For twenty-four years now, Tara has not seen him, nor expected to, and now in the most extraodinary circumstances, she must face him. In many ways this may be the most poignant chapter of them all.
Knowledge and Understanding
Feeling like a sledge hammer had hit her, Tara could do nothing but stare, emotions flooding through her in a torrent to rival the flood of the Bible. Fear, astonishment, uncertainty, and rage, especially rage... ...oh God, yes, the rage. Struggling to control it, all she could do was stand there, her breathing gone shallow and raspy, her face an etching in ivory. Everyone froze in place. The only movement was Jill's eyes getting wider as she looked back and forth between the two of them, trying to understand what was happening.
Finally, Tara spoke in slow measured tones, "Jill. Leave the room, now. I need to talk to... ...to Mr. Daniels."
Jill frowned at her, puzzled, "But, Mom, what is it? Why?"
"Jill!", her mother said forcefully, even louder, "Leave! Now!"
Defiance set into her face, Jill riposted, "No! Not until you tell me why!"
Jason said softly, "Jill, maybe you should do as your mother says."
She turned on him and asked, "Why? What the hell is going on here. How do you two know each other?"
Jason replied, "It was a long time ago. We-"
Fury erupting, Tara cut him off with a very controlled voice, her words dripping her rage, "Did you do it?...Did you touch her, Jason?"
Jason closed his eyes, anguish briefly crossing his features. He shook his head slowly before he opened them again and looked straight at Tara, staring her down and not giving in. Softly, but very firmly, he replied, "No, I did not."
A look of outrage came over Jill as she said, 'Mom! How could you? I told you already about that. He never-!
"It's okay, Jill.", said Jason, calmly interrupting, "Your mother has very good reason to ask that question."
"What reason!", she shouted, gaping at him, "What could you have possibly done!..."
"Jill!", shouted Tara, her voice shaking with fury "I will explain it later! Now go!"
Her daughter gasped, gazing at her in sheer fright, startled into silence.
Jason looked back at her, saying gently, "Tara, maybe it would be better if I explain it."
Tara couldn't hold it in anymore, her outrage exploding from her.
"You don't even remember what happened!", she screamed at him.
Jill shrank into the wheelchair, stunned in overwhelming surprise and fear with tears starting to come down her cheeks, confused and staring wide-eyed at her mother. Jason's face was set in stone. He looked back at Tara mutely, his eyes haunted.
"I do now.", he said softly, painfully, his words resounding off the walls even louder than hers.
The air suddenly went cold. He had said it in such a low voice, with so much suffering in his expression that it filled the entire room. It changed everything. Tara's brows furrowed in confusion as she tried to decipher exactly what he meant by it. Jill was openly crying now, shaken by her mother's outburst and not understanding why her mother was so angry and hostile, so fearful of this man who had saved her life, and whom she apparently knew very, very well. When her mother did not immediately respond to what Jason said, she turned back to him.
"She... ...she called you Jason.", she said, trembling between sobs. "Who are you?"
"Jill", said Tara sternly, again trying to get her daughter out of the room and away from him, yet with a pleading that crept into her voice, "This is really not a good time for this. Please... ...Go."
Jill glared harshly at her mother, rebellion again flashing in her eyes and yelling, "No, Mom! Everything has gone whack all of a sudden! Nothing is the way it seems! I need to find out what's going on, now! I want... ...I need to hear this! What is this all about?"
She tearfully turned back to the man she knew as Larry Daniels, the misery plain on her face, "Maybe I don't know who you are. But I know one thing for sure. You have done nothing to hurt me. You saved my life. I think that gives you the right to explain this."
Jason looked back at Tara, the question in his expression. Shocked by her daughter's response, Tara shut her eyes in anguish and turned to the side, hunched over, beaten, unable to do more than cross her arms and stand there looking very small.
His question answered, Jason gazed back at the girl in the wheelchair and smiled with a small lopsided grin.
"Your mother's right about my name, Jill.", he said, "My name is Jason Morgan. Larry Daniels is a pseudonym which I use along with the beard to keep from being recognized."
"But, why? What for?", she asked.
She looked at him closer, her eyes going wide in surprise.
"Wait a minute! You're that guy Jeff was always raving about! You're that Jason Morgan?"
