Chapter 10.
Jealousy.
BPOV
After mine and Edward's talk about me and my personality, Edward was behaving, differently. Distanced. I didn't know why he was behaving this way, but I had a suspicion that it was to do with me. And that hurt me. To know that I was the reason for his behaviour, for him ignoring me whenever I looked at him or when I tried to speak to him. I didn't want to feel hurt by his actions and sometimes he looked as if he didn't want that either, but I couldn't be sure.
"Bella?" I turned around immediately to see him standing there, leaning against the wall staring at me intently. My heart gave a little jump.
"Are you talking to me now? Because I had a feeling you were ignoring me." I said, his face immediately dropped and I felt sick to the stomach. I had hurt him, great.
"I'm not ignoring you, "He finally told me, "I'm just doing something I should of done years ago. Keeping my distance."
I had no idea what he was talking about, "What?"
He shook his head, "Let's just say, it's not good for you to be around me."
I stood up and picked up my bag, "I still don't have a clue what you're on about. And you know what? I don't care anymore." That was the biggest lie I have ever told and I wished I could take it back. His face became incredibly sad and I thought I heard him say". . . I told Alice she wouldn't . . ." I decided to ignore whatever he had muttered and walked closer to him.
"I don't know what to do anymore. One minute you're my best friend, someone I could rely on, someone who made me happy and the next your ignoring me, avoiding me and I have no idea why." I shook my head, "At the moment I hate my life, because I'm not happy anymore."
I looked up at him and then walked past him and out of the library. I felt sick. I had told him that he made me happy and that he was my best friend and he said nothing. Did he really not care that he was my best friend? Was my best friend. I reminded myself.
My head was spinning so I quickly ducked into the toilet and splashed my face with cold water, it helped. My eyes were sore and after a while I realized I was crying, over Edward. I was so stupid, but I couldn't help it, he had hurt me. I couldn't deny that. I had told him he made me happy and he said nothing. I didn't bother to wipe my tears away and instead let them cascade down my cheeks. I was suddenly aware of Angela, watching me from the door. I grabbed my bag and ran out, the tears still streaming down my cheeks.
I raced to my next lesson and then remembered it was biology. The only lesson I had with Edward - which usually made my day - was just about to become my own personal nightmare.
When I got to class it was empty, the only person who was there was sir so I quickly ducked in took my seat and began to doodle on my notebook. A few minutes passed and I heard other people entering the classroom. I was abruptly aware of my surroundings when I heard a chair scrape on the floor next to me. I didn't look up.
"Bella, I know you're probably going to ignore me for a very long time, but I just want to say. . . I'm sorry. For making you unhappy and for not being there for you to rely on." I was feeling really bad; his words eased some of the pain, making me question my theory on if he actually cared. "But no matter how much this hurts me, I have to do it. I'm sorry."
Wait a minute, this was hurting him. Why was hurting him? I was the one he was ignoring, not me ignoring him – even though I was honestly considering it. If he was hurting then maybe, just maybe, he didn't want to ignore me.
"Edward, what are you on about?" I asked him, "I've known you seventeen years and even now, I still don't understand what you're saying." I smiled weakly.
He smiled slightly but it didn't touch his eyes. "Well, it hurts me to be away from you. This is what happens when you care, you hurt."
He was right. The more you cared the more it hurt. I was hurting right now, because I cared. I cared about him.
We didn't talk for the rest of the lesson and he didn't even walk me to gym, but that didn't surprise me. He hadn't done that for the past few days now. I still hoped.
Mike cornered me after gym and I was scared. I hated when he talked to me alone, it meant there was something he only wanted me to know or he wanted to ask me something.
"Bella, you know that my party's next week?"
I nodded, "Yeah."
He smiled and looked into my eyes. I was uncomfortable.
"Well I was wondering if before that, you wanted to go out. Like on a date?" He smiled and waited for me to answer.
I was speechless and was having trouble functioning my mouth.
"Erm . . . I don't date. Sorry, it's just I don't like you that way. You're just my friend and a really good one." I said. I didn't want disappoint him too much. "Sorry."
He surprised me by laughing, "You don't date. Seriously Bella, that's the biggest lie I've ever heard you say. It doesn't have to be romantic if you don't want it to be."
I smiled weakly, "Seriously, I don't date. I'm not joking or lying. I'm telling the truth."
"Oh. " His smile faded, "Well that's too bad. Well if you don't want to go on a date, will you be my date for my party?"
I knew he wouldn't let me out of this one. No matter what I did. "Sure." I said reluctantly.
His smile returned, "Great, by the way, it's formal dress. So if your siblings are coming tell them its Tux's and Dresses. "
I smiled, "Will do."
