Peace, such a strange thing. It's almost impossible to achieve for long periods of time. Without a common enemy it's impossible. Thankfully the Reapers have given me that at least, they don't just want humans extinct. They want Humas, Turians, Asari, Quarians, Salarians, Krogans, Hanars, Volus', Drells, Batarians, Elcors, Vorcha, Rachni, even Thresher Maws, Pyjaks and Varren all dead. No not just dead extinct, gone like none of us were ever even here. Granted even with this threat looming over every one in the galaxy, only some deem it terrifying enough to give the response it deserves. And getting them to put aside age old differences to face this threat isn't peace, its cooperation. "The second they are gone we'll fall back to trying to kill each other." I whisper to myself and lean back on my couch. Here I've been sitting staring at the blue glow of the tank, and the fishes swimming about completely ignoring the threat looming over them. I think I've been sitting here for the past 30 minutes or so, just trying to figure out how I can get both the Quarians and the Geth to help me. I can't take down the Reapers by myself, although everyone seems to think I can I know that I can't. I need fleets. I need a galaxy at my back ready to die taking these things down so that they never come back. "I just hope they don't have reinforcements waiting in dead space or something. It's hard enough to kill what's here without worrying about what I can't see." I mumble to myself and shift my attention to the ceiling of my cabin.
The headache hasn't passed. 'Maybe something's wrong with my cybernetics? Like a misfire. Maybe that's why I've been getting so many headaches recently.' I think to myself trying to come up with an explanation for this near constant pain I've been living with. I let out a sigh as I'm pretty sure that's not what's causing these headaches. 'If I'm being honest it's probably just do to… everything that's happened.' I reason with myself and let my eyes drift shut if just for a moment. But in that moment I see those inky shadows and I snap my eyes open again. I can't let myself slip into that nightmare. 'In…Out…In…Out.' I focus on my breathing and calm down, when a knock on the door breaks me from my thoughts. Casually I get up and answer it, not really surprised to see Tali standing there. I give her a small smile "Hey Tali." She, chipper as ever, responds with "Hello Shepard, mind if I come in?" I nod and allow her through the door. I stalk back to the couch and plop down unceremoniously as she stands nervously for a moment and then sits as well. I've never been entirely sure but a lot of the time she seems nervous, like she's not sure what her place is a lot of the time. It's gone down in the time we've known each other but sometimes in private that nervous energy is still there. 'It's almost like she's still waiting to hear someone say "Good Job"…no one ever does not really.' I try and relax again, but having another person in my chambers won't really let that happen. So I resign myself to a conversation, maybe it will help keep the shadows away. I settle back into the couch and give her a shrug. "What can I do for you Admiral?" I say in a slightly jesting tone, I can't help but smile.
Leaving Garrus I had decided to finally sit down and have a full conversation with Shepard. She's always given me such great advice, if only I could be more like her for my people. Maybe then I could be a better leader. On the ride in the elevator alone with my thoughts I give a sigh, 'I know my title is just a formality. But I just wish those moments when I am a leader didn't feel like I'm playing pretend in my Father's shoes.' I shake the thought from my head as I find myself before Shepard's door. Thankfully I'm allowed access and I can't help but smile at the sight of her. With the whole universe in chaos she seems to be the one constant thing. A rock, for all of us to lean on.
Nervously, I find a seat and I turn to look at the blue glow from the tank. I give a laugh at her jesting tone. I turn to her with a smirk, that I'm sure she can't see, "Well Commander, you could fulfill my curiosity about your pets, you seem to have more of those fish."
I see her eyes shift to the fish and she gives a melancholy smile before she answers. "Yes, I collected a few more that are native to Kahje a little while back. Thankfully the AI controls the temperature, lights, and food or else they'd all be dead." She shrugged as we both shared a brief laugh at her forgetfulness sometimes. I saw her sigh before she continued. "Worst part of being in command, things fall through the cracks no matter how hard you try."
I listen and watch her intently. I have always looked up to her in some way, so I note that this isn't her normal rate of speech. It's slower, and her eyes seem to go somewhere far away when she talks. But even yet, this is still Shepard. The person who saved me and who helped me become who I am today.
I lean back into my seat and look to my hands for a moment before speaking. "Being in command is new to me. Having people leaning on me is not something I'm accustomed to." Slowly my head lifts to notice that Shepard's green eyes have come to face me, they seem dimmer than usual and briefly I wonder if it's a human expression - much like Garrus' mandibles - but I dare not question that now, instead I listen.
Shepard takes a breath and gives a brief nod. "Being responsible for other's lives it's a heavy burden. But it becomes even heavier when you actually care about those who are relying on you." I hear her pause and see her face turn to the ground before she continues. "When you don't care you just want to do the job right. You feel the weight of the job nothing more. But when you start to care about those whom rely on you…then you have the weight of the job and each of their lives on your back. It can be crippling at times." I watch her intently and notice her hands wringing together, the quiver in her voice. Thankfully my mask will hide my expression from her because I know it's not a pleasant one at this moment. 'Shepard…what's happening to her? This isn't like her at all. Her voice is normally so strong, but now it sounds more…just not Shepard.' I can't help but have these thoughts run through my head. At first I am frightened but I realize it's because I feel that weight now,
"Seven Million lives rest on me…And I don't know if I can save them." I say to her in a low voice. I can hear her shift before she responds. "You're doing what you can Tali, nice thing about your board is their lives aren't all on you." I heave a sigh and stand up to look at the fish once more, briefly I wonder if there are fish on my home world. "My father's tech is what made this invasion possible…if we don't come out of this alive I am still responsible."
