Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied

Chapter 10

The Debriefing room…

Shepard and Thane came in, seeing Jacob looking a bit more disgruntled than usual.

"Heard a lot of stories about you, Krios. Gotta say, I'm impressed… for an assassin."

"My arm is Shepard's. I am here to fight for him." Thane retorted.

"Yeah, right. Assassins are only as loyal as their next paycheck."

Shepard scratched his head. "Which would be, unless you're like Thane and do it free of charge. Jacob, is this going to be a problem?"

Jacob shook his head. "No. The writers thought I needed more lines. Tell you the truth, nothing really develops from this at all."

The Commander chuckled. "Then what was this for? To give the shippers more maleslash?"

The room stood silent, only to realize Shepard's mistake.

"No! Wait! I didn't mean that!"

EDI chimed in. "513 results found under Thane/Jacob Romance…"

"Oi, me and my big mouth. Thane, let's get you settled in."

The Assassin nodded. "I would prefer someplace dry with low humidity."

"The Life Support section is somewhat more arid than the rest of the ship."

"Ah, an AI. My thanks." Thane said, leaving.

"He seems quite civil…" EDI said, before disappearing.

Shepard turned to Jacob. "Look, I know you may not like assassins, but we may need his help on this mission. Clear?"

The Black Officer sighed. "Might as well. Don't want to give the shippers any more fuel…"

"Jacob, one thing to learn. Shippers never stop, not for the canon, not for the main characters and not for us. Get used to it."

Jacob and Shepard left, while the Commander took the elevator down to get laid- Err… I mean, get acquainted with his new squadmate.

"Hey, Thane!"

"Shepard," The Drell said, staring at a window of the driver core. "Do you need something?"

"When I recruited you, you said you were sick. Mind if I ask why?"

"It's called Kepral's syndrome. The Drell homeworld is very arid and dry. Kahje, the homeworld of the Hanar is very wet and it rains everyday. Our lungs can't handle the moisture and eventually, we stop breathing altogether."

Shepard paused. "Wait… you live on a raining planet?"

"Yes?"

"Don't you think the Drell's condition and the fact that Kahje rains everyday might be connected somehow?"

Thane sighed. "We are grateful to the Hanar from saving us from our homeworld."

"Grateful's one thing, but living on a raining planet invites trouble. Alright, fine, so how long do you have?"

"The Doctors prescribe my condition to 8-12 months. When my body stops moving, it's most likely the disease has won.

Shepard scratched his head. "Is there no cure? Not even Medi-gel?"

"No, this is a terminal disease so that the writers don't have to include me into the next game. However, I should be fine for the mission. Thank you for coming by. It was… entertaining to exchange words."

"Umm… you too?" Shepard said, leaving.

He, then, quickly went towards Miranda's office, but not before spraying some cheap cologne on himself and coming his hair into a neat style.

"Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too, loo loo loo, we've got some apples let's get together and lulu-"

"Commander," Miranda said, seductively.

"Oh, hey there! You need something?"

"Come into my quarters for a bit we need to discuss some… personal matters."

"Yippee Kai Yay!" Shepard shouted, leaping into Miranda's room.

"I just wanted to say…" Shepard nodded, saliva forming in his mouth and his belt slowly coming off.

"How Cerberus isn't as evil as you might expect-"

At this point, the Commander snapped out of his stupor and readjusted his belt.

"Oh. Umm… I strongly disagree."

Miranda sighed. "Our methods may seem harsh, but we're doing what's best for humanity."

"Look, Miranda. I trust you completely and all that jazz, but you have to realize that Cerberus is full of morally corrupt bastards who do sick experiments. Remember those experiments with the Thorian, the Husks and the Rachni?"

"We weren't experimenting on them; they were already crazy when we had them. They would've provided shock troops. Imagine how much better the battle on Eden Prime would've gone if we'd deployed our troops there."

Shepard looked away, only to imagine various Alliance soldiers being eaten, vomited on or otherwise shocked by Miranda's suggestion.

"Umm, you may want to rephrase that better. And I'm pretty sure Jack just loves Cerberus ideals."

