A/N: Sorry again for updating so late. I'm in the middle of my exams, and I still have two left. I know this update have no Serenate, and sorry to all of you who expected them to be in every chapter. But they'll be coming back strong in the next one. Please read and review! :D
"So tonight I'll be your Brooklyn
So cool and yet so far away
Just tell me what you want for me to say
And if it brings you home.
I guess it's safe to say
We both could use this fire escape
Cause I've been breathin' ashes in
And I've been waiting for something to carry you away"
"I was scared. I knew we couldn't last.I…"
"I took an abortion and not a day goes by without me regretting it. I feel like I'm being punished for it now. My husband and I tried, but nothing happened. And when you look how things turned out, I think that was for the best."
"But the abortion.. I wish I could take it back"
"I wish I could travel back to my old self and tell her that you have to enjoy the little things in life, for someday you will realize they were the big things. That day is now. The little things like a look, a hug, holding a hand. Looking into someone's eyes and feel both adored and empowered. It was life is about, all the small gestures we just forget. They passes us by and we don't appreciate it. I didn't. And I chose to end a life… Because I didn't really see those little things. See him."
"And I so desperately want to go back and change it. I was so stupid, so selfish. So completely blind. What I had was a good thing. And I ruined it. And why? Because I thought I was better than him? He is ten times better than all of us and I could live a hundred lifetimes without deserving him. I know that. And I could've been a mother now, had I just gotten past my fears. Seen what I see so clearly now. "
"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep reading the last one over and over. One day I have to get passed the could-have-beens. The things that weigh on my mind. On the other side of that, there might be happiness for me too. And maybe a family and hopefully pure, true love."
"I just want to be happy."
He knows he could be the one to make her happy. He has always known that. But as sure as he was, she always doubted it.
He couldn't be the one to give her everything she imagined she needed.
Dan wanders around his apartment, trying to stop thinking about her and the novel he sent to his publishers.
He still hasn't heard anything from them and it's almost been four weeks.
All he can think about is Blair, what her reaction will be to the book and if there ever will be a book for her to read.
He feels like a teenager again. Like he is still an outsider. Still a pawn in this big game where everyone around him is kings and queens.
Once all he wanted was to be on the inside. He kind of is now, but at the same time he never will be.
He knows that, fully accepts it.
And it doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't need it, doesn't want it.
All he wants is Blair.
He sighs and looks at his computer.
A new mail.
He feels his pulse increase.
"We loved it, Dan. I've sent it through. Great job, my bosses are ecstatic. This really is a love story for the ages."
He feels completely numb. This was what he wanted, but was so scared of too.
Now he has to tell Blair.
Details she wants to escape, things she has buried long time ago, they are all coming out now. People will read it.
They hopefully won't know or understand it.
But she will.
He has to talk to her.
She needs to hear this from him.
A love story for the ages.
If only so.
"I have one more secret. Something that would have changed everything. If I hadn't kept it, things would probably be different now. I wouldn't be sitting her, I wouldn't be getting a divorce. And Serena would maybe have not left again. I… It was incredibly selfish, what I did…What I've kept."
"It's not only mine secret. I kind of share it with someone. But not fully. Because I lied, I manipulated a situation for my benefit. And I think that it have backfired on me. I made a mistake and now it's too late. Or not really. But the secret isn't mine to tell. Not now. "
"We all have them don't we? Secrets."
"Mine are just bigger and darker than many others."
"And I know I can't escape them, they'll haunt me forever if I don't get them of my chest."
"But I'm not sure I'm ready to face the music just yet."
Dan is standing outside her door.
He doesn't know if she is ready for him to visit. If she is ready for anyone or anything at all.
But he needs to see her, talk to her.
It's important that he gets to tell her about the book.
The damage will be so much bigger if she finds out from someone else.
He knocks three times and walks inside.
To his surprise he finds her standing over her suitcases packing.
She turns around and looks at him, her face a mix of joy and angst.
