"No"

"Lou,"

"No"

"I'm begging you to stay Lou. Trust me to do this, trust me to bring Jimmy home." Buck pleaded, but there was no need for it, I did trust him.

"I do trust you Buck," Buck narrowed his eyes at me, "I do. But you have to understand that you have no idea who you're dealing with when it comes to my father."

"Really Lou? Because if I remember rightly you had no idea who you were dealing with when the Cheyenne took you, so don't be throwing that in my face."

"That's different." I snapped back.

"No it's not and the sooner you see that the quicker we can move on." Buck's face softened as he growled out that last sentence. "Lou if you go, you are giving your father what he wants. If you are there it complicates things and puts us all in a bigger risk, please think about this." He told me a lot calmer, but it didn't matter, he didn't know, he didn't get it.

"Jimmy has been there for all this time, do you realise what state he may be in? Or if he is even alive?" I tried not to think of Jimmy on that whipping post. His wrists bound tight as his head...No, I had to stop thinking that way. But the image kept coming into my head. "How do you think I will ever be able to look at him again?"

"He will be alright Lou. You have to believe he will..."

"And what about you?" I asked, trying to keep my tears from falling.

Buck looked somewhat grateful that I had voiced my concerns for him. "Nothing is going to happen to me."

"You can't promise me that, so don't you dare." It frightened me when I thought about losing him. "Buck please I can't lose you too." I began to cry.

Buck was in front of me in seconds. He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me something fierce. I continued to cry as his mouth roughly attacked mine. His hands were holding my head like a vice. I couldn't pull away even if I wanted too.

I opened my mouth for him, kissing him with just as much vigour. For, we both knew that he would be leaving and there was a great chance that he wouldn't be back.

In mere seconds Buck had stripped both of us our clothing. And although this was the roughest he had ever been with me, in this moment it still didn't seem rough enough.

I needed to feel him on my body. I wanted him to leave his mark.

Buck spun me around so my bare back was pressed hard against his naked front. His hands pushed my long hair away from my neck as his lips kissed, nipped and sucked at the soft skin.

I could feel his hardened man hood against my backside, as one of his big hands rested on my hip. His other hand left my hair and came to rest on my shoulder, with a slight push he had me bending over the sharp prickly hay.

His hand ran down my spine, slowly, before both of his hands ran down the side of my naked form. I tried not to think of my scarred ugliness that he could see on my back, but I didn't have to try too hard, as his hands felt so good on my body.

His fingers ghosted over my breasts, my nipples pebbling under his touch.

I whimpered, as I rubbed my thighs together. He was teasing me, where all I wanted was for him to take me.

One hand stayed on my breast, as the other hand came round to play with my hot centre.

With a breathless whimper I begged him, I begged for him to take me. I couldn't wait any longer.

I felt his hand reaching for his manhood, aligning himself with my heat. I bucked my hips impatiently, causing Buck to hiss.

His hands found purchase on my hips, as he held me still.

With a tender harshness, he entered me, I squealed in both surprise and in ecstasy. This was not making love, and although love was behind every thrust and every touch, there was no denying that this was a raw and wanting need.

"I didn't hurt you did I?"

I was lying with my head on his bare chest, playing with the ends of a strand of his silky hair. "You could never hurt me Buck." His fingers were tracing imaginary circles on my back, I could feel my eyes drifting shut, but I quickly opened them.

I did not want to waste a minute of the time I had with Buck, for I did not trust that we would be together again.

Life is cruel. Both Buck and I are witnesses to that. So when he says to trust that he will come back to me, I can't.

I have hope that he will, I will pray that he does, but I will not believe it until it happens.

"If you are not back in a week, I'm coming for you." I whispered softly and quietly, but I knew Buck had heard me.

He pulled my body on top of his. I laid my hands on his chest, and leaned my head in closer to his. "Then I will be back in a week." He said as he pulled my head down and captured my mouth with his.

I started rubbing myself along his already hardened self. He moaned into my mouth as my hand reached between us. This time I bought him to me.

I slid down, slowly, loving every inch of him. I didn't move, not at first I just continued to kiss him, and enjoy the fact of knowing that physically we couldn't be any closer.

Soon though, my body needed to move.

I rose back up, with the palms of my hands back on his chest as I raised and lowered myself up and down his cock.

It was slow and it was meaningful. Our eyes saying what our mouths could not speak.

