Well, I figured it was time for yet another chapter of this insanity.. But
I STILL don't have any clue how to eventually wrap this thing up.. -_-' And
I promise not to let this chapter be too short.At least, I'm going to TRY,
considering my hectic schedule this semester.... ^_^ But I don't know
about expecting anymore 11-page chapters.... (how long IS this thing???)
ANYHOW.on to CHAPTER TEN!
"Now With New And Improved Lemon Scented Marshmallows"
~ * ~
**twitch**
**twitch twitch**
"Zim, I'm hoping to God right now that eating coffee grounds doesn't make that thing EXPLODE.."
"Er..."
"What, it DOES????"
"OF COURSE NOT!! Eh.that is...I don't really KNOW, actually..."
"Oh, of course. I mean, if you actually KNEW these things, that would make our lives FAR too EASY..."
"SHUT UP, DIB-WORM!"
Dib just rolled his eyes and shook his head. "He's green with antennas, and he calls ME the worm.."
Zim growled at the human child, then turned his attention back to his robotic companion. "GIR...?"
**twitch twitch**
"Tsk tsk, Parrot. that dance went out a long time ago! You should try the "Time Warp" instead." Membrane commented, curiously watching his little robotic buddy twitching on the lawn.
Zim directed an annoyed glance at the Professor, then carefully approached his twitching SIR. The Irken scooped up the skittish robot, and carried him over to the front porch of the house. The rest of the group quickly followed behind.
Dib crossed his arms as Zim set the little robot on the bottom step of the porch. "Well, NOW what???"
"I DON'T KNOW! I suppose all we can do is wait." Zim stood silently and simply watched his minion.
"What, we just wait around here for something to happen?? Oh yeah, Zim, now THAT sounds productive.." Dib scowled and rested a closed fist on his hip.
"And just what do YOU suggest, oh putrid one?"
"Well, while YOU can sit around and babysit that robot of yours, someone can go get some more COFFEE.."
GIR suddenly snapped to attention. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" He screeched, holding his head. The little SIR then proceeded to go completely fucko bazoo.
"JESUS, ZIM! What the HELL is WRONG with that thing???" Dib started to back away slowly as the robot kept screeching like a banshee and flipping around all over the place.
"I thought maybe YOU could explain that, STINK beast!! It's YOU HUMANS' infernal..COFFEE.that's done this!!!"
"Sure. Blame the coffee." Gaz commented dryly, seeming rather apathetic to the situation.
Zim was about to respond to the human girl's sarcastic remark, but suddenly, GIR inexplicably stopped screeching and collapsed onto the ground. The other four beings on the lawn just stared at the little fallen SIR for a moment, completely dumbfounded.
"Aw. Parrot go nap nap." Membrane cocked his head and eyed his little robotic buddy curiously.
"MAN.. That thing sure is BIPOLAR.."
Zim glared at the human boy. "Keep your Eskimo talk to yourself, human STINK!"
"Uhh..what?"
"Hey, look! He's getting up!!!" Gaz pointed at the robot. GIR was slowly starting to sit up from his position on the grass.
Dib cautiously jumped back, and Zim eyed his SIR unit suspiciously, waiting for the robot to start flipping out again.
"......................................" The little robot said nothing for a moment, but just looked slightly apathetically at his master and the human children. After a very long, tense moment of silence, the little minion finally opened his metal mouth to speak... "Would you mind not staring like that? It makes me rather uncomfortable...." The little SIR spoke in complete deadpan.
"What the foosh.?" Dib cocked an eyebrow.
"He's..."
"You know, I really don't think standing there and gawking, for whatever reason you are, is going to aid our situation any..." GIR stood up, brushing small fragments of mud and debris from his chrome posterior.
"He's....COHERENT!!" Gaz finished, eyes wide at the strange scene before her.
"NOT POSSIBLE! He's..FINE! He's just... um..." Zim fumbled for an excuse for his SIR's behavior.
"Heh... obviously, you don't even realize that coherency is a GOOD thing...." Dib smirked, folding his arms.
"Huh. never thought I'd see THAT.." Gaz continued watching the little robot prissily dusting himself off, now with a rather amused look on her face.
"What ARE you all going on about? I think we have much more important things to discuss here at this time, wouldn't you agree?" GIR crossed his metallic arms and regarded the three with an uncharacteristically serious look.
While the two human siblings stood rather dumbfounded, Zim's mind was already busily going over the possible good that could come from this situation... "Hmm.... In this state, he's more like an average SIR unit... only without the overly obsessive compliance... In this frame of mind, he would make just the perfect minion to assist me in the annihilation of this filthy little ball of dirt..."
"WHAT was that, ZIM??" Dib inquired, eyeing the little Irken suspiciously.
Shit. He'd said that out loud... "Oh, nothing... nothing at all....." Zim grinned widely, though unable to mask the inherently malicious overtone to his smile.
Dib glared at the alien. "Yeah, RIGHT....."
Meanwhile, Membrane had been watching his friend's behavior with much curiousity. He slowly approached his little buddy and tapped him on his big metallic head. "Parrot? Are you in there??"
