Part 10:
Sian swallowed hard as she listened intently to Sophie's words, watching her eyes tinged with sadness as she spoke, "it's been fifteen months now and I still wake up expecting her to be sleeping next to me".
The blonde took a deep breath as Sophie took a gulp of her drink, "you must've loved her a lot".
Sophie nodded, "..of course".
Sian swallowed another lump that had formed in her throat - more than me? Oh shut up Sian, could you be more self-involved?
Sophie watched the girl sat opposite shift uncomfortably in her chair, she could tell that maybe the conversation was getting a little deeper than Sian had intended. She asked. Was I supposed to lie? I don't wanna hurt her feelings but I'm not gonna deny Maddie. She was my world at one point, just cause she's gone doesn't mean I'm going to forget her. She showed me that I could love again - when Sian left it felt like I'd never find anyone else to care about. Granted, Sian and Maddie were two different kinds of love, but I wouldn't have traded either of them. Maddie was the love of my life, she was my companion, my safety blanket, she offered me security and my first real adult relationship. She wasn't perfect but I could always depend on her, and I still miss her everyday. Sian? We're soulmates. There's no escaping from that, as much as we may want to or try. She changed my life, without her I may not have discovered who I was so young, I could've been sat here right now still trying to work it out. Sian turned my world upside down and I loved it, it was the happiest time of my life.. And it was the most intense time of my life but there's no one else I would've ever wanted to share it with. We used to be so in sync sometimes it was scary, but being with her was the most fun I'd ever had. My best friend and soulmate all wrapped into one.. I miss her everyday too.
Sian cleared her throat causing Sophie to stir from her daze. "My turn is it?" the brunette asked eagerly.
Sian smiled weakly, "I don't think my answers will be as interesting.."
"I highly doubt that" the younger girl argued. "Magic number?"
The blonde rolled her eyes smirking before taking a few swigs of her drink.
Sophie frowned, "not fair!"
Sian put her glass on the table as she held her palms out innocently, "hey, I don't have to answer if I drink, rules are rules".
"I told you about my three! Come on!"
The bridesmaid glanced at her hand resting on the table, "well it's definitely more than three. Next question".
Sophie sighed, putting the tinge of jealousy that ran through her to the back of her mind. "Okayyy.." she pondered for a second. "..Out of your magic number.. How many were men?!" the biggest smirk ran across Sophie's lips thinking she'd got one over on Sian.
"Well played Webster, well played" Sian congratulated as Sophie bowed her head smiling, before picking it up again looking at the blonde for an answer. "..Two".
"Two?!" Sophie blurted looking almost disappointed.
Sian smiled, "ironically the two of them are in this very room".
Sophie's jaw dropped a little, "..is this including Ryan?!"
"Of course it is!"
"Ah so it's only one since us?"
Sian nodded, "well I had to make sure it wasn't just Ryan that had turned me to women!"
Both girls laughed at that throwing their heads forward, their eyes burning into one another. Sophie calmed her breathing, wiping the corners of her eyes, "okay okay, who?"
Sian sighed sitting back in her chair, she picked up her glass, and with the same handed pointed her index finger over at Ronnie on the dancefloor bracing herself for her ex's reaction.
Sophie followed Sian's finger as the blonde pushed her glass to her lips. Sophie grimaced when her eyes landed on the man Sian had been pointing too, "ugh, really? Maybe not the best specimen to test your attraction to the male gender".
"Oh shut up! It was nice, a drunken mistake, but Ronnie's lovely when you get him on his own -"
Sophie held her hand palm-face out, "stop Sian, I can live long enough without knowing thank you".
Sian smirked at the brunette shaking her head. "You're next question better not be fishing for the number of girls" the older girl warned.
"That many huh?"
Sian cocked her eyebrow, "do you want another question or shall we stop the game there?"
"I'm only joking, don't get mardy" Sophie defended. "Okay, let's get serious.. How many times have you been in love?"
Sian looked to her glass on the table blowing a sharp breath from her lips, "wow, you went straight in there".
Sophie shrugged, "why not? You did".
"You can't just copy all my questions."
"Why not?" Sophie asked casually, "it's where all the juicy gossip lies".