She remembered now. Jeff idolized this guy. He seemed to come out of nowhere from the Italian leagues to star as the great forward for the Denver Nuggets from 2010 to 2025. After that, he started to slow down and was seen in more of a supportive role as age was creeping up on him, as it did any professional athlete. But Jeff was always talking about what a great shooter he was, how many records he had broken, how many consecutive games he had played, how many championships he had won for his team.
Even more intriguing was the one thing that Jeff didn't know about him, which was his private life, and that had always galled him. Apparently Jason Morgan was famed throughout the NBA for it. It never really interested Jill that much. She would turn her attention off when Jeff droned on and on and on about how secretive his hero was, how Jason Morgan was able to stay completely out of the public spotlight. Nobody knew what he did off the court, which only added to his mystique and his appeal. It wasn't known if he was married, single, had family, what he did, or where he went, which was an incredible feat considering the power of the press these days to be able to ferret out any secret they wanted to know about any celebrity, and Jason Morgan was no minor celebrity. Yet somehow he managed to do it.
Jeff always speculated it something to do with a criminal record of some sort, a rumor that apparently dogged him since the beginning of his career, but he always downplayed it and even doubted it was true. The official team biography listed him as single with an address in Denver that actually belonged to a guest townhouse owned by the team that was used by visitors. But Jeff's worship of his hero was such he was not bothered at all by any of these dark rumors. It simply wasn't an issue of any importance where the greatest ball player to ever live was concerned, at least in his estimation. 'Even if it's true, everyone makes mistakes', he had said.
It all came back to her now as she looked at Jason in wonder.
"Yeah.", she said, mildly daunted, "My boy—...ex-boyfriend loved talking about you. You're really 'the man' as far as he's concerned. You're the star forward for the Nuggets from way back?"
Jason nodded slightly, smiling sadly.
"Okay...", Jill continued, "I guess. I can see now it really is hard to recognize you with the beard. It does disguise you real well. But then Jeff always said you were a real stickler for privacy. So I can understand why you use the fake name and all that. But what does that have to do with all this?"
Jason looked at Jill with that tense smile, clearly uncomfortable, and dreading what he was about to say to her.
"No, Jill. You don't understand. That's not why I used a pseudonym and a disguise."
"Then, why?"
Jason grimaced and took a deep breath, quietly replying, "Because I'm a convicted felon... ...and a registered sex offender."
Jill blinked, her mouth dropping open, "Wha-? What are you talking about? What could you have done for that to happen?"
Jason's jaws were clenched as he replied in a monotone, "Aggravated sexual assault..."
Jill stared at him dumbfounded, breathlessly whispering, "... what?..."
"Not what, Jill... ...who...", Jason said tensely.
Jason's eyes briefly fell back on her mother, before dropping down in shame. It took her a moment, but then she realized what he meant. Jill suddenly blanched, staring wide eyed at him, and frantically began backing away from him in the wheelchair, gasping.
All this time, Samantha Morgan had sat quietly, head bowed in prayer, staying out of it. But now she quickly came to life.
"Jill! Don't!", she cried, "He is not that man anymore! I can tell you he could never, ever be what he used to be! Please! Listen to him! Let him explain!"
This was more than Tara could stand.
"How could you?", she said coldly, staring hard at her, "How could you lie to me like that?"
Unexpectedly, Sam turned that angry stare back on her with one of her own, sternly facing Tara down, surprising her.
"And would you have taken my daughter's case if you knew Jason was her father?", she riposted, standing her ground, " Don't you think I would risk hiding something like that, doing whatever it took if it meant gaining any chance of saving her life?"
Taken aback, Tara protested, "Sam! Who her father is would never have entered into my decision to treat Melissa! Not even Jason!"
"I know that now.", said Sam quietly, painfully, her face softening, "But, how was I to know that in the beginning? And once I did get to know you, well, Jason wasn't here anyway. I didn't want to complicate matters any worse. But still...
Sam looked down a moment, her composure steeling hard once more, but not in anger.
"Tara, I've been married to this man for almost twenty years now.", she said, "Don't you think I would know him by now? Don't you think that I would know he would never hide anything from me, that I would always know what was in his heart when he got down on his knees and confessed everything he did to you before he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me? Do you think he would, or even could, hide anything from me after telling me something like that? You don't know what we have to go through! What we have to endure when people know who he is outside of basketball, and what his record is! I am telling you, he is not the boy you knew in high school!"