"Er... I'm sorry, but if you don't mind, that isn't the proper name to address me by." GIR spoke in an eerie monotone, like a certain gameshow host that also does eyedrop commercials.
Membrane's eyes started to water behind his thick goggles. "PARROT! WHAT HAPPENED TO YA?? YOU USED TO BE MAH BRUDDAH!!" The Professor fell to his knees and raised a fist towards the heavens. "WHYYYYY??? WHY MY PARROT??? WHYYYYYYY????"
"Excuse me, but I would think someone of your mental calibre, at least judging by your uniform, would be able to easily distinguish that I am in fact a standard issue information-gathering android, and not an earthly exotic bird of the Psitacidae family...." The SIR sounded like a monotonous narrarator from a Discovery Channel documentary...
Membrane's lip quivered under the tall collar of his lab coat, and he suddenly started bawling. "NOOOOOO! PARROT!!!! WHY HAVE YOU BROKEN OUR FRIENDSHIP LIKE THIS?? YOU JUST DON'T LARVE ME ANYMORE!!" With that, the Professor ran back into the house crying like a spoiled child who wasn't allowed dessert.
"Hmm... I now see that it is obvious that this man needs help in returning him back to his former state of lucidity... But how exactly do we go about it...? This is quite a quandry...." GIR rested his little robot head in one metal claw and pondered the situation.
"Oh, now this is all just TOO weird...." Dib pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering to himself.
"It's like some kind of freaky role-reversal... How DISNEY....." Gaz just shook her head, and followed her beleaguered father into the house.
Zim was still grinning wickedly and plotting to himself, oblivious to the others around him. Dib glared at the alien momentarily, then stomped up behind him and smacked him upside the back of the head. "KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF! NO CONCOCTING EVIL SCHEMES ON MY LAWN!" And with that, the young paranormalist stalked into the house after his sibling and parental figure.
GIR turned to his master, gave a brief salute, and then spoke in a rather commanding tone. "Sir...if it is alright with you, I believe the right thing to do here would be to remedy this situation to return things back to their normal state, therefore reducing any unforseen threats to our mission, Sir!" The robot clicked his heels (or where his heels would be if he had any discernable ones) and marched in a rather odd goose-step into the house after the three humans.
"Hmm...." Zim thought out loud to himself. "While the unhinged state of their parental unit WOULD keep the Dib-human and his filthy little sibling occupied enough to keep them away from MY business, I suppose it would still be better to return things to their natural order... after all, I can't have that repugnant scientist-human meddling in my affairs with his stupid.......STUPIDNESS....." With one last final "Hmph!", the Irken joined the rest of the group in the Membrane house.
~ * ~
Inside, Membrane was sitting on the couch moping while his daughter tried her best, in her own sardonic way, to console him.
"C'mon, Dad, it's okay! You had to become sane eventually! Otherwise, if you didn't go to work, we wouldn't have the money to get anything to EAT anymore...."
"Eat?? With FOOD?" Membrane sniffled. "ME AND PARROT USED TO DO THAT!!" The Professor started bawling again, and Gaz just sighed and shook her head.
"Sheesh... I can't believe he's taking this so badly...." Gaz patted her father on the back, then got up and walked to where Dib was standing with GIR in the kitchen doorway. "Well, what do YOU two suggest?"
"As your sibling here has informed me, this behavior in your father was brought on by lack of caffeine, mainly from this substance you humans call 'coffee'. Therefore, the only logical course of action would be to get enough caffeine circulating back into his system to return him to his formitive state." The little SIR rationalized.
"Uh....... what he said...." Dib added, looking a little flustered at the robot's now-superior reasoning capabilities.
Gaz smirked to herself for a brief moment, then focused back on the subject at hand. "Well, somebody better run and go get coffee again..."
"I guess that means me...." Dib sighed, glancing at the SIR unit standing next to him. "But this time, I'll go ALONE..."
GIR merely nodded, gave a brief salute, and retreated into the kitchen, where he took a seat at the kitchen table to await further orders. Gaz and Dib stared after him, then turned back to each other.
"I'm having a hard time trying to decide whether he was better BEFORE, or AFTER he ate that can of coffee...." Dib commented with a slight curl in his lip.
"Even if he was a pain in the ass, at least before he was ENTERTAINING..." Gaz added dryly, "Now he just acts like a cross between Jeff Goldblum, Joe Friday, and a NAZI..."
Dib almost chuckled at his sister's comment, though you would never have been able to tell even if he did. Extreme fatigue had nearly diminished his ability to make any facial expressions besides the obvious irritability.
"Well, I'd better get going..." Dib turned to leave and nearly ran into Zim, who was just entering the domicile.
"And where are YOU going, HUMAN??"
"I'm going out to get some more COFFEE, so we can END this whole thing, you IDIOT... Now get out of my way!" Dib roughly shoved Zim aside as he made his way out the front door, thoughtlessly slamming it behind him.
"Hmph! Who spat in HIS boots today...??" Zim responded curtly to the boy's less-than-polite exit as he brushed himself off.
"Considering the HELL we've been through in the past day or so, I think he has every right to be pissed.... Especially considering that we could have ended this EARLIER if your ROBOT hadn't EATEN the other can of COFFEE....." Gaz gave the Irken a brief death glare before retreating to the kitchen in the hopes of finding something small to snack on.
