Thanks for reading! This chapter has Nick and Jess confronting some new obstacles in their relationship. Don't worry, I haven't forgot about Schmidt and Winston, I just don't feel l do their characters enough justice when I write. Winston comes back with some of his stellar advice in the next few chapters though. Enjoy!
It had been 3 weeks since Jess had started back at her new job, and Nick had become increasingly distant. School had just let out for the summer, but Jess decided to teach her adult creative writing class for one more semester over the summer. Her schedule was allowing them the have more time together, but she was still really looking forward to having her new teaching job in the fall. She was enjoying all of it so much in fact, that she had trouble containing her excitement over all the new ideas she had for her classes. Despite her happiness though, Jess started to notice Nick getting frustrated with her whenever she wanted to discuss something at work. She tried not to let it bother her, and sometimes she felt like she was imagining things, but it was really starting to make her angry. These were the things she should be able to share with him. She was the most happy and content that she had been in a long time, and she was getting increasingly agitated that she somehow needed to tone down her happiness.
One night when they were alone in the loft getting ready to watch a movie, she had finally had enough. Jess took a deep breath and turned to her right toward Nick on the couch. "Nick, can I ask you something without starting a fight?"
Nick looked a little confused. "Um, ok?"
"I need to know what's going on with you lately. This job means a lot to me, and I can't even talk to you about it anymore. What's going on?"
Nick nervously ran his hands through his hair, not looking at her. "What do you mean?"
Jess pulled her knees up on the couch to face him. "I mean, you try and change the subject every time I talk about school. It's not fair Nick."
"Look, I'm happy for you, I am. I just... I guess it's strange to me to hear your passion about your job." He tried to look her in the eye, but his gaze dropped.
"But I love it. I want to share it with you. Are you mad about something? I just don't understand." Jess was becoming increasingly frustrated.
He put his hand on her knee, "Jess, I'm really happy for you. I am. I'm just not good at this, you know?"
"That's not fair, you can't just use that as an excuse to be disconnected."
"What?" He jerked to a standing position over her.
As she pushed up off the couch, she reached for his hand. "We're together now. We're supposed to share things. That's what I want, don't you?"
He squeezed her hand. "Jess, you know this kind of thing is hard for me, why are you making a big deal about it?"
Her voice became louder and she desperately tried to hold onto his hand, but he started to pull away. "BECAUSE IT'S A BIG DEAL TO ME! Don't you even care that I'm upset?! You can't start pushing me away, it's not going to work now..."
He jerked his hand away and stepped back, the backs of his legs against the coffee table. "Right, because you want me to just change who I am now that we're together?" As soon as he said it, he wanted to take it back. That wasn't fair.
Jess' eyes got wide and her head jerked back like someone had slapped her. Her voice got quieter "I never said I wanted you to change. I just. You're my boyfriend and it's YOU I want to share this stuff with."
Nick winced a little. She had picked HIM to confide all these feelings too, and he just didn't know what he was supposed to do. "I know that, Jess. It's just that I'm..." He stopped. He couldn't open up to her about this. Not yet. Not before he could think about his next move.
She hung onto his last words, hoping he would continue, only he shut down. She sighed loudly, "It doesn't work if you can't talk to me. I need you to..."
He brushed passed her towards the front door. "I need some air."
"Wait, so you're just going to run away? That's great, Nick. Just great."
His hands slowly balled up into fists and he closed his eyes to turn around. "No, I just. I need to think, I can't do it with you yelling at me."
Jess stepped forward, "I'm not yelling, I just want to know what's going on."
His eyes were full of anger now. "Just give me some space, ok. I...I need to figure some things out."
Her voice cracked a little, "about US?"
Nick shook his head a little stunned. "NO! No, it's not about us. It's about me. Just...let me breathe Jess."
Jess muttered a barely audible "ok" as she looked at the floor.
God, why did he have to do this right now? He needed to think. He watched as she bit her lip, refusing to look at him. "Look, I need a few days to sort some things out. JUST BACK OFF." He was shocked that he was yelling, but he was so frustrated that she couldn't let it go for now. He was struggling with this. REALLY STRUGGLING. What was her problem?
She glanced up at him again, confusion in her eyes. "I don't understand, why..."
He punched his thigh with his fist angrily. "Look Jess, STOP. I need it ok? I need for you to once not ask questions, OKAY?!"
Jess blinked back tears and swallowed hard. She gave a barely visible nod and turned to her right, headed for the hallway. After slowly walking to her room and closing the door, she collapsed onto her bed and started sobbing. What was going on? Why couldn't he just tell her what was going on? Maybe Nick's "grumpy mystery" persona had been cute at one point, but now it hurt to know that he wouldn't share things with her. They were together and he was still choosing to shut her out. It hurt more than she imagined was possible.
