A Fallen Star (Kira Yamato) Entry Ten

Akane: Hey everyone! I'm sorry about the wait! Hopefully life (and anime conventions) don't keep stealing away my attention. :P

Isu-chan: ....

Akane: Oh! Right, disclaimer! I do not own any rights to Gundam Seed, but I do own Mai and the original plot around her!

Isu-chan: Good.

Akane: ^_^ Thanks for putting up with me people! R&R!

P.S: I'm going to try the double spacing for this story, so tell me which way you prefer!

"The greatest pain that comes from love is loving someone you can never have."
Anonymous

ENTRY TEN: PAIN

As I ran, I felt my heart tear in two.

Athrun, who had always been with me, thought I had betrayed him and left him alone.

Kira, the one who I had fallen in love with, brushed away my feelings as if they meant nothing.

How was I expected to move on? Ignore the aching in my heart in order to continue the journey I had chosen?

-

She didn't remember how she got there, how long it took her, but she did remember why she was there.

Mai focused her vision on the screen as she typed, the remains of her tears constantly blocking the view. She could barely hear the voices below, of all the people scurrying around. Mewmo crawled back into the bag at her feet, tired of constantly being ignored. She couldn't remember going to her locker, let alone getting the bag from there.

"Ensign Hitamaru, you're not needed this time." Marrue's voice echoed over the comlink. "Lieutenant La Flaga already has it covered."

A nearby village, called Tassel, had been attacked by the Desert Tiger. All those people; Mai had to make sure they were safe.

"No….. I…" she swallowed hard, trying to gain back her voice. "I'll go too, just in case."

"It'll be nice to have some company," Mu told the Captain.

"Then I'll go to!" Kira's figure appeared on the comlink, but she refused to look.

"You should stay here." Mai snapped quietly. Her body tightened, her hands gripping the levers at her sides.

Kira tried to argue, but Mai switched off the Ecran's power and rebooted the system. Once she was ready, she braced herself for the launch, not wearing the proper equipment. She didn't understand why she had gone to her locker, but hadn't changed into her battle suit.

Before she knew it, she was flying towards the flames.

-

"Whoa…. Talk about total destruction."

"How horrible…" she whispered, adding on to Mu's own mumbling.

All around her, flames and smoke rose to the sky. It was actually quite a large village, spanning about a kilometre of land. Flames were all she could see.

"Yeah… Mai, look to your left. Do you see it?"

She turned, eyeing her surroundings to find what he meant. A few seconds later, she saw them, all gathered on top of a hill away from the town. She gasped.

Mu reported in what they found as Mai landed on the sand.

"More precisely a large number of people seem to be just fine. I don't understand how --" She heard Mu say, before the cockpit closed behind her and cut him off.

With her bag in hand, she ran towards the villagers. The Lieutenant followed shortly after.

Mai ran to one of the mothers', who was trying to calm her young daughter down. The small child was crying, covering the gash on her knee so the mother couldn't touch it. As she kneeled down in front of the child, she ignored the stares of the others. She managed to calm the girl down enough to clean and wrap the wound, before the sound of engines filled the area and the men jump out of the vehicles to run to their families. She watched them cry, happy to be reunited safely.

Mai frowned; watching them reminded her how happy she had always been when her brother returned from war.

She felt a hand rest on her shoulder when she stood, and realized she had been shaking. Taking a deep breath, she turned to Mu and smiled the best she could. They continued to watch the reunions as Natarle stepped out of another vehicle and joined them.

"How many of our people were killed?" Sahib asked the oldest man in the center of the people, who had made a circle around them.

The man shook his head. "Not one life has been sacrificed."

Mai was amazed and relieved, but also puzzled; why would someone attack a village, but not kill anyone? The Desert Tiger had the perfect opportunity to strike, waiting for the troops to arrive and ambush them. But he didn't.

He left instead.

"They issued a warning ahead of time," he explained. "He said that they were setting fire to the town and told us to run away." Mai listened to the murmurs surrounding her, and noticed Cagalli at Sahib's side. The expression on her face was the same as her own.

"And then they set everything ablaze! Food, ammunition, fuel; everything." The man sighed, looking down to the ground as he sat on a wooden box.

Mai stepped away from Mu and towards the man, earning a look from Sahib as she stepped beside him.

"Sir, what's wrong with simply knowing no one was killed?" she questioned him. "Everyone's alright! That should be the most important thing!"

"We might not have suffered any casualties, but what happens now? How are we expected to live?"