I grabbed my bag and nearly ran to Edward's car. I couldn't believe this, I had told myself that no matter what happened I wouldn't give in and look what I've ended up with; A date, which I don't like anymore than a friend, with who I am going to a party I don't even want to go to.
I hopped in the car and realized that Edward's figure next to me in the front was tense and frozen. I looked over at him and his face was also tense, his lips in a stiff line and his forehead in a taut frown. He was staring out of the car and to a group of people standing across from the car. In the crowd was Mike. Oh crap.
EPOV
I stood behind her in the library at lunch and leaned against the nearest post.
"Bella?" I said. Her heart jumped a little bit as she turned around in her chair to face me.
"Are you talking to me now? Because I had a feeling you were ignoring me." She shot at me. That hit me where it hurts. I knew that I was hurting her, I knew that, but I was hurting myself in the process. Alice was right about some things; it hurt me to see her hurt.
I took a deep breath and spoke, "I'm not ignoring you," She looked upset; "I'm just doing something I should have done years ago. Keeping my distance."
This was true; I should have done this years ago. I should have kept my distance; if I had I wouldn't be in this position. But I wasn't going to take that chance. Alice's vision had scared me and thrilled me in ways that scared me again. I wanted so much for her to feel the same way felt for her but I knew that wouldn't happen. She would never love a person like me. But I was so scared that if she did, I might hurt her, and that was worse than me distancing myself. I couldn't bear to hurt her.
She stared at me confused and then said, "What?"
I shook my head "Let's just say it's not good for you to be around me."
She stood up and picked up her bag. Her face was hard and hurt, I wish I didn't have to do this but I had to. She stared at me, "I still don't have a clue what you're on about. And you know what? I don't care anymore."
She didn't care. She didn't care. She didn't care about me? Or she didn't care that I was ignoring her? She obviously cared that I was ignoring her or she wouldn't be making a deal out of it.
She looked as if she wished she hadn't of said that. My face dropped and I stared at the floor and blocked out the voices in my head to see if she would say anything. She didn't and I muttered to myself, "I told Alice she wouldn't feel the same. I told her."
She looked confused at me as I lifted my head up and I wondered if she had heard me.
"I don't know what to do anymore. One minute you're my best friend, someone I could rely on, someone who made me happy and the next your ignoring me, avoiding me and I have no idea why." She shook her beautiful head, "At the moment I hate my life, because I'm not happy anymore."
She waited for an answer but I didn't know what to say. She wasn't happy, because I was ignoring her. She hated her life because I was no longer in it. Did she really feel the same way I felt for her? Maybe not the same way, but she definitely felt something. Apparently I made her happy and I wished I could now, but it just wasn't possible.
She glared at me and then stormed past me without another word. I had hurt her again.
The bell rang after a while and I slowly moved from my frozen position against the wall and headed towards the lesson which would become a nightmare. Biology. The only lesson I had with Bella.
I was walking unconsciously down the corridors when a few thoughts caught my attention.
"What's up with Cullen? He looks as if he's been hit in the stomach. But then again, he and Bella haven't been seen talking for a while. Maybe they had a fight. Great! Maybe Bella will say yes if I ask her out. She's always come up with some excuse to do with her family, not this time though."
I wanted to throw Newton out of the window. Out of all of the girls that fancied him he went after the one that had no interest in him whatsoever. The way he thought of Bella made me sick and his fantasies had disturbed and angered me for a few years now, but today it was even worse.
Somebody tapped me on the shoulder, I stopped and turned around. It was Angela.
"He doesn't look too good." "Edward? Are you ok?"
Angela was quite comfortable talking to me after her and Bella's friendship had strengthened a year ago. She considered me a friend of hers now, which was very kind of her.
I nodded.
"I wonder if Bella's got anything to do with this. She didn't look too good when she left the bathroom. I hate seeing her cry." Bella had been crying, I had made her cry. The pain rippled through me and I hung my head.
"Edward, you know you can tell me. I don't like seeing you or Bella hurt." She was so amazingly kind and sincere.
I wanted to play along so I said, "Bella's hurt?" The worry in my voice was real, I wasn't faking that.
"Oh I shouldn't have said anything. Damn it" She nodded, "I saw her in the bathroom just now, crying."
"I-I . . ."
She rubbed my shoulder, carefully, "Edward, what's going on between you and Bella? And I don't just mean today." Angela cared about Bella and she cared about me in a way. "Maybe I shouldn't have asked him that."
"Angela, I'd rather not talk about it. And I'm late for class." I smiled weakly and made my way down the corridor.