Zim just gave a small "Hmph!" and turned up his non-existant nose before glancing over at the worried scientist. Membrane sat on the couch, no longer bawling, but hurt and worry still evident in his slouching posture and the nervous tapping of his foot. Zim couldn't understand for the life of him why these silly humans wasted so much time worrying about each other when they COULD be using that time to better THEMSELVES. But then again, his race wasn't exactly one built on compassion... The only reason he could see in this situation for returning the scientist back to his normal state was a monetary one... But then again, he couldn't understand why children on earth weren't automatically put in the work force as soon as they were born. "Such a backwards society... Really quite innefficient...", Zim thought briefly to himself. Not wanting to put anymore thought into such trivial matters, Zim simply plopped himself into the comfortable easy chair across from the sofa. He had no need for thinking just yet. As soon as the humans were done with their silly little matters, he could then move on to the BIGGER task at hand....the conquering and anihilation of the human race! But for now, the Irken soldier felt he deserved a little rest...
~ * ~
In the kitchen, GIR had remained static in his position at the table: Unmoving... unyeilding........just plain CREEPY. Gaz sat across from the robot munching on a Rice Krispy bar, not taking her low-lidded eyes off the SIR unit for even a second. Why she was staring at him like this, she could not tell. Maybe it was just idle curiousity in seeing how long the robot could sit like that without moving... Or perhaps it was the lingering paranoia that, if left unwatched, the little minion could cause even MORE untold damage. Whatever the reason, the little girl continued her silent vigil: the only noise the occasional crunch of teeth on puffed and lightly sweetened rice held together with gooey marshmellow.
Keeping his gaze forward, the SIR suddenly spoke up. "I really do not understand what it is with you humans and 'staring'. It's rather RUDE, don't you think??"
Gaz blinked, eyes widening for a moment, and crunched down on the piece of Rice Krispy bar in her mouth. "Sorry... I just wanted to see how long you were gonna sit still like that...." Gaz turned her chair a little so it wasn't facing the robot, and continued eating.
"Is your race in so much of a constant hurry that something as simple as sitting in one place is such a novelty to you?"
Gaz cocked an eyebrow at the little SIR. "It's more like the fact that it's such a novelty to YOU..." The voilet-haired girl took another bite of her Rice Krispy bar.
"I don't understand your logic...."
Gaz regarded the robot curiously. "You mean you don't remember at all how you had been acting before we found you out on the lawn??"
"Hmm... My memories seem to be strangely vague at the moment..."
Gaz smirked inwardly to herself. "Well, let's just say that getting you to sit still for more than 10 seconds would probably have required handcuffs and duct tape...."
"Hmm... intriguing... I must consult my master about this, if you don't mind..." And with that, GIR hopped down from the table and headed toward the living room. Gaz simply raised an eyebrow at this, and continued enjoying her snack.
GIR marched into the living room where his master was settled comfortably in the recliner with the footrest up, and his legs laid out across it. The Professor seemed to have worn himself out with grief, and lay napping on the couch across from him. The little SIR walked up to the chair where his master was relaxing comfortably, and cleared his metallic throat to draw attention to his presence.
Zim lazily opened one eye and looked down at his metallic minion. "GIR? What is it now??" The Irken asked, slightly annoyed.
"Sir!" GIR saluted. "I have a little matter to discuss with you concerning my standard protocol of behavior." GIR clicked his non-existant heels. "It has been brought to my attention that my current behavior is not in line with my original mode of function. I just wanted to check with you to ask about any adjustments that should be made in my behavioral standards in order for me to operate at optimum efficiency." The SIR unit nodded once in finality to his superior.
"Eh??" Zim almost didn't understand the robot's complicated gibberish in his relaxed state. "Oh, er... no no, no adjustments need to be made. You're operating just fine, GIR. Now, go away... and let me get some well- deserved rest!" Zim made little "shoo shoo" motions with his gloved hand, and went back into his resting position. GIR simply took what his master said as the gospel truth, and started on his way back into the kitchen. Before exiting the living room, the SIR glanced over at the sleeping Professor. There was something about this particular human that felt like it was supposed to be IMPORTANT.... However, he couldn't place just what it was, no matter how hard he tried. Oh well... if it was important, it was sure to come to him eventually. After all, he WAS an ADVANCED model of a SIR unit... that much he knew to be true......And it WAS true... wasn't it? GIR simply shook his head and continued into the kitchen, taking his same place back at the kitchen table, where Gaz was now busy occupying herself with her GameSlave.
"Welcome back..." Gaz commented rather apathetically as she was already absorbed in her gameplay.
GIR simply nodded, and continued to sit motionless across from her, as before. Gaz just rolled her eyes: unaware that while the robot's body remained motionless, the mind was working at unimaginable speeds. What was it about that other human that was of so much importance? And why couldn't he remember anything about his previous behavior? This more than puzzled the SIR until he inexorably broke his streak of immobility and frowned to himself in consternation.
"What's with YOU?" Gaz queried, not looking up from her GameSlave.
