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Warnings: child abuse cutting angst.
I don't own healia.
Chapter 9: Distraught and Crumbling
(Gilbert's POV)
"That was my brother."
Those words hit me like a brick. Brother? Birdie was Alfred's brother? This had to be some kind of sick joke. But the way Alfred was holding his head in his hands. They looked nothing alike. This wouldn't have been bad if Alfred weren't all depressed suddenly. Alfred has never been like this.
This was no lie.
I couldn't leave Alfred grieving in the middle of the lunch room, so I dragged him outside and to the back of the school.
Alfred wore a zoned-out expression. Many emotions that I couldn't register flashed across his face.
"Okay." I stopped and looked Alfred in the eyes. "Explain. Everything."
Alfred took a breath and began to explain in a shaky voice, clearly still unnerved at the sight of his brother. "W-when Mattie was four his birth mom died. He was given to our father and my mother, see we had different moms. His Canadian, mine American. We meant everything to each other. He never seemed to be affected by his mom's death. That was untill two years later..." Alfred trailed off. There were tears in his eyes that threatened to fall.
He continued. "T-there was t-this serial killer t-that was running from t-the cops. H-he broke into our h-house... and he... s-shot our p-parents." Alfred began to cry. I had never seen him cry ever. It must be hard for him to say this. Arthur, Antonio, Francis, and I didn't know about Alfred's past. Alfred tells us everything. This must be the first time he's ever told anyone about this.
"M-mattie and I... w-we watched them get sh-shot. W-we ran out of t-the house j-just before..." Alfred trailed off. "Th-the killer h-he burned o-our house to the g-ground. W-we watched him d-destroy our house with h-him in it."
"You vent through all of that?" I asked.
Alfred nodded.
"The police sh-showed up. T-they asked us questions about our p-parents and what happened. A-after that they sent us to an orphanage. I had been depressed b-because of our parents deaths. M-mattie had kept telling me it would be okay. Not m-much later did I begin to believe it. Th-the thing I noticed though was that h-he had this emotion in his eyes when h-he was trying to calm me down. I re-realized then that he had b-been holding strong since his b-birth mom died. Our dad and his wife d-dying had just c-cracked him m-more and one m-more blow would sh-shatter him. I wouldn't leave his side since then until..." Alfred chocked on his words and gripped onto my jacket. He was about to collapse.
"Th-there were these people that wanted to adopt us... b-but they c-could only a-adopt one of u-us. Th-they chose m-me. I refused t-to leave M-mattie. Th-they had to d-drag me away..." Alfred slid down so that he was sitting down and put his head in his hands again. "I promised I would s-save him. I-i never did. M-mattie is b-broken and i-it's my f-fault."
"How is Birdie broken?" I asked kinda creeped out by what he just told me.
"H-he wasn't like this b-before."
"Like vat?" I am very confused.
"If you k-knew him l-like me i-it's obvious." Alfred reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He began to click a few buttons before showing me the screen. "This is w-what he l-looked like wh-when we w-were six."
I was shocked.
The picture showed a blue eyed boy and a boy with lilac eyes. Alfred didn't look any different except for the age, but Matthew... he looked just barley like he does now. The Matthew that stood in the picture had a smile on his face like it was always there and was holding onto Alfred's hand. Matt's hair was a lighter color and not dulled like it is now. In his arms he held his bear and around his neck was the maple leaf necklace. His eyes were bright and lively, his skin wasn't even close to as pale as he was now, and even his curl seemed more life like than it is now.
I gawked at the picture.
"Th-that's Birdie?" I couldn't believe it. What had happened between Alfred being adopted and now.
"Ya." Alfred confirmed it.
"Ve have to find out vhat happened. Ve need answers." I say concerned at this new found information.
Alfred nodded.
From what I had just seen I could conclude what Alfred had said was right. Something was wrong with Matt.
.
(Matthew's POV)
I watched the crimson. It slid down from my wrist, clashing with my pale skin.
The emotions get held back so much until they finally let go in one stream of pain. They had been held back longer this time. I think it was because of Gilbert. He had seen me and became my friend. There was one thing that tipped me over the edge though.
Alfred.
The only thing I could think of a the time was to run. I'm such a coward.
.
Useless,
Worthless,
A sad excuse for life,
Horrible,
Weak,
An idiot,
An invisible leech,
Disgusting,
Shitty,
Feeble,
Empty,
Meaningless,
Pointless,
.
It didn't matter how you said it. There were thousands of ways I could describe myself. I ran every single word through my mind.
Alfred showing up reminded me of all of those things. I couldn't blame my life, my foster parents, the orphanage or anything. I was supposed to be able to deal with it, but I couldn't. That was me, the weakest point in the chain, ready to finally break.
Just one more hit.
I needed to hold back everything. That was impossible.
.
Impotent,
Lousy,
Ineffective,
Faulty,
Vile,
Deficient,
Rotten,
.
I was thrown around and beaten so many times. I couldn't deal with it. I just couldn't. I couldn't nine years ago and I can't now. I'm so weak.
The memories came tumbling back. How I watched as my birth mother's heart monitor went blank. Me screaming for her to come back to the point the doctors had to sedate me. Being put into a new house. Finding a new family. All of it being ripped away by a psycho. The blood splattering across the living room. My house burning down. Thrown into an orphanage and forcing myself to accept it. Having myself torn from my last safety line. Alfred. Crumbling to a point at which I didn't speak.
It only got worse from there.
.
Appalling,
A curse,
Disgraceful,
Wretched,
Foul,
Despicable,
Rued,
Shameful,
Insignificant,
Sordid,
.
Being six at the time I never learned how I ended up with them. It further cracked me. I know it.
.
I'm lost beyond all return.
At least that's what I think.
Shielding myself away.
Giving in to it.
Waiting for the end.
Wishing for a new beginning.
Loosing hope ever so slowly.
Finding nothing to grab onto.
Invisible.
Shattered into thousands of pieces.
No one bothering to pick them up.
Withheld from the world.
Too scared.
Searching, but finding nothing.
How long has it been?
Trapped.
I've lasted longer than I was supposed to.
Knowing how close I am.
Yet so far away.
Disintegrating.
Falling apart right before their eyes.
They don't see it.
Alone.
At least that's what I think.
.
My salty tears fall onto my cuts and it stings. I don't care. Alfred is a sign it's coming to an end. For better or worse.
With me everything turns out horrible.
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