a/n This is the longest chapter yet! And it's new and improved, heaps of thanks to Erestor. Bitten by a cow, I hope this make up for the last one not being very funny.

The Council Needs Counseling

'Strangers from distant lands, friends of old; you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor.' Typical Elrond announcement, he always felt compelled to clarify things that were already clear. 'Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall.' Which is what happened at precisely that moment, as Frodo fell over. Nobody knew how it happened, for he'd been sitting down at the time. The good Elves of Rivendell, unaccustomed to Frodo's tendency to do that, rushed to his aid. Aragorn, who knew better, did nothing.

'Are you all right?' asked Lindir, concern wrinkling his brow. Frodo silently held up his hand: there was a small cut on his thumb. Lindir's face started to show relief, but as quickly as the change started, it reversed to horror as the hobbit's expression became one of utter misery. His huge blue eyes filled with tears, his chin quivered. Lindir wailed in alarm and all the Elves rushed off for hot water and bandages while Gandalf shook his head in disgust and Aragorn yawned.

A full twenty minutes later the Elves were satisfied that Frodo's life was not in imminent peril, and the Council resumed.

' Each race is bound to this fate; this one doom. Bring forth the Ring, Frodo.'

'Wait a second,' said Gandalf, 'don't you want to hear my story?'

'No. We already know enough thanks to a dramatic flashback,' said Elrond.

'Well what about me?' asked Gloin. ' Don't you want to know what's been happening in Laketown?'

Elrond frowned. 'No. Nobody here cares about you and your silly bunch of toymakers.' The Dwarves ground their teeth angrily.

' How about me? Shall I tell my story now?' asked Bilbo.

' Again, no. Everybody knows it already. Frodo, the Ring...?'

Somehow Frodo made it all the way to the little table, set down the Ring, and came back to his seat without falling over. Aragorn, who was holding a stopwatch on him, jumped up waving it. ' A record!' he shouted. 'Thirty-two point seven seconds on his feet!!'

Everybody except Gandalf and Bilbo looked blank. Elrond raised his eyebrows. 'Aragorn, this is hardly the time,' he began.

' But you do not realize-'

'Aragorn-'

' I have traveled with Frodo all the long way from Bree! The longest he remained on his feet during the entire journey was twenty-eight point three seconds!'

Frodo glared at Aragorn. Elrond's eyebrows raised even higher. 'Really?'

'Yes!'

'Oh.'

'OH?! All you can say is oh?!'

'What do you want me to say?' said Elrond.

' Summon a scribe! This must be recorded!'

'Okay, okay! Whatever!'

The scribe was called, the record-making time was written down, and the Council resumed, for the third time in thirty minutes. Boromir stood up. ' Give me leave, Master Elrond, to first say more of-'

'No.'

'What?'

'That's not what you're supposed to say.'

'What do you mean? Of course it is!'

'No it's not. We're going by movie-verse because book-verse takes too long. You aren't supposed to tell us about Gondor, you're supposed to start right out being the bad guy and try to touch the Ring so we can yell at you.'

' Suppose I don't bloody want to?'

'Then you will suffer,' Elrond said. A black cat walked across the floor. A black cat walked across the floor.

'That's wierd,' said Gimli.

'Don't do it Elrond,' said Boromir. The council-goers suddenly found themselves surrounded by a brick wall. 'Oh blast.'

'This isn't good, man,' Legolas observed.

Frodo fell over again, but this time nobody noticed. Gandalf jumped to his feet and began chanting in Black Speech. The brick walls disappeared as Elrond smiled happily. That trick never failed to get him what he wanted. 'Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here in Imladris,' he said sternly.

' I do not ask your pardon, Master Elrond, for the Black Speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the West! The Ring is altogether evil!'

Boromir rolled his eyes. ' Since you seem to want to get this over with as fast as possible, how about if I try and take the Ring right now and Frodo can head off for Mordor by himself right now, and that would take out about two hours worth of movie?'

'Boromir...' growled Elrond.

'Whatever.ItisagiftttothefoesofMordorwhynotusethisRinglonghasmyfathertheStewardofGondorkept theforcesofMordoratbaybythebloodofourpeopleareyourlandskeptsafegiveGondortheweaponofthe Enemyletususeitagainsthim,' monotoned the frustrated Gondorian.

'You cannot wield it. None of us can!' Aragorn said.

'Have you tried?'

'No.'

'Then how do you know that?'

'Because Frodo tried.'

'Ah. An excellent point.'

'I wasn't trying to wield it!' Frodo said. 'I was tricked into putting it on so the Wraiths could see to stab me! There's a difference!'

'ENOUGH!!' said Elrond. 'Boromir, will you please say your lines as they're supposed to be said?'