Bella was already in class and was doodling on her notebook he head down, her eyes were a bit red. I felt terrible.
I sat next to her and sighed, "Bella, I know you're probably going to ignore me for a very long time, but I just want to say. . . I'm sorry. For making you unhappy and for not being there for you to rely on." Her face became slightly more relaxed, "But no matter how much this hurts me, I have to do it. I'm sorry."
She looked incredulously at me, as if she didn't understand why I would say that.
"Edward, what are you on about?" She asked me, "I've known you seventeen years and even now, I still don't understand what you're saying." She smiled weakly at me.
I tried to smile and then said, "Well, it hurts me to be away from you. This is what happens when you care, you hurt."
That was entirely true, I cared and I hurt. I cared about her and it hurt me. I didn't know how much longer I would be able to keep this up.
The rest of the lesson went slowly, we didn't speak and if we did it was because we had to. At the end of the lesson I raced out and made my way to Spanish without another glance at Bella.
Emmett looked worried as I entered the room; he was deciding whether or not to buy Rosalie another Diamond necklace for Christmas, she already had six.
"Hey!" Emmett thought as I sat next to him, then he registered my mood and his thoughts became worried about me. "Oh no. What now? Is it Bella, because I swear sometimes, she looks as if she wants you. It's weird; I mean she's our sister."
I kicked Emmett under the table and glared at him.
"It is Bella. What now? Has she finally realised that she loves Mikey." He joked. I kicked him again.
"Sorry. What is it?" He asked.
I spoke in a whisper, only Emmett could hear, "I've hurt her. I've hurt her Em, and I don't know how to fix it."
"What have you done to hurt her?" He was curious, he had never seen me like this before, "Seriously Ed, I've never seen you so pained, so worried. So hurt."
"Drop it. Please. I can't talk about it right now." I pleaded with him.
"I bet Alice knows. She does, doesn't she?" He was a bit annoyed now. Me and Alice always knew things before anybody else and we usually kept it to ourselves.
I nodded.
"I hate you two sometimes. I wish I could know everything, but no. You two always keep it to yourselves."
"Shut up Emmett." I growled and kicked his chair so much he nearly fell off. That put me in a better mood.
Spanish dragged and as I walked to my car I heard Mike Newton talking, to Bella.
"Bella, you know that my party's next week?" "She better have remembered."
She nodded, "Yeah."
He smiled and looked into her eyes. I wanted to rip his head off already.
"Well I was wondering if before that, you wanted to go out. Like on a date?" He smiled. "She better say yes I mean why wouldn't she want to go out with me?"
She was speechless and I was having trouble functioning my feet.
"Erm . . . I don't date. Sorry, it's just I don't like you that way. You're just my friend and a really good one." She said. "Sorry."
He surprised me by laughing, "You don't date. Seriously Bella, that's the biggest lie I've ever heard you say. It doesn't have to be romantic if you don't want it to be." "I'm going to have to get her alone sometime, I mean she's gorgeous. And I'm . . . well pretty good looking if I do say so myself."
She smiled weakly, "Seriously, I don't date. I'm not joking or lying. I'm telling the truth."
"Oh. " His smile faded and I was grateful for Bella and her little ways, "Well that's too bad. Well if you don't want to go on a date, will you be my date for my party?" "She can't say no to me now, I mean its Christmas and it's my party and she'll be my date. Hopefully.
I knew he wouldn't let her out of this one. I was fuming, and passersby thought I had gone crazy.
"Sure." She said reluctantly.
His smile returned, "Great, by the way, it's formal dress. So if your siblings are coming tell them its Tux's and Dresses."" Oh and by the way Edward Cullen isn't invited. I wish. Well at least she's my date to the party. Yes. Maybe she'll finally admit she likes me."
She smiled, "Will do."
I punched the wall and leant my head against it. This couldn't be happening. This just couldn't be happening. She had said yes to him. She was his date. And not mine.
I wanted to grab Newton and torture him before throwing him as far as I can and then and then. . . Urgh. It was no use. She had said yes to him, she would be his date.
I walked slowly to my car and got in. Bella was walking slowly towards the car, her face worried. I sat there my hand curled up over the steering wheel, tense. I frowned and my lips formed a stiff line as I registered Mike's thoughts.
He was standing in the group in front of the car, bragging. He was telling everybody that Bella was his date to the party. He was acting like a child with a brand new toy, showing it off.
At that moment Bella got in the car and stared at me. She took in my position then followed my glare towards the group in front. She must have known because her heart sped up and she gulped loudly.
I told myself again; she said yes to him. She was his date, not mine. She wasn't mine anymore or ever. Even though I loved her.