Ch.10

Cassandra lay in her grey silk sheets, helplessly glaring at the alarm clock next to her bed. How it got to be 2am she couldn't say, but she knew it was something she was bound to regret the next morning. The buzz of her fifth of vodka was wearing off, and she was biting at her lip, anxiously debating her next move.

She's already here…and you're both miserable…so you might as well just try to find some happiness again… she picked up her phone, the screen blank, and flipped it around in her hands. There's no turning back once you've written her, you know that. You can't be afraid of the woman. You can't be afraid to get hurt again. You're already hurt, it can't get much worse…

A crisp wind from her cracked window blew the curtains across the room and chilled Cassie to the bone. She stood from her bed, stretched out her legs, and moved to shut the window completely, rubbing her hand across her forehead.

She yawned and curled back up under her blankets, on her side.

It was 3am.

Just do it. You know you want to. You won't be able to sleep until you do…

Biting her lip, she unlocked her phone and found Shelby's number.

Cassie: [I believe you.]

The words were simple and impersonal, but they were enough to get Shelby to respond, at least.

When Shelby's phone vibrated on the desk next to her, she jolted, frightened. She'd been up on her laptop putting grades in when she shakily reached over and saw, flashing on the screen,

1 new message: Cassie

Cassie's…talking to me now? What did I do to deserve that? Where did it come from?

She was suddenly aware of her heart pounding in her chest as she unlocked her phone and read the text. Though she told herself not to get too excited about anything, her heart took full control of her actions, guiding her fingers across the keyboard on her phone.

Shelby: [You do?]

It wasn't long before the two of them were involved in an early morning conversation, through text so Garrett wouldn't hear Shelby through the wall and so Cassie wouldn't wake the rest of the house.

Cassie: [I do. Should I?]

Shelby: [It was the truth, baby. All of it.]

What is this? Is Cassie playing me like I played her? Is this just another game? She's trying to get back at me? No. Shelby chastised herself. Cassandra isn't like that, no matter how upset she might be with me.

Cassie: [Shelby…you ruined me.]

Cass sent the text on impulse, her lungs hurting from the air she kept holding out of nerves. She knew she would hate herself in the morning, and that she wasn't in a proper mindset. Of course, she hadn't been in a proper mindset in a long time

A little over eleven years.

Her breathing was shaky and uneven.

Shelby read the text and felt so immediately vulnerable and crestfallen.

Shelby: [I can't describe in words how sorry I am, Cassandra. How much I love you, and Rachel. I know I fucked up. In so many ways. I'm not asking you to forgive me anymore... I just want you to understand how badly I regret what I did. And how much I long for a relationship with you and Rachel again even though I know I don't deserve it.]

Shelby's heart caught in her throat and she reached for the glass of water on the side table next to her. It nearly slipped out of her hands. It was so late, and a good thirty minutes went by before Cassandra responded,

Cassie: [So where does this leave us?]

Us? She's still willing to let there be an us after all I've put her through?

Shelby yawned behind her hand and checked her clock. It was nearly five in the morning and she had to be up to teach by 6:30. She knew Cassie did, too. She decided to respond anyways, because some things were more important than sleep. After years of wishing she could talk to Cassie again, she wasn't going to miss this opportunity for something so trivial.

Shelby: [It leaves us with whatever you're comfortable with.]

In a moment of weakness, Cassandra nearly asked her to just come back home.

But would it still be home, with her? In my wildest dreams, it would be. In my dreams about the time before the lies and the sneaking around. Before the fighting and toxic atmosphere. It was bad for Rachel then and it's bad for her now, but would it be worse for us to keep going the way we are, or for us to try to start again and get Shelby out of that situation? Unless we do that we're just going to keep going in circles. It's never going to end.

Cassandra knew she was being selfish. She wanted her Shelby back, and worried about whether that Shelby still existed.

Besides that, it would take a long time to convince Rachel, Holly, and Santana to want the same thing.

What good would any of it be if they don't want that life, too? For once, I need to get my head out of the clouds and stop thinking about my own happiness. Think about Rachel, she's been screwed over by this since day one. And Holly? She got sucked into this situation because she's my best friend, and now she feels an obligation to take care of me. I've wasted so much of her life. Is it fair of me to throw all of that away and get back into old habits?

Re-reading the texts, Cass let out a distressed sigh. She knew it wasn't often that Shelby got scared. Of anything. But it was clear the woman was terrified of staying in the position she was in, and hadn't she suffered enough?

