Second Chances - chapter 10

ooooooooooooooo

She opened her eyes groggily, realizing someone was trying rather vigorously to wake her.

"Kara, Kara, wake up. Come on."

She blinked several times. It was Helo.

"Go 'way, let me sleep," she murmured, trying to roll over and pull the blanket over her head. The realization hit her suddenly as she reached down and got nothing but a fistful of naked body - she and Helo were naked on the floor, no blankets, and what she'd just thought was a dream must have really happened.

She sat up quickly and backed away from him, reaching frantically for her clothes.

"Kara, it's okay," he said softly, reaching out to her.

"No, it's not okay," she answered, pulling on her underwear and bra with shaking hands. "We shouldn't have ... I shouldn't have ..."

He stepped in front of her and held her arms firmly. "I'm sorry," he began, catching her eyes and holding them. "You're right, we shouldn't have done that, but you know I'd never hurt you Kara. I only did it because I love you."

Her vision greyed suddenly and she was seven years old again, nursing a broken arm in a newly-plastered cast.

"I'm sorry I hurt you baby, but you know I did it for your own good. You can't go throwing stones and breaking things. That's a bad girl. I'm trying to teach you how to be a good girl because I love you."

Her mother's tempers had always resulted in Kara being injured ... emotionally and usually physically as well. An apology always followed later when she was a sober along with an 'I love you'.

Another flash - she was twelve years old ...

"You little slut! Kissing a boy? Do you know what kissing leads to? Do you?" Kara knew - she'd peeked in on her mother and her boyfriends on occasion and had discovered exactly what kissing led to. "You let boys touch you and before you know it - boom! You're pregnant and stuck with a snot-nosed whiny little brat of a child you don't want, just like I was." No mom, I'll never be like you - I'll never let a boy touch me just so I don't have to be alone ... like you do. "I'm going to have to punish you. Yes, it's going to hurt but it's a lesson you need to learn girlie. It's important that you suffer now in order to learn how to be good."

That episode had landed Kara in the hospital with a broken collarbone, broken nose and a severe concussion. Her mother had told the doctors she'd fallen down the stairs outside the house and landed headfirst on the cement below. She'd apologized to Kara later, using the same phrase - 'I didn't mean to hurt you, it was only because I love you'.

Kara pulled away from Helo instinctively, seeing his face and her mother's swimming and merging before her. She knew only one thing ... she had to get away. He'd said he loved her and that he'd only done what he'd done because he loved her. But there was one fundamental truth in Kara Thrace's life that she'd learned early and had been a constant ever since.

Love hurt.

She didn't need it, didn't want it. Solitude, while much lonelier, didn't hurt. She needed to get away from him. To be alone.

"I need to go," she insisted, yanking her arms away from him.

"Kara, please," he begged, trying to get her to understand.

"I need to go Karl," she said more insistently this time, pulling on her outer clothes.

"Can we talk about this?" he asked softly.

She met his eyes briefly - all he could see in them was fear. "Later. I need to be alone. Please." She was so very near tears, and while he'd often been the one to comfort her when she'd cried, she just couldn't turn to him this time. He was the cause of the problem.

"Promise?" he begged, grabbing her hand and forcing her to stay just a few seconds longer. "I don't want this to spoil our friendship."

She shook her head, afraid to speak lest the tears start flowing freely. She pulled away and fled the room, yanking the hatch shut behind her.

Helo scrubbed his hands through his hair violently. "What have I done? What the hell have I done?" he asked himself sadly. I guess I wasn't the one she was thinking of when she said she loved me, he thought, heart plummeting to the deck in sorrow.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Attention to his reports was rudely interrupted by the sudden clang of a hatch somewhere in front of him. Lee looked up to see Kara take off like a thousand hounds were chasing her. A pain assaulted his chest as he saw her lift an arm and wipe her eyes.

She was crying.

He stopped dead and slammed the binder shut, reports now forgotten. The hatch opened again. Helo stepped out. The expression on his face was one of extreme sorrow, and his clothes and hair were mussed up.

Lee added two and two together and didn't like the sum he arrived at.

His eyes narrowed to slits and his heart began to pound angrily.

"Helo!" he called to the man whose back was to him as he walked away. In the second it took Helo to turn around, Lee was directly in front of him, laying him flat on the deck as his fist connected with Helo's nose.

"You bastard!" he said, voice low but trembling with barely held fury. "How dare you?"

He tucked his binder under his arm and sprinted away in the direction Kara had gone minutes earlier, hoping he could find her. He felt sure he knew her well enough to know where she'd go when in an emotional upheaval.

Half an hour later, still having not found her, he decided to go back and confront Helo. Not that punching him hadn't felt good, but he needed to find out why the hell the frakhead had laid a hand on Kara when she obviously hadn't wanted it.

He found him easily - in the head cleaning up the mess Lee had made of his face. The look of venom Helo shot his way when he entered would have stopped any other man in his tracks - but not Lee. He was a man on a mission.

"Clear the room," he demanded, his eyes and Helo's still holding each other's in a fierce, furious gaze.

"Captain, are you going to be okay?" someone bravely asked Helo.

"I'll be fine," he said, drawing himself up proudly, despite the small trickle of blood flowing out of his nose. "You heard the Major. Everyone out!"

Several minutes later the last of the pilots left, grumbling at being interrupted mid-shower.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Lee asked, voice low but deadly.

"I could ask you the same thing, sir."

Lee frowned - it seemed Helo wasn't feeling any regret over what he'd done - the man was standing tall and proud, as though he was the one who'd been wounded.

