A/N *Writes two pages of half-assed, rushed crap* *oh shit now I'm away* *oh shit I'm back* *oh shit S7*

(shiro voice) nope not doing that *deletes chapter* *ends life after the trainwreck of S7*

I'm so sorry guys I've been on holiday and I wanted to post something ages ago for Lance's bday but I just didn't have enough time nor inspiration and I am still shooketh from all the S7 crap that happened I could rant forever, but I realise that we can only wait for S8 and hope they fix the horrible relationships… I've also been focusing on a more story-wise AU, so… This will probably fall behind.

And I know this is just a crappy one-shot thing but still! I want it to be at least 20 chapters before I finish it.

This episode did Lance wrong like do the writers want to be murdered by the Lance stans?! I'll also probably be taking a lot of these ideas from posts I saw online, so thanks to those amazing guys who give us the comedy the content can't (but also Shiro's dark sense of humour is canon now and I love it)

The Full Feud

AKA how the game show ep should've gone down: memes

The Paladins had found themselves in… a game show? Or was it a torture show? Questions alone could've been handled, if not for the opposing team…

The Lionesses.

In all their snarky goddamn glory.

Kuro was smirking for the first time ever whilst Red and Azul were genuinely supporting each other just so they could defeat their Paladins, Melyn and Verde visibly shaking with excitement.

Hunk went pale at the sight of their confidence (contrasted by the utter confusion and chaos of his side) and mumbled, "Oh. We are definitely going to die here."

The host floated up to Kuro (still devilishly smirking by the way, and it was making Hunk and Lance physically shrink I'm not even joking), "So, Kuro, how're the girls? It's been a few thousand years, hasn't it?"

"Over 10,000, Bob. Now, get onto the Warfles so I can murder these Paladins," she growled excitedly, her red and blue highlights starting to glow.

Melyn gulped, "Last time didn't she get Zarkon sent to the Snick?"

Azul grinned, reminiscing, "That was freaking awesome – but you know what was better? Alfor's embarrassing lifesnap collection!" And she fell over in hysterics.

Needless to say, the Paladins didn't get off to a good start (thanks to Keith's brilliant artist skills combined with Lance's god-level guessing skills) and when the timer buzzed Kuro practically roared "THAT'S HAGGAR THAT QUIZNAKING BITCH."

Silence ensued for a few seconds as Kuro's hair fell back down and she took a deep breath, even Bob edged away from the Lioness.

Bob continued, "Err, well, onto the next round! For the next round we'll need-"

He was cut off by Red who pounced on top of him, ordering the next round to be- "GUESS WHO! I WANNA DESCRIBE SOME IDIOTS!"

The host really wanted to say that he was the literal god of the universe, but thought that Guess Who might have more comedic effect, something well overdue in this time of terminal depression within the fandom.

He sighed, "Have it your way," and then snapped his fingers to place Red back with her team. "The Lionesses will go first, they will get a person to describe."

Lance gasped, "Oh, and then we get to ask questions, right?"

Bob changed his mouth into a zipper and closed it, "No, dummy. The Lionesses each choose one word to describe the person – I can see if any of them overlap. You then see the words and have three guesses as to who it's describing."

Allura gave a pointed look to Lance, "You better not screw this one up too,"

Again one of the only things Red and Azul could ever unite over: someone offending Lance. Bob had to zip their mouths too or the arena would've been filled with horrible hissing. He gave the Lionesses their first person, some looking excited as others gave Bob a glare (*cough* Kuro *cough*)

"This is far too easy; I am disappointed."

"We have to start somewhere," (also this first one is extra memeable)

The Lionesses had 10 seconds to scribble down a word – Azul had to change hers at the last minute as someone else had the same one – and then the Paladins could breathe again, the Lionesses proudly showing off their words:

Kuro's showed 'trouble', Azul's was 'knife', Verde's was 'scary', Melyn's presented 'grizzled' and Red proudly revealed hers as simply: 'gay'.

There was a moment of calm before the storm.

And then Keith slammed his hands on the counter, exclaiming, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

Bob simply asked the audience, "Areyoufuckingkiddingme? Who's that?" At which the audience laughed, only serving to redden the Black Paladin's face.

Lance scoffed, "That's obviously Keith."

Pidge couldn't contain her laughter anymore, "Pfffft, well duh you're the one who called him 'grizzled' and if that ain't the most bisexual disaster then I'm a fucking fish!" She then broke into uncontrollable laughter – until Bob turned her into a little glasses-wearing fishie and stuck her in a bowl.

