Chapter 10

Like walking in the rain and the snow when there's nowhere to go and you're feeling like a part of you is dying

Stretching back in his chair Pacey took a break from his work. He looked at Joey who was crouched in front of her bookcase perusing the literary options. He smiled as she tapped her fingers, apparently deep in thought. Finally she pulled a book from the shelf and moved to her bed, where she curled up.

'Don't stare at me,' she told him when she finally caught his eye, thoroughly embarrassed whenever she found him looking at her with such love and lust in his eyes. Her embarrassment only served to make Pacey enjoy watching her all the more.

'You're my girlfriend and you happen to be very pleasing to look at,' he informed her before dragging himself from his chair and dropping onto the bed beside her. 'How come you're not working like me?' he asked as she rested her head on his shoulder.

'I finished the assignment on Wednesday when you were working,' she shrugged easily. 'You can look at it if you want.'

'I'm good for now. I'm almost done,' he kissed her cheek. 'So what did you decide upon to read?'

Blushing slightly Joey held up a battered copy of Little Women. Pacey laughed,

'And after that terrible performance I took you to for our second date,' he shook his head.

'Well I decided I needed to remind myself just what it is I love about the story,' she explained.

'I saw the story - I didn't love it,' Pacey informed her.

'For your information that abysmal play was only very loosely based upon this wonderful book, if you read it you would love it.'

'I doubt it,' he wasn't convinced.

'Well lets make it our new book,' Joey suggested.

'Lets not,' Pacey scowled slightly.

'Give it a chance - if you hate it we'll change to something Kurt Vonnegut,' she bargained. Giving her a suspicious look Pacey finally shook her hand. 'Good,' she smiled and when she smiled Pacey couldn't quite bare to tear himself from her and back to work. And there was still work to be done but it didn't seem as important as being with her.

'Start now,' he told her softly.

'But your work?'

'It's almost done, I'll finish it off when you're sleeping,' he nudged her and with a soft smile she opened the book and began to read.

'Joey Joey,' Pacey shook her shoulder gently. 'It's morning gorgeous!'

'Grrrrrrrr,' or some similar noise emitted from his girlfriend.

'Joey, I made tea!' he told her brightly.

'I think you should move out,' she growled.

'Move out?' Pacey was horrified and his expression reflected the fact.

'You're too much of a morning person. How can you be so bright and cheery when bed is so warm and cozy?' Joey moaned finally opening her eyes. Realising she didn't actually want him to move out, Pacey gave her a huge smile.

'I lived on a boat for two summers, now that requires morning wakefulness. Thank god you weren't with me,' he teased.

'You would have loved it if I was there to,' she told him before closing her eyes with a smug smile on her lips.

'Sure you'd have varied the scenery a little, but I'm not sure how much help you would have been,' he ran a hand across her smooth arm.

'I'll have you know I'd have been very useful. I'd have given you a barnacle for your thoughts and thrown you overboard,' she muttered sleepily.

'In what world is that useful?' he queried chuckling softly.

'A barnacle is seaside currency, and once I knew what you were thinking I'm sure I'd want to throw you overboard. The boat, being lighter, would have gone faster,' she still had her eyes tightly shut.

'You missy are the one that would have gone overboard first and there's no mistake in that. For a start you'd have needed the shock to GET YOU UP,' he shouted the last, not too loudly but loudly enough. Reluctantly Joey opened her eyes,

'There's no need to shout Pace,' she informed him, stretching in a feline manner. 'I was awake,' she pushed herself up and reached for her tea only to discover it wasn't there. 'Where's my tea?' She looked at him in dismay.

'Good God woman, I might be forgiven for thinking you were with me for morning refreshments,' he leaned forward to kiss her, but she just put a finger to his lips.

'But my tea?' she whined.

'We ran out. I meant to pick some up but I was at the restaurant late.'

'Oh,' she pouted still sleep rumpled.

'So I thought we'd do pancakes instead?' he grinned charmingly.

'Pancakes?' a glint entered her eyes.

'My treat, down at that all American diner you love so much,' he knew he was forgiven for the missing tea.