For a moment, the robot wondered how the human child had noticed the change in his expression, but quickly shrugged it off. Some of these humans managed to be impressively cognizant of their surroundings... "I just don't understand....Why is it that my memory cannot recall my past behaviors or experiences? It is as though I was only created just earlier today, and yet I know this is not the truth!"
Gaz just shrugged. "Maybe that coffee you ate fried your system...."
"Coffee? I imbibed such a horribly unhealthy substance??"
"Well, it was more like you ATE it...it was just coffee grounds when you swallowed it..."
"I see.... Though I still don't understand how that would have such a profound effect on my system... Also, what is it about that other human in that room that somehow seems of importance?" GIR cocked his head curiously at the human girl, and for a moment, the posture almost made him seem like he was back to his old self again...
"You really DON'T remember anything, DO you? You two were practically best buddies... "bosom companions"...... You don't remember any of that AT ALL?"
GIR shook his head slowly. "No... I don't remember anything at all before awakening out on the lawn..."
Gaz put her hand to her forehead. Boy, was THIS going to make things difficult....
~ * ~
Meanwhile, Membrane awoke from his nap on the living room couch. Zim was peacefully slumbering in the recliner across from him. The Professor sat up, a little groggily at first, and tried to adjust his eyes. When the blurriness faded, he recognized the familiar surroundings of his own home, and then remembered the situation. His parrot friend had suddenly become cold and unfriendly... Membrane frowned behind the collar of his lab coat, wondering what had happened to his little compadre to make him change so dramatically. But then he had remembered what had happened just before then... When they had been sitting out on the lawn, his friend had grabbed the can of coffee from inside, and had swallowed the entire contents of the can in almost one single gulp. The COFFEE! It MUST have been that! It wasn't until after he ate the coffee that he started acting so strangely! "Hmmm....." Membrane rested his head in his hand. In order to make his parrot friend happy and friendly again, he would have to reverse te affects of the coffee. But, how does one go about doing such a thing? Give him the OPPOSITE of coffee? But what would THAT be...??
It was then that the Professor's mind finally started to click into place, though not entirely of course. "Coffee has caffeine... caffeine makes most people hyper, because it's a stimulant...." Membrane thought out loud to himself. "So, the opposite of a stimulant would be.... a depressant! When your pooch has too much pep, try 'Doggy Downers'!" The scientist froze for a moment, and tilted his head to the side. ".............Doggy?" Membrane shook his head. "No! Must... think! Must use brain..... for sake of..... PARROT! ..... AHA!! Caffeine is a stimulant.......so what's a depressant?? Hmm......... depressant......." The Professor desperately attempted to search through the catalogue in his brain to find the info he wanted... though the prolongued lack of caffeine in his system was certainly hindering his progress... The scientist looked over at the sleeping alien...
Membrane picked up a small pillow and chucked it at the Irken soldier, hitting him square in the face. Zim awoke with a start. "WAH.... WHAT WAS THAT FOR, HUMAN?!?!?" Zim yelled, holding up and shaking the pillow with one gloved hand.
"Caffeine is a stimulant, so to reverse the effects of caffeine, you need a DEPRESSANT, RIGHT?" Membrane queried.
"Er... Yeah.... so??"
"Well, what's a good depressant that could reverse the effects of caffeine?"
"Er... I don't know! This isn't MY planet!!" Zim grumbled loudly, then turned his back to the scientist and settled back down in the chair.
"Well! You are certainly no help, giant green not-prickly cactus thing!" Membrane huffed. Zim simply flipped him the bird in response. "FINE then! I'll think of it MYSELF!" The Professor sat cross-legged on the couch and tried as hard as he could to come up with a solution to his problem.
"To combat a stimulant, you need a DEPRESSANT...... deeeeeepressant.......dePRESSant....... depressANT......DEpressANT....." Membrane grumbled to himself. "Well, this isn't working like I thought it would......." It was obvious that the scientist's addled brain wasn't about to let him find anything easily in such a non-caffeinated state... "Let's see... caffeine is in a lot of things you DRINK.... is there something you DRINK that's a depressant??" It was then that it finally struck him... He remembered from watching TV earlier that morning that the little cartoon people on the TV said that drugs and alcohol were bad... and that alcohol was a DEPRESSANT!
"OF COURSE! ALCOHOL! But.... where am I gonna get alcohol...?" The Professor wondered out loud to himself. "Is alcohol food??" Membrane tilted his head to the side, thinking. "Nooooooo......................but sometimes alcohol goes IN food!!" The scientist suddenly stood up, having been stuck with genuine insight for the first time in the past day and a half. "I KNOW WHERE IS ALCOHOL!! ALCOHOL IN AUNT RHODA'S SKETTI SAUCE!!!"
Membrane quickly made a mad dash towards the kitchen. "MUST GET ALCOHOL FOR PARROT!!!!!!!!!"
~ * ~
Well, that's the end of THAT chapter... Will the alcohol make GIR "insane" again? Is there enough alcohol in Aunt Rhoda's sketti sauce to accomplish this? If so, does that make Aunt Rhoda a lush, or just badly in need of measuring cups? And what's taking Dib so long with that coffee? Did he get mugged by a Columbian man on a mule? And why doesn't GIR remember anything? And if Membrane's brain is finally starting to work, does that mean he won't even NEED the coffee anymore in time? Find out the answers to these and other thrilling questions in the NEXT chapter - whatever the heck I happen to call it!
