Story Ten

In which Ivan discovers Amelia's secret lab

Oh. Shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

This was bad. Bad, bad, bad.

There weren't many things on Earth that scared Russia. He was the one everyone was scared of. He was a terrifying symbol of power that fueled the nightmares of the weak.

But he did have a few fears. Belarus, for one. The world suddenly running out of vodka, for another. And England's cooking.

He was sure if England ever found out about just how terrified Russia was of his food, he would be able to weaponize it. Hell, England could probably take over the world if he so wished just by threatening to force people to eat his food.

Lithuania had helpfully informed Russia that England was attempting to cater the meeting and had forced poor New Zealand and Malaysia into downing a few bites of his putrid creation, and thus the two of them had ended up being rushed to the hospital. Everyone was running for their lives, including Russia.

The first place Russia attempted to hide was a storage closet, but when he opened it, he discovered that Prussia, Austria and Hungary were already in there, all of them bickering. He would almost rather face England's cooking than be stuck in a closet with Prussia, so he had quickly slammed the door shut and raced off elsewhere. The building was huge, there had to be a place to hide.

It was more difficult than he thought. He even had the displeasure of nearly locking himself in a room with Belarus, who had come out of nowhere to happily yell about being trapped in a room, alone, with him. He couldn't sprint out of that room fast enough.

Russia eventually found an empty, Belarus-free room and looked around in fear, the hair on the back of his neck raising as he heard what sounded distinctly like England's whistling coming toward him in the hall outside, following by the island nation mumbling, "Bugger, where's everyone wandered off to, then?"

Russia would not be found. He would not be a victim of England's killer food.

Ducking inside a closet, he sighed happily, taking a few steps back to find the back of the closet, but all that he ended up doing was finding a cold metal wall. He blinked and turned, leaning back so he could get a good look at it. The wall was just silver metal and there was a small red button right in the center.

"Hm. What does this button do?" Russia pressed it curiously and suddenly, the floor beneath him gave out. He fell and fell and fell and, at one point, a blinking blue sign to him to keep his arms and feet inside the vehicle at all times. He had no clue what that was all about until he landed in some kind of small rollercoaster and was jetted down a steel track. He was eventually flung from the car and landed in the middle of what appeared to be a laboratory that was decorated with Clint Eastwood posters and blinking machines.

Russia got over the surprise in a few minutes and shakily stood up, looking around. Somewhere he could hear Aerosmith blaring and someone else was singing along horribly. When he spied a giant poster of the Justice League on the wall he knew exactly who this room belonged to.

He followed the singing and, sure enough, ended up finding America. She was hunched over a large metal table and seemed to be welding something. A pair of goggles was pressed over her eyes and she was completely decked out in a lab coat. Standing beside her was Tony, watching quietly as she worked and occasionally handing her tools when she asked for them.

America suddenly jumped back as whatever she was working on whirred to life. Throwing her hands up triumphantly, America threw her head back and laughed, long and loud.

"Bwah-hah-hah-hah! It's aliiiiiive!" As America cheered, Tony walked over to an open laptop and played a sound effect of booming thunder and shone a flashlight a bit, as if going for a lightning effect. "Rise, my precious!"

Russia watched, mouth agape, as a giant robot got to it's feet. It was painted red, white and blue and regarded America and Tony.

"We did it, Tony!" America said, throwing an arm around her alien friend's shoulders. "It took me a whole two weeks, a personal worst, but I did it!"

Two weeks?! Russia nearly had to sit down. He felt ready to hyperventilate. With this sort of technology and weaponry, what was he supposed to do?! What was anyone supposed to do? They were all doomed!

But he had forgotten one little detail: it was America he was talking about. He should have known she wasn't going to use it for a weapon. The thought probably hadn't even crossed her mind… yet.

"This is the greatest nutcracker ever! It can crack five hundred walnuts at once! I'm naming it 'Liberty Bell'! No, wait, that implies it could break. Um… how about Schwarzkopf? Or, uh… hm… maybe something peanut-related? 'Nutjob'! 'Nutballs'! 'Peanut Brittle'!"

Russia grew bored with America and turned to find something useful. Perhaps he could steal something that was actually somewhat dangerous, or something that could be potentially dangerous. But everything she had down there seemed to be filled to the brim with crap like that oversized nutcracker she'd spent two weeks making. He found absolute nonsense—a pair of goggles that could track down Coke. A pair of shoes that automatically walked you to the nearest candy shop. A radar system specialized in tracking down any potato-related foods with the settings on 'Freedom Fries'. Briefly he was interested in some kind of teleportation device, but he realized quickly that it could only teleport bananas and quiche.

In fact, most of the things she created seemed to be food-related. Russia wasn't sure why he was so surprised, but he was. At least, momentarily. He finally just decided to leave and nearly barreled America over.

