Elliot's eyes shot open to the frail light of dawn, heart hammering with fear as he struggled into wakefulness. What year was it?
"Hey," Olivia whispered. His breath caught in his chest, and he tightened his arms around her with relief, memories coming back to him. It was still 2015. He was in her apartment, he was holding her in his arms. Olivia was safe.
"Hi," he said softly, eyes meeting hers with a weak smile. He brushed a lock of stray hair behind her ear, hand still shaking from the lingering effects of terror. The simple gesture brought him back to the present and to peace; he could hardly believe that he was allowed to do that, to touch her in such a casual way. She was beautiful in the morning, her lips curled softly in a smile, and her laughing eyes were almost copper in the gray light.
"It's morning," she said.
"Mmm," he agreed, pulling her closer and shutting his eyes.
"Elliot, I have to go to work."
"It's Friday," he complained good-naturedly. She wasn't really trying to get up, he just wasn't making it any easier for her.
She rested her chin on his chest, and looked up at him. He opened one eye, and then closed it with a smile.
"El," she protested.
"Liv," he said. "I have waited for 16 years to wake up like this. Just give me a few minutes."
He heard her smile. "16 years, huh?"
"Shh," he said, hiding a grin, and pulling her head back down on his chest. He heard her laughing, and a second later, Noah started calling out for his mom. Elliot groaned as she rolled off of him. He immediately missed the glowing warmth of her presence; every time she left, it was like being plunged into freezing ice water.
"Hey, baby."
"Hi," he cracked open his eyes, and she looked at him with a raised brow and a silent laugh. She was talking to Noah.
"Donuts," he squealed happily. "Hee hee."
Elliot hid a laugh and pushed to his feet. "Donuts," he agreed, sauntering over to stand a little closer than normal to them. Olivia blinked at him, but turned her attention back to Noah.
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have pancakes, sweetie?"
He shook his head. "Donuts."
She sighed, a smile twisting her lips. "I guess I could squeeze in a quick stop before work."
"Hee hee." She pressed a kiss to the top of Noah's head, and then looked hesitantly at him.
"El…"
"I know it's not safe, Liv." His tone was light, but his heart was sinking. "Just bring me one with sprinkles, okay?"
"I know your donut order," she reassured him with an easy smile, grabbing her purse and heading out the door with Noah babbling happily in her arms. "I'll see you in twenty."
As the door swung shut behind him, Elliot couldn't help but feel a sense of loss. Whoever had tried to kill him had stolen so much, and somehow a Friday morning getting donuts with the two of them didn't seem like any small thing. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and turned back to the dark apartment. It was incredible how much colder it felt without them in it.
He sat down at the kitchen table, wondering if reading his old files would make the twenty minutes go by faster or slower. Elliot couldn't focus, his ears were ringing in the silence, and there was nothing to halt the horror invading his mind. He couldn't stop himself from thinking of Lewis, from thinking of everything he had put Olivia through. All of the evils that he should have protected her from. I'll do anything. I want to live. His knuckles turned white with outrage, and he swallowed his burning anger, forcing himself to breathe. He could do this, he could stay calm. He had burned her breasts. Elliot was standing up; he had knocked his chair over, and was staring around blindly as his hands shook with fury. I knew that nobody was coming to save me.
A harsh yell escaped his throat, and he lashed out, kicking his chair and sending it skidding across the room. He could scarcely breathe, suffocating in the rage that was rushing through his veins and flooding him with fire. His fear of hurting Olivia and Noah had been his self control, but they weren't here now to soften his temper. Elliot was losing sight of himself, so out of control it terrified him. He needed to punch something, he needed to to kill Lewis, to attack anyone who had ever hurt her. But Lewis was dead, and he was drowning in the inferno that was his mind. Please, he begged himself. Remember Olivia. Her lips on his, her aching gaze, the way she felt in his arms. Her with Noah, laughing out of pure, simple joy. Bit by bit, his anger slowly slipped away, leaving him desolate. Elliot felt weak with grief as his cramping muscles began to relax, and his world came back into focus around him, made sharper by pain. He breathed in and out, walking stiffly over to the chair he had kicked and putting it back into place. He sat down again, head in his hands, exhausted and ashamed of the way he had just lost control. Elliot hated his anger, hated how it seized him and left him powerless. He knew it would always be a part of him, and he knew he would always be afraid of hurting someone he cared about.
