Soda startled awake and looked around the room. Pony was fast asleep next to him, with his head on Soda's shoulder. He rested his head on top of his little brother's, feeling yesterday's events wash over him. Just remembering the cut he'd been about to make when Steve came in made his heartbeat quicken. Soda ran his hand up his shirt sleeve and touched his arm, where most of the healing cuts were. He squeezed, feeling little pinches, as his fingernails grazed the skin. Realizing what he was doing, Soda dropped his hand and jerked away from Pony. He had to get up, or this urge would only get worse.
Soda briefly wondered what had happened to that knife. Either Steve still had it, or he'd given it to Darry. He'd thought maybe if he didn't have it, the impulse would dissipate. Maybe they thought that too. Soda's mind wandered into dark places, thinking that if he really wanted to, there were other sharp objects he could find. He pondered this only a few moments before telling himself no; he wanted to stop. Soda hadn't even cut for very long and had already realized the more he did it, the stronger the impulse was the next time. He didn't want anything having such power over him, and he wanted the terrible shame to go away too.
Soda recalled Darry's words about coming to him if he felt like this again. Steve had told Soda the same thing later that evening. He knew they were fiercely serious, but he did wonder if they truly understood it was a matter of when, not just if.
Soda quietly pushed open Darry's door. He'd already decided he wouldn't wake his big brother. He just wanted someone near him, someone who knew. Soda had just been in his bed next to Pony, but he couldn't tell him yet. He didn't know if he ever would. Besides, Darry was Soda's big brother, and it seemed he needed him to help chase the demons away. Soda smiled slightly, thinking of how he'd been afraid of the dark when they were just little boys. Darry hadn't made fun of him. He had only said no monsters could get Soda, as long as he was there. This time, the monsters were real.
Darry didn't stir, as Soda crawled into the bed and lay down close to him. He rested his head against Darry's back. Soda hadn't been there long when Darry began to turn over in his sleep. He bumped into Soda, and his eyes popped open.
"Sorry, Darry. I didn't mean to wake you," Soda whispered, as Darry's eyes sleepily focused on him.
"It's five in the morning, little buddy," Darry said, as he glanced at the clock and yawned.
"I know. It's just you said..." Soda trailed off for a moment. "I needed you."
Darry woke up a little more and caught on to what Soda was trying to say. "You wanted to cut again, didn't you?" he asked, seeking confirmation.
Soda nodded, as Darry reached for the folded blanket at the foot of his bed. He sensed Soda needed to feel more physical comfort, so he wrapped the warm blanket around his brother's shoulders and also kept his arm around him.
"How long have you been here?" Darry asked.
"A few minutes, I guess. Not long," Soda answered, pulling the blanket closer to soak up the comfort.
The two brothers sat in silence for a few minutes.
"You okay, Sodapop?" Darry wondered.
"I think so. Just wanted to be close, you know?"
"I get it. You can do this. Does that feeling just pass after a while?" Darry asked what he was wanting to understand more fully.
"Looks like it. I mean, I gave in to it every other time," Soda admitted.
Darry heard the sorrow and regret in Soda's voice and wished he could ease that burden of guilt. He decided to try. "Listen to me, little buddy. It's not your fault."
"But, Darry, I'm the one who-"
"I know, but think about it. You were hurting. You're still hurting. You told me yourself you were just trying to make it stop."
"Yeah, I was," Soda agreed, feeling the shame inside him beginning to suffocate.
"You couldn't have known it'd end up like this. I didn't know that could be so hard to stop either."
"Thanks, Dar. That helps." Soda took Darry's words to heart.
"Not now, but soon, I want to hear exactly what made you hurt enough that you wanted to cut at all. And I do mean everything."
Soda nodded, remembering how he'd told Darry he felt lost and stuck in the middle. He was beginning to see how those, along with a troubling mix of guilt, grief, and fear, had started the dark and winding path he still walked.
"Coming over later?" Soda asked Steve, as he clocked out.
Soda was about to leave for the day. Steve would be at the DX for a few more hours since he'd had school that day.
"Yeah, I will. I think I'll crash on your couch again, if that's okay. I ain't ready to deal with my old man again yet," Steve replied, as he straightened his DX cap.
"Hey, Greasers!" a voice yelled.
Soda and Steve turned to see two Socs approaching the counter. Steve recognized them from school. They were Gary and his friend, Thomas. They were the same guys TwoBit mentioned had been messing with Pony.
"What do you want? This ain't even your turf," Steve said, scowling.
"We didn't come to talk to you. Just your buddy here. The dropout," Gary said, gesturing to Soda.
Soda didn't miss school and didn't mind working full time at the gas station at all. Yet, he hated being called that. "Lay off, man. What I do with my time is not your business," he said calmly.
"But what you do with my woman is," Gary sneered.
"What are you talking about?" Soda asked, honestly having no idea and thinking they had the wrong guy.
"Susan is my girl. I heard you were flirting with her," Gary answered, narrowing his eyes.