Lance and Allura gasped, mourning the loss of their teammate, as Hunk simply cooed at the adorable fishie (for god's sake guys it had glasses I mean- *dies of cuteness*).

Keith sent his worst death glares toward Bob, who simply replied, "Your blush still hasn't disappeared, so you just look like a tsundere." At which the audience broke into an array of 'awwww's' (and Keith's blush deepened yet again, what to do with this poor boi)

Hunk added, "Hey, can you turn Keith into an angry little kitty like you made Pidge a fish?"

Allura was about to die surrounded by these idiots. She moaned, pulling her own hair out of her head, "Oh for the love of the Ancients, can we get on with this stupid game and save the universe already!"

Bob snapped his fingers again, returning Pidge to her original form as he applauded Allura's attitude. The Lionesses then got on with their next victim. ("It's still too easy," "Oh boohoo bitch get on with it,")

Kuro: Strong
Azul: Beautiful
Verde: Zombie
Melyn: Disaster
Red: Gay. ("You're just gonna write that every time, aren't you?" "As long as it's true, yep." *sighs*)

Keith yelled once more, "Why the hell are you bullying my family?! Can't you just leave me fucking be?!"

Bob was about to repeat his sarcastic question to the audience, but the Black Paladin cut him off, "FUCK YOU AND THOSE COUGARS, THEY DESCRIBED SHIRO."

Well, he was correct? He was also failing at the game's real purpose, though. Bob decided one last chance, this time harder.

Kuro: Demon
Azul: Awful
Verde: Teleport
Melyn: Okay?
Red: Sexy. ("What the quiznak." "Admit it Azul, he's hella fine." *rolls eyes*)

This one took the Paladins a little while longer, but through some team discussion they managed to come to a conclusion: if the Lionesses hated it, it must be either Galra or dog-related and Verde had said 'teleport' (Red had also said 'sexy' which also fit their guess but only Lance pointed that out, the damn closeted furry) – this left only one option.

Keith would've had another go at the Lionesses, but he refrained. He'd really been shouting for no reason, shouting and complaining didn't help anyone, and so he took a deep breath. "It's my wolf."

However, the buzzers sounded 'INCORRECT'-

-until the other four simultaneously yelled "KOSMO!"

Their leader groaned in defeat, "Alright fine, we'll call him Kosmo. With a K. That part is very important." At this the crowd cheered – although they didn't get to see anyone tortured, dogs can cure all ill will. Fact.

Bob then shooed everyone onto the next round where he would ask each Paladin a tailored question, the Lionesses able to steal their points if they fail at any point. Keep in mind each Paladin would only get one answer and they were banned from discussing it with the others.

"Forget ladies first, I say leaders first! So, Keith, finish this off: I say Vol and you say…?"

Lance practically slammed his head onto the counter: they were going to die. Lance had died once already and honestly? It was pretty shitty. Just… nothingness. He prayed to every deity he knew for Keith to do one thing right in his goddamn life-

"…Tron."

Sure, he'd made the weirdest contortions of his face whilst wracking his brain for that nearly four-year old memory, but he'd done it.

Pidge snapped her fingers, "Verde, play We Are the Champions."

Her Lioness coughed, "Uhhh, you only programmed me to be able to play Despacito and the Pi song?"

Hunk couldn't help but giggle, "The Pi song?! Oh my god that's adorable,"

Meanwhile Lance and Allura were in tears embracing everyone they could in a victory hug, especially each other. Keith may have gone on to complain once again about how stupid that stupid chant was, but no one cared. He had done it.

Bob wasted no time moving onto Lance's question, the real shit: "So, do you remember the Bonding Moment or not?

The hugs had ended and returned to deathly silence as Lance weighed his options. Admit and face Keith's imminent blade of vengeance (not to mention the constant harrowing from Pidge and the Lionesses), or lie and possibly risk death for his team – probably risk death for his team. Clearly, there was only one answer.

He sighed, barely mumbling out, "Alright, we had a… a… bndnmhmn…" Nine menacing glares pierced into his being at once, forcing Lance to recover his mumbles and blurt out at the speed of sound, "WE HAD A BONDING MOMENT, OKAY? BUT IT WAS SHIRO WHO CRADLED ME, YOU JUST HELD MY HAND!"

Keith simply shook his head, not even angry since he obviously knew Lance had been lying all along, but just… disappointed.