"The good news is we can get to work on that suit that attracts hotdogs now that the Master of Peanuts is complete," she was saying. "And I have the blueprints for the crackerjack synthesizer compl—hey!"

Russia froze. He couldn't believe he'd been caught. He was such a fool! What was she going to do to him?

"What are you doing down here?" America cocked her head to the side, looking a bit confused. "You kept your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, right? Because I am not liable for any injury sustained on the—"

"Um… da, I did." Russia began to wonder if he should make a break for it. Was she angry? He couldn't tell.

"Well, damn skippy, I'll give you the tour!" America flung an arm around his shoulders. "What brings you down here, anyway, big guy?"

Russia was still a little edgy, but he had to wonder if America would understand the need to flee England's food. And once he was done telling her, she sure as hell looked mortified.

"He's trying to what?" America hurried over to some oversized computer and brought up security cameras. She groaned as she watched the image of England wander around the building, looking for victims. "That's why this laboratory was created! My first invention was created after England brought those disgusting crumpets into that meeting in Versailles. I'm pretty sure my toilet still hasn't forgiven him for that, if you know what I mean. I've got this covered."

America then hurried through the lab, grabbed some kind of ray gun, and beckoned Russia into an elevator. The two of them were immediately catapulted up some kind of tube and landed—America on her feet, Russia on his ass—right in front of England.

"Amelia!" England said, a huge smile on his face. "Try some of my—oh. Oh, no, not that."

"Yes that." America leveled the gun and winked. "Say goodnight, Gracie!"

"No! Please, no!" England begged.

Russia watched, amused, as America shot a beam at the charred, oozing plate of who-knew-what. The entire thing was gone in one small explosion, leaving America looking triumphant, Russia looking both proud and relieved, and England looking devastated, as if she had just shot his unicorn. He kind of just stood there, shell-shocked, as he stared at the smoking remains of his slop.

"And once again the day is saved thanks to… America!" Amelia pumped a fist in the air.

"Da, how impressive." Russia eyed the ray gun, both fascinated and wary. "Tell me, does this only destroy England's food?"

"That and escargot."

Russia sighed. "Have you made anything that isn't food-related?"

America laughed. "Jeez, guy, what do you take me for?" Russia at first thought that she was implying that of course she worked on dangerous weapons down there until she added, "No way! Food is tip-top priority!"

Russia eyed her quietly. "You are a very strange person, lapushka."

Of course, Russia internally added that he liked her that way. Not that she ever had to know that.

Author Notes

'Sup? I like the idea of America being a mad scientist, but only when it's something food-related. I can just imagine someone like England walking in on her while she's in full evil-laugh mode and then she just scrambles to hide the fact that she made a pizza/fried chicken hybrid and acting all suspicious. Anyway, I made more pop culture references than normal, so...

-"What does this button do?" - A line often uttered by DeeDee from the show "Dexter's Laboratory". I would like to see Russia go all "DeeDee" on America's lab, pink tutu and everything.

-The roller-coaster - This is the same way to get to Yzma's lab in The Emperor's New Groove.

-Schwarzkopf - Nicknamed 'Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf', he was a famous United States general. His big claim to fame, besides his quick temper, his willingness to sacrifice himself over his subordinates and overall incredibly intimidating demeanor, was the fact that while he was Commander in Chief, he led all coalition forces in the Gulf War. I have a feeling America would have thought this guy was the coolest ever. He was pretty much a prime example of a manly man.

-'Freedom Fries' - I heard that some Americans started using 'Freedom' instead of 'French', just to kind of give France the middle finger. Most people I met just called them 'fries', and 'Freedom fries' was almost used jokingly.

-'Master of Peanuts' - This was supposed to be a play on 'Master of Puppets' by Metallica, one of my least favorite songs by them, but strangely one of their most popular. I'm more of a 'One' fan myself.

-"Say goodnight, Gracie!" - From the "George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" back in the fifties. Every episode ended with George Burns saying, "Say goodnight, Gracie!" It was also the name of the play that was written about Burns and was wildly popular on Broadway.

-"And once again the day is saved thanks to..." - A line that ended every episode of 'The Powerpuff Girls'. Bubbles is my favorite, but I like Mojo Jojo, too. Apparently when this show first came out, it garnered the most viewers across a huge spectrum in the network's history and for a while was pretty much THE cartoon to watch. I had friends in high school that legitimately still watched the show and threw a party for the tenth anniversary marathon. It was also big on "girl power" with the message that even if you like pink, girly things, that doesn't mean you're a wimp. I think that show was probably right up America's alley.

-Escargot - Escargot is nasty and wrong. You might as well a booger while you're at it. My boyfriend scoffed at my hatred for it and tried some once while we were out because, "It can't be THAT bad." He regretted not listening to me. He always does.

Hope you guys enjoy! I'm not even going to bother pointing out the 'Frankenstein' and 'Lord of the Rings' references because they're so obvious. It's way late here and I am going to go pass out. Hasta la pasta!