If I leave her there, I feel like I'm punishing her. If I tell her to come home, I'm punishing everyone else. My feelings will continue to be hurt either way, so it's about something much bigger than that…Shelby can act but she wouldn't make something like this up…I know her better than that.

Shelby: [Can I show you something?]

Cassie held her breath.

Cassie: [Of course.]

An image popped up for Cassie to click on. It was Shelby from the waist down, clearly taken in her bed. She was stripped down to her underwear and a sense of familiarity washed over Cassandra at the sight of the woman's olive skin, her toned thighs. It only took a second for Cassandra to understand why Shelby had sent the picture—bruises started at the top of her panty line and moved down to her upper thigh. Bright marks from what Cassandra assumed were finger nails accompanied them.

Cassie: [Oh my god, Shelby. What happened?]

Shelby: [It's easy for him to dig his nails into my leg under the table, so Sophie doesn't see. Otherwise he likes to grab my wrist and arm, but I cover those with makeup.]

Shock settled over Cassandra as she pressed her lips together tightly. A tear slid down her cheek. Although she'd mostly believe Shelby before, to see it was another story. She knew Shelby's thighs anywhere. Anger was not a strong enough word to describe how Cassandra felt that that man was putting his hands on her. Leaving marks on her.

Cassie: [What are we going to do?]

Shelby: [Is… there still a "we", Cassandra?]

Cassie let out a long, smooth breath.

Cassie: [Do you want there to be?]

Shelby tapped on the sides of her phone in thought. This had to be a trap, a test, to see if she was lying. Part of her wished she was. It'd be easier than living through this. I just want to make things right. I want to kiss her beautiful lips and whisper apologies until the day I die. I want a relationship with Rachel where she trusts me enough to go to me for advice and ask me about music…not that I'm the best person to take advice from.

Shelby: [I really, truly do, Cassandra.]

Cassie: [Okay. Then there's still a "we". It's as simple as that. Life is too short to be playing games. If we both still love each other, there's no reason we shouldn't try to figure things out between us. You are rightfully Rachel's mother, and one day she'll forgive you for making a mistake. So will Santana, and Holly is halfway there. I'm not saying we're going to go back to living a perfect life where there isn't tension or heartbreak or anger. But there's still a "we", and that's going to have to be enough, for now. Please, be as careful as you can. We're going to get you out of there, okay?]

. . .

Cass stretched her body out in her great, spacious bed, her lower back tight. Friday, Friday, Friday…You made it through the week, July. Thank god.

In truth, she wasn't ready to pull herself out of the comfort and security of her blankets. She reached over for her phone and re-read some of the messages with Shelby from the night before, then set her phone on her chest and closed her tired eyes in thought. They stung from exhaustion, but she knew she didn't have much more time to lie around. As usual, Shelby is keeping you up at night. But this time, it's real.

Regardless of her lack of sleep, once she had coffee in her, she felt more awake than she had in a long time. Her thoughts were renewed with this fresh optimism she hadn't experienced for years, and although it was against her better judgement to allow these feelings to course through her, she couldn't bring herself to care enough to stop. Was it better to hate your life and dwell on hurt feelings or focus on the prospect of new, beautiful feelings? Even if it was a trick, at this point, Cassandra figured it was better than the life she'd been living before. That was enough, for now.

At breakfast, her head pounded from not spiking her coffee. She considered adding a little to just take the edge off, then glanced over at Holly. The best friend looked amazingly put-together for a woman as stressed as she was.

Is that a new hair style? Cass asked herself. Or have I been too spaced out to notice again? She didn't move to get the alcohol.

"Eat this," Santana giggled, trying to shove a slice of orange into Rachel's mouth.

Rachel had her lips pressed together tightly. "Mmm-mmm." She shook her head from side to side and protested, trying not to laugh because that would mean opening her mouth (a Rachel Berry laugh is one that is very loud and obnoxious. Rachel had no idea it was possible to laugh with your mouth closed).

"Eat. Your. Breakfast." Santana tried again.

Rachel shoved her away, turning her face away from Santana with a light little laugh. Santana grinned back and Holly and Cassandra realized at the same time that it they hadn't seen the girls so happy since Shelby came back into their lives.

Not to mention flirtatious, Cassandra gulped her hot coffee and felt the burn go down her throat. It wasn't the same as her precious whiskey, but it would do for now. Have they always been like that with each other? Wouldn't they tell us if they were a couple? Probably not, she decided. It's not like I would have paid attention. Gods, I'm a terrible mom.