"Wasn't us."

"Of course it wasn't…" Shepard sighed. "So, why do you trust Cerberus so much?"

Miranda walked over to her view of space. "Because I'm still envious of the time Mordin spent with the STG. This, all of this, was my father's sick creation."

Shepard sighed. "I thought we already resolved all the daddy issues in this game…"

"What was that?"

"Miranda, you do realize you do have free will and that dictates you are in charge of your own destiny."

"Am I? Look at you, having only basic military training and you manage to make a name for yourself. I know what you did on Lost Sumor."

"Everyone knows what I did on Lost Sumor. The point is you should feel happy about yourself, given how you lead your life, not your father."

Miranda looked up. "Oh! I hadn't thought of that. Well, I guess this gives you time to admire my body, doesn't it?"

Shepard stood at attention. "Yes, ma'am!"

"Would you… like to investigate more?"

"Yes, indeedy!" Shepard smiled, his unmentionables slowly growing more excited with each phrase.

"Then, you'll have to do another planet."

Shepard's mood suddenly disappeared, only to have a string of profanities follow him.

"Dammit! Why'd you do that to me?" He cried.

"I'm a professional, Commander. Business before pleasure."

Shepard grumbled, leaving his cockpit, only to run into Jack.

"Oh, hey there! How come you're not in your little pit, fuming about the world?" Shepard asked.

"Because I'm pissed the fuck off at Cerberus!"

"Oh, business as usual, then?"

Jack writhed. "Shepard, I found the place where those bastards were experimenting on me! Pragia. I wanna go there and deploy a big, fucking bomb and blow it the fuck up!"

"Can it wait? I need to get more people onboard."

"What the hell?" Jack screamed. "You do the cheerleader first and then me? What's the deal?"

Shepard then gazed around, ensuring no NPC's were listening in. "Jack, listen! At any moment, the Illusive Man will call in and give me a mission that I can't skip or prepare for! I need to make sure you-know-who doesn't call me to see him."

"You mean Chamb-" Jack found herself cut off when Shepard covered her mouth.

"Shh! Don't jinx it! I'll get to your mission as soon as possible."

"Fine. Also," Jack then proceeded to put Shepard in a full Nelson. "Touch me again without my say, and I'll break your fucking arm!"

Shepard gasped. "Will do!"

The Planet Aeia…

Using the Cerberus taxi service, the trio consisting of Shepard, Jacob and Miranda touched down on the planet's surface. There, they met with the planet's beautiful tropic setting while seagulls passed by slowly. The sunset must been an exact copy of the one on Illium since it didn't move an inch.

"Huh, not a bad place to crash land…" Shepard commented.

"Good thing you found the shipwreck using the scanner." Jacob said.

"Don't remind me…" Shepard groaned. "Hey, look!"

The trio then found a massive cruiseliner, overgrown with moss and various other fungi found on Sargent Gardner's feet. It was in pieces with only a lone VI guarding it.

"Welcome to the Hugo Gurnsback Singles Cruiseline, the galaxy's #1 choice for smooth sailings; I'm your personal VI, sending a distress signal to anyone out there!"

"Huh, they really pushed that whole singles resort angle, didn't they?" Shepard asked.

"Ever since Captain Harris Fairchild went out of commission, we've been having a blast here with our new Captain, Ronald Taylor! Alert, this terminal has been inactive for a barely noticeable 8 years, 11 months. Uh oh! Singles, be on the look out! Local floura and fauna are prone to cause brain damage!"

"Wait, my father was only 1st Officer…" Jacob said.

"Ever since our cool Captain Harris Fairchild, died on impact, Ronald Taylor took over!"

"9 years?" Miranda said. "If this… thing is a distress beacon, then it sure took a while to call."

"There was a suspension in my protocol due to… having good times!"

"Umm…" Shepard asked. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but the food makes you… dumber?"

"Correctamundo! Heavy analysis shows that despite cleansing or preparation, food here is most likely to cause, sing it with me: cognitive damage, memory lost, absent mindedness, loss of inability to do basic math and others! Enjoy our complimentary cocktails instead!"

