi, Rin. Stop screaming." Shura threw a bucket of cold water in my face, then helped me remove the stuff that was burning my face. It was just candle wax. What the hell...
"I've never seen ya do that one before. Here, place these wet cloths on yer face until the burning starts to go away. Dip them in this bucket if they start to go dry. I can't believe ya made the candles explode!" She seemed far too amused, but I did fail. She has a right to laugh at me.
"Sorry..." I apologized. I wanted to cry. Nothing that I tried had worked. It probably wasn't going to, ever. I'm not that smart. I'm not that powerful. I can't just make those flames obey me. I'm not nearly strong enough, smart enough, good enough...
"Hey, don't worry too much. Just try again when yer ready, okay?" Shura is being way too nice right now. I looked up at her, my eyes (hopefully) questioning her.
"Ya look like shit. It's no wonder ya can't concentrate, ya dumbass. Why didn't ya just stay home today?" she asked. Is she really concerned? Maybe. She doesn't know yet, so maybe it is genuine concern...? I feel a slight hope fill my chest, and a smile traces my lips.
"I'm okay. Just tired, you know? Yukio's a slave driver with that homework." I closed my eyes and let out a chuckle, allowing a grin to appear on my face. Let her think everything's still normal. She doesn't need to know.
Just then, I heard a couple of footsteps and felt a hand press down on my hair. "Ya know, it's okay to admit yer hurting. Don't give into it though, that's the stuff that demons feed on, and I know yer better than that. But, if ya ever need to vent, ya've got a lot of good people who're gonna help. Me too, ya know." The hand ruffled my hair a bit. I felt a sharp sting through my chest. I don't even remember the last time someone gave me some sort of comforting gesture like that. "If ya can't focus 'cause ya've got something on yer mind, just let it out. Ya won't get any better otherwise." she said.
"Thanks Shura, but I'm fine, really." I smiled. This time, it almost felt real.
"Don't give me that crap. I know yer not fine. Don't lie about it. If ya don't wanna talk or don't wanna tell me, that's fine. No more lying though, got it?" Shura said, staring intently at me.
"Yeah, got it. Just have a lot on my mind is all. I think I need a small break. I'll be back in ten, and finish training." I said. I stood up, stretched, and left the room. A few laps of the hallways will hopefully be enough to clear my head a little bit.
"I hope that's all..." I heard Shura mutter to herself just before I shut the door.
Cram school was due to start in five minutes or so. All of the members filed in and took their seats like normal, even Rin, surprising most of the students. Izumo, Konekomaru, and Shima had thought that he wouldn't show up today because of what had happened yesterday. After he had walked in, acting like he normally did, he sat down, like he normally did, and talk to Shiemi, like he normally did. Konekomaru and Shima couldn't figure out why he was acting like nothing had happened.
Izumo knew what was going on. She stared at his back and watched him put up his charade. She knew all about what that felt like. She knew that it hurt, she knew that it was probably tearing him up inside, it being anxiety. She knew that he'd be afraid of them. More so now than before, if he was afraid of them before. Now that they had information that he didn't want them to know, they could be more of a threat, even if they all knew that they weren't going to hurt him in any way. It was a basic human fear, really. It's a fear that all humans share. The fear of the unknown. He had no way of knowing what they were going to do with that information, and that scared him. He's scared, so he's acting in the only way that he knows how to in this situation, act like he always has. If he acts the same, then maybe we'll act the same too. It's sad, but if that's the way he's going to play it out, then that's what they'd have to go along with.
Konekomaru took a glance at him. He was scared that Okumura was in class. He figured that yesterday's incident would cause weird emotional instabilities in Okumura, and cause him to go off on all of them at the wrong moment. He was scared for all of his friends and classmates. He really didn't want Okumura here, but he had no choice. He just hoped that since Okumura was acting fairly normal, that the rest of the day would go by normally too. It wasn't that he didn't feel bad for what Okumura had gone through, or maybe was going through? It wasn't that, but he felt more concern for those he was close with than someone that he didn't really know at all. Especially now that he knew that he didn't know anything about the mystery of Okumura.
Shima looked over, and he felt kinda sad. Why was Okumura still lying to them? They all knew, so what was there to hide? Was it pride or something stupid like that? Doesn't he know that it's okay to just let down his guard, let it out, then laugh it off later? Maybe he doesn't. Maybe that's what we've done to him, beyond just causing him grief. Maybe they'd all hurt him so badly that he couldn't trust them enough to let them know when he was having a really rough day. It really was sad, now that he thought about it.
Takara played with his puppet, like he normally did.
Bon stared long and hard at his new temporary roommate. He had looked like shit this morning and he still looked like shit. Although, Bon wasn't sure if anyone else had noticed it, though. He knew that Okumura could hide his feelings and act okay so that none of them would notice unless they knew what they were looking for. That's why he could see it. Izumo too, he suspected, but he also knew that they couldn't do anything. Not while Okumura hid himself away from them. Yeah, they're all friends with him, but he doesn't think that way for some reason. Well, for a good reason. Just because they all wanted to help doesn't mean that Okumura will accept it, or even let them if they show too much effort. It's a tough situation all around. They couldn't do anything, Okumura wouldn't get better, get over it, and he wouldn't come to them for help. Friends help each other out, god damn it! That stupid moron...
Shiemi was just worried. She knew that Rin was upset. She knew that he was uncomfortable. The awkward silence only made her feel more awkward as well. She was never good at these types of things to begin with, but this just made it harder. She didn't know how to talk to Rin anymore because he just seemed so different from his usual self. Sure, he tried to act the same, but she knew that it was forced. Rin just wasn't acting like Rin anymore, and she missed him.
Yukio soon walked into the room and dropped the materials that he was carrying. He quickly gathered them up and made his way to the front of the room to the teacher's desk.
"Okumura-kun." Yukio stated.
"Y-Yes Yukio-sensei." Rin said.
"You'll be having special lessons with Miss Kirigakure today. She said that she'll meet you at your usual training spot." Yukio said.
"Thank you, teacher." Rin bowed and walked out.
After Rin had left, Yukio let out a big sigh.
"I'm sorry class, I've been very stressed as of late, and as such, have no new material prepared for today. However, most of you do need to brush up on the names of herbs and plants used in the treatment of demon-inflicted wounds. Today we will be having a review session so that you can master-" Yukio was cut off by a hand slamming on the desk.
"This is bullshit, teach. We're all in the same boat here. I know that he's your brother and all, but don't give us some lameass excuses like this. It's not fair to anyone involved. There is someone in this class who's hurting worse than all of us, and we aren't even paying attention to that. If he can suck it up, so can we. So come on, teach. Give us a real lesson." Bon stated angrily. He still felt that Yukio was being dense and self-centered. Well, he had acted similarly until he'd talked to Izumo, but he wasn't doing that anymore. Why couldn't anyone just listen to what Rin was saying?
"He's telling us everything that we need to know, we just need to listen. Maybe you can think about that after class, though?" Izumo commented. She needed to be a mediator. Normally, she wouldn't care, but if this got out of hand, it'd involve her anyways. She figured that she might as well try to calm it before it escalated.
"You're right. I apologize." Yukio said. The young exorcist briefly stared at his left arm before looking back up to the front and continuing with his lecture. "Last class we had covered..."
Yukio's tongue was moving, his mouth was forming words, but his mind was far off, completely elsewhere, and not caring about what he was doing. He didn't catch himself spilling a tear as his back was turned to the class while he drew the notes on the board. He also didn't notice the white dog that walked past the classroom as he was teaching his lesson.