'I could live with that,' she looked at the ceiling with a cheeky grin.

'Well get your pretty self ready and we'll go,' he kissed her and was rewarded with her lips. 'Oh, and wear comfortable shoes because I have a surprise for you after.'

Full of pancakes Joey was impatiently asking Pacey where they were going but he was frustratingly able to resist her persuasive ways.

'We're almost there Potter so calm yourself,' he held onto her mittened hand.

'And where is there?' she asked and he looked at her incredulously.

'You're not really going to start that all again? I thought we'd established- I'm a mean, locked down vault of secrecy that you have no chance of penetrating whatever feminine wiles you chose to employ? Did you forget, because it happened like five minutes ago, back down the road there?' he looked behind him and gestured, rewarded by a small pout.

'How can I look forward to the surprise when I don't know what the surprise is?' she asked beseechingly.

'If you weren't so busy talking you might have noticed we're here,' he laughed and gestured to the Museum of Fine Art behind him.

'Oh my God, I so wanted to come here!' she jumped up and down a little. 'They've got the Images of Nature exhibit on and I so wanted to see it,' she was smiling so brightly that he knew he'd done good.

'I knew you wanted to see it so I thought I'd take the matter into my own hands,' he explained as they pushed through the door.

'Thank you Pacey,' she turned to him and kissed him. 'You know just how to make things feel good. You're my good mood pill.'

'I'm your what?' he gave her a quizzical look.

'My good mood pill. When things are feeling bad or too stressful I think of you and I feel better. It's like taking a good mood pill,' she bit her bottom lip bashfully.

'Hmmm,' he arched his eyebrows. 'I think I can live with that. Wouldn't normally describe myself as a narcotic but...'

'Pacey,' she teased and he kissed her to let her know how much what she said meant to him.

Sat cross legged on her bed Joey looked anxiously at Pacey who gave her a nod. Picking up the phone she quickly dialled the number before she could back out. It rang several times.

'Hello,' the familiar voice on the other end sounded stressed.

'I can call back if you're busy,' she said quickly.

'Joey,' Dawson sounded so relieved.

'Yeah. I'm sorry its taken me a while to call.'

'Me to,' he wasn't making it easy for her.

'How have you been?' she tried to sound bright.

'I've been ok. Absorbed in my work you know,' it was hard to read his voice though she didn't miss the sigh. 'What about you?'

'I've been really good, lots has been happening,' she hated the awkwardness between them.

'Lots?' Dawson chose to prolong the awkwardness.

'Dawson I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't keep how I felt about Pacey from you on purpose. I didn't understand it for a long time.'

'So are you still together?' he threw out the question.

'Very much so,' she nodded as she answered even though he couldn't see her.

'Have you slept with him?' Dawson asked just as Joey knew he would.

'Yes,' she told him honestly.

'So we go out for months, me your supposed soulmate and you wont do it, but with Pacey you will and within a couple of months?' his tone was biting.

'It was just right with him Dawson,' Joey was getting exasperated.

'Right?' Dawson was about to tirade but Joey jumped in,

'Yes Dawson right. I called because I want to be friends. To be friends you have to accept that Pacey and I are together and that it's serious. I miss you Dawson, but I cant go through this every time we speak.'

'That's just it Joey - we never speak! I called you almost a month ago and you only call me now, despite the fact that you knew how upset I was, how upset I had the right to be,' he was angry now.

'But we never meant to hurt you. It wasn't a malicious plan it just happened,' she felt so frustrated.

'But you did hurt me.'

'And we are both really, really sorry. Sometimes its hard to face up to someone you've hurt, especially when you cant magic the hurt away. I cant give up Pacey for you and I hope he wouldn't give up me,' Joey said softly watching as Pacey shook his head dramatically to emphasise that he wouldn't give her up. 'But we do want you as a friend. We need you as a friend,' she waited hopefully.

'I want to be your friend Jo. We've been through too much, you and me, but Pacey? Why Pacey? Why not some Worthington guy? Some guy who wouldn't hurt me so much?'