Tara gawked in surprise at her, too stunned to answer. She had gotten to know Samantha well enough to know she was a strong and decent woman, and certainly not a stupid or foolish one. She realized that if she believed that much in Jason, there must be something to what she was saying.
But it was her analytical mind telling her this. Her emotions were still controlled by terror. She didn't know what to do, frozen in indecision. She saw Jill had distanced herself almost to the door, her hands covering her face and crying again. She could only imagine how her daughter's feelings were even more mixed up, unable to think straight.
"Tara."
She looked at Jason again, and saw the pleading on his face.
"Please. All I want to do is explain to Jill. I will tell her everything she wants to know, and you can correct me if you think I'm not telling her the truth."
"...Why?", she asked in a stunned, breathless whisper.
"Because... ... because I owe you too much not to.", he replied.
Tara's whole being shook with uncertainty, shaking her head 'no' in a jerking motion, obviously not wanting to do anything of the sort. She stared at Jason, conflicted, still trying to get some sense of what she should do. This was not something Jill should learn from anybody else, especially from him! It should come from her mother! No one else! But she had not done it. She couldn't...
Jason could sense she was wavering, wanting only to gather her daughter up and get out, and his face became resigned to that conclusion. She could see then he knew she wanted none of it, and his demeanor clearly showed his pain. But that was what caught Tara's attention. The Jason she knew had never done anything like this before.
It was a look she could recall never seeing on him either, like... ...like a look of humility? Of forgiveness? Maybe for others, maybe for himself? She found herself thinking, 'If he forgives himself, he really knows what he did was wrong, and if he realizes how wrong...'
She trembled from pure emotion, from fear, and realized it. Although she desperately didn't want it to be true, she was sure Jill wanted to hear this, more from him than from her mother despite the shock of just learning what he did, and she resigned herself to it. Making a conscious effort, she took a couple of deep breaths, then slowly looked around the room. Finding a small chair that was next to the door, she set it beside her daughter. Then she sat down and took Jill's hand, holding on firmly. Looking deeply into her daughter's frightened eyes, she tried to give her a sense that she was there for her, that everything would be alright, that she would protect her.
She glanced back at Jason, before looking back to Jill, and said in a very small voice, "If she still wants to hear you, okay."
Surprised, Jill returned that look intensely, looked back to Jason, and slowly nodded. Jason took a slow deep breath and wet his lips. He cautiously began.
"As you see now, your mother and I know each other. It was a long time ago, in high school. We were classmates. She was on the cheer squad... ...yeah, I'm sure you know. I was the center for the basketball team. We first really got to know each other when the two of us began dating during the last part of our junior year.
"We dated for about three months into the first part of the summer. It was then your mother broke up with me and started dating your father. You see, I was a different person back then. I was full of myself, self indulgent, selfish, egotistical, spoiled rich, thinking that I was the hottest thing in town. It was like, you know, I was the 'star' of the basketball team. I was 'THE' guy. They couldn't win State without me. And of course, being who I was, there was the 'food chain'."
Tara grimaced, but said nothing. She gazed off to the side, not wanting to look at him. Jill noted her expression, worried about it, but turned her attention back to Jason, still needing to know more. Sam sat back down by her husband, holding on to his arm in support as Jason went on.
"Anyway, I was one of those kids who thought nothing was too good for him. My parents were wealthy. I was a top basketball prospect heading for a college scholarship and then a superstar career in the pros. I was going to be gazillionaire, the greatest player that ever played the sport, even better than Michael Jordan... ...I thought I was so much better than everyone, and your mother was such a... ...God, she was such a beauty."
Tara's face flushed with revulsion, groaning, "Please."
"That's just straight truth, Tara.", he replied in defense, "I'm not playing you. You were, and you still are, an incredibly beautiful woman. My point is that I felt I deserved to have someone as beautiful as you because of my status, because I was at the top of that 'food chain'."
He stared at Jill again, "You see, I wasn't looking at your mother like a girlfriend, like someone I should care about. She was a status symbol, a trophy, a thing..."