I can hear Shepard stand up as well and I turn to face her, standing with her hands in her jacket. "We'll get them out. Safely." I sigh and look down to the floor. "Maybe exile was better, at least they didn't listen to me." Shepard nods and comes over to me "It's easier when you aren't able to do anything sometimes. Then you don't have the responsibility if it fails." I look up and nod "I can't keep sacrificing myself for the good of the fleet. That stops now." I see Shepard make a face before patting my shoulder and turning from me back to the couch "Good Luck." I hear her say and I sigh. 'True, the only way I'd stop sacrificing myself for the fleet is if I stopped caring. But I still do.' I look over to Shepard and a chill runs over me when she speaks again, "That's what being in command is, to have the weight of every life on your back and sacrificing everything you are for those lives. It breaks most people. Find someone to lean on before you break. But sometimes they break too." A few moments of silence pass and I can't help but feel uncomfortable and afraid during these moments. I sigh "We'll talk later? I have to get back to the Admirals." I say and am slightly relieved when she gives me a brief nod. Before anything else can happen I leave.
Once I'm in the elevator I close my eyes and cling to the heartbeat of the ship, hoping for it to comfort me. 'Garrus won't break, I know I can lean on him when things get hard.' And I smile, that thought alone gives me more comfort than I can say in this moment. Thinking about Shepard and how strange she is I resolve to question Liara and Garrus, they know her and will be able to tell me what is going on.
As I make my way to Liara's office I can't help but realize that I just ran away from Shepard. I'm sure that's not how it looked to her, but it's what I did. A shiver runs through me at the prospect before entering the Asari's office. I notice the AI that greets me and hearing its chipper tone tell me to not disturb Liara makes me smile for a brief moment. "Hey Liara." I say with a slight wave and walk past the ball of light, as she turns around and gives me a smile
"Tali! You look well. How are you?" She asks in that soothing voice of hers, honestly it feels like a cool rush of water to my ears
"I'm…" I trail off and search my thoughts for a moment before answering "Concerned, and afraid." I raise my eyes to catch hers and I see an understanding and sympathetic face. She stands from her chair and comes to lay a hand on my shoulder.
"We all are, but we are doing everything we can to push the Reapers back and get your people out safely. Have you ever known Shepard to fail?" She asks with what I assume is an attempt at a soothing smile.
Her attempt fails. "Never. But that's when Shepard is Shepard. Right know…the human woman upstairs is not Shepard." I say to her not bothering to hide my thoughts on what I'd just experienced. She withdraws her hand and I begin to wring my own, a nervous habit. "I just came from her cabin, she was…not Shepard! She felt unsure and even unstable." I end in a small whisper and look to her face expecting shock and to be admonished for my thoughts. Instead I see a resigned sad face on my blue friend. I watch as she turns to an intercom and contact Garrus, "Get in here." Is all I can hear from their conversation; when Garrus enters the room I look to them both and cross my arms not only afraid about Shepard but concerned about their reactions. They know something and haven't told me yet…and now I'm angry. "What's going on?" I ask in a terse tone to my two old friends.
Garrus and Liara share a look before Liara speaks "Do you remember Thane Krios?"
"Of course." I answer with a quick response not wanting to draw this out.
Liara is about to speak but Garrus decides to move closer to me and I can see the slight clicks as he begins to speak "He's dead, a Cerberus assassin killed him. Shepard watched it happen, she couldn't stop him and she hasn't caught the bastard yet. Ever since then she hasn't been herself."
"Oh Keelah…" I whisper and raise a hand to my head as I realize just how much pain she must be going through. I let that sink in but I shake my head. "Shepard's lost people before. Sure they were close but…she doesn't just seem to be grieving."
A silence settles over us and Garrus shrugs before continuing. "Thane's son was worried that Shepard would be entering what the Drell call a 'Battle Sleep' It's like this extremely focused state of revenge but it's even-"
He pauses as I raise a hand to interrupt him "I know what 'Battle Sleep' is Garrus. I've heard of it in stories mostly though." I can feel a shiver cover my body at the thought. I sit and listen to Garrus and Liara explain to me everything that has been going on. And while I agree it seems to be 'Battle Sleep' I can help but shake this feeling that it's not just that. I think it's something worse, but I don't dare to tell Liara or Garrus my suspicions. I can't put this on them yet not till I have proof or I'm even sure. For now, I just let myself sit and mourn the loss of my idol, an unshakeable Shepard. At the end of the day she's still mortal she still has a heart, and it can break. But if the universe can't lean on Shepard then what are we going to do? She's always been the standard to live up to, and even the rock for me - and everyone else to lean on. I guess we have to stand on our own from now on.