"Let's get out of here; that VI is annoying the crap out of me!" Shepard said.

"Remember, Singles: Hugo Gurnsback tours are not liable for any trauma you may or may not experience during your cruise. Stay safe and have a great time!"

"Let's check the ship out first," Jacob said. "My father must've survived without eating the toxic food for 10 years."

"That's highly illogical, Mr. Taylor…" Miranda stated.

The trio ventured into the crashed ship, only to find several recordings and PDA's that for some reason or another, were still connected to their respective bank accounts.

"You'd think someone had enough sense to close it after hearing their client died in a shipwreck…" Shepard commented.

"Commander, come hear this!" Jacob said, over at the other side.

"I… can't remember anything! Her name? What was her name? Losing myself… slowly…"

"I know things have been hectic since our captain died, but you can't just assume the chain of command… this isn't the military and we're not playing that game anymore!"

"Singles! This is your new captain, Ronald Taylor, speaking. And I'm here to tell you, I'm assuming direct control… of this party ship!"

The transmission closes, as the trio looked at each other.

"Obviously, my father is the victim in all this."

"Oh, naturally!"

"Of course!"

The crew went outside, only to find a rather haggard looking woman (with a professional hair stylist), greet the party.

"Welcome to… the island! I'm… host, Betty…"

"I think we have confirmation on that brain damage." Miranda scoffed.

"You, here… to rescue us? Please, I-we've been working here for so long… Wages are terrible."

Just then, Shepard spotted several gunmen aiming at the women with fantastic hair. Shepard used his Paragon Interrupt to save the woman.

"Shove!" He cried, pushing the woman out of harm's way.

"Kill them; agents of the liar!" The trio promptly found themselves in a firefight until they quickly put down the rebellion. Shepard popped out and signaled the others to follow him.

"That wasn't brain damage; that was male testosterone." Miranda stated. "They were feral."

"Is this what happened to my father?" Jacob asked. "Either turned into a mindless slave or a raging beast like those football fans? No, we have to keep looking."

The trio continued up the hill, killing whatever unfortunate sap was in their way. Luckily, since the team was equipped with the state-of-the-art weaponry and shielding, as opposed to their opponents equipped with nothing but Hawaiian shirts and Grass skirts, and various other resort wear, Shepard blew through the hostiles rather quickly. Fortunately, the crew came across a settlement filled with various amounts of estrogen- Err… women.

"You!" One of the women said. "You have his face! You fight his machines, but you have his face!"

Shepard paused for a moment. "You know, taken out of context, that could be considered quite offensive."

"Eh, I've gotten used to it. Ever since George Lucas released the new trilogy during the dark ages, its set me and a bunch of others back about a millennia."

"These settlers seem to be quite… tame." Miranda said. "There's quite an obvious gender difference."

Jacob shrugged. "How insecure do you have to be to surround yourself with mindless female servants?"

For a moment, the two Cerberus Operatives sighed and turned to their illustrious leader.

"So, I said 'Are too' to confuse him and make him completely doubt the Reaper. Then, he shot himself!" Shepard chuckled, in front of the resort management. They clapped out of sheer ignorance.

"If you liked that story, wait until you hear about how I picked the new Councilor for the Alliance!"

"Commander, we really should find my father…" Jacob said.

"Aw, what's the rush?" Shepard said.

"Get back to work, Slackers!" The LOL mechs said. "Downtime comes out of your paycheck!"

"Oh, snap!" Shepard cried, taking cover behind chest high crates and returning fire. Luckily, the mechs were as about as useful as ever, meaning they went down rather quickly.

"You!" A nearby woman said. "You fight his machines but you have his face!"

"That's still really messed up…" Shepard said.

"Here! Letters… too small for standard definition. Please, help us!" The woman said, handing Jacob a dossier.

"Jacob, what does it say?" Shepard asked.

"It says that my father and 5 officers had to impose order on the ship. Remember that annoying VI at the beginning of the level? That was the distress beacon. They had to make the crew eat the food to build the distress beacon. But, it was done 8 years ago."