He paused as an aching grimace came over his face, one that said 'shame', as he continued, "...Something to be used... ...I was too blind to see what I was doing."
He gazed back at Tara, his look softer and sounding wearier, "But your mother soon saw through me well enough. So she ditched me and stared going out with someone I considered, well, someone not fit to kiss the ground we walked on."
He looked back at Jill, the girl staring back at him, still entranced, but now a little disturbed at how he had just described her father.
Jason went on, "I thought it was such an insult to be ditched in favor of someone like your dad, someone we would consider a 'dweeb', if you know that term. I thought I loved your mother. The truth was I had no idea what real love was.
"But what made things bad was that I'm alcoholic."
"Ye-yeah.", said Jill haltingly, "I kinda figured that from the cabin."
"You sure did.", he replied with a momentary smirk, "But I was a lot worse back then. When you saw me in the cabin, I had been on the wagon for twenty four years. I hadn't taken a drink since the last time I saw your mother."
"But it was Melissa's illness that made you break this time, wasn't it?", Jill asked.
He nodded slowly, then said, "It's still no excuse."
"Maybe. I think it's understandable though." replied Jill, "But you said you were worse."
Jason sighed and answered her, "Yeah. I refused to recognize I had a problem back then. I was young. I was stupid. My drinking was way out of control, to the point I would black out, not remember anything I did while I was drunk. My whole senior year was like that, angry, brooding, resentful at your mother. Sometimes, I would get so roaring drunk, wanting to get back at your father for taking your mother away from me. I did things, things that were... ...were really wrong."
Jill gulped, "That's why you said... ...you said you screwed up back in the cabin, isn't it? You were talking about how you really screwed up with a girl in high school. You were talking about my Mom, weren't you?"
"Yeah, kiddo, I was.", he said with another sigh, "And I didn't even know who you were at the time."
A hard painful look came over Jill's face.
"Yeah... ...But what did you do, Lar— Jason?", she whispered, "What did you do... ...to my mother?"
Jason became pale. Jill felt her mother's hand suddenly tighten in hers. Sam tightened her grip on her husband's arm and ducked her head worriedly.
Jason glanced briefly at Tara, but her eyes remained closed, her face turned to the side.
"Tara?..."
She couldn't look at him, didn't want this, but... ...She just nodded once, roughly. He turned his eyes back to Jill.
His face filling with a deep anguish, Jason's voice got very soft, "It was just before the State Tournament. We had won the regional championship game, to be honest, because of my skills and a fall away jumper at the buzzer. After that game, I was the hero at school. I could do no wrong. I could have had anything I wanted. But what I wanted was the one thing I couldn't have. One night, I got so fed up with it, I got really drunk again. I found out that your father liked to walk your mother home to her house on most nights, so I went looking for them, and I found them."
Jill glanced at her mother. Tara's eyes were still shut tight, her face almost wincing in expectation of the hurt she felt coming.
Jason went on, "You have to understand, Jill. I had nothing in me but rage, insane rage. I'm not saying that as any kind of excuse. I just want you to know what kind of monster I had become."
Sam grabbed his arm a little tighter, saying, "Honey."
Jason reached over and patted her hand and said, "It's okay, Samantha. I know I'm not one any longer. But I have to admit to her what I was then. She has to know that."
He turned his attention back to Jill again. She now had a look of fear on her face, like she was regretting even asking the question. But he continued, determined to finish.
"You see, I wanted nothing more than to hurt them both for what I thought they had done to me. So I found them on the road and confronted them. Your father tried to protect your mother by getting between us. What he didn't know was how far I was willing to go. He didn't know how dangerous I was willing to be. So when he started pushing me away from your mother, I... ...I attacked your father, beat him over the head with a tire iron, cut him open pretty good and knocked him unconscious."
Jill gasped, and Tara looked up wide eyed. This surprised her. She knew he wasn't lying. It was the way he said it... ...He did remember.
Jason went on, his voice almost strangled with emotion, "After your father went down, I grabbed your mother and... ...and I slammed her up against a tree..."
"Then I ripped most of her clothes off and forced myself on her."
"Oh my God.", Jill moaned in sheer pain, turning to Tara and holding on to her, burying her face into her shoulder and crying.
"Oh, Mom! I didn't know! I'm so sorry! I didn't... ...I..."