Said Gondorian sighed. 'Where were we?'

'You alliterated!' said Figwit.

'So what?'

'I thought I was the only being on Arda who cared for alliteration!'

'Elrond...' begged poor Boromir.

Elrond glared at the Elf. 'Figwit, now is not the time for that.' Figwit slumped in his seat. Elrond continued. 'Boromir, you are to say "And what would a Ranger know of this matter" and you should say it condesendingly.'

'And what would a Ranger know of this matter?' Boromir said.

Legolas jumped to his feet on cue. 'He is...This is no.. Oh darn, let me try that again.' He sat down for a moment, then shot to his feet again. 'This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn. Son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.'

Frodo fell off his chair. 'Frodo,' said Boromir, slightly worried.

'No, no NO!' Elrond said. 'You're not supposed to say Frodo, you're supposed to say Aragorn!!'

'But Frodo fell off his chair,' said Boromir. 'I was worried. I was trying to ask him if he was all right!'

'Oh, you needn't trouble yourself over the hobbit, he never takes harm from his falls,' said Aragorn lightly.

'Oh.' Boromir thought about that. 'He does this often?'

'You have no idea,' Bilbo groaned.

'Hey, when do my lines come in? It seems to me there is a discrimination here against we Dwarves,' said Gimli.

'No, it's just that nobody has any idea what's going on here,' Gandalf said.

'And may I remind you just who's fault that is?' said Elrond.

'It's not mine,' said Gandalf.

'Or mine,' added Bilbo.

'It's certainly not mine! I'm too cute to cause trouble...' said Frodo.

Boromir looked up from a script. 'Gimli, your lines are coming up soon. Look.'

Gimli looked. 'Hmm.'

Just when it looked like things were going to get back on track, Frodo had to spoil it. 'Wait a second, we still haven't established who's fault the delay is!'

'The fault does not lie with the Dwarves!' Gimli said.

'I had not heard it was the fault of the Elves!' said Legolas.

'That leaves only one choice,' said Elrond. 'The fault lies with...Hold on, this is WAY off topic. Who's line was it...? Boromir, it was yours. So if you please...'

'But I want to know who's fault it is!' whined Frodo.

Elrond glared. 'Tough.'

'Aragorn...' said Boromir.

'What?'

'I was saying my lines you dolt! They go like this: Aragorn... this... is Isildur's Heir!'

'And Heir to the Throne of Gondor.' Legolas was disgustingly fast on the uptake. 'You owe him your allegiance.'

Silence. Everyone looked at Aragorn, who was picking his teeth with a fingernail. He apparently noticed the silence, because he looked up. 'What!?'

'It's your line, dude,' said Legolas.

'Oh, uh... That's right, scum! Down on your knees!'

Everyone looked incredulous. Boromir ran a hand through his hair. 'You moron! What have you been smoking?'

'Well if it isn't the pot calling the kettle black,' Aragorn said. 'You've bungled every single one of your lines!'

'You bungled my last one! I had it right and you messed me up!'

A black cat walked past. A black cat walked past. Everyone fell silent. 'Now that I have your attention... Aragorn, will you please say your lines as they are written on your script?' said Elrond.

'But-'

'NOW!!! '

Aragorn did an impressive rendition of an exasperated teenager. ' Like, whatever... Havo dad, Legolas.'

Everybody stared. 'Now what?' yelped Aragorn. 'I said the line properly, did I not?'

Figwit whispered 'You said... like, whatever... you never talk like that.'

'Legolas is a corrupting influence on me,' said Aragon haughtily.

Elrond rolled his eyes. 'There'll be no finger-pointing on this Council!'

'It's a little late for that,' muttered Boromir. Fortunately, Elrond was too busy consulting his copy of the script to hear him.

' You have only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed.'

'Then what are we wating for,' said Gimli, who was very pleased his line had come at last. As he strode over to the table with his axe, he failed to notice the back cat that appeared twice. Boromir started to say something, but wasn't fast enough. Just as Gimli raised his axe to strike the Ring, It turned into a dragon. Gimli jumped backward. 'AHH!'

The dragon changed back into a Ring. 'What was that?' Gimli said.

'Me,' said Elrond. 'If you hit that thing, you'd ruin your axe, and likely need a chiropractor for yourself. So I stopped you from hitting it.'

Gimli sat down, still a bit shaken. After all, his family has never had much luck when it came to dragons.

'The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess,' said Elrond pityingly. 'It must be taken deep into to Mordor and cast back into the firey chasm from whence it came!'

'Cool,' said Legolas.

'No, it is most definately not cool,' Elrond said. ' It is a volcano, and thus, it is hot. And would you stop interrupting? Now where was I...? Oh yes. One of you must do this.'