This was making love.

.

.

.

The morning came around too quick, I wasn't ready to say goodbye, and I wasn't ready to be left behind.

I looked at every face of my family, and shook my head in anguish. I wanted Jimmy back, but I didn't want the rest of my family to get hurt in the process.

"Louise honey, try not to worry." Teaspoon told me, as his hands held the tops of my arms. I looked into Buck's eyes, then back down to Teaspoon's.

"Just bring them all home Teaspoon. Don't leave anyone behind, no matter what." Teaspoon nodded knowing that I meant even if someone was not walking away from this, then they are to be bought home as well.

"Everyone will be coming back Lou." He kissed my cheek and went to mount up with the boys.

"Remember a week." I reminded Buck, as a tear rolled over the same cheek, Teaspoon had just kissed.

Buck nodded before saying, "And not before." I returned his nod, hoping that I would be able to hold up my end of the deal. I know I won't be able to last a week.

"Bye boys," Rachel waved as her arm wrapped around my shoulder. The other boys said their good bye and rode off. Buck stayed for a moment, staring intently into my eyes, before following the boys.

"I love you," I cried as his silhouette faded into the scenery.

.

.

.

Three days had past and I was walking around like the living dead.

Both Rachel and Danielle tried to keep me busy, but my mind was not in Rock creek, it was with my boys.

It was on that third day that I decided that I had to go after them. I had to follow my heart.

I didn't know if I could save Jimmy but I knew that I could save Buck and the others.

"Rachel I know this is wrong, I know in my heart that they are riding to danger, tell me how do I sit here and just allow them to do that?" I asked as I threw some of my things together.

"You promised that you would give them a week. Please Lou, please don't do anything stupid. I was here when the boys were lost without you, please don't let me see that hurt in their eyes again."

"You weren't witness to the loss I felt when I was being held captive. Three years I was surrounded by people who hated me, treated me like I was worth nothing. Every god damn day I thought of my boys, and every day it hurt just a bit more that I didn't have them by my side." I cried, hoping she would see that I needed this. "I will not lose them again. I need them, I need them all."

Rachel walked over to the window and stared out to the yard. I knew where she was coming from, and I was sorry that I was going to let her down, but I knew that this was right. I knew that if I was ever to see Jimmy...I mean all of them again I had to do this.

"Rachel, I know my father, they don't. They have a big disadvantage." Rachel turned and looked at me.

"I'm not afraid to beg Lou, but please don't make me." I could see the tears in her eyes as she pleaded with me and it made me hate myself for what it was I was going to do, but they didn't know.

"I can't sit here waiting. Jimmy could already be dead," I had to swallow that heart breaking reality, before I continued. "I'm sorry I have to go."

"Jimmy could still be alive, Lou. You are rushing into this, please Lou you promised Buck that you would wait." I knew Buck would be pissed at first, but I also know he will forgive me.

"I'm done waiting Rachel. I'm going." Rachel gave me a disapproving eye and walked away from me. I will apologise to her if I am wrong but not before.

I packed little, so it didn't slow me down. I knew that I was already too late and couldn't afford to be any later.

"Lou please this is me begging you. Please don't go," I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her tight.

"It's ok Rachel. I promise you that it is ok." Rachel pulled me into a hug and she kissed the top of my head.

I swung open the door, determined about my quest, but stopped short when I took the scene in front of me in.

"I thought I told you a week." Buck's voice reprimanded. I dropped my things and ran into his open arms, crying tears of happiness that he was back. I held onto him for dear life as I kissed his neck and his face.

"Did you miss me too Lou?" Cody asked me, with what I think was a hopeful tone. My lips took a break from kissing Buck, to look up to the other boys. They would never have any idea how much I missed them and how happy I was to have them all back. But as I looked for the one I missed the most, it wasn't there.

"Where is he?" I asked, mentally preparing myself for bad news. I pushed myself out of Buck's arms readying myself for the worst.

"We don't know Lou." Buck told me gathering me up in his arms once again. "He was gone when we got there." Lou could tell by Buck's tone that there was something else.

"Buck?" I questioned pushing myself away again. I didn't want his arms around me at the moment, I wanted answers.

I watched as Buck looked to the other boys as if silently telling them to give us some space. Whatever had happened, it was obviously bad news.

"Just tell me Buck," I somewhat begged. "If something has happened to Jimmy, then I want to know." Buck frowned down at me.