Tara stroked her hair, settling her down, saying, "Honey, it's okay. He didn't succeed. Your father woke up and stopped him. I was okay."
Jill looked up at her, quietly sobbing, "But Mom!", then looked back at Jason with her tear stained face wrenched in agony.
Jason said, "Your mother's right. I didn't... ...uh, get through. Your father woke up in time and prevented me from being able to do any more harm, and he beat the hell out of me pretty good too, I might add. My team mates came and got me then. I only saw your parents once more, which was the next day. I wasn't really looking for your mother at the time, although I had hoped to see her. Now, you can see how much bigger I am than your father, and even after the previous night, he still didn't hesitate to try and stop me from getting close to your mother."
Jason licked his lips, and took a deep breath before he went on.
"Jill, I have no doubt you love your father. So I'll tell you something I think you should hear. That next day, I wasn't drunk anymore, just hung over. It would have been no problem for me to plaster him, and still he didn't back down. I asked him why, why he willing to risk getting the hell beat out of him. You should know that, in front of virtually the entire student body, he said it was because he loved her. You should know that was an incredibly brave thing for him to do. I didn't realize it then. In fact, I didn't understand it for a long time. But I finally did understand why he did it."
He looked back at Sam and smiled momentarily before facing Jill again with a smile.
"When I fell in love with my wife, that's when I understood what your father did, and I still think it was probably the bravest thing I've ever seen anyone do."
The tears came down Tara's face. She was in shock, knowing he really remembered. She could hear it in his voice. He wasn't just delivering some dialogue of a written account. He... ...remembered.
And he was admitting what he did, saying it was wrong, and willing to pay the price. She realized that somehow he had turned his life around, could see how he became successful, married, had a child. For twenty four years, she had never been sure Kevin had done the right thing. Now for the first time she knew. Kevin was right to give him the chance. She had never really quite believed he was justified in being so lenient on Jason, until now. She could feel the rage subsiding from her consciousness, even though there was still the hurt in her heart. She wasn't ready to bring herself to let it go yet.
Jason continued, "After that, I was arrested and jailed. Eventually I was convicted of sexual assault, thrown out of school, put on probation, was serving time in a facility down south for sexual offenders. My life was gone, destroyed. I would never get a chance to go to a major college, play basketball professionally."
"But you did.", said Jill, "You did make it to the pros."
"That's right.", said Jason, "That was when I found myself. That was when I gave myself to the Lord. I owe it all to Him.
"You see, I finally understood what I had done then. I knew I had to pay for it. But God is merciful, and he still gave me things I didn't deserve. Even before I got out of the sexual offender program, I was given a chance to do what I loved, to play basketball. I got an offer to play in the Italian Leagues. It was a great offer. One that would give me a chance at playing in the pros. I spent three years in Italy. By then, Denver liked what they saw, and I was blessed to be offered a contract. The rest you probably know, more or less...
"That was the start of my career. That was my life starting over again, because I found a church that fit me well, and then God gave me my greatest blessing."
He smiled as he turned to his wife again and stroked her arm as she gave him a smile back.
"We met in church. I knew almost from the moment I met her, she was the one. And then, there was Melissa..."
Jason closed his eyes and cried silent tears as his wife sat up onto the bed and drew him into her arms.
He looked back at her, "Please, Tara. I need to know. Will she live?"
Tara was still in shock from Jason's confession, but the question brought her back momentarily.
She bit down on her lip before she answered, "We... ...we are doing everything we can, Jason. I just can't tell you with certainty now. Her chances are about fifty-fifty. I'll talk to you both a little more about it after... ...this."
Jason closed his eyes again and turned back towards Sam, nodding his understanding. After a moment, he looked back to Jill.
He said to her, "Jill, do you see now why I owe your mother a debt I can never repay? It wasn't just for Melissa. It was for what I had done to her."
Jill swallowed hard. She still looked troubled, but was not as upset as she had been. She slowly wiped her tears away and looked at him again.
"I understand, Jason.", Jill said, "But I just don't know how I feel, right now. This is too much, too much. I don't know... ...what... ...what to do..."
Abruptly, she turned her wheelchair around, saying, "I have to go."
"It's okay. I understand.", Jason replied quietly as Tara got up, opened the door for her daughter, and let her wheel herself out. She was about to follow when Jason spoke up again.