"Cassie, we need a fresh start." Holly spoke up, pouring herself a glass of orange juice. Her tone was so forceful that Cassandra wondered if Holly had been trying to get her attention for a while and she just hadn't heard her.

Cass still didn't want to move or do anything drastic. Especially if she and Shelby were finally starting to talk again. But she wasn't about to admit to Holly what she had been doing up so late the night before. She would never hear the end of it if she did. Holly wouldn't understand. Or maybe she would but would be disappointed in her.

"I completely agree with that, I just don't see why a "fresh start" requires moving out of the apartment we've had for so many years…" It was a conversation they'd had multiple times since Shelby's re-arrival, and Cassandra's stance hadn't changed.

"Because you got this apartment with Shelby." Holly deadpanned. She couldn't beat around the bush anymore. Things needed to be faced now. No more hiding behind feelings, no more drinking to feel numb, no more break down days. They were going to have a fresh start and a new beginning if it killed her.

Rachel and Santana both looked at Cassandra, their jaws dropped, wondering if her response would be light, sad, or if she was going to explode.

"I'm aware of that," Cass pursed her lips, pausing to stare down at her cereal. Suddenly she wasn't so hungry anymore.

All she could think about now was Shelby. How Shelby was trapped in that apartment with that son of a bitch and her firstborn. How they were going to try to be friends again. How that might turn into something more. How she hoped it would. How Shelby needed out of that apartment and fast.

That's when she had an epiphany.

"What if we—"she stopped herself and put her hand over her mouth, cursing under her breath. She had started talking before she could stop herself and now she knew she was caught. If she suggested what she was about to suggest, they would all know what she was doing last night.

It was important to keep Shelby conversations a secret for now. Otherwise they would make her trash this new relationship with Shelby right away. Whatever it was, they wouldn't give it a chance. At least not right away.

"What if we…what?" Rachel asked. Cassandra sighed. She'd made her bed and now she'd have to sleep in it.

"What if we give the apartment back to Shelby and find a different Manhattan apartment?" she asked lamely, knowing it would start a riot.

The expected uproar ensued.

"Are you out of your ever-loving fucking mind?" Holly yelled at the same time that Santana screamed,

"Are you already drunk this morning?"

"Do you even understand what you're saying?" Rachel demanded.

Cassandra put her head into her hands, shoving her bowl of cereal away from her. She started counting slowly under her breath, trying to drown out all the yelling. Her head was throbbing and she wanted a drink so badly she was willing to sell her soul to the devil: but she knew it wasn't going to solve anything.

They all knew better than to keep yelling when Cass had her hands on her forehead like that, so the anger in their voice died down quickly. Cass was sweating and shaking

She took a few deep breaths and tried to regain her senses.

Finally, after a few moments of peace, she looked up at the members of her family. Her gut was guilty and she wanted to tell them everything about what had happened the night before, but she knew she couldn't. They weren't ready to hear it.

"Look." She took a deep breath and dry swallowed. "Shelby needs out of that apartment."

"She does, but it isn't your job to protect her—"

"Who else is going to do it? The woman is trapped there, Holly, she has no one else in the world!"

"That was her choice!" Holly raised her voice.

Cass widened her eyes at Holly, who had been so passionately against any ideas having to do with Shelby—ever Cassandra's protector—that she hadn't even realized that he voice was still raised.

"Cassie, I know how much you loved her…"

"She's not dead, Holly." Cassandra snapped. "She isn't past-tense. I loved her then, I love her now. Love like that doesn't just go away!" she shook her head incredulously and the close minded nature of the people standing in front of her. She could feel heat rushing to her cheeks.

Shaking her head, exasperated, Holly said, "The fight the two of you had was not little, Cassandra, she abandoned you…"

"You're right," Cass cut her off, knowing what she was going to say. "It wasn't a little fight. But eternal love doesn't put a limit on how big the fight has to be, or what one person said or did to the other. Don't you see it doesn't matter? I love her, Holly. I can't change that. It's something I accepted a long time ago and…" she took a deep, shaky breath, surprised at herself for the words coming out of her mouth. "…and it's not going to go away any time soon."

The room fell silent after that. Everyone looked around at one another, contemplating the next step. All except for Cassandra, that is, who was now staring at the ground in deep thought. Off in a world of her own. One where things weren't so complicated.

Finally, Santana spoke up, "Why doesn't she just call the police?"