"Now With New And Improved Lemon Scented Marshmallows"
~ * ~
**twitch**
**twitch twitch**
"Zim, I'm hoping to God right now that eating coffee grounds doesn't make that thing EXPLODE.."
"Er..."
"What, it DOES????"
"OF COURSE NOT!! Eh.that is...I don't really KNOW, actually..."
"Oh, of course. I mean, if you actually KNEW these things, that would make our lives FAR too EASY..."
"SHUT UP, DIB-WORM!"
Dib just rolled his eyes and shook his head. "He's green with antennas, and he calls ME the worm.."
Zim growled at the human child, then turned his attention back to his robotic companion. "GIR...?"
**twitch twitch**
"Tsk tsk, Parrot. that dance went out a long time ago! You should try the "Time Warp" instead." Membrane commented, curiously watching his little robotic buddy twitching on the lawn.
Zim directed an annoyed glance at the Professor, then carefully approached his twitching SIR. The Irken scooped up the skittish robot, and carried him over to the front porch of the house. The rest of the group quickly followed behind.
Dib crossed his arms as Zim set the little robot on the bottom step of the porch. "Well, NOW what???"
"I DON'T KNOW! I suppose all we can do is wait." Zim stood silently and simply watched his minion.
"What, we just wait around here for something to happen?? Oh yeah, Zim, now THAT sounds productive.." Dib scowled and rested a closed fist on his hip.
"And just what do YOU suggest, oh putrid one?"
"Well, while YOU can sit around and babysit that robot of yours, someone can go get some more COFFEE.."
GIR suddenly snapped to attention. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" He screeched, holding his head. The little SIR then proceeded to go completely fucko bazoo.
"JESUS, ZIM! What the HELL is WRONG with that thing???" Dib started to back away slowly as the robot kept screeching like a banshee and flipping around all over the place.
"I thought maybe YOU could explain that, STINK beast!! It's YOU HUMANS' infernal..COFFEE.that's done this!!!"
"Sure. Blame the coffee." Gaz commented dryly, seeming rather apathetic to the situation.
Zim was about to respond to the human girl's sarcastic remark, but suddenly, GIR inexplicably stopped screeching and collapsed onto the ground. The other four beings on the lawn just stared at the little fallen SIR for a moment, completely dumbfounded.
"Aw. Parrot go nap nap." Membrane cocked his head and eyed his little robotic buddy curiously.
"MAN.. That thing sure is BIPOLAR.."
Zim glared at the human boy. "Keep your Eskimo talk to yourself, human STINK!"
"Uhh..what?"
"Hey, look! He's getting up!!!" Gaz pointed at the robot. GIR was slowly starting to sit up from his position on the grass.
Dib cautiously jumped back, and Zim eyed his SIR unit suspiciously, waiting for the robot to start flipping out again.
"......................................" The little robot said nothing for a moment, but just looked slightly apathetically at his master and the human children. After a very long, tense moment of silence, the little minion finally opened his metal mouth to speak... "Would you mind not staring like that? It makes me rather uncomfortable...." The little SIR spoke in complete deadpan.
"What the foosh.?" Dib cocked an eyebrow.
"He's..."
"You know, I really don't think standing there and gawking, for whatever reason you are, is going to aid our situation any..." GIR stood up, brushing small fragments of mud and debris from his chrome posterior.
"He's....COHERENT!!" Gaz finished, eyes wide at the strange scene before her.
"NOT POSSIBLE! He's..FINE! He's just... um..." Zim fumbled for an excuse for his SIR's behavior.
"Heh... obviously, you don't even realize that coherency is a GOOD thing...." Dib smirked, folding his arms.
"Huh. never thought I'd see THAT.." Gaz continued watching the little robot prissily dusting himself off, now with a rather amused look on her face.
"What ARE you all going on about? I think we have much more important things to discuss here at this time, wouldn't you agree?" GIR crossed his metallic arms and regarded the three with an uncharacteristically serious look.
While the two human siblings stood rather dumbfounded, Zim's mind was already busily going over the possible good that could come from this situation... "Hmm.... In this state, he's more like an average SIR unit... only without the overly obsessive compliance... In this frame of mind, he would make just the perfect minion to assist me in the annihilation of this filthy little ball of dirt..."
"WHAT was that, ZIM??" Dib inquired, eyeing the little Irken suspiciously.
Shit. He'd said that out loud... "Oh, nothing... nothing at all....." Zim grinned widely, though unable to mask the inherently malicious overtone to his smile.
Dib glared at the alien. "Yeah, RIGHT....."
Meanwhile, Membrane had been watching his friend's behavior with much curiousity. He slowly approached his little buddy and tapped him on his big metallic head. "Parrot? Are you in there??"
"Er... I'm sorry, but if you don't mind, that isn't the proper name to address me by." GIR spoke in an eerie monotone, like a certain gameshow host that also does eyedrop commercials.