"Well, to be fair, I wouldn't have gone near that distress beacon myself." Shepard shrugged.

"Neither would I, but look at this! Deaths of the other officers, exiling male crew members, women being assigned as pets. My father did all this! He played Swiss Family Robinson while the rest of the crew were his slaves! I can't believe what I had previously conceived my father to be a victim when he was the puppeteer all along!"

"That's called plot complication, kids!" Shepard said, turning to the camera.

"I'm so full of… obscure rage that I can't take it anymore! We have to find our father and take matters into our own hands!"

The crew went forward, deleting whatever obstacles in their way before coming across a pile of corpses.

"Obviously," Shepard said, "The old bodies were used as a warning sign for territory while the newer bodies were put on top."

"Umm… Commander," Jacob said. "You may want to look more closely…"

Shepard looked, only to find the bodies were laid in a sexual position instead.

"Great. He gets a threesome."

"Oh, lay off it, already!" Miranda groaned.

"Thank goodness you're here!" A voice in the overspeaker said. "My mechs went a little out of control. You'll have to get through to them and the natives that held me hostage."

"I can't believe this!" Jacob yelled. "He not only uses crewmembers, but covers his ass the moment someone's here to rescue him! That bastard!"

"Jacob…" Shepard said, trying to ward off the incoming mechs.

"Using people, playing God, underpaying his workers, this thing isn't my father!"

"Can we please complain after we've gotten out of a firefight?" Shepard screamed. The trio blew their way through the remaining mechs and angry savages. However, the Commander and his crew were more than able to handle the mechs without any sort of strain.

"You guys have no idea how hard it's been living here! I mean… All this time and no cable or extranet access? You can't imagine the inconvenience."

"Oh, that does it! When I get my hands on him, I'm hauling his ass and tossing it out an airlock!"

"Jacob seems really upset…" Miranda said.

"Yeah, but look at it this way. That last threat was so bland and cliché that he might be getting his obscurity back. We're almost near the end of the level. C'mon."

The crew blasted through most of the opponents. However, the final area was truly a challenge: several enemies along with a YUMY mech on stand-by. Surely enough, this would require tactical finesse.

"Okay, guys. Whatever you do, don't hide behind that destructible chest-high wall."

"Hide behind the chest-high wall?" Jacob said. "You got it!"

"No, I said don't hide behind the- who am I kidding, the AI here is a joke."

And so, Shepard was faced with the daunting task of taking care of the mechs alone, because his squadmates were far too simple to realize hiding behind a cardboard box was about as good as hiding behind nothing. So, Shepard, using his spectacular common sense, managed to beat all of the opponents by himself. Thank goodness for player character intelligence.

"Enough with the toys!" Jacob said. "It's time to find out what the hell my father's been up to!"

The crew came across a rather scenic view with an office set up and several ladies waiting on stand-by. The only person there who wasn't rabid or tame behind belief was a man in red dressings, putting down his tropical drink.

"Thank goodness you've arrived! You have no idea what happened to me these past few years! I was put up as some sort of god, they imprisioned me here and no cable! You can't imagine the pain!"

Jacob cringed at the man. "What about your crew, acting captain?"

"Total loss. They were… sacrificed ritually to… satisfy the tastes of these cannibals. Did I mention they were cannibals?"

Jacob shook his head. "That's the best lie you could come up with?"

"Umm… who's your surly looking friend here?" Ronald asked.

"Taylor! Lieutenant Jacob Taylor!"

A silence filled the space, as all parties waited Ronald's response.

"That's nice. Now, can you get me out of here? I wanna get into some fresh clothes?"

Shepard slapped his forehead. "Don't you see somewhat a resemblance between him and you?"

"I don't follow…"

"He's your son! Your only son!"

Ronald bellowed. "Hahaha! That's a good one! I almost believed that! My 'only' son, that's a- Wait… maybe, no- he's a twin. He had a sister. Maybe, no, he wasn't a soldier. Oh, wait! Jacob? Oh, yeah! Jacob! It's been too-"

"Convenient? Tell that to the crew you've brain damaged!"