"Tara. Please. I need to say something more."
Tara froze at the door for a moment, then slowly closed it, turned around, and faced him. Strangely, there was no fear, the undying rage now tempered with what she now knew. It was still far too uncomfortable for her, but he had rescued Jill, had sacrificed for her. He had earned the right to be heard. She stood silently and waited.
"You need to know that I told Samantha everything about what I did to you, everything she needed to know.", he said, "But the one thing I didn't tell her was who you were. She didn't want to know that much detail, and it really wasn't important that she know that. God knows neither of us ever expected to meet you. But after we had exhausted all of the standard treatments for Melissa, Samantha worked tirelessly, trying to find something on the internet, some new treatment, some experimental protocol, something that would help our daughter. She looked so hard and for so long, until she finally found a doctor she thought would be the best chance Melissa would have."
He smiled briefly as he remembered.
"She was so excited the day she found your name and the details on your research, she called me immediately into our office at home. My God, Tara! She was so excited! She thought she had found the answer to our prayers. But then I looked at the computer screen and saw your name."
Jason took a deep breath again before speaking again.
"I swear my blood ran cold when I saw to whom it was she wanted to entrust our daughter's life. I kept reading the screen, hoping that this was a different Tara Monroe, someone I didn't know. But then I read your bio, and saw Kevin listed as your husband. My God, Tara. I knew Kevin was going to medical school. I didn't know you would go with him into that."
Tara swallowed hard, replying, "He was my inspiration, Jason. I could have never done it without him, and I love doing it."
He nodded, "Yes, I can truly believe that, Tara. Only someone who could love what they're doing could go as far and do as much as you have. And you were right about Kevin at the park."
It took a moment, but Tara remembered the Memorial Day Picnic, that incredible day which had brought her so much joy, and peace. She remembered how Jeremy Wendell had wanted to talk to her about Jason, remembering what she told him.
"You were right.", Jason repeated softly, "Jeremy told me what you said, that Kevin was, and he actually still is, the biggest man on the field."
Tara looked down, the tears coming again. Jason went on.
"But I'm getting off subject. Samantha didn't know who you were. I kept pleading with her to see if there was someone else who would give Melissa a better chance. She couldn't understand why I was resisting sending Melissa to you. We argued pretty strongly about it until she finally put her foot down that she was taking Melissa to you for treatment and that was the end of the discussion. That's when I told her you were the one I had attacked."
Jason shook his head with a short, almost whimsical snort.
"Samantha just kind of blinked at me a couple of times and said, 'So? What does that have to do with saving our daughter?'"
Then Jason reached up and held on to his wife, his voice quavering again, "That's when I broke, and I ran. I was too afraid to face you, Tara, and for the first time in twenty-four years, I bought a bottle of whiskey, then five more, and I ran to the cabin."
He reached out and grabbed Samantha's hand, his face bowed down. Sam squeezed for all the support she could give him.
"I am so sorry, honey...", he whispered.
"Don't.", she replied softly, "It's past. We are fine. Let's just concentrate on Melissa."
Jason held back the tears, and nodded, then looked back at Tara.
"I needed you to know, Tara. I really needed you... ...to know."
"I understand, Jason.", Tara said quietly after a pause, "I understand. I am... ...I am... ...there is no other word I can think of, but I am awed. I never expected you could change this much. But why? How? What finally did it?"
He looked back up at her and said very softly, "Because I remembered, Tara. I finally remembered."
Tara saw the anguish come back to his face as she asked, "What happened?"
He licked his lips for a moment, then said, "It was two years after that... ...that day. I was in Italy, playing ball, doing well, enjoying my life again. I started having these nightmares. They were ugly, disturbing, but I couldn't remember them when I woke up. It started to affect my play. After talking to the team doctor, they sent me to a therapist to try and figure it out. He used some sort of medication and relaxation techniques which sort of put me in a, you know, tranquilized state."
Tara nodded, "Yes, I know what you're talking about."
Jason continued, "After a while I started to remember the nightmares in bits and pieces. They were images of that night. That's when I realized I had even completely blocked out the images that Kim showed me on her com in the gym even though I wasn't drunk then. I had completely blocked out everything else that happened in the gym, too. But that was the starting point. That's when I told the therapist about that night. In the beginning, I could only tell him what had been told to me. That gave him a focus to work on and then we continued to work on regaining those memories. It took about eight months, but with his help, I remembered it all.