'Oh God Dawson,' she sighed deeply. 'First off Pacey is a Worthington guy now. He's been accepted onto his course officially and he's doing great, but that's really aside from the point,' she waited but there was no response. 'There couldn't have been anyone else. Pacey and I, well there was always something there.'

'Always?' Dawson sounded angry again as if this was news to him.

'As friends, then as more.' There was silence for a long time.

'I want to be your friend Joey. I'm coming to visit and I'd very much like to see you. I hope we can still be friends,' he spoke carefully, deciding to deal with the more intricate issues in person.

'I'd like that,' she nodded.

'Next week I'll be there all week. I'm staying in Capeside for the weekend and then at Grams for the week, then Capeside for the next weekend.'

'That's great Dawson. I was thinking of visiting Capeside one weekend soon and we see Jack and Jen all the time.'

'Ok, thank you for calling Joey. It means a lot to me.'

'Thanks for calling me first. Before you go Pacey wants to speak to you,' she said quickly.

'I cant do that yet,' the tight voice was back. 'I can forgive you Joey but I cant forgive him. He's been deceptive to me for years about his feelings for you and he called me his best friend. I'll see you next week Joey,' he was trying to end the conversation.

'Then you'll see Pacey as well,' she managed to say before he hung up, then the line went dead. Before she knew what was happening Pacey had thrown himself on her and was hugging her tightly.

'I love you my girl,' he told her, his face buried in her neck.

'I know,' she grinned.

'Fickle mistress,' he repeated a common jibe before kissing her.

Psychology 102 was a popular class although the lecturer was an unpopular man. They had covered an array of psychology topics that interested the students, which that day included the fun area of body language and personality types. Miles Lambert MD was interested in securing a tenure at the university and was going all out to impress. Unfortunately, he wasn't that impressive. He had offended a number of students by trying to analyse them during classes. He was also unclear about certain topics and assignments were often haphazardly arranged.

Joey wasn't particularly sure what Miles Lambert was talking about because she was having trouble keeping her eyes open. She'd had a late night the evening before. She had gone to visit Monica and they'd ended up talking until almost midnight and now the morning class was killing her. Her sleep had been fitful and had included several episodes of violence with Pacey who wouldn't stop snoring. The guilty boy was sat on her right being purposefully shunned, despite his attempts to suck up and Monica was sat on her left meekly sipping a coffee.

Joey's eyes were so heavy she considered closing them for a second. It was absolute bliss. She didn't even realise she'd fallen asleep until Pacey nudged her sharply in the ribs. Looking at him furiously he nodded towards the front.

'I was saying Miss Potter, that everything we do carries a non-verbal message about who we are. 7 per cent of any message is conveyed by words, 38 per cent of any message is conveyed by vocal nonverbal communication (eg tone, volume, speed), and 55 per cent of messages are interpreted by face and body - nonverbal communication.' He stared at her and then continued,

'Not only are facial expression, voice and posture key indicators that allow us to mentally assess another person, but even the clothes a person wears can disclose economic and social class, personality, occupation, values, attitudes and self-concept. Clothes are used to project an image and are used to indicate group memberships and affiliations.'

Joey looked at Pacey and gave her hand a squeeze. She was wondering why Miles Lambert was still staring at her as he gave his lecture.

'We read all these codifiers and can make fairly accurate assumptions for instance,' the class groaned inwardly aware that he was about to publicly analyze the popular Joey Potter. Joey sat up a little straighter and gave him an expectant look.

'I would say you're from a middle to upper class family - your clothes are clean, simple but stylish. Possibly you're an only child - you have a confidence in your own opinions that indicates you were listened too. Perhaps your family has money - the simplicity of the clothes you wear speaks to the upper classes and you attend one of the most prestigious universities in the country. You also have the Christian girl look about you, that simple, clean cut look. I would think your parents are good Christian folks used to looking out for your best interests. You seem very assertive, you know right from wrong and that usually comes from a well rounded upbringing. I would say you probably didn't get into much trouble at school and you got here with relative ease, mostly because you're here and you always turn up to class, take notes and usually don't fall asleep. Now I may have the specifics wrong but...' He looked pleased with himself. Joey hated that he looked pleased with himself. She hated that he judged her, and she was so sick of being judged. In a way she was pleased he got it all wrong, but she wasn't ashamed of where she came from, a good person could come from a bad background. It wasn't always so simple and clear cut.