Soda was getting annoyed. He hadn't even called that girl. Sure, she was cute, but he didn't have the energy for dating at all now. He missed it, but he felt he had to much going on in his head to deal with it. Soda was the type to want a real relationship, like he'd had with Sandy, and he didn't have the emotional strength to build one yet. Besides, getting his heart broken again any time soon didn't sound appealing when he was just trying to take care of himself.
"You can have her. I never even called her, and no way could I have known she's with you. Get lost!" Soda said.
"Yeah. Get the hell out of here!" Steve added.
"That's all right, Grease. I had a go at your woman," Thomas commented.
Soda knew he must be talking about Sandy. Everyone at the high school had known about them when they were together.
"Hey! I said get out of here!" Steve yelled.
"Ha, just like your brother. Getting your friends to fight your battles for you. Man up, Grease," Gary taunted.
Soda knew he was talking about Pony now too. He'd heard about the incident at the school.
"You leave my brother alone!" Soda shouted.
"Your girl was so hot. You should've heard-" Thomas was saying before Steve interrupted.
"Hey, we got customers about to start coming in here, and you ain't buying anything. Go back to your turf!"
Steve wanted to punch the guy senseless for the remarks about Sandy. The only thing stopping him was the fact that he was at work and needed his job. Their boss didn't like fights taking place at the station when his employees were on the clock.
"Make us! Hey, Thomas, what were you saying about his girl? I want to hear. No wonder she dumped him. She deserved better than a grease ball like that." Gary started in on Soda again.
Soda bolted out from behind the counter and grabbed the front of Gary's shirt, pushing him against the wall. "Shut up!" he growled, feeling the need for a rush course through him.
"I'm telling you. She couldn't keep her hands off me, even after we-" Thomas was cut off when Soda's fist slammed into his face.
Steve scrambled to pull Soda off of Thomas and saw Gary draw his fist back. He was about to hit Soda, so Steve punched him in the stomach. He grabbed Soda by the arm and pulled him away. Both Socs took off outside, figuring they would head back to their own territory now.
"You better run!" Soda yelled after them.
"They were asking for it," Steve said, shaking his head.
"Damn, Steve. Why'd you pull me away?" Soda asked, as if he didn't understand.
"You wanted me to let that other one punch you?" Steve looked at Soda questioningly.
"I could've handled him." Soda shrugged.
"You were too busy punching his buddy's lights out to even see it coming, man."
"I guess you're right, but I got so mad at him talking about Sandy like that. That ain't even right to talk about a girl that way, even if it's not true." Soda leaned against the counter.
Steve didn't know why, but it looked like Soda was shaking. Was he that angry, or was there another explanation?
"Hello. Welcome to the DX," Steve greeted the pair of customers who had just come inside. He was grateful no one else had been around to see that fight. Their boss wouldn't have to know, and at least Soda had technically been off the clock.
"I really wanted to keep punching him, Steve." Soda spoke, as if he were shocked.
"Well, you were mad, buddy, and I don't blame you. Guys were jerks."
"Yeah, it's just more than that though. Man, I'm shaking so much." Soda realized fighting had felt too good.
"Buddy, why don't you just hang out here? Go in the break room or something," Steve suggested, not wanting Soda to go home, where he may be alone.
"Yeah, I'll do that, at least until I'm not so shaky." Soda grabbed a bottle of Pepsi, then walked to the break room.
Steve had just finished putting gas in the last of a line of several cars when he saw Darry's truck pull into the parking lot. "Hey, Darry, Soda's in the break room," he yelled, as he walked toward him.
Darry nodded and went inside the station and toward the back. He looked into the break room and found Soda wasn't there. Steve appeared behind him, looking confused. "He was just here," he said.
"Maybe he decided to go home," Darry offered, shrugging.
"Yeah, guess he was feeling better. Man, these Socs were talking trash about Sandy."
"Oh, yeah? What'd Soda say?"
"He punched one of them in the face. I don't blame him either. Guy went to far. Same Socs were picking on Pony at school too."
"So what happened? They fight back?"
"Guy's buddy was about to hit Soda, but I pulled him out of the fight. He didn't even see it coming."
"Thanks, man. I'm glad you did."
"Something else happened though. Soda started shaking a lot not long after and asked me why I pulled him out. He said he really wanted to keep punching him. Like he didn't expect to feel like that."
"Well, he was angry. Sounds normal to me."
"That's what I said, but Soda told me it's more than that. I'm already so worried about him, I can hardly take it, Darry." Steve walked back to the counter.
"I know what you mean. I'm going to go home and see if he's there. I'm thinking so, and I don't want him alone right now."
"All right. I thought the same thing. I'll be over after our guy who works the later shift comes in."
Darry waved at Steve, as he went outside and walked back to his truck. He realized he couldn't keep tabs on Soda 24 hours a day, but that didn't stop him from being concerned. He knew Soda wasn't in a good place with how he had been feeling, and he was worried he'd end up cutting again to try to numb whatever emotions he was experiencing. He didn't know for sure, but Darry did have an idea about what Soda may have meant when he said he'd wanted to keep punching that Soc. If he was right, that would also explain why he had been shaking. Darry hadn't seen much yet, but between how Soda had been that morning in his room and Darry's now more informed view of his brother's behavior for the past week, he was beginning to get the picture.