Ronald sighed. "Look, I know what I done was… wrong, but I had to do it! You didn't know what it was like after the crash! There was panic, chaos even! The A/C was down, the drinks were spilled and the Captain didn't tell us what was the mystery prize! So we took order, forced the crew to eat the toxic food. Then, things settled down, became calm. We realized the resort we wanted all along was here! I mean, granted, you had the whole 'toxic food' thing, but dining for 1 could last you a long time."

"You're a monster!" Jacob cried. "Using your crew to play out a male fantasy! I'd never have done that!"

Shepard turned to his companion. "Now, Jacob, let's be truthful here."

"Oh, alright! I might be tempted to do it, but it still doesn't justify what you did here!"

"Shepard," Miranda whispered. "Those vandals look like they're approaching fast."

"Hold them off; I've got a plan."

"Listen, I know what I did was… wrong. But I want to make up for it! Please, you have to get me out of here! You don't know what they're capable of! They'll nag me to no end about bigger wages!"

"Why shouldn't they?" Jacob cried, aiming a gun at his father. "We should just leave you here!"

"Now, now, let's be reasonable." Shepard said. "He can spend the rest of his days in an Alliance Cell."

"What? But, Commander! This- monster did terrible things to his crew!"

"Jacob, think about it. He's going away for a long time."

"Umm…" Jacob said, scratching his head.

"Where they separate the men and the women."

"Still don't get it."

Shepard sighed. "Where the men there haven't seen a women in so long, they'll do anything to get their fix."

Jacob's eyes lit up, realizing what the Commander was suggesting.

"Yeah! That seems like a fitting punishment."

"Wait, wait!" Ronald said. "Now, let's not be too hasty here! I'm sure we could work something out! Prison seems a bit extreme, doesn't it?"

Jacob shook his head. "I don't know you. You've become somebody else!"

"Jason, please!"

"It's Jacob!"

Back on the Enterprise, Err…The Normandy…

"Commander…" Joker said through the intercom. "The Alliance convoy has just arrived and picked up the last of the survivors."

"Good job, Joker!" Shepard said. "You are permitted to be cocky for 2 minutes."

"Alright, then! Cabbage Patch, what, what?"

Shepard shook his head, going into the debriefing room, only to find Jacob already deep in conversation with the Illusive Man.

"What do you mean it wasn't you?" Jacob sternly said.

"Jacob," The Illusive Man said. "If I was going to release information about your father, I would've charged a sizable fee in order to get it. Information doesn't come cheap, you know."

"Are you just saying that to confirm what a total jerk you are?" Shepard asked.

"You know little about me, Shepard." The Illusive Man said, taking a drag. "Don't presume to judge my methods of being a 'jerk'."

"Then who sent the file?" Jacob asked.

"I did." Miranda said, popping out from behind. Shepard and Jacob stared at her quite viciously.

"It was bothering the both of us." Miranda stated. "You needed to clear your head for the mission and I, well I just frankly wanted to forget that terrible iPhone App. When your obscurity powers faded, I used it as an opportunity to send you those files."

"Miranda," The Illusive Man said, "We'll discuss your liberal interpretation of 'classified' later. For now, we'll end transmission."

For a moment, Miranda looked at Jacob with an almost remorseful look and then left without saying a word.

"Jacob, you okay?"

"It's all bull, Shepard! My father left and forgot about me for 10 years, and before that, Miranda sends me some files to help her forget. Seems like all everyone ever does is want to forget me…"

Shepard smiled. "Hey! Jacob, no matter what the fandom may think about you, you're a-ok in my book!"

Jacob smiled. "Thank you, Commander. That does me more credit that you know."

"And look at it this way! Ronald might get a hot date with a Krogan in prison!"

"4 sets of Testicles and all." Jacob smiled.

(A/N: Will Jacob be ready for the mission at hand? Will Miranda continue to tease Shepard sexually? How many cigarettes does it take to buy a prison bitch in an Alliance facility? Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next exciting installment of "Mass Effect 2: the Sequel that Needed to be Parodied"!)

A/N 2: Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!