'Must do what?' asked Frodo.

'Haven't you been listening!?' poor Elrond nearly shrieked. ' Take the Ring to be destroyed, of course!'

'One does not simply walk into Mordor,' said Boromir, trying to get this over with as quickly as possible. 'There is-'

'You mean there's a charter bus?' said Frodo. Gimli and Gloin exchanged glances. How dumb could that hobbit get? Boromir ran his hand through his hair again in frustration. ' NO! There is no transportation to or from Mordor!'

'Well if you can't walk, and there isn't a bus, how do you get there?'

' It was a figure of speech! If you had kept quiet and listened, you would have known what I meant! Listen! One does not simply walk into Mordor! It's Black Gates are guarded by more than just orcs: there is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland riddled with fire and ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume! Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly! 'There! Now do you get it?'

Frodo blinked. 'Oh.'

Legolas stood up again. 'Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!'

'I didn't disagree with him!' Frodo wailed.

'Idiot! I was saying my lines, not talking to you!' Legolas was frustrated.

'I'm not an idiot!'

'And I suppose you think you're the one to do it!' said Gimli.

'Do what?' Frodo was still wailing.

'And if we fail what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?!' Boromir yelled.

'I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf! No one trusts an Elf!' said Gimli.

'Well Sauron is actually a Maiar, not an Elf,' said Galdor.

'I was talking about Legolas, you ninny!'

'Care for some tea?' asked Glorfindel.

'What??' Everybody stared at him.

'I had to say something, I haven't gotten to talk at all yet, and that was the first thing that came to mind!' the Elf defended himself.

'Glorfindel!' groaned Elrond. 'You ruined it! Everything was going just right! Now nobody's arguing and Gandalf can't yell at Boromir! And we can't have the dramatic climax where Frodo agrees to take the Ring to Mordor! What are we going to do now?'

' Since you're determined that I'm the bad guy (again!) I could offer to take the Ring,' said Boromir.

'NO!! You keep away from it! It's my task! Mine! My own!' Frodo yelled.

'Wrong movie, Frodo,' said Bilbo.

Frodo fell over. 'Are you sure?' he asked as he picked himself up.

'Absolutely.'

'Oh.' Frodo looked at the floor. ' Then... Give me the Ring Sam?'

'Still the wrong movie.'

' I will take it?'

'Yes! Now you've got it!'

Frodo stood up. 'I will take it.'

'You can't!' moaned Elrond.

'Why not?'

'Because the pace and drama have been ruined! It's hopeless! We have to start again!'

Everybody looked at everbody else in horror. 'We have to start the whole Council over again?' asked Boromir.

'Yes.'

'No we don't,' said Gimli. 'If you'd read the book you'd have noticed that Frodo's announcement didn't interrupt anything other than silence. So we can all be quiet and start from there! Simple.'

'But,' said Elrond.

'Quiet! Everybody! Go ahead, Frodo.' Gimli took charge, temporarily.

'Go where?'

Gimli sighed an exasperated sigh. 'I meant say your lines.'

'Oh. Okay then. I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though... I do not know the way.'

'Easy,' Boromir said. 'Just head East until you smell fire and death, and you can't miss.'

'Boromir...' Elrond said.

'Sorry.'

'Your line, Gandalf,' said Bilbo.

'I will help you bear this burden, as long as it is yours to bear.' the wizard said obediantly.

Everyone waited. Nothing. They all looked at Aragorn. Now he was trimming his thumbnail with his dagger. He looked up. 'It's my line, isn't it.'

'Yes,' said everyone at once.

'Wow. Ummm... If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword.' The Ranger sat back in his chair complacently.

Elrond looked pointedly at him and jerked his head toward Frodo. Aragorn looked blank. Elrond looked from Aragorn to Frodo and back again. 'I don't understand,' Aragorn said.

'Ugghh,' said Elrond, 'You're supposed to go stand behind Frodo to show that you're commited to protecting him!'

'I'm commited to protecting him?' asked Aragorn stupidly.

Elrond dropped his head into his hands in despair. ' Yes,' the poor exasperated Elf groaned, 'you are. You just pledged to die protecting him, if necessary.'

'I did?'

'That's what the line meant.' Elrond's voice was muffled by his hands.

'If I'd known that I wouldn't have said it.' Aragorn looked disturbed.

'Well you said it so get your sorry rear end over there!' Elrond suddenly lost patience with his foster son.

Aragorn cowered. 'All right, all right!' He trotted obediently over to stand behind the hobbit.

'And my bow,' said Legolas.

'And my axe,' added Gimli.

'I like that!' Bilbo said. 'Getting Frodo to carry your things!'