"That dirty, mange dog!" Sahib snapped. "What's going through that bastards head?"

"But –" Mai started, but Mu interrupted her.

"Survival is possible, you know. As long as you're alive." Sahib turned to him. "It appears as if the Tiger has no intention in engaging in a serious battle with you."

"What do you mean by that?"

"This must be payback for what you did to there force last night. I have to say, it's pretty generous of the guy to let you guys off with something as minor as this."

Cagalli went to slap him, but Mu backed away from her in time. "You call this minor?! Having a town burn to the ground is nothing to you? How could you even think of something like this as generous?!"

He raised his hands in an apologetic manor. "I'm sorry if I offended you in anyway; however, the enemy are professional soldiers, so I'm sure that even you can conceive that if they were serious the situation would be much worse."

"That man is nothing more then a coward! He burns down this town when we're not even here and thinks of it as a victory?!"

As she listened to Cagalli continue to rant, she tried to imagine the Desert Tiger in her head. She knew she had met him before, during one of the many times her father had dressed her up to show her off to the other council members.

"Ah, Miss Zala," she remembered him say as they shook hands. He was younger then her father, with short, messy brown hair. "I'm a big fan of your music, so don't stop singing okay?" He was always smiling whenever saw him, so thinking that someone like him would do this…

She looked back to see Cagalli glaring at Mu harshly. He noticed it too, and scratched the back of his head. "Oh yeah, the Tiger; what a detestable guy."

-

As he drove, he kept glancing at the flowers in the seat beside him to distract himself from news and the signs all around. Even though it had been a whole month, his sister's disappearance was still top news.

Visiting Lacus was something he always had to do whenever returning to the PLANTs, usually after seeing his father and sister. His father was refusing visitors, so that was out of the question. One of the maids had brought him a civilian outfit so he wouldn't walk around in uniform. Athrun didn't really care; he was dreading going to the empty home anyways.

"Miss Lacus has been waiting for you," the butler told him when he arrived.

He stepped inside the front hall, suddenly feeling both nauseous and nervous. He hadn't been to see Lacus at her home since his sister had dragged him there over a month ago.

"I know you probably have other things you need to do today, but I want to talk to her about an idea I had for a new song! Please; how often do we go together?"

He shifted the flower bouquet from his left hand to right as he waited for her.

"It's nice to see you again, Athrun." He heard, followed by a chorus of Haro's.

Athrun turned, noticing he was surrounded by his own creations. "I apologize for being late."

Lacus giggled and made her way down the stairs. "I didn't even notice."

After handing her the flowers, the two headed for the garden, the Haro's jumping around as the two walked.

"Doesn't it ever come to a point that they just become a nuisance?"

"They're more excited then usual, because they're quite fond of you. After all Athrun, it's been quite a while since you last visited the house."

Lacus called to one of the Haro's after giving the flowers to one of the maids. It was a dark blue colour, a little brighter then the navy Haro. Athrun frowned as he watched her walk away. He remembered why he painted them different colours in the first place; Mai had insisted it, telling him that each one would represent one of them, so Lacus would never be alone. He only started with the two different coloured blues and the pink one, but made more of them as time moved on.

"Why don't we make it a moustache today…."

Athrun looked up from his tea in time to see Lacus pick up one of the pens on the table. She drew a curved line on each side and giggled, holding it out in front of her. "There we go!" Lacus tossed the Haro into the air, and watched it bounce towards the field. "The one with the moustache is it!"

Athrun sighed.

-

"I'm sorry I didn't make it in time for the memorial service," he apologized quietly.

Pouring him another tea, she smiled softly. "That's alright. I prayed for your mother… I was certain you wouldn't mind if I did so on your behalf."

"Thank you, I'm grateful. And… what about the funeral service?"

"Well… that isn't up to me, now is it? You weren't there to see it, even though thousands were. If she knew that, wherever she is, she'd be sad."

Athrun looked away, not wanting the discussion to go any further. Lacus was the only one he knew that wouldn't admit Mai was dead.

Lacus saw the look on his face, and decided against continuing.

"When I heard you were coming back to the PLANTs, I couldn't help but hope you would come to see me. The Haro's have been quite sad since Mai's disappearance. Will you be staying long this time?"

It made him mad, how happy she still was while he had been a wreck.

"I can't be sure… the schedule they give me is never really set."

"I understand there has been a recent increase of people joining the military. There was something on the news yesterday about it, too. A number of my friends have even joined as volunteer soldiers." A bird jumped onto her hand, where she held small crumbs for it to eat from the cookie platter on the table. "I can't help but feel this war is intent on getting bigger, and nothing will stop it."