'The specifics?' Joey was sarcastic and Pacey knew instantly that Miles Lambert was in trouble. The whole lecture hall was staring at Joey in thrilled suspense. Pacey had seen Joey lose it before and it was clear that Miles Lambert and Psychology 102 were about to experience it as well. 'You call yourself a psychologist? Because I would seriously reconsider your field.'

'So maybe I got some details wrong - this particular area of study allows room for error,' he hedged staring anxiously between her and Pacey, looking at her boyfriend for help. He was getting none.

'Before you go analysing your students it might be wise to check their records so that you can look smart in front of the class,' her hands were on her hips as she jumped to her feet. 'My family aren't upper class, I'm poor, not only am I poor but I slept in the lounge for several years because we were that poor. I dress like this because I got used to wearing my sisters boring hand me downs and spending the little money we had on expensive clothes wasn't really an option,' she looked at Pacey who gave her a nod of encouragement.

'What was next? An only child, with good Christian parents? I think you'll find I worked most days supporting my family because those supportive parents you were talking about were too busy residing in jail and dying to do it for me, and I don't think they ever went to church. I suppose my dad did teach me a little about right and wrong with his criminal activities. But my supportive parents were actually my sister, her boyfriend and their illegitimate son. The reason I'm not afraid to speak up is because I had to do it to get anywhere. And I'm here on a very inadequate scholarship.'

'Now Joey I didn't mean...' Miles Lambert began.

'Oh no you weren't done there. Apparently I was a goody-two shoes at school? Because I work my butt off here? Sure I was an Honours student, but I worked damn hard for it and I was in a lot of trouble, usually for beating up assholes like you.' Somebody wolf-whistled but Joey didn't hear them. 'So analyze that!' she rolled her eyes at him, Pacey smirking along with the rest of the room.

Miles Lambert was lost for words, but Joey certainly wasn't.

'And one more thing, before you judge my situation again on the information I've just shared - don't bother. I have a wonderful, if not conventional, family. We've supported each other...and...and...you know what this class isn't worth it,' grabbing her bag and papers she squeezed out past Monica followed by Pacey and a round of applause.

'Jo that was so great,' Pacey grinned at her but she promptly burst into tears in a very un-Joey like way. Pacey wrapped his arms around her to shocked to do more. 'You really told him,' he soothed.

'What right does he have? How dare he?' she spluttered clearly furious.

'You did fine,' he was proud of her for standing up for herself and not being ashamed of her past. He knew the rest of their class were to.

'Oh god but I'll have to go back or make up another class.'

'I have a feeling Mr Lambert will be more keen to apologise to you, than expecting you to apologise to him,' Pacey smiled as her tears abated. 'Now how about we go drink ourselves some tea and eat ourselves some cake,' he took her hand as she nodded, eyes still teary, and they headed to the canteen.

Pacey burst into his room the following Sunday pleased to be home from the restaurant. He was rather surprised by the vague greeting he got from Joey who was sat on her desk looking out the window. He was even more surprised by the mess in the room. There were papers literally everywhere. It looked as if Joey had upended every file of notes she had made since she'd started at Worthington all over the room.

'Hey Pace,' she smiled brightly after a few moments.

'What the hell Jo?' he stared around the room.

'I was tiding up my papers,' she shrugged and turned back to the window. Pacey grabbed the thesaurus from the bookshelf.

'Tidy,' he said clearly, 'other words for tidy include neat, orderly, in order, shipshape, organised, spick and span, uncluttered.' He let the implication sink in. 'The antonym is untidy.'

'It's very sexy when you do that - a little anal but very sexy,' she gave him a seductive look.

'What the hell happened Jo? I thought your papers were neatly filed at the end of each class and assignment.'

'There were some gaps,' she was dismissive and turned back to the window.