"Are you leaving already?" He asks cautiously.
She nods and turns away again.
"My therapist said I'm ready." She whispers and he walks towards her.
She feels her whole body starting to shake, it feels like she's loosing all control.
Tears starts pressing and she lets them come, finds it freeing.
He stops right behind her, lays his hand gently on her lower back.
The small gesture sends shivers down her spine.
And it only makes the shaking worse.
"Don't you feel ready?" He whispers, still with his hand securely on her back.
She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes.
"I feel ready, it's just…" She stops, knows her feelings makes no sense now.
She feels completely ready, but at the same time not.
She feels strong, but fragile and weak right after.
"I can't go back there now, not all by myself… It's just…" She sits down at the bed, her hands in her lap.
She stares at her fingers, can't bare to look at him.
"Too much has happened." He finishes for her and she simply nods.
He sits down by her side.
Has completely forgotten all about the thing he came there to tell her.
All he sees now is her. All he thinks about is making her happy. Make her smile again, make her feel secure.
"You can.." He starts, swallows nervously.
"You can come and live in my apartment."
She turns to look at him, blinks and a tear escapes from her eyelash.
He gets the urge to catch it.
But sits completely still.
The tension between them almost unbearable.
His hand moves slowly over the bed, he pauses the movement when it lays next to hers. He gently moves on finger to her hand, she doesn't freeze at his touch nor does she move her hand. He just strokes her skin with his pinky finger and after a while he covers her whole hand with his.
She thinks that nothing has ever made her feel more loved.
And that breaks her heart a little.
Because she let this go. She let him go.
That might very well rank as her biggest mistake to date.
As his hand lays securely on hers she feels like it's okay to breathe again. Like it's possible.
And she feels stronger in an instant and more secure.
He always makes her feel safe.
"Do you…"
"Do you still have the keys to the loft?" She asks quietly, her voice so vulnerable.
He looks at her, his eyes full of surprise.
Then he nods slowly.
He understands whys she wants to go there.
For a while it was her safe place.
He hasn't been there in a while.
The place holds so many memories he wants to forget, but at the same time knows he never will. And a part of him wants to keep them all, the good and the bad.
They'll always be a part of him.
He turns on the lights and starts walking around.
Blair sits down at the coach, breathes out and just watches him pace around.
Dan stops by a little round table, takes up a picture.
Blair observes him, sees his hand shake a little.
"Jenny?" She asks quietly, wants to thread lightly.
He nods. Shakes off the tears that presses.
He walks towards her and sits down next to her.
"It's been over five years, but I still..." He shakes his head over and over.
There are no words.
"I don't think you can ever get over that, I don't think you're supposed to."
She whispers and reaches out to take his hand.
It feels so natural all of a sudden.
To touch him, to be close to him.
He nods, looks down at their intertwined hands.
The words she said could very well have been about them too.
He's not able to let her go.
Not even after all these years, after everything.
"It's been hard." He takes a breath.
She simply nods, understands.
But she doesn't.
Because he isn't talking about Jenny anymore.
He is talking about her.
"It's been hard seeing you with him."
She freezes at the words, automatically pulls her hand away from him.
She didn't expect that.
"It killed me to watch you marry him. It killed me to sit at your dinner table watching you two hold hands. And even more, it killed me that it bothered me so much. Because Nate is my best friend and I.." I love you.
He pauses.
"I wanted you to be happy. And all you wanted was him."
A tear slips down her cheek.
He gently wipes it away with his fingertip.
She doesn't know what to say now.
All she can think about is his lips on hers.
And the baby.
She starts thinking about their baby.
That just means more tears. More tears for him to catch.
Dan moves a little closer to her, his face inches from hers.
Their breaths feels like one.
He lays his hand on her cheek and gently removes her hair behind her ear tip.
She closes her eyes and breathes in.
Their lips are so close. She feels his breath on her skin.
She feels so alive.
He is starting to close the little gap between them when se pulls away.
"I can't do this..." She whispers.