Jason's face wrenched into an agonized frown.
"Tara, I can't tell you how hard that was. God knows how much I did not want to remember any of it. It was, and still is, the most incredibly painful thing I've ever done. I damn near lost my contract with the basketball team because how badly my play suffered. But I knew I had no choice. I realized then I had to remember. I had to know exactly what I had done to you. I had to feel the memories going through me again, to know as personally as I could, every moment, every pain, both mine and yours. And what I truly think changed me more than anything was the realization of how much of a monster I really was that night, as evil as it gets. What really broke me, Tara, it wasn't what I did, but what was in my mind, and in my heart that night...
"If Kevin hadn't stopped me, I would have done it. I would have raped you."
Tara's face went white, silently staring at Jason, looking deep in his eyes and seeing a pain there that haunted him even worse than the pain that haunted her. She had been absolutely sure even at the time of the attack, and ever since then, that Jason had intended and would have done exactly that had Kevin not been there. Yet, to hear him confess it with such regret in his voice...
She couldn't deny it any longer. This was indeed a different person from the boy she once knew, completely different. The Jason Morgan she used to know so long ago no longer existed. In his place was this man who had somehow gained the courage to own up to the wrongs of his past and confess them, no matter how painful, no matter how afraid he was, even after stumbling once again. And she could see he was a man remembering the troubled boy he used to be with such regret and aching, somehow still trying to understand how he could have inflicted the torture and suffering he had forced on her.
She trembled as she remembered how she had told Jeremy that day in the park how she had forgiven him, and realized for the first time she really didn't mean it. She had only said that for Kevin's sake and put it away and out of her mind. She knew intellectually he was right, and tried to accept it on that level. But deep down, emotionally, she never really forgave him. The rage, the fury, the hurt was too easily resurrected every time a reminder intruded upon her.
Tara recalled how she and Kevin would often enjoy sporting events on viewer, just about any sport, except basketball. They never watched that, because it always was so uncomfortable for her, and fortunately, Kevin never really cared for the sport. They knew Jason was playing for the Nuggets as his name would often surface in the sports news. But they never discussed him, and what little news that came to them about him came from the viewer, and that was the extent of their knowledge of him. Even when he was the toast of the league during his championship days, they usually switched channels whenever his name came up.
When Jill started dating Jeff Masick, that threatened to bring up all the bad reminders again. Although she was justified eventually in her suspicions of him, she realized that in the beginning she was unfairly prejudiced, solely because he was the basketball 'star'. And there were other little things about him that would remind her of Jason and upset her. Kevin was always so patient with her, knowing what was bothering her, not pushing, waiting for her to talk about it if she wanted, but she never did... ...She never did.
Tara looked up at Jason again. She could see the face of the boy so long ago still set in the features of the man he was now, yet nothing of that teenager remained in his expression, or lay behind his resigned eyes, and she realized that his pain was actually worse than hers.
Her emotions were roiling in a hurricane of doubt, redirected anger, pain, sadness... ...possibly relief? She knew she couldn't stay. Like Jill, she had to get away, to sort this out, to find Kevin and sink into his protective embrace, to feel safe again as he was always able to do when she felt threatened by the world, anything to take away this awful emotional deluge in which she was now drowning.
Timidly, she said, "I'm sorry. I have to go."
Jason nodded and replied softly, "I know."
She turned and opened the door to leave, but hesitated a moment halfway through. Slowly, she looked back at him.
"Thank you, Jason.", she whispered, "Thank you... ...for my daughter's life."
She swiftly turned and left the room. As the door whooshed shut, Jason turned to Samantha and hugged her, both of them silently crying.
Outside the room, Tara paused at the nurses station, stunned, her thoughts rambling incoherently in her mind, gazing off in the distance. She looked like a zombie slowly walking across the floor. Alice looked up and stared in consternation, coming up to her in alarm.
"Dr. Monroe. Are you alright? Is something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
Tara's attention snapped back to her surroundings as she looked at the nurse and smiled, saying, "No! No, Alice. Everything's fine. I just had a little surprise, that's all. I'm okay."