'Ok,' suddenly Pacey was more concerned about her than the mess. 'You ok Jo?'

'I'm fine,' she nodded absently. 'Just need a kiss I will tidy up tomorrow.'

'Dawson is here tomorrow,' he pointed out.

'I'll get it done,' she told him calmly. 'I'm sorry.'

Pacey looked at the door wondering how long he hand till Joey was done getting ready for bed.

'Pick up pick up,' he tapped his foot impatiently.

'Hello,' Jen sing-songed down the phone.

'Jen, I need your advice and its got to be quick.'

'Pacey?' she yawned.

'Yeah.'

'What's up?' she asked.

'Joey's being weird again, like really weird.'

'You mean her outburst in psychology last Friday? Because the rest of your class are dead proud,' Jen yawned again. 'I heard they shouted for an encore but she'd left.'

'She was fantastic but, well, she was so upset. Joey's always spoken her mind, but she didn't used to cry about it.'

'Crying? I didn't hear anything about crying?' Jen was concerned.

'There was crying. And it's not just that - I came home today and she was sat staring out the window and all her notes were all about the room.'

'So she was having a sort out - I have those,' Jen comforted.

'No Jen, these looked like they'd been thrown,' he explained. 'It was as if there'd been a hurricane.'

'So talk to her - maybe she's worrying about her tooth again,' Jen almost giggled.

'Don't you dare tell her I told you about that,' Pacey flushed.

'How can Joey be so scared of a little filling - maybe you should just make her an appointment and force her to go? Maybe the worry is getting to her again - she may even have toothache,' Jen stifled her giggles, but Pacey hear them and chuckled wryly.

'Not a bad idea,' he conceded. 'And the other stuff?'

'I know Joey and she'll talk if she needs to.'

'I suppose, thanks Jen.'

'Dawson's getting here tomorrow at lunch so we'll meet you at Hells Kitchen around 1? Jack and I are blowing off afternoon classes.'

'Sounds like a plan though, depending on the tension, classes might be more fun,' Pacey frowned at the thought.

'It'll be fine!' Jen assured him, 'and if it's not I'll kick his ass!'

The following morning Pacey woke up feeling perturbed. Jen's suggestion that he just booked Joey appointment was on his mind as well as the phenomenal mess everywhere that she'd scraped into uneven and unordered piles. The more he thought about Joey and the dentist he wondered whether that was really the source of her mental unrest. It could be Dawson and his imminent visit or something else entirely.

The only way to eliminate the dentist was for her to actually visit them and then he might know whether she was distracted by anything else. As irrational as her fear seemed to be, on some level he could understand irrational fears. So we all have illogical fears and maybe Joeys is the dentist, he told himself for the umpteenth time. I hate centipedes totally unreasonable, but very real. It probably is what's making her so stressed - either that or Dawson. So lets assume it's the dentist. She hates the dentist and who wants to have a filling? But that doesn't explain the whole lie thing from the superhero party. She said she'd lied to me and that if she said the truth it would make it real but she'd already told me about the tooth so what the hell is the lie? That girl is too good at diverting and I was to ashamed of how I treated her to push her on the lie. If this is all about going to the dentist, where's the lie? It wasn't the first time that Pacey had thought along such lines, but now Jen had given him a solution.

Looking around the empty dorm room and then at his watch, he realised Joey would probably be in the shower for another ten minutes which was more than enough time to sort things out once and for all. If I make her the appointment, it's made and if I know Joey she'll go. That's just the way she is.

Picking up the phone from its cradle and feeling slightly guilty Pacey opened his diary to where he'd scrawled the telephone number for Mr Singe. He'd taken it from the message he took for Joey that she had thrown away. He'd felt guilty about that too, but he'd wanted it for when she was ready to make the appointment. Punching in the number he waited,

'Boston General Hospital, how can I help?' the voice was clipped and unexpected.

'Hi, I was looking for a Mr Singe?' Pacey attempted.

'Is that patient or staff?' the friendly voice enquired.

'Staff.'

'Do you know the department?'

'I have the extension number,' he told her the number.