Membrane's eyes started to water behind his thick goggles. "PARROT! WHAT HAPPENED TO YA?? YOU USED TO BE MAH BRUDDAH!!" The Professor fell to his knees and raised a fist towards the heavens. "WHYYYYY??? WHY MY PARROT??? WHYYYYYYY????"
"Excuse me, but I would think someone of your mental calibre, at least judging by your uniform, would be able to easily distinguish that I am in fact a standard issue information-gathering android, and not an earthly exotic bird of the Psitacidae family...." The SIR sounded like a monotonous narrarator from a Discovery Channel documentary...
Membrane's lip quivered under the tall collar of his lab coat, and he suddenly started bawling. "NOOOOOO! PARROT!!!! WHY HAVE YOU BROKEN OUR FRIENDSHIP LIKE THIS?? YOU JUST DON'T LARVE ME ANYMORE!!" With that, the Professor ran back into the house crying like a spoiled child who wasn't allowed dessert.
"Hmm... I now see that it is obvious that this man needs help in returning him back to his former state of lucidity... But how exactly do we go about it...? This is quite a quandry...." GIR rested his little robot head in one metal claw and pondered the situation.
"Oh, now this is all just TOO weird...." Dib pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering to himself.
"It's like some kind of freaky role-reversal... How DISNEY....." Gaz just shook her head, and followed her beleaguered father into the house.
Zim was still grinning wickedly and plotting to himself, oblivious to the others around him. Dib glared at the alien momentarily, then stomped up behind him and smacked him upside the back of the head. "KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF! NO CONCOCTING EVIL SCHEMES ON MY LAWN!" And with that, the young paranormalist stalked into the house after his sibling and parental figure.
GIR turned to his master, gave a brief salute, and then spoke in a rather commanding tone. "Sir...if it is alright with you, I believe the right thing to do here would be to remedy this situation to return things back to their normal state, therefore reducing any unforseen threats to our mission, Sir!" The robot clicked his heels (or where his heels would be if he had any discernable ones) and marched in a rather odd goose-step into the house after the three humans.
"Hmm...." Zim thought out loud to himself. "While the unhinged state of their parental unit WOULD keep the Dib-human and his filthy little sibling occupied enough to keep them away from MY business, I suppose it would still be better to return things to their natural order... after all, I can't have that repugnant scientist-human meddling in my affairs with his stupid.......STUPIDNESS....." With one last final "Hmph!", the Irken joined the rest of the group in the Membrane house.
~ * ~
Inside, Membrane was sitting on the couch moping while his daughter tried her best, in her own sardonic way, to console him.
"C'mon, Dad, it's okay! You had to become sane eventually! Otherwise, if you didn't go to work, we wouldn't have the money to get anything to EAT anymore...."
"Eat?? With FOOD?" Membrane sniffled. "ME AND PARROT USED TO DO THAT!!" The Professor started bawling again, and Gaz just sighed and shook her head.
"Sheesh... I can't believe he's taking this so badly...." Gaz patted her father on the back, then got up and walked to where Dib was standing with GIR in the kitchen doorway. "Well, what do YOU two suggest?"
"As your sibling here has informed me, this behavior in your father was brought on by lack of caffeine, mainly from this substance you humans call 'coffee'. Therefore, the only logical course of action would be to get enough caffeine circulating back into his system to return him to his formitive state." The little SIR rationalized.
"Uh....... what he said...." Dib added, looking a little flustered at the robot's now-superior reasoning capabilities.
Gaz smirked to herself for a brief moment, then focused back on the subject at hand. "Well, somebody better run and go get coffee again..."
"I guess that means me...." Dib sighed, glancing at the SIR unit standing next to him. "But this time, I'll go ALONE..."
GIR merely nodded, gave a brief salute, and retreated into the kitchen, where he took a seat at the kitchen table to await further orders. Gaz and Dib stared after him, then turned back to each other.
"I'm having a hard time trying to decide whether he was better BEFORE, or AFTER he ate that can of coffee...." Dib commented with a slight curl in his lip.
"Even if he was a pain in the ass, at least before he was ENTERTAINING..." Gaz added dryly, "Now he just acts like a cross between Jeff Goldblum, Joe Friday, and a NAZI..."
Dib almost chuckled at his sister's comment, though you would never have been able to tell even if he did. Extreme fatigue had nearly diminished his ability to make any facial expressions besides the obvious irritability.
"Well, I'd better get going..." Dib turned to leave and nearly ran into Zim, who was just entering the domicile.
"And where are YOU going, HUMAN??"
"I'm going out to get some more COFFEE, so we can END this whole thing, you IDIOT... Now get out of my way!" Dib roughly shoved Zim aside as he made his way out the front door, thoughtlessly slamming it behind him.
"Hmph! Who spat in HIS boots today...??" Zim responded curtly to the boy's less-than-polite exit as he brushed himself off.
"Considering the HELL we've been through in the past day or so, I think he has every right to be pissed.... Especially considering that we could have ended this EARLIER if your ROBOT hadn't EATEN the other can of COFFEE....." Gaz gave the Irken a brief death glare before retreating to the kitchen in the hopes of finding something small to snack on.