"You're sure?"
"Yes, yes... ...I'm fine. But thank you. I'm all right."
"Very well, Doctor.", the nurse said hesitantly as she returned to her duties slowly, looking over her shoulder at Tara every now and then just to make sure.
She was far from okay. Tara walked slowly down the corridor towards Ward Six. A shudder went through her. She couldn't sense her feet because of how numb she felt. Somehow, she ended up somewhere else and she kept walking, walking and thinking. Before she knew it, more than a hour has passed, and she knew she had to go back and talk to Jill, and check on Melissa. She decided to do the latter first. Somehow, she made it back to Ward Six. It took a tremendous effort, but she willed herself to look at Melissa's chart and see if anything had changed. She found things were unchanged, except that maybe her potassium was still a little low, so she adjusted the IV drip rate up a little higher. Going to the room, She checked the little girl's scanner monitor, watching the heart tracing, noting the vitals, observing the electrolytes changing once every second in real time measurement. If they kept that up, they would have to change out the electrode sensors very soon as they would wear out quickly with this much use. But everything was on a steady course. There was nothing more she needed to do here. Sam had slipped back into the room before her and was sleeping in a chair next to the bed, so she didn't wake her as she stepped back out. She was relieved that Melissa's condition was stable.
The weight of her emotions would not leave her. As she trudged back towards Jill's room, she couldn't stop the tears as it all rampaged through her mind again. She didn't know how long she spent walking back to Ward Two, but she did make it, and just as she entered, she heard footsteps coming towards her. It was Kevin, coming out of Jill's room. He reached out to her and held on to both of her arms.
"Honey, are you okay?", he cried, "I've talked to Jill. She told me about Jason. What happened? Are you hurt?"
Tara gaped at him, this man who knew how to handle this so much better than she did.
She softly whispered, "Hold me."
He gathered her into his arms and held her as tightly as he could, as she did him, melting into her soul mate and drinking in the security and safety of his embrace that she so desperately needed then. She let it go then, crying deeply and releasing very tension, every hurt as he slowly stroked her hair and shushed her softly. They stood there that way for a long while as he patiently waited for her to let it all out.
"Oh, my God, Kevin.", she whispered, the tears starting down again, "Oh, God."
"I know, honey. I know.", he said as reassuringly as he could, "Jill told me everything."
After a while longer, she pulled back and dried her tears as best she could. Kevin searched her face closely for some clue of what she felt.
In response, she said, "I'm okay, Kevin. I'm okay. I'm just thankful Jill is alive and unharmed. I don't want to think about anything else right now. I can't. It's too much, and I had to check on Melissa."
"No.", said Kevin, "No, you don't. I checked myself, and there's nothing significantly changed. They'll call you if anything does happen."
"Kevin, I really do need to check on her progress."
"No, honey. You don't!", he replied firmly, "You're just trying to distract yourself. That's not a good way to take care of your patient. I've asked Kim's mom to watch her for awhile. I think she should be able to handle that without any problems. She doesn't have to deal with any of the intricacies of chemo at this point, so you won't be required for that. But you need to rest, and you need to reconcile yourself to all this."
She looked deeply into his eyes, saying, "You always knew, didn't you? You knew I couldn't let it go."
Kevin grimaced as he met her gaze, "I knew. I had always hoped that in time you could. I certainly didn't expect anything like this to happen."
"I don't know what to think anymore."
"All the more reason for you not to deal with anything else right now. Come back to the room. You need rest, and time to think."
"And you?"
"I asked Dr. Gallard to cover me for the next two days. He still owes me for Thanksgiving. I'm not going anywhere else."
"What about Jill?"
"She's going to sleep now. She's pretty shaken up too, but I think she'll be able to get some rest now."
Tara had such a look of relief, knowing he was going to be there for her through this. She drew him back in, softly kissed him, and then hugged him closely yet again.
"Come on.", he said, "I'm putting you to bed. You need rest and sleep."
Still holding on to her, he turned and starting walking her down the hallway towards their quarters.
"You won't leave?", she asked.
"You aren't leaving my arms tonight."
Tara must now struggle with her feelings about Jason, while the search for answers about Kim's new arch-foe goes on. The next chapter will be out in a few days.