Chapter ten: To have and to hold

"Just one question, Snape… I just want to know one thing and then we can go from there." She stood straight, fierce in her anger with him. He smiled, afraid a little because he loved this little woman so much. "Did you leave her?" She continued not looking him in the eyes but rather glancing around the semi-darkness of the dreamscape.

"Hermione, it's not that-" She cut off his words with a single steaming glare.

"Just Y-E-S or N-O Severus. It is not that difficult."

Severus heard her words, and thought he should step lightly. He did not want to lose her, but knew what he must say. He was terrified of speaking the words that would hurt her once more, and knowing all the while she didn't deserve it. He knew inside that he was a cad for doing it, and for thinking things about Hermione that no married man should think about a woman not his wife, and yet he wanted her so much. He desired her in a way that was completely foreign and unreal to him. Snape had spent most of his life being ignored, insulted, and tormented by almost everyone he had ever come in contact with. Yet now he stood in front of a woman who had opened his heart- the same heart that had been viciously closed the day Lily married James. And this woman- Hermione- reminded him so much of Lily. Everything she had been and everything she had made him feel. She was kind, when needed. She was brilliantly smart at everything. She was tough when she needed to be… and most of all… her touch made him tremble. Shaking himself out of his dream within a dream he rocked back on his heals, steadying himself for her blows of insults wrapped up in the inevitable truths.

"No," Severus said plainly. He couldn't sugar coat anything for her anymore. He knew she was a hard person to communicate with and why make it more difficult for both of them to hear? He smiled to himself as he thought he realized why the Potter and Weasley boys always looked so frustrated in school.

"No?" She repeated. She hadn't even realized that she had entertained a slight hope in her heart that he would leave Beatrice and coming running to he… until that hope was crushed and made her breathless. From that moment, she closed her heart to him, turning her back, disgusted with the sight of him, or rather, so entranced with the sight of him that the thought made her disgusted. She had selfishly opened her heart to him again- this time though he was married- she had trusted him. Once more her heart was broken and she feared the relapse into the depression she had barely begun to conquer creep back over her. It had taken so long for her to free herself of him.

"You don't understand, Hermione-"

"I don't understand? I don't understand that your are a slimy, two-timing bloody asshole who managed to make me love him AGAIN, and then just planned to string me along, while carrying on with his-"

"Will you shut up?!" When she looked back at him, his face was red with anger (or could it have been embarrassment?). She stood shocked, yet pleased with herself for getting that much in. "Hermione, you do not understand the position I am in. She's my wife. I made vows to her. I had planned to be committed to her for the rest of my life. I don't remember you ever taking vows such as the ones I've taken, so how would you be capable of understanding? You, who has never been married? I wanted to, Hermione. I wanted to walk in there, strong and competent because I knew that when it was all over, no matter how hard it was, or knowing that I was breaking her heart, I knew that when it was over, I'd come back to you… to be in your arms. I really… really… did. But you don't understand. When I got home… well, when I opened the door… DAMN IT!" Severus yelled, his confidence blown. He took a deep breath and began again. "She's pregnant. Beatrice is pregnant with my baby, and she told me last night. I have this responsibility now… one that I can't run away from." He walked toward her carefully, knowing he just might have caused her more heartache than imaginable. When he was close enough to touch she fell into him arms.

"But… I love you." Hermione said in disbelief, still reeling from the news. Her mind had been imagining all day their happy little life together once this was all over, and it was still hard for her to step away from the fantasy that would never be real now.

"And I love you Hermione, but this isn't a game. It doesn't involve just us now. I can only be so selfish. I draw the limit at hurting my own unborn child." His voice sounded resigned and Hermione knew he was right. She nodded awkwardly into his chest, feeling like she should be crying as her world crumbled, but unable to call up the tears. "I'm sorry 'Mione. We just seem to have terrible luck, don't we?"

"It's not fair but your right. I do understand."

"I have to try to make this work… give this other life a chance… its only fair to her and my child. I did love her once."

They were talking to each other, but neither was really listening. They both held each other within the dreamscape pitying themselves and licking their sore wounds. Finally Hermione broke the connection, breathing in his scent so close to her once last time before pulling away.

"Well," she said a slight smile on her face, trying to be her most congenial self. "Is this where I say 'congratulations'?"

IIII

She laid beside him, watching him sleep. She felt his breath rising and falling in his chest as he absently held her with one arm around her shoulders. She fingered the shirt he had worn to bed, feeling the cotton beneath her fingers, unable to sleep herself.

She sat bolt up-right in bed as he mumbled something in his sleep. She must have heard incorrectly. He was still sleeping.

And then he said it again.

"I love you too, Hermione."