Sian smiled, still not looking at Sophie, "is this since you or my whole life?"
"Urr, let's go your whole life, I'm sure I can do the maths and subtract myself" Sophie quipped.
Sian tilted her head, biting the inside of her cheek. She hesitated her answer, running her finger round the top of her glass to distract herself from Sophie's face. "Once".
"No no, you're whole life. I told you I'd do the math. So that's twice, same as me".
"No.." Sian looked over at Sophie, "I've only ever been in love once".
Sophie looked back at Sian, who could see the cogs slowly turning in the brunette's head until she clicked. She was taken aback slightly, which was clear on her expression, "..oh, oh right".
The bridesmaid smiled weakly at what she called a 'cute' reaction from the younger girl. She watched Sophie as she took a swig of her drink, placing it slowly back on the table hoping the other girl would speak again before it had been put back in it's place – unfortunately Sophie was a bit stunned for words so her glass reached it's destination first. The blonde decided she had to break the awkward silence, "say something then. Ask another question".
Sophie cleared her throat, "sorry, I'm just surprised. To be honest, whenever I thought about you I assumed you'd have settled down by now".
"Sorry to disappoint.. Just haven't wanted to."
"Why?" Sophie had blurted out the question before she'd had time to think about it.
Sian's mouth bobbed open as she tried to think of an answer, because of you. Because I was scared of getting hurt again? Because anyone that came close I ran away from? Because I compared them all to you? Because you ruined my life and made my life all at the same time? Because whenever I'm with someone intimately all I ever do is picture you? She swallowed hard, "guess I just haven't found the one yet".
Sophie looked over Sian's face and she noticed how the older girls lips were curved downwards into a melancholy frown, one that looked as if it sat comfortably, like it had been there a while and had gotten used to the idea of being a permanent fixture. The brunette continued to study Sian's expression; her eyebrows knitted together slightly and that gloomy look in those beautiful blue eyes that had barely left them since the two girls had been reunited. It was as if in that moment Sophie had just noticed how much older her ex-girlfriend looked, she was still stunning of course, the years had been kind to her, but Sian didn't have the same innocence about her she had once had, the same softness. Sophie still admired the exquisiteness of the bridesmaids looks, still thought Sian was the most beautiful thing she'd ever set eyes on, but she looked a little harder somehow, like she had a thicker skin almost.
When Sophie had first ever kissed Sian the first thing the older girl had done was run, push Sophie away and put all her barriers up trying to stop anything that may happen between them. The brunette could feel that the same wall had shown itself again, waiting for her to break it down, only this time Sophie knew she would have to be the one to push it. Sian came to her last time, eventually giving into her feelings, but the younger girl knew that wouldn't be the case today, or any other time in the future. She knew she'd have to work hard on this one, to prove to Sian it was worth the risk again. Even if it was to see that sparkle in her favourite blue sapphires for just one more minute.
"Maybe you've already found them" Sophie said, watching as Sian scoffed.
"I'd like to think I'd have noticed".
Sophie bit on her bottom lip watching the older girls defeated look, "..maybe they're staring you right in the face".
Sian locked eyes with Sophie, both of them sharing the softest of smiles knowing all the 'what ifs' were now crashing through both of their minds, travelling as if at the speed of light. "Another lifetime maybe".
Sophie swallowed hard at Sian's dismissiveness, how she hated that wall. "..What do you reckon we'd be like now? If we were still together?"
Sian raised her eyebrows, "is that your next question? 'Cause I thought we were meant to be finding out about what we'd been up to not mulling over what could've beens".
"Well you must think about it sometimes" Sophie insisted.
Sian shook her head, "not really".
"Liar."