Zim just gave a small "Hmph!" and turned up his non-existant nose before glancing over at the worried scientist. Membrane sat on the couch, no longer bawling, but hurt and worry still evident in his slouching posture and the nervous tapping of his foot. Zim couldn't understand for the life of him why these silly humans wasted so much time worrying about each other when they COULD be using that time to better THEMSELVES. But then again, his race wasn't exactly one built on compassion... The only reason he could see in this situation for returning the scientist back to his normal state was a monetary one... But then again, he couldn't understand why children on earth weren't automatically put in the work force as soon as they were born. "Such a backwards society... Really quite innefficient...", Zim thought briefly to himself. Not wanting to put anymore thought into such trivial matters, Zim simply plopped himself into the comfortable easy chair across from the sofa. He had no need for thinking just yet. As soon as the humans were done with their silly little matters, he could then move on to the BIGGER task at hand....the conquering and anihilation of the human race! But for now, the Irken soldier felt he deserved a little rest...
~ * ~
In the kitchen, GIR had remained static in his position at the table: Unmoving... unyeilding........just plain CREEPY. Gaz sat across from the robot munching on a Rice Krispy bar, not taking her low-lidded eyes off the SIR unit for even a second. Why she was staring at him like this, she could not tell. Maybe it was just idle curiousity in seeing how long the robot could sit like that without moving... Or perhaps it was the lingering paranoia that, if left unwatched, the little minion could cause even MORE untold damage. Whatever the reason, the little girl continued her silent vigil: the only noise the occasional crunch of teeth on puffed and lightly sweetened rice held together with gooey marshmellow.
Keeping his gaze forward, the SIR suddenly spoke up. "I really do not understand what it is with you humans and 'staring'. It's rather RUDE, don't you think??"
Gaz blinked, eyes widening for a moment, and crunched down on the piece of Rice Krispy bar in her mouth. "Sorry... I just wanted to see how long you were gonna sit still like that...." Gaz turned her chair a little so it wasn't facing the robot, and continued eating.
"Is your race in so much of a constant hurry that something as simple as sitting in one place is such a novelty to you?"
Gaz cocked an eyebrow at the little SIR. "It's more like the fact that it's such a novelty to YOU..." The voilet-haired girl took another bite of her Rice Krispy bar.
"I don't understand your logic...."
Gaz regarded the robot curiously. "You mean you don't remember at all how you had been acting before we found you out on the lawn??"
"Hmm... My memories seem to be strangely vague at the moment..."
Gaz smirked inwardly to herself. "Well, let's just say that getting you to sit still for more than 10 seconds would probably have required handcuffs and duct tape...."
"Hmm... intriguing... I must consult my master about this, if you don't mind..." And with that, GIR hopped down from the table and headed toward the living room. Gaz simply raised an eyebrow at this, and continued enjoying her snack.
GIR marched into the living room where his master was settled comfortably in the recliner with the footrest up, and his legs laid out across it. The Professor seemed to have worn himself out with grief, and lay napping on the couch across from him. The little SIR walked up to the chair where his master was relaxing comfortably, and cleared his metallic throat to draw attention to his presence.
Zim lazily opened one eye and looked down at his metallic minion. "GIR? What is it now??" The Irken asked, slightly annoyed.
"Sir!" GIR saluted. "I have a little matter to discuss with you concerning my standard protocol of behavior." GIR clicked his non-existant heels. "It has been brought to my attention that my current behavior is not in line with my original mode of function. I just wanted to check with you to ask about any adjustments that should be made in my behavioral standards in order for me to operate at optimum efficiency." The SIR unit nodded once in finality to his superior.
"Eh??" Zim almost didn't understand the robot's complicated gibberish in his relaxed state. "Oh, er... no no, no adjustments need to be made. You're operating just fine, GIR. Now, go away... and let me get some well- deserved rest!" Zim made little "shoo shoo" motions with his gloved hand, and went back into his resting position. GIR simply took what his master said as the gospel truth, and started on his way back into the kitchen. Before exiting the living room, the SIR glanced over at the sleeping Professor. There was something about this particular human that felt like it was supposed to be IMPORTANT.... However, he couldn't place just what it was, no matter how hard he tried. Oh well... if it was important, it was sure to come to him eventually. After all, he WAS an ADVANCED model of a SIR unit... that much he knew to be true......And it WAS true... wasn't it? GIR simply shook his head and continued into the kitchen, taking his same place back at the kitchen table, where Gaz was now busy occupying herself with her GameSlave.
"Welcome back..." Gaz commented rather apathetically as she was already absorbed in her gameplay.
GIR simply nodded, and continued to sit motionless across from her, as before. Gaz just rolled her eyes: unaware that while the robot's body remained motionless, the mind was working at unimaginable speeds. What was it about that other human that was of so much importance? And why couldn't he remember anything about his previous behavior? This more than puzzled the SIR until he inexorably broke his streak of immobility and frowned to himself in consternation.
"What's with YOU?" Gaz queried, not looking up from her GameSlave.
For a moment, the robot wondered how the human child had noticed the change in his expression, but quickly shrugged it off. Some of these humans managed to be impressively cognizant of their surroundings... "I just don't understand....Why is it that my memory cannot recall my past behaviors or experiences? It is as though I was only created just earlier today, and yet I know this is not the truth!"