He jumped at the sound of keys in the door, shattering his thoughts. Had it already been 20 minutes? He hated the way time could get away from him when he forgot himself; it was too much like waking up again. "We're back," Olivia had opened the door with a smile and a dozen donuts, Noah bouncing happily on her hip.
"Donuts!" He giggled, shoving a fist in his mouth. Elliot found his smile again, even though it was a little shaky, and went to greet them. He lifted Noah into his arms, smile softening into something real as he hugged the little guy.
"Ellie," Noah said with a grin. "Donuts." Elliot surprised himself by laughing aloud at the nickname, a simple happiness finding its way into his aching heart. The warmth of his love was every bit as powerful as his pain, and he suddenly realized the enormity of what Noah was to Olivia. He gave her so much joy, so much purpose and love. He made all the suffering bearable, all the pain less oppressive by simply being himself. Noah was truly a gift from God.
Olivia set their sugary breakfast down on the table with a laugh. "Ellie, could you get out some plates?" She smirked at him, and he rolled his eyes, going to get them.
"I happen to like my new name." His heart felt a bit lighter as he smiled at them. "Thank you, Noah. Ellie likes donuts."
Noah giggled. "Donuts."
"Yeah, yeah." Elliot smiled, ruffling his hair as a fresh wave of sadness washed over him. "What kinds did you get?" He squinted at the box, determined to distract himself. He was so caught between love and pain; he was so happy to be here with the two of them, but his joy struggled with the torment of knowing everything Olivia had been through. It was just so wrong that someone as beautiful and selfless and compassionate as she was should have ever been put through that kind of hell. Breathe, he prodded himself as his anger attempted another uprising.
"Chocolate, sprinkles, jelly…" She looked up at him, and faltered, concern shading her gaze: Are you okay?
Elliot attempted a reassuring smile, but he couldn't quite pull it off. He waved a hand dismissively, bouncing Noah as he giggled. "I'm fine." It was a lie, and he knew it, but he wasn't going to bring up Lewis. He just wanted her to be happy, and she was right now.
"Hee hee."
They smiled at him. "Noah, do you like your donut?" He licked his fingers, giggling. The donut was as big as his face. Olivia turned to look at him. "I think I'm going to have to give him a lot of broccoli after this."
Elliot made a face, which Noah immediately copied. Suddenly, looking at them, he felt a want for words; he wanted to tell Olivia how much this little family meant to him. The way that Olivia looked at Noah, like he was her sun; it was the one part of all this that he wouldn't trade for anything. It was the one brilliant light that shone in the midst of all this darkness.
"What is it, El?"
He blinked at her, a dumb smile on his face. "I just…" He gestured vaguely. "I'm really happy for you, Liv. You make a great mother. This family...it suits you."
They stared at each other for a moment until a pleased smile spread across her face, and she turned away to hide a blush. "I'd better get to work." She kissed Noah, and looked at Elliot a little strangely before turning away again. "Remember to call your doctor."
"Okay...And yeah, I will. Melinda's coming over today, right?"
She nodded, fumbling with her keys. "I'll see you later, El."
"Stay safe, Liv."
He hated watching her leave where he couldn't follow. He should be by her side, there to watch her back if she needed it. He looked down at a fart noise. Noah was blowing raspberries on his arm, and he tickled him, tossing him into the air as he screamed with laughter. Elliot was chuckling, too.
"Someday," he told Noah when he was sitting safely on his lap. "Ellie's going to take you out for donuts."
"Donuts," he agreed.
...
Thanks for reading, lovelies. Leave a review if you feel like making me smile :) .
If you caught the premiere, you may have also screamed at your television...Any theories on Amanda's baby daddy? Or WHY THEY BROUGHT THAT AWFUL FOREWOMAN BACK?
xoxo