Athrun sighed again. "You might be right about that. It's sad, but true."

Lacus thought about a way to get him to open up more, a topic that might get him to talk. There was only one thing she could think of, but was unsure of his reaction.

"By the way, I wonder how is doing lately." She watched Athrun's head snap in her direction. "Have you had a chance to see him since then?"

Athrun turned away again, remembering the last time he fought his friend, and the new mobile suit that got in his way. "I believe he's somewhere on Earth; there was someone new that kept stopping me from getting to him, so I expect he's doing just fine."

"The two of you have been friends for a long time, haven't you?"

Athrun nodded. "Yeah… since we were about four or five years old. Mai and myself we living on the moon in those years, and I met him there. It all changed when signs of the war broke out, and we decided to obey my father's orders to go back to the PLANTs. I was under the impression that he would be joining us later."

His grip on the table tightened, and Lacus felt it shake. Loosing his mother and sister, and fighting his best friend…. She knew he wasn't emotionally stable.

Lacus raised the bird on her finger closer to her face, where it chirped happily. "I had a discussion with him about Haro, and he said it sounded like you hadn't changed at all. It seemed to cheer him up a lot."

Athrun slowly turned to look at her as she did the same, a smile wide on her face. "Birdy; that was something else you made, especially for him. From what I could gather, he was taking very good care of it."

"What, Birdy? He still has that thing?"

"Yes, I saw him many times with it on his shoulder."

"Huh, is that so…"

Still smiling, Lacus looked out to the ocean they could easily see from the top of the hill the mansion rested on. "I admire her."

-

"Hey! Where are you going?!"

Mai didn't look back at him while she ran to the Ecran. Mu had told him what the members of Desert Dawn were going to do, and she had to either stop them or protect them; the enemy had BuCUEs, so something like this would be suicide.

"I have to help them!"

The second she sat down, the Ecran was up and running, ready for anything she wanted. She knew they were sending Kira after her, to help in the fight that was coming up, but she wanted to ignore that.

When she flew, she watched the small vehicles race forward, until the enemy was visible through the dunes. One of the vehicles fired at a BuCUE, only to be crushed in return. Mai noticed another vehicle in front of the 3 BuCUEs, and realized that the Tiger was riding in it. Her first thought was to go after him, but the people needed her help more.

A BuCUE jumped up, threatening to crush a lonely Dawn vehicle that scrambled away. The Ecran rammed itself into the BuCUE mid-air, disturbing the sand around where it fell. She had managed to save one, but two more exploded behind her.

"No!" she cried out.

She turned; a BuCUE's left side collapsed, but the ones in the jeep were sent flying. Mai recognized Cagalli, her bodyguard, and a boy younger then her. Cagalli was running for the boy, but the enemy saw it too. Quickly, one of the Ecran's hands shot out to protect them as it raised a paw, and they were locked in a struggle.

"Run, Cagalli!!"

Mai knew she heard when the blonde looked up, then continued to run. Another of the BuCUE's charged at her from behind, slashing at the Ecran's right side and digging through the metal. Mai screamed; even inside the cockpit, the attack was close enough to pierce her skin. She felt the metal dig into the skin, and the warm blood drenched her side. Mai tried to spit out the taste of it in her mouth.

Suddenly, the pressure was released.

"Mai!" she heard Kira call out.

Even though the pain was gone, removed from the Strike pulling off the second BuCUE, Kira's presence made her panic. Her eyes went wide, her heart began to race, but there was also another kind of pain there. One she had when hearing his voice.

She didn't answer him, just forced the Ecran to push the first BuCUE to the sand. She was relived her mobile weapon was still able to move, even after the damage it sustained. To her left, she saw the third enemy coming straight at them, not faltering for an instant. The one that Kira had attacked pulled away from him and joined it, circling around him.

"Mai!" Miriallia's voice came from her radio. Part of it must have been destroyed; the voice was fuzzy.

"I-I'm okay."

"You don't sound okay!"

"Mai, go back to the ship!"

One too many voices; Mai's vision became blurry, but she could still see Kira was taking a beating by the remaining BuCUE's.

Even though her feelings would not be returned, her guardianship ignored, she wouldn't ignore this.

She still wanted to protect him, because she still knew her feelings, and would not throw them away.

The Ecran rose, turning in time to witness the explosion nearby. Kira had destroyed the second BuCUE. The third started to retreat, and the first rammed into her again before following. Her Gundam lost all power.