Boromir grinned evilly. 'You carry the gear of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the Council, then you can add mine to the sum.'

Frodo looked desperate.

'Boromir...!' said Elrond.

'It was Bilbo's idea!'

'I said no finger-pointing on this Council!' Elrond snapped.

'Tea?'

'GLORFINDEL!!' yelled most everybody, except for Frodo, who was getting back in his chair after falling out again.

'Well nobody answered me the first time!'

'Just shut up,' Galdor told him.

'How come everybody but me can talk?' Glorfindel protested.

'Because everybody else is saying something relevant to the conversation.'

'Hah! Yeah right! You should see a transcript of this Council!'

'There isn't one.'

'That's what you think!'

'How can there be a transcript of this Council when the Council isn't even over yet?'

'SILENCE!! ' Elrond's lungs were getting a good work-out today. 'We're almost done here, and I want nothing to further hinder the completion of this SORRY EXCUSE of a meeting! So everyone, unless you have a part in the script, I don't want another peep out of you! Understood?!?'

Complete silence.

'Good. Now, where's Sam?'

Nothing happened.

'CUE SAM!!' Boromir said.

'Huh?' A blond head popped up behind a bush.

'It's your line now,' said Boromir.

'Really? I must've lost track... Sorry.'

'Not surprising, considering the mess this's been,' said Bilbo. ' Well, go ahead Sam, we're waiting,' he added, as Sam continued to stand in one spot. 'Sam? Hello? Arda to Sam?'

Sam was staring at the other side of the terrace in shock. Bilbo's gaze followed his. His jaw dropped. 'What in Arda...' he whispered. Two men in dark suits and sunglasses were crouched behind the stone columns. 'Elrond!' Boromir yelled, making everyone jump.

'What are those?' asked Bilbo.

Elrond looked. 'Those are Agents Brown and Jones.'

'Well what are they doing there? According to the script Merry and Pippin were supposed to be there!'

'It's unnatural...' muttered Sam.

'It is Merry and Pippin,' Elrond said.

Frodo fell over, but no one cared.

'I thought you just said it was Agents Brown and Jones? Whoever those are,' said Bilbo.

'You haven't seen the Matrix, have you,' Boromir said.

'No. I obviously missed something.'

'Yes, you did. Elrond, make them change back!'

' I can't.'

'You mean you won't.'

'Something like that,' the Elf smirked.

'You mean we're stuck with those two...Agents all the way to Mordor?'

'Probably.'

'Elrond, you evil...!' Boromir was running his hand through his hair again. Elrond merely smiled. ' I thought you wanted to get this meeting over as soon as possible! So change them back, and let's get this over with!'

'I'm glad somebody is taking this seriously!' said Elrond. 'That's what I wanted to know.'

The Agents disappeared, leaving two confused hobbits in their place. 'What was that?' Pippin asked. Merry only shook his head helplessly.

Frodo fell over.

'Get over here!' yelled Elrond. 'Stand with him.' The Elf pointed to Frodo. The hobbits, who knew what was good for them, obeyed. Elrond silently counted, looking from the script to the nine people standing in front of him and back again. 'So be it,' he said happily. 'You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.'

'Well I didn't actually agree to go,' said Boromir. ' What I said was that Frodo could carry my stuff.' His evil grin was back.

'You big oaf!' yelled Elrond.

'Just kidding.'

'Well don't!'

Boromir just grinned.

'Okay, Council's over! I'm sick of this! We've got nine Walkers, we're done, goodby, all out who's getting out!' Elrond was still yelling.

'Getting out of what?' asked Frodo. 'The Fellowship? Are we playing Survivor and voting people out now? 'Cause I don't really like Boromir...'

'NO!! No voting!'

'Aww...' the hobbit moaned.

'And no moaning!'

'But I'm so cute...'

Elrond was getting a headache. 'You won't be cute for long if you don't shut up.'

'Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli and Boromir will protect me,' said Frodo.

'That's what you think,' said Elrond. Only then did Frodo notice that the aforementioned 'protectors' had moved away from him.

'Hey guys,' Frodo whined, 'You swore to protect me!'

'From anything of Sauron's making, yes,' said Legolas. 'If you make Lord Elrond mad and he beats you up, no.'

The hobbit pouted. 'Well that's just cheating.'

'And you're being annoying,' Gimli said.

'No I'm not! I'm precious!'

Everyone quickly moved several steps away from Frodo.

'No, I didn't mean-' he started to protest, but a bell rang just then.

'Supper!' There was a mighty roar as everyone, hobbits, Elves, Dwarves and men all ran for the dining hall, anxious to get out of the Council. All except for Elrond, who went for Extra-Srength Tylenol for his headache.