Chapter 9 - Christmastime is Killing Us
Brian and Barbara helped Santa to his feet.
"Are you alright?" Barbara asked.
"I'm okay", Santa wheezed. "I'm okay. I just need to catch my breath."
"I don't understand", Brian said. "I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy?"
"I used to be a long time ago. I made toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work and they loved me. But it just got out of hand. The world's population kept growing and growing. Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys! We used to make wooden choo-choos and ragdolls. You ever tried to make an iPod? I got millions of requests for them!"
"Oh that reminds me", Stewie said not helping. "I need a new version of Quicken."
"Look at the toxic waste we're producing", Santa said pointing at the factory dumping toxic waste in the snow, melting it all, creating a toxic river. "In fact, I think the toxins are taking a bigger toll than the inbreeding."
"Inbreeding?" Brian asked confused.
"Take a look!"
Santa brought everyone inside the factory to show a whole room of disfigured elves making toys. Barbara gasped at the sight.
"How could this have happened?" she asked.
"I started out with one family of magic elves", Santa said. "And every year I needed more and more to keep up! Now they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters. At least 60% of them are born blind. The workload destroys them, but they don't know anything else. It's gotten so that their instincts take over and they walk into the snow and die."
Brian, Stewie, Barbara and Santa watched as an elf went out into the snow and dropped dead. Red eyes began to glow as growls and snarls came close to the body. They saw what looked like mutated reindeer as they mauled the body, tearing it to pieces as they ate it.
"Then the reindeer eat them", Santa continued. "Which has turned them into wild, feral creatures with a bloodlust for elf flesh. I don't even pray for them anymore. Seems pointless. What god would allow this?"
"This is insane!" Barbara said.
"This is in none of the songs or poetry!" Stewie said outraged at all this. "it's a horror show up here!"
"How could you let this happen?" Brian asked.
"Me?" Santa asked. "I didn't do this! Christmas did!"
The elves started tearing the toys apart finally cracking from the pressure of building toys day after day after day.
Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal
As the holiday feeling was filling us.
But now instead, all we're feeling is dread
Because Christmastime is killing us!
Brian, Barbara and Stewie gasped as the elves held candy canes in a point to hang themselves.
Each Christmas list gets us more and more pissed
Till the thought of existence is chilling us.
They watched as the elves were buried under bags of letters from people all over the world.
I'll tell you what. Shove your list up your butt, because…
Christmastime is killing us!
Brian and Barbara held each other too scared to do anything. Stewie cheerfully took a toy off one of the shelves trying to lighten the mood back up.
But can't you see that what you do
Is a dream come true?
Can't you see that every smile
Makes it all worthwhile?
Santa angrily grabbed the toys and threw them to the floor breaking them.
No, screw you! It's all but through,
There's too much to do.
All those dreams are nightmares
And blank, icy stares.
Santa threw him, Brian and Barbara onto the conveyer belt as the elves started the belt to give them a full view of what the North Pole had become.
Each little elf used to fill up a shelf
Making playthings and selflessly thrilling us.
Now they're on crack and it feels like Iraq
Because Christmastime is killing us!
The elves worked miserably to get their toys done in time for Christmas.
Each model train only heightens the pain
Of the workload that's straining and drilling us
Santa showed Brian, Barbara and Stewie how the elves worked 24 hours a day, seven days a week with no breaks in between.
Fingers all bleed. And look! That guy just peed
Because Christmastime is killing us!
Stewie tried to lighten the mood again as he and Brian started getting Santa ready for his Christmas Eve flight.
But can't you see our point of view?
We rely on you.
Can't you see that Christmas cheer
Gets us through the year?
Santa pointed to the elves who lost all control of what they were doing. Some elf tried to sleep on the conveyer belt but the blind elves beat him with hammers, thinking he was a toy.
My whole crew is black and blue.
Can't you take a clue?
You may think I look great,
But I'm twenty-eight!
"28?" Barbara asked confused. "I thought you were supposed to be immortal?"
Santa gave them a closer look at his face, frightening her, Brian and Stewie beyond belief.
Each jingle-bell is a requiem knell,
And while you think it's swell, we are toiling in Hell!
Take a look, you can tell, as a man, I'm a shell!
Because Christmastime is killing us!
Killing us!
Christmastime is killing us!
It was at that point, every elf who had had enough of Christmas hung themselves.