Bob whistled, "Ooh, I can practically taste the beef over here! Moving on… Pidge! Tell me, what happens when you hack into a Lion?"

Wait.

What.

Plenty of questions were swirling through the Paladins' minds, and quite rightly so, because messing with the most powerful weapon in the universe was no fucking joke. They got that Pidge was Plus Ultra curious about literally anything tech-related, but if it ain't broke don't fix it, girl.

The Green Paladin was left squirming uncomfortably, absolutely red and drowning in guilt. She moaned, "A hell of a mess, that's what happens…" She sighed. "That was the day the Lions didn't work and we had to fight the oncoming Galra with our Bayards… It also affected their mood swings and made them all act like they were having their period…"

The Paladins exclaimed all at once "SO ALL THAT WAS YOUR FAULT?!"

The Lionesses had done Pidge the courtesy of keeping this to themselves, providing she never did it again. Thankfully her friends were just shocked and not hostile in any response, so Bob proceeded to ask Allura her question.

"So Allura, can you tell me a 'Vine'?"

This was it.

The moment of truth.

The moment all would be tested in Allura's many phoebs of learning the culture of Earth.

Pidge prayed that by some psychic powers she could send all her expert knowledge in that area over to the princess, Lance doing the same – just with a much more scrunched-up expression. Hunk had his fingers crossed, praying that they would not die here – okay I'll stop with the death but S7 has given me a ton o' Death and Disappointment guys. Keith, however, was bracing himself to accept a fate where they died this very day. (I lied about stopping muahaha)

Thankfully, Allura did manage to remember one that made sense to her. "Um… 'Road work ahead'? Uh, yeah, I sure hope it does," and everyone could take a deep breath.

The Lionesses had nearly slept by this point, if you must know. "They're doing so well it's boring."

Azul huffed at Red, "Can you keep your inner sadist quiet for one day?"

Kuro growled, "Quiet, little one, the scary one is right."

Melyn snorted, "Kuro called Azul the little one."

Never mind their own conversation (that consisted of growling and hissing and just generally throwing shade), the last Paladin needed to answer his question – arguably the hardest of the lot.

"Hunk, if you had to choose one Paladin to die in order for the others to survive, which one would you sacrifice?"

Hunk, the sunshine, the best boy, the love of our lives, choosing a sacrifice? Downright conspiracy. He fumbled for his words, not being able to bring himself to think of a single Paladin they could survive without. In the end, his answer remained the same, and he believed it was the only possible one he could say with confidence.

"I can't. I can't sacrifice anyone, we're all important. Without even one of us, we wouldn't be able to cope. We all work together and survive as a team – I can't sacrifice any single person here, it'd be like destroying one of the Lions themselves."

Clearly the right answer, although it brought everyone (including the audience and Bob himself) to tears.

The game show ended with a reversed question directed at all of the Paladins: to choose one person to survive and escape. Naturally, they all chose a different person (to Kuro and Red's disappointment, the other three were overjoyed, Melyn screaming "KICK ME BABY")

Though they may have had a rough start, Bob did indeed deem them worthy.

The legendary defenders of the universe – and their troublesome Lions, of course.

A/N Wow I actually wrote something wholesome I'm proud. Is this slightly Klance? Lol idk I've been reading Klance theories bc Allurance and Acxeith would be horrible endgames tbh, they need to sort out their shit in S8. Like, at least make Allurance decent? Anyways, I think S8 will give more leeway for relationships and general talking, y'know since they're not in the middle of a war, amirite? Also let's not talk about queerbaiting bc yous all hyped Adashi y'selves, and KICK is still alive read the theories bitch (like not to be offensive I'm happy with any endgame as long as they write it well, we just gotta wait till November since that's probably when S8 will come out stay strong fans and don't start sendin death threats be chill) tbh the main thing that pissed me off was how Romelle was an angel in the first half (first half was overall amazing), but then completely forgotten about after ep 6?!

But also the whole weaponised Altean colony thing? I FRICKIN CALLED THAT AS SOON AS HAGGAR FOUND OUT AND THEN VANISHED, I BE LIKE 'yup she's gonna go recruit them all into her wizard army and/or just make them all into weapons' SO THERE

And can we have some Kinkade fanart y'all he's too hot it has to be illegal.

I also can't lie to myself anymore, Shiro wins. He is God. He is my favourite. He deserves the fucking universe.

That's it.