Eying the Ecran, Kira stepped down from the Strike and towards the small group of people and rubble in front of him. Cagalli was one of them. He finally turned away and stared straight at her, a look of disrespect on his face.

"Are you trying to get yourselves killed? In a place like this, there's absolutely no reason for any of you –"

"That's the last straw!" Cagalli snapped at him, running up to him and grabbing his collar, pulling him down to her. "You heartless moron!" She motioned to her side, where the body of the young boy named Ahmed lay. "They all fought desperately! We're all fighting desperately! All so we can protect the things and people most important to us!"

Suddenly, Kira couldn't take it anymore. He slapped her, removing her hands from his collar. All around, the men gasped.

"What the hell can you protect when feelings are the only weapon you've got?!"

She stared up at him in shock, and saw how he glared back in anger. Cagalli had never seen him so upset.

The moment ended quickly.

"Hey!" one of the men yelled. "Someone help! That girl is bleeding!"

Kira spun around, his eyes searching for the one the man was talking about. He saw her lying on the sand, her bag beside her. As he ran to her, the blood became clearer, and in panic, called out for help.

-

"You know, I could tell you didn't really want to be there."

Athrun sighed. Nicol had been pushing the same thing ever since his piano recital ended.

He had been invited to watch his friend play that night, and promised to be there. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to go; it was just that the music was more depressing then he thought it would be.

Mai had loved the piano.

"It's not that. I wanted to go, really."

Nicol frowned. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have asked you to come… not when you're still in this stage."

Athrun knew his friend hadn't wanted to say 'grieving', so he didn't say anything in return.

The piano recital had been held in a nearby military base, but they weren't required to be in uniform. It was a weird feeling for Athrun, watching everyone else in the familiar outfits. Some of them gathered in small circles, chatting away, while others ran around delivering papers. Athrun turned to speak to his friend, but only collided with another body.

He heard the sound of paper, which was all he could see as the notes floated to the ground. The girl he had bumped into groaned, balancing herself again and kneeling down to collect the pieces. For a minute, all he could do was stare; transfixed by her for some unknown reason.

"Sorry," she sighed, "I didn't mean to hit you; I just couldn't see where I was going with all those records."

Athrun bent down to help her, taking in more of her appearance as he did.

Her long hair was a green color, just long enough to reach her shoulder blades. It was currently tied back in a loose braid, highlighting her face. He couldn't help but notice the unique eyes, a dark blue with a swirl of purple. She was wearing the familiar female ZAFT uniform, but in red, which showed her status was higher then those in the dark green.

He felt as if he should remember her; as if he'd seen her before.

"No, I wasn't looking either."

They stood with all the papers, finally piled again in her hands. She stared, almost as if examining him. He felt a little uncomfortable, until she smiled slightly.

"Are you in ZAFT?" she questioned slowly, as if asking herself the same question. "I don't think I've seen you around here."

"Actually –"

"Athrun!" he heard someone call, cutting him off. Athrun realized for the first time since Nicol had apologized that his friend hadn't even been by his side until he saw the younger boy running back to him. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Athrun started. But when he opened his mouth to continue, Nicol's eyes wandered away from him to the girl.

"Shaina? Why are you here?"

She laughed. "What? Why else do you think? To see your recital, silly."

"You were there? I didn't see you."

"Well, I had to sort of 'sneak' away from the academy, so hiding in the corner was the only way I wouldn't get caught."

Nicol laughed with her. "I don't get how your students even learn anything from you!"

Athrun watched them for a little longer, still concentrating on where he had seen the girl before. He realized the badge on her left shoulder, a dove shape, meant she was a teacher at the new academy nearby. She was about the same age as him, so something like that was a great accomplishment. It meant she either taught strategy or actual combat. He imagined her doing both; teaching in front of a group of students the same age as her, each with pens and paper, or showing them which lever did what inside a GINN.

"Hey Athrun? You remember Shaina, right?"

Athrun suddenly forced himself back to reality, where his friend was staring at him, expecting an answer. The girl laughed, her answer beating him before he could think.

"It's been a while; I'm sure he doesn't remember me."

So they had met; again, Athrun wondered where.

Nicol, giving up on his friend's lack of conversation, introduced them. "Athrun, this is Shaina, my older sister."

It clicked in then, seeing her face and hearing her name. He didn't think why it had taken him so long to figure it out. His mind was swirling, distracted by another thought.

Shaina Amalfi.