The two girls looked into eachothers eyes, both wondering where this conversation was going. Sophie hoping that if she pushed Sian enough it would get her some real answers; as jealous that she had been listening about the blonde and other people none of that mattered. She didn't need to hear about uni, or what jobs she had or where she was living. She cared about now and the fact that she had already fallen back under that Powers spell and how anxious she was to get some sort of sign from Sian that she was feeling just a hint the same way. Sian on the other hand was just trying to work out how to run away from the conversation, spending time with Sophie today was all she'd been dreaming of for the past five years but it was getting too much. Maybe Christine had been right, maybe this was a bad idea talking to her ex, but she had begged the bride for just this one night to have time with the girl that made her the mess she was right now. But she was starting to forget why, it was all getting too intense. She had got carried away in the game with Sophie, they were having fun, but every time the brunette had answered a question or would make a comment that was even the slightest bit suggestive it reminded Sian that the Webster was no longer hers. Of course, before today she hadn't forgotten that, she'd had fifty-seven months to get used to the fact. But just now, while they'd been drinking and sharing stories it was like old times; her heart had been lulled into a false-sense of security and every now and then reality would give it a good old bash to make sure it had still been ticking.
Sian could feel Sophie's eyes burning into her own and it made her whole body radiate. She was suddenly aware of the heat in the room making her feel claustrophobic. She needed air and quick. She needed to get out of this room and away from this situation as fast as she could.
The blonde stood up from her seat, "Urr.. I'm going to get another drink.. Want one?"
Sophie shook her head breaking their heated gaze, bowing her head disappointed.
The blonde watched the younger girl for a moment, before turning her body away ready to leave, but a warm hand on her wrist stopped her and she looked back to see Sophie's soft skin wrapped around her own.
"Why won't you have this conversation with me Sian?"
"..What conversation?" the older girl asked trying to feign innocence.
"The one you've been trying to avoid all day, but we both know you want to have" Sophie stated, her eyes meeting Sian's again.
But as soon as the brunette had locked eyes with her ex, the blonde had broken the gaze turning to the floor. She stayed like that for a moment, both girls making the most of the physical contact they were sharing, as meagre as it was.
It took a few seconds but Sian took the silence as her opportunity to escape and moved her arm from Sophie's grip walking out of the room. The younger girl just sat and watched her go, not knowing what to do next for the best. It was obvious she had pushed Sian into a corner, but it was also obvious she hadn't taken it far enough. She needed Sian, her whole body was aching for her and if the only way to make the blonde see that was to push her from her comfort zone then that's what Sophie needed to do.
Sian hurried passed the other guests in the hotel bar, slamming her glass down on it as she went by, rushing to get out to the front, knowing other guests would be in the gardens at the back of the building.
Once she had ran down the stairs at the front entrance she stopped by the stone banister outside letting the cool air hit her face, it was a warm Septembers evening and the sun had just gone down making the night dark. The hotel lamps by the front entrance illuminated Sian's face as she closed her eyes inhaling deeply and taking a breath, the air filling her lungs and expanding her chest. She exhaled slowly, letting her eyes flicker open gently, staring out at the grand driveway in front of the hotel. She leant against the stone, letting her body relax as she calmed having escaped the situation inside. Her thoughts of the day ran slowly through her mind and she instantly regretted ever acknowledging Sophie was at this wedding. She would never have been able to have ignored her when she first walked up that aisle but she shouldn't have engaged in conversation with her, a polite hello may not have done any harm but now she was in too deep. She had gone back in time to square one and she knew tomorrow she'd have to start the grieving process all over again. She'd go back to the days of not being able to get out of bed, wallowing in self-pity, waiting for the phone to ring and it all be declared a big mistake. She'd watch endless amounts of romantic movies and scream profanities at the screen. She'd finally understand what all the break up songs were about, relating every single record to one person. She'd spend her nights going to bed early in the hope that she'd wake up sooner and realise it was all a horrible nightmare. She'd visit random bars and pick up the first thing that paid her any attention to try and get her mind to forget the person her heart couldn't. And if she didn't manage to pull she'd get blind drunk and resist the temptation to dial the only phone number she'd ever learnt off by heart.
She sighed pressing the palms of her hands down on the cold stone of the banister and closed her eyes once again. She hung her head low, muttering under her breath trying to pull herself together. You're not some lovesick teenager anymore, get a grip! You spend nine hours with her and it's like your whole world's caved in! Get real! The day's nearly over, just wait until Christine and Ryan are tucked up and then you can make your ex-
Sian's thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice, which immediately caused her heart to jump in her throat and her eyes to open being met with the stone banister she was leant on.
"..Sian?"