"How dare you touch Kara!" Lee exploded, anger spilling out like a tidal wave.

"What the hell ...?" Helo's brows drew together in confusion. "Last time we talked you told me I should tell her how I feel. You encouraged me to go for it and try to start something with her. Now suddenly it's not okay? Who the hell are you to be jealous of what I do with Kara? It's not like she's your wife or girlfriend."

"It's my business when you touch her against her will. You're a sick, twisted bastard if you think loving someone means you can take advantage of them. I should lock you up and throw away the key." Lee's words were charged with emotion and it was easy to see that though he might say he didn't love Kara anymore those words were a lie.

For a brief second, before anger took over, Helo felt sorry for Dee. It must be hell to be married to someone who was in love with someone else.

"You think I touched her without her consent? I would never hurt Kara. Never!"

Lee put his hands on his waist. "Then explain to me why I saw her running away from you, crying, while you look like you've just been frakked to within an inch of your life. How is it possible for the two of you to have been together by mutual consent if she's running away crying afterwards?"

Helo buried his face in his hands. "It's not like that."

"Then tell me how it is," Lee challenged.

Helo wiped the back of his hand under his rose, removing the last of the blood. His eyes roamed the room for a minute then came back to meet Lee's, only sadness left now that the anger had dissipated.

"She asked me ... she wanted ... " He sighed. "She initiated it. I shouldn't have responded but you know how it is when there's something you want more than anything and it's just offered up before you on a silver platter? It's so hard to say no."

Lee grunted in assent.

"She was drunk. Nothing new in that, but she was in full self-loathing mode. You know the one?"

Lee nodded. "Uh huh."

"She kept saying no one loved her, everyone betrayed her and turned away from her, and then suddenly she just begged me ..."

"Begged you?" Lee asked, one eyebrow cocked.

"I told her I loved her and all she wanted was for me to show her."

Lee groaned and closed his eyes. What a frakwit he'd been to jump to conclusions! Of course Kara had been willing - then she'd regretted it afterwards. That was Kara all over - she thought with her heart and then once her brain was engaged she realized she'd made a mistake and the instinct to flee took over.

He bit his lip. "I'm sorry Helo."

Helo managed a weak smile. "It's okay." He rubbed his nose gingerly.

"I shouldn't have hit you or said the things I did."

"At least you were doing it to defend Kara. I might not appreciate your actions but at least your motives were worthy."

Lee held out his hand. "Friends?"

Helo shook it warmly. "Friends. Just promise me one thing."

"Name it."

"Don't jump to conclusions about me and Kara again, regardless of what the situation looks like. I would never willingly hurt her - not for anything. She's my closest friend and I love her, both as a friend and more. I honestly had no idea I was doing the wrong thing and once I realized it ... well, it was too late. I promise I'll be more careful in the future. I don't want to hurt her or scare her away again."

"Promise. Can you promise me something?" Lee asked in return.

"Name it."

Lee took a deep breath. "Don't ever tell Kara how I feel about her. I've tried to stop loving her but I just can't. It's over between us though and I need to move on and pretend I don't feel what I do. It's not fair to Dee."

"No, it isn't. But I know what it's like, loving someone even though you know you shouldn't. I'll keep your secret."

The two men's eyes met in understanding.

"Do you want me to talk to her for you?" Lee offered. "Clear things up?"

Helo shook his head. "I don't think either of us would have much success right now. We need to give her some time."

Lee clapped Helo on the shoulder. "The offer stands. If you want me to talk to her, anytime, just let me know."

Helo smiled. "Thanks."

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Kara sat, arms hugging her knees tightly, on her bunk. She was still shaking and had had difficulty drawing the curtains for privacy.

Flashes of the past - of things she'd thought long buried were resurfacing, terrifying enough when they'd actually happened but almost worse now as she was experiencing them again all together instead of separate incidents like before.

She felt like the scared little girl she'd been when her mother had taken out her tempers on her. The difference now was that she didn't have to put on a brave face and pretend it didn't hurt. Her mother had always been annoyed at Kara's apparent lack of response when she'd beaten her, and that had been Kara's only weapon. There was no other way she could fight back so she stubbornly refused to admit or show that what her mother was doing to her hurt. She'd vowed not to give her that satisfaction.

Now however, she sat alone in the small space, tears raining down her face as the memories swept over her one by one.

'I love you sweetie. I'm only doing this for your own good.'

'If I don't teach you this lesson now, you'll never learn it, and what kind of parent would I be then?'

'This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.'

'I love you. I would never do anything to hurt you.'

'You're a screw-up. You always have been, you always will be. You should never have been born.'

She shook her head violently to rid herself of these images. No, it's different with Karl - he really does love me. He wouldn't do anything to hurt me. He's been my friend for so many years - always been there when I needed him. He's never hurt me before, why would he start now?

She wanted to believe it - wanted desperately to believe it. She and Karl - a couple? It was honestly something she'd never thought of until he'd confessed how he felt. And though she still found the idea a little unfamiliar, the more she thought about it the more she'd been warming to it. Karl was a good man. Faithful to the end. Not like the other men she'd loved and given her heart to who'd walked away and left her lost and alone. Zak might have been different - but he'd died, and since then she'd managed to screw up her life royally. Lee - things might have worked out for them, had there not been so much emotional baggage attached to their relationship. Sam - he'd been the biggest mistake of her life.

She had no intentions of giving her heart away again unless she was damn certain it wasn't going to be broken. But Karl would never do that, would he?

TBC