Cass shook her head, trying to think of a way to explain everything. It wasn't that simple. "San, it isn't as easy as that. He has a strong hold of her. He beats her. He's got her entire mind manipulated. She's sick. Just like I am with my alcoholism and yes, I admit I'm an addict, she is mentally ill from this domestic abuse. If she calls the police he'll kill her, you heard her tell you that, and after hearing her story I'm not sure he's incapable of it."

"How do you know he really is doing it?" Rachel asked.

With a sigh, Cass's heart started beating faster. It was a valid question, and one she would be willing to answer, if it didn't mean showing Rachel personal photos of her mother.

"She's shown me pictures, Rachel…" Cassie admitted, knowing there was no other way to convince them, as stubborn as they were. "Bruises on her body, scratches…don't you see the desperation in her eyes?"

There was a silence that Rachel filled with more questions. "Why wouldn't we see them in school? She doesn't look as wounded as you're making her out to be. I understand she's in trouble, and I do want to help her but I don't want you to think that means we're some big happy family again. How do I know she's as hurt as you say she is and you aren't just making it up so we'll all rush to her aid?"

It was entirely valid, but it made Cassandra's blood boil. She took a deep breath and said, "Look, you're just going to have to trust me because there is no way in hell that I am letting you see the pictures. They're too personal and the only reason she showed me is because she still trusts me. She's scared, and that's not something I would make up."

"So you've been talking to her? Alone?" Holly concluded. Contrary to Cassandra's previous belief, she didn't sound angry. Just concerned.

Cassandra nodded and responded, "We stayed up talking last night."

Rachel slowly closed her mouth and crossed her arms. If Cass and Shelby were being truthful, she wasn't sure she even wanted to see the pictures.

"I do trust you." Rachel mumbled. "It's her I don't trust. And I don't think you should either."

"That's understandable, Rachel, but right now I'm not playing a trust game with her, I have evidence, okay? She's telling the truth and she needs to get out of that house. You don't know her like I do."

"But how," Holly spoke up, finally decided that if this was what they absolutely were going to talk about, she'd officially join in. "Are you going to get her out of the house without him chasing her down, or killing her? If she's afraid to even call the police? Has he given her permission to leave?"

"I'm not sure." Cass hadn't actually thought about it. "I think he has, as long as she's going back to me. But I'm not convinced he won't still have tabs on her."

"So how do we do this?" Santana asked. She hated Shelby's guts and nothing was going to change her mind. Not a thing. But if this meant making Cassandra feel better, she was all for it. This was something that she, Rachel, and Holly all seemed to silently agree on.

"We," Cassandra motioned to herself, Santana, and Rachel. "Don't do anything. This is something I'm helping Shelby with. I'm not getting the two of you involved. Holly," she turned to her best friend with imploring eyes. "If you don't want to help, I understand, but I would appreciate it if you could get on board with the fact that I am. I'm not going to let her die there, and she is. Slowly."

Holly took a minute to think. Before any of this had happened, she'd never been one to hold grudges so strongly. Especially not towards Shelby and Cassandra. They were her best friends in the whole world, and as much as Shelby had hurt them all, Cassandra was never going to stop. Besides, Holly had to admit to herself every once in a while that she missed Shelby almost as much as Cassandra did, she just didn't show it as often. It was inhumane to leave her in that situation defenseless, no matter who it was.

"I'll help."

"I want to help, too!" Rachel protested. "She's my mother too."

"Since when?" Santana demanded. "Rach, Cassandra's right. We shouldn't get into this." She had changed her mind quickly. At this point, just wanting to please Cassie. If Cass needed them out of the way, they'd listen. She'd never seen Cassandra passionately defend anything before.

Rachel glared at Santana and the tension in the room increased.

"Okay, can we just…" Cass took a breath. "Let's just go to work and school, okay? We can talk about this again later. Put on a happy face," she kissed Rachel and Santana's foreheads and kissed Holly's cheek. "Let's try our absolute best to have a good day, okay? I'm going to get dressed." And with that she went off to her room.

Feeling slightly overwhelmed, Holly took care of the breakfast table and muttered, "So she's talking to Shelby again."

Santana lightly kissing Rachel's cheek in a silent apology when Holly had her back turned. Rachel smiled lightly at her—a gesture of forgiveness.

Holly sighed. "Well I suppose we can't stop her. We're just going to have to let this run its course."

"She's going to get hurt again," Rachel predicted. "And we're all going to suffer for it."

Holly looked at the young brunette who, eight years ago, was climbing excitedly all over Shelby's lap and hugging her tightly, begging her to sing her to sleep at night.

"Let's take one step at a time, sweet cheeks, okay?"