A friend of his sisters. One of the four girls she had always been with, laughing, talking, and fooling around. It was rare that any of them went somewhere without another. It was around the same time he met Kira.

"I don't blame you for not remembering me," she started, smiling as she adjusted the weight in her hands. "We haven't seen each other in about three years. Since –"

He watched her freeze, stopping herself before she said a name all of them didn't want to hear. Shaina's smile faded slowly.

They stood in silence.

-

Her sight was the first sense that returned to her.

The rest came slowly. A barrage of scents attacked her nose, suffocating her when we took her first breath; Rubbing alcohol, floor wax, bleached linens, blood, sweat.

Tears.

Next, she could hear the beep of the machine she knew she was attached to. She wondered how much her body depended on it. When she could feel her body, move her fingers, she expected pain. She waited, but it never came.

Mai looked around the white room, searching for a sign to tell her how long she was asleep. Nothing.

She pulled off the mask and sat up, only feeling stiff from lying down for so long. Again, no pain. The white dress became visible once she pulled away the sheets, but she saw her uniform folded on a chair nearby. While she changed, she noticed the blood soaked bandages wrapped around her waist. If she was wounded, why was there no pain?

She tested it, pressing her hand against the spot. Still nothing.

Slowly, she started peeling it off. There was proof that there was a wound, but as if it already had weeks to heal. It wasn't bleeding, and the wound had closed over and crusted. Once she finished changing, she opened the door and stepped out into the hallway.

"Mai! What're you doing?!"

Miriallia ran up to her, Tolle following close behind. She held onto Mai, as if the wounded girl would collapse without her help.

Mai blinked, her brain slow to realize what was going on. "Miriallia? It's okay, I'm alright."

"Are you crazy?" she questioned madly. It reminded Mai of a worried mother who pulled her child away from something like a stone fence they wanted to walk on.

"The doctor said you wouldn't be up for at least a week!" Tolle said, hurrying to her other side to balance her. "You lost so much blood!"

Mai struggled against them, freeing herself from their hands. "Listen! I'm okay, really!"

"I was there, Mai! I helped them bandage you up! There's no way you can be fine!"

Before Mir could reach out to her again, Mai raised her shirt enough for them to see where the wound had been. They froze; Miriallia raised her hands to her mouth and gasped.

"That's…. not possible."

-

"How long was I asleep? I thought it'd been at least a week."

They were on the way to see the Captain now, to tell her about Mai's recovery. It had been her idea; she wanted Marrue to know she was able to move now.

"No, the fight only happened two days ago." Mir answered her softly. She was still hovering, making sure she was there if her friend really wasn't okay.

"Have I missed anything?"

"Not really; Lieutenant Badgiruel went with some soldiers to get more supplies for the trip. Captain Marrue and Lieutenant La Flaga are making plans, and Kira went in town to get some little things for us."

Mai frowned, her legs went numb, but she continued to walk. This was a pain she didn't want; she'd gladly take the pain of her waist over it. She remembered what had happened before, why her heart felt so empty. She remembered her brother wasn't the only reason her heart ached. Kira was another reason, his relationship with Flay, not her. She hated it.

And yet, some part of her longed to see him and make sure he wasn't hurt.

"Hey!" They heard in the distance. "What the hell is he doing?!"

Hearing the familiar metal groan of a Gundam, Mai took off at a run. Mir and Tolle called after her, but she didn't stop. Mai ran into the hanger, grabbing a rail to stop herself from falling. The Strike was moving, but not very well.

Her first thought was it wasn't Kira, it couldn't have been. He wouldn't move so sloppy.

But who was there? Who would dare even try piloting such a machine?

"Could someone tell me what the hell's going on here?" The mechanic snapped, walking beside the Strike with his crew. It was moving so slow that they could keep up to it.

Mai saw La Flaga, with Flay appearing nearby. Tolle and Mir came up to Mai, and stopped in their tracks.

"Who's in there?" La Flaga called out. No one knew. Who would have a reason?

Mai started running again, finally figuring out who it was; who was desperate enough to try. She didn't think about the possible ifs or the maybes.

Sai loved Flay.

Sai, the one person who could even begin to understand Mai's pain.

The Strike collapsed to its knees. She ignored the other's yelling at her and scrambled to reach the cockpit. She could hear his screams of pain once she was close enough, but knew he was not hurt.

How long would it take them both to heal?

It was hard for me to notice, because it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Every time she showed me kindness, I didn't think of her reasons. I was just happy enough that someone cared.
It took me until now to realize we shared the same pain.

Sai Argyle

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