Gaz just shrugged. "Maybe that coffee you ate fried your system...."
"Coffee? I imbibed such a horribly unhealthy substance??"
"Well, it was more like you ATE it...it was just coffee grounds when you swallowed it..."
"I see.... Though I still don't understand how that would have such a profound effect on my system... Also, what is it about that other human in that room that somehow seems of importance?" GIR cocked his head curiously at the human girl, and for a moment, the posture almost made him seem like he was back to his old self again...
"You really DON'T remember anything, DO you? You two were practically best buddies... "bosom companions"...... You don't remember any of that AT ALL?"
GIR shook his head slowly. "No... I don't remember anything at all before awakening out on the lawn..."
Gaz put her hand to her forehead. Boy, was THIS going to make things difficult....
~ * ~
Meanwhile, Membrane awoke from his nap on the living room couch. Zim was peacefully slumbering in the recliner across from him. The Professor sat up, a little groggily at first, and tried to adjust his eyes. When the blurriness faded, he recognized the familiar surroundings of his own home, and then remembered the situation. His parrot friend had suddenly become cold and unfriendly... Membrane frowned behind the collar of his lab coat, wondering what had happened to his little compadre to make him change so dramatically. But then he had remembered what had happened just before then... When they had been sitting out on the lawn, his friend had grabbed the can of coffee from inside, and had swallowed the entire contents of the can in almost one single gulp. The COFFEE! It MUST have been that! It wasn't until after he ate the coffee that he started acting so strangely! "Hmmm....." Membrane rested his head in his hand. In order to make his parrot friend happy and friendly again, he would have to reverse te affects of the coffee. But, how does one go about doing such a thing? Give him the OPPOSITE of coffee? But what would THAT be...??
It was then that the Professor's mind finally started to click into place, though not entirely of course. "Coffee has caffeine... caffeine makes most people hyper, because it's a stimulant...." Membrane thought out loud to himself. "So, the opposite of a stimulant would be.... a depressant! When your pooch has too much pep, try 'Doggy Downers'!" The scientist froze for a moment, and tilted his head to the side. ".............Doggy?" Membrane shook his head. "No! Must... think! Must use brain..... for sake of..... PARROT! ..... AHA!! Caffeine is a stimulant.......so what's a depressant?? Hmm......... depressant......." The Professor desperately attempted to search through the catalogue in his brain to find the info he wanted... though the prolongued lack of caffeine in his system was certainly hindering his progress... The scientist looked over at the sleeping alien...
Membrane picked up a small pillow and chucked it at the Irken soldier, hitting him square in the face. Zim awoke with a start. "WAH.... WHAT WAS THAT FOR, HUMAN?!?!?" Zim yelled, holding up and shaking the pillow with one gloved hand.
"Caffeine is a stimulant, so to reverse the effects of caffeine, you need a DEPRESSANT, RIGHT?" Membrane queried.
"Er... Yeah.... so??"
"Well, what's a good depressant that could reverse the effects of caffeine?"
"Er... I don't know! This isn't MY planet!!" Zim grumbled loudly, then turned his back to the scientist and settled back down in the chair.
"Well! You are certainly no help, giant green not-prickly cactus thing!" Membrane huffed. Zim simply flipped him the bird in response. "FINE then! I'll think of it MYSELF!" The Professor sat cross-legged on the couch and tried as hard as he could to come up with a solution to his problem.
"To combat a stimulant, you need a DEPRESSANT...... deeeeeepressant.......dePRESSant....... depressANT......DEpressANT....." Membrane grumbled to himself. "Well, this isn't working like I thought it would......." It was obvious that the scientist's addled brain wasn't about to let him find anything easily in such a non-caffeinated state... "Let's see... caffeine is in a lot of things you DRINK.... is there something you DRINK that's a depressant??" It was then that it finally struck him... He remembered from watching TV earlier that morning that the little cartoon people on the TV said that drugs and alcohol were bad... and that alcohol was a DEPRESSANT!
"OF COURSE! ALCOHOL! But.... where am I gonna get alcohol...?" The Professor wondered out loud to himself. "Is alcohol food??" Membrane tilted his head to the side, thinking. "Nooooooo......................but sometimes alcohol goes IN food!!" The scientist suddenly stood up, having been stuck with genuine insight for the first time in the past day and a half. "I KNOW WHERE IS ALCOHOL!! ALCOHOL IN AUNT RHODA'S SKETTI SAUCE!!!"
Membrane quickly made a mad dash towards the kitchen. "MUST GET ALCOHOL FOR PARROT!!!!!!!!!"
~ * ~
Well, that's the end of THAT chapter... Will the alcohol make GIR "insane" again? Is there enough alcohol in Aunt Rhoda's sketti sauce to accomplish this? If so, does that make Aunt Rhoda a lush, or just badly in need of measuring cups? And what's taking Dib so long with that coffee? Did he get mugged by a Columbian man on a mule? And why doesn't GIR remember anything? And if Membrane's brain is finally starting to work, does that mean he won't even NEED the coffee anymore in time? Find out the answers to these and other thrilling questions in the NEXT chapter - whatever the heck I happen to call it!