Nick grumbled as he watched her disappear into her room. He ran his hands through his hair as he spun around and quickly ran to the front door. He grabbed the doorknob and stopped, debating whether he should leave or not. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He decided he probably should just head to bed so he wouldn't do something stupid. Like go get drunk, which sounded like something the old Nick would do. And he really wanted to be better. Annoyed with himself he stomped off to his room. After closing the door a little bit harder than he should have, he slid his back down the door and collapsed on the floor. He rested his arms on his knees, head hanging low. This wasn't going the way that he wanted it to. He wished that he could tell her what had been on his mind, but he felt like such a failure even bringing it up. Maybe saying it out loud would make it even MORE clear to her that he really was a failure. He felt like if he kept it to himself, maybe she wouldn't notice until he could figure all this out.
But that look on her face as it crumbled into tears? He just couldn't stand hurting her like this.
He dropped his right arm and punched the door behind him. DAMN IT. Why did he always ruin everything?
Nick stood up, angrily striding to his desk and yanking the chair out from under it, sending it flying across the room and into his door with a thump. He aggressively unplugged his laptop from the cord, grabbing it and sitting on the bed. He sat down on the bed with it in his lap and flipped it open. He was about to click on the window he had open to close it forever, when the phone in his pocket started to vibrate.
"GAH!" He threw the laptop down next to him to reach in his pocket. When he flipped open his phone, his heart broke just a little bit.
Good night. I love you.
He felt his eyes well up as he laid the phone down on the bed next to him, his face collapsing into his hands.
Being across the hall from him was just so hard. In all her other relationships, when she had a fight, it was easy to have space and walk away to gain some clarity. The other person wasn't just a few steps away from her. It was torture knowing Nick was so close to her and she couldn't run to him and make everything ok again. What was worse, was that he was usually the one she went to when she was feeling this upset. Now she felt like she was being punished twice as hard.
She laid on her bed hugging her pillow, her tears finally starting to subside. She just wanted to hug him. It physically hurt feeling like she was so far away right now. Why did he have to keep pushing her away? They were a couple now, they should be TOGETHER.
It had been only a few minutes since their fight and she already missed him. God, what was wrong with her? He didn't want her around right now, why should she have to beg?
She jerked to a seated position and let out a frustrated growl. Well, even if he didn't want her around, she still wanted to show him that he wasn't going to be able to hide so easily. She grabbed her phone off the nightstand and sent him a text.
Good night. I love you.
She wanted to stay angry, but the moment she started to type the last words, her expression softened. She didn't want to be mad at him, because what she just typed was true. She waited several agonizing minutes with no response. Maybe his phone was out in the kitchen? Maybe he hadn't seen it.
Or maybe he was angrier than she thought...
She sadly put the phone back down and went to her closet to change.
He sat on his bed for several minutes flipping the phone over and over in his hand. SHE LOVED HIM. Why was he doing this to her? She didn't deserve it. He let out a long sigh and decided to change for bed. He quickly put on a gray t shirt and shorts and climbed into bed, his phone and laptop balanced on his lap. He looked at her text one more time before snapping it closed. He stared blankly at the screen still open on his laptop.
APPLICATION FOR MBA PROGRAM
Could he do it? Was this it? Was he really going to go back to school after all this time?
He thought back to law school. Studying all those weeks for the damn LSATs, waiting to hear back from the schools he had applied to, the classes and the stress.
He rubbed his eyes.
He was terrified.
He had spent the better part of the last week going over and over this in his head. It had been so long since he had dropped out of law school, that he had passed the point where he could just start up where he had left off. The career counselor had told him he would have to retake the LSATs to even be considered. He had taken some time to think about it, but in the end, he was sure he did NOT want to be a lawyer anymore. It just wasn't him. He knew that a long time ago. When the counselor had suggested an MBA program, it had piqued his interest. He thought that maybe it wouldn't be such an awful career to run a bar or restaurant. God knows he had spent enough time in one.
He was going to do it.
Even if he applied, it didn't mean he HAD to go. But yes, he was going to do it. He was going to do it for Jessica. He was going to do it because he wanted a future with her, and he wanted one where he didn't feel like he did right now. That he was somehow failing her. He wanted to do it for himself, for all those years he wasted doubting himself, and mourning some carefree, no responsibilities childhood that he was never going to get back.
It was 1:30 am when he glanced over at his clock after pushing "send".
Damn.
It had taken him over 2 hours to fill out the application. He had been so absorbed that he realized he had never text Jess back. She must think he was such an asshole. He closed the laptop and quickly opened his phone.
Love you more than you know. I'm sorry.
He slowly slid down the pillows and laid there in silence, still holding the phone.
It beeped.
She was still awake? After all this time?
He felt a lump form in his throat and felt sick to his stomach. He lifted the phone as if it was a 50 lb brick. He was afraid to read her next message. He knew he wouldn't be able to push away the pain he felt as he read it.
go to sleep you clown
He rolled onto his side, his laptop and phone haphazardly falling next to him.
He wanted to deserve this amazing woman so badly it hurt.