Kai Leng / Grunt – baking a cake
Kai Leng wished Shepard had killed him. He seethed as lights on the sound stage came up and the light on the camera bot in front of him came on. The galaxy was watching this. His friends could be watching this. He wished the Reapers had killed them all.
Kai smiled. If he could do one thing—one life-saving thing—he could deceive. I'm enjoying this. It's my pleasure to bring this to the galaxy. Kai's belly turned to charcoal as he imagined the words. Nothing could humiliate him more than this.
He smiled. "Good evening, Citadel. I'm Kai Leng."
Grunt, Shepard's pet krogan, put his hand on Kai's shoulder. "And I'm Grunt."
Kai smiled. That act hurt more than all four operations on his still-healing abdomen. They both said, "And welcome to If a Krogan Can Cook, So Can You!"
Grunt squeezed Kai's shoulder hard enough to paralyze his arm. Kai kept smiling. The krogan rumbled, deep bass, "We're here to show you how to bake one of Commander Shepard's favorite desserts."
"Death—" Kai's voice hit soprano. Grunt chuckled and eased up his grip on Kai. Kai cleared his throat. "Death by chocolate devil's food cake. We're going to make it from scratch right before your eyes, so you can too."
"So sit down and shut up. We'll be right back."
The studio audience applauded. The camera light went out. The director called clear. Kai couldn't take it any more. He said, "It's sit down and relax, you juvenile idiot."
Grunt shoved a sack of flour into Kai's chest hard enough to break the seams. Kai coughed. He wondered if his stitches broke. The krogan laughed, "Watch who you're calling 'idiot,' no-eyes, or I'll jam a spatula so far up your ass I'll turn off your implants like a light switch."
Grunt's laugh stuck in Kai's belly like Shepard's omni-blade. Kai seriously considered sticking his head in the omni-mixer and ending the night once and for all.