'I'll just put you through,' the call transferred and Pacey had to wait some time before it was answered.

'Hello?' the voice sounded distracted.

'Hi, I was hoping to make an appointment for my girlfriend with Mr Singe?' Pacey spoke tentatively suddenly uncertain. He checked the door anxiously.

'What's her name? Has she been referred to us?' the woman on the other end was clearly busy with something.

'Josephine Potter,' Pacey drummed his fingers on the desk.

'Oh that's good,' the woman sounded sincerely relieved and was suddenly more attentive. 'We were getting worried about her. I believe Mr Singe wants to fit her in as soon as possible let me just see what we have available tomorrow. It's rather important after all. Let me put you on hold a moment.'

Pacey waited patiently for the woman to return whilst listening to the classical on call music in his ear. He tried to place the composer and it came to him as the woman clicked back onto the line. Pacabels Canon. One of his favourites.

'Hello?' the woman was saying.

'I'm here,' Pacey confirmed.

'Ok Mr Singe wants her to come in this morning if that's possible.'

'Should be,' Pacey thought guiltily about history 102.

'She'll be in for quite some time, so make sure she packs her bathroom things, several changes of nightclothes, some day clothes and lots of entertainment.'

'Huh?' the sound barely came out of his mouth he was so surprised.

'It's quite normal. If you get here when you can we'll get her settled in. Just come straight up to the Cancer Treatment Centre - we're easy to locate - the front desk will direct you.'

'Ok,' the lump in his throat had changed his voice.

'We'll see you...' the lady got no further because Pacey had slammed down the phone, his hands shaking like crazy. Leaning against the wall he felt dizzy and sick all at the same time, as if the world had spun away without him. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe deeply but the word was carved onto his retinas - cancer. Slumping to the floor he shoved his palms against his eyes, but suddenly he pictured Joey doing the same thing so he changed his position as if that might change the truth that had come to him so suddenly. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He could think nothing beyond the solitary curse. The curse that seemed so inadequate, the curse that seemed to mock his pain.

'Please don't let it be true, please don't let it be true,' his mind replaced the curse with the simple mantra because he was capable of no more. Then the anger kicked in,

'No no no, no, no' he didn't realise he was shouting the words out as he slammed his fists into his eyes again. Unfortunately the action only made him more convinced of the truth of his discovery. Is that what Joey has been trying to do? Hit the knowledge from her head? The anger hit him again and he vented it on his bed, hitting it, eventually collapsing onto it in sheer frustration as the tears seemed to burn his eyes. The large lump in his throat was impossible to ignore and the nausea swirling in his stomach wasn't abating. Suddenly it worsened. So what's the stupid thing she's done? She said she'd done something stupid? He struggled to his feet with wild eyes trying to not cry, to not fall over.

'Pacey, are you alright?' Joey had entered the room and paled as Pacey seemed to fall apart in front of her. In an instant she was at his side, her arms around him.

'Joey,' he croaked, his body unwilling to move in any way, his breath uneven. 'Joey?'

'What is it my love?' she asked him gently. Stumbling slightly he made it to the bed and they sat next to one another. Now that she was there he touched her face, touching her repetitively as if the opportunity to touch her might disappear.

'Joey,' something in his voice was beginning to scare her.

'Pacey?' she asked ever so softly and his heart broke into a million pieces.

'Please,' he shook his head as the tears tumbled down his cheeks, 'please no.' In his head there was an image of her mother, the day before she died. The day before cancer killed her.

'Pacey,' she raised his head until their eyes met.

'Do you have...' he couldn't say the word.

'What?' she whispered softly.

'Cancer?' the word was thrown from him as if the word was as destructive as the disease. He stared at her. She was momentarily calm then her face crumpled as her eyes filled with tears and her body trembled. The slight nod of her head confirmed the fear that was now residing in him. 'Joey,' he pulled her to him and they sat sobbing together. He couldn't seem to hold her close enough and had pulled her onto his lap, a sudden desperation and need to be constantly near her.

'I'm sorry,' she sobbed into his shoulder as he held her tightly.