"It's not Jimmy," he told me in what I can only assume was an annoyed tone. "Your father is dead." Buck announced sadly.

Why the emotion while he told me this, I did not know.

"But you're alright, and you boys are all alright," I looked behind Buck once again seeing that the others were in fact ok, "And Jimmy is alright, right?"

Buck nodded his head, confirming that yes they were all alright. "Then I don't care what else happened."

Buck gave me a strange look. "What?" I asked annoyed that he wasn't kissing me, or carrying me off to somewhere more private instead of standing there staring at me.

"I just don't know whether to be sad or happy that you don't care your father is dead." He admitted to me.

"You should be happy, cos' he can't hurt me anymore." Buck gave me a small nod, but I could see he was still not convinced.

"So was it Jimmy?" I asked Buck, but he seemed confused. "Who killed my father," I clarified.

"Apparently he shot your father and just left." He told me, keeping his distance.

"Do you know if he was hurt? I mean my father didn't know who he was did he?" If he had known Jimmy was on my side, I hate to think the pain he inflicted on him.

"I don't know Lou." Buck snapped at me.

"What's gotten into you?" I asked taken back by the tone in his voice.

"Nothing," Buck dismissed. I was becoming annoyed that Buck wasn't giving me anything. It feels like he is trying his darnedest to be difficult.

"Did you find someone who told you Jimmy killed my Father?" I pressed.

"Yes,"

"Then surely they know something else, I mean what direction Jimmy rode of in, when he left, when..."

"Lou just stop." Buck hushed quietly but coldly. "Just stop. Jimmy will come home when he is good and ready."

"Buck I..." I started but Buck shook his head as he turned to walk away.

"Lou I'm tired, I will see you later on." I stood there not sure of what just happened.

"Buck, don't be like this. You can't just walk off making me feel like I have done something wrong." I said as I walked after him.

"It was me that was in the wrong." He told me as he continued to walk.

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"Nothing, forget I said it."

"No, I won't forget it. Tell me what you did that was so wrong." I pleaded. He was still giving me nothing.

I reached out and pulled on his hand, making him stop. "Please Buck I don't understand what the hell has just happened."

"You. Jimmy. It is always going to be like this. I was a fool to think that you could just fall out of love with him, and yet I believed it could happen. I was wrong to take you like I did, and I was wrong to believe that you loved me back." He ranted.

"I do love you Buck."

"It's not enough Lou. I need you to love me with your whole heart. I deserve that." Buck looked away from me and towards town, while I looked behind him and into the eyes of our family. "Until you can do that, then I don't think that we can be together again." His voice said, sounding detached from this conversation and detached from me.

I wiped the tears from my face as I tried to find the words to say.

I did love him, and I did want to be with him, but he wasn't wrong that I wanted that with Jimmy as well.

But this wasn't fare.

I had told him of my split heart when we decided to give us a go. He knew how I felt, and I had not once tried to hide that.

"You are a coward Buck Cross." I told him, taking my eyes off of Teaspoon.

"How do you figure that?" He asked.

"Because you know how I feel about Jimmy. You know and yet you still wanted me, you wanted us. Now that there is a possibility of Jimmy returning, you're scared."

Buck rounded on me so fast. It took me and the other boys by surprise.

Grabbing the tops of my arms he looked at me with fire in his eyes. "Your damn right I'm scared. I put my heart in your hand, trusting that you would care for it, love it, like I love you. But knowing that Jimmy's heart is in your other hand..." Buck looked away from me, but only for a second. "Scares me to death."

I let out a sob as I took in his pain. It was written all over his face, and hidden in every word he spoke.

I hadn't noticed when, but Ike and Teaspoon had come to stand next to Buck. "Can you stand there and tell me that I have nothing to fear? That when Jimmy returns, and we both know he will, that I will not see a longing in your eyes every time they look to him?" Buck asked, as tears now fell from his eyes. "Can you promise me those things?"

I went to utter my yes, but I shook my head 'no' as I cried out loud. I couldn't promise him any of those things, because I simply didn't know.

Buck's hands fell from my arms immediately as he stumbled away from me. I looked to Ike, seeing that he was looking at me different. I didn't know what to say. "I..." I begun, but Ike didn't wait to hear anything I had to say. He ran after his friend, while I fell into the arms of Teaspoon.

Thank you to both Kristina and Jenna for reading through this for me.