the star

chapter ten

Jesse's mind still delighted in Rachel's reaction. He was certain she had never felt anything similar, what left him extremely satisfied. Her awful husband probably had been a selfish lover, and Jesse was happy that experience had been a revelation for her, that he had given her what she deserved.

He ran his fingers through Rachel's silky hair, loving the feel of it: it was soft like a baby's. That reminded him that he had been extremely reckless by carrying on without protection. The dog had led him there. Jesse wasn't prepared for sex, but, when he say the lust shining in Rachel's eyes, he couldn't care less about anything else. That cautious hint of sanity had been wrecked by wild thoughts about taking care of her and of a child, marrying her if he needed to. Everything but postponing what he wanted so much.

He should check if there was any risk of a pregnancy. He didn't want that complication that could force them both to ask questions that shouldn't be forced. He didn't know how far he wanted to go with Rachel, but he knew it would be a better ride if they didn't have to take in account the life of an innocent child.

"Rachel...?" His voice sounded rough. He swallowed to clear his throat.

"Hummm?" It was a happy, carefree sound.

Which, Jesse thought, was good.

"I didn't plan on this and I didn't bring protection with me", he said, unable to shut his concerns out of his mind.

"It's okay", she reassured him.

"Are we safe?" He persisted, needing confirmation.

"Hum..." She took a deep breath and explained. "I'm in the middle of my birth control prescription. I thought it would be better if I finished it. Lucky for us", she added, with a carefree shrug.

"Yeah. Lucky for us", Jesse echoed.

Rachel wasn't the only one living through a new experience that day. Jesse's lapse concerning domestic abuse, followed by his reckless leap into an intimate relationship... He had never lost control like that before. The feelings Rachel arose carried on making him act beyond the highly controlled limits he had set for his life. But she had given herself to him, and those freak feelings would most probably end.

Her hand caressed his groin, as if fascinated with his size, and Jesse began feeling excitement stir again.

"You're playing with fire", he warned her.

"Awesome. I want you on fire".

He laughed, surprised by her cheeky comment.

"As if that wasn't possible for you to cause".

Rachel tilted her head and watched him. "I don't think women are a mystery for you, Jesse, but, if you wanted to look at me, why couldn't I want the same?"

It was the first time Jesse had felt compelled to see everything a woman felt with him. Every time he'd had sex with other women, he simply accepted the fact that both had been seeking mutual satisfaction, which inevitably happened. The extraordinary circumstances had made that more important than normal, he told himself. And Rachel's fascinating skill to project so many emotions in her eyes, her beautiful face... how could he not want to see?

"You're a very special woman, Rach. I didn't want to fail you on anything".

She grew serious. "You didn't. All the time, you gave me what I needed, what I wanted. You never failed me. And, on one hand, that's wonderful..." She trailed off, frowning.

"But...?" He pressed.

"It's like I've been passively lying during everything, and I don't want to be passive anymore".

"Believe me, you weren't. I wouldn't have totally lost it if your reaction hadn't been so thrilling".

She looked at him, curiously.

"You don't usually lose it?"

"No".

"Does that mean it was especially good for you?"

"Yeah".

She looked extremely satisfied, her brown eyes sparkling with happiness, a smile so wide her dimples deepened teasingly. Jesse reached out and touched one of them. She smiled at his fascination.

"I'm happy it wasn't bad for you. It would've been awful for me. This way, I don't feel bad at all for all this, but I should".

"Why?" Certainly she didn't feel guilty for being unfaithful in a marriage that was already over and done with.

"In a way, I've acted like Quinn Fabray, even though you're not married to Andrea Cohen". She looked worriedly at him. "Have you forgotten about her, Jesse?"

Obviously, the idea of Jesse being unfaithful like her husband bothered her. She wasn't expected to be loyal to anyone, but he... there was an understanding of Andrea's situation clear on her face.

"What I had with Andrea is already over. We're just friends now. You didn't steal anything from her, Rachel. And I haven't cheated on her either".

He watched as she processed the information. The initial relief gave way to an assessment of her own standing with him. Jesse knew she thought about what her mother and Finn had seen in his actions on Rachel's name, how they wondered if he had a hidden agenda.

She rolled around and propped her upper torso up, supporting with on her elbow. Even though her caresses had ended, they still were lying intimately, Jesse told himself. She hadn't left the bed, hadn't covered herself. She didn't want to part that much from him. Even though, he knew the next words they said could have a crucial impact on the way their relationship could go. Jesse didn't try and pull her back to himself, respecting the distance she had put between them. He didn't even move, but he felt adrenaline being pumped in his veins, the thickening tension of the imminent battle.

He wouldn't lose.

Rachel decided she wanted the truth, whatever that was. Since there hadn't been any gossip about Jesse having broken up with Andrea Cohen, she supposed it had happened recently. But how recently? The breathtaking redhead hadn't accompanied him to the release party. Had that been a hint that the relationship was over before Finn's infidelity with Quinn had been revealed, something that had left her so vulnerable to Jesse's escape route?

Rachel hoped so. She didn't want her mother and Finn to be right about Jesse. He had been so good for her... On the other hand, she wouldn't accept to live with lies. It looked like her entire life had been fake. Above all, she needed truth, and no more deceptions.

There was no guilt in Jesse's eyes. He watched her intensely, his gray-blue eyes sparklingly staring straight at her, waiting for her to say what she was thinking, why she had pulled away. There was also a wait in that passiveness of his, and the thought that he was like a predator stalking, waiting for the best moment to pounce, fled through her mind.

He certainly had chosen the right time on the release party, moving in exactly on the right moment when she was the most vulnerable, putting her under his wing when she was too astonished to notice. But Rachel wasn't astonished anymore and she wouldn't be weak, she wouldn't let him make her jump in a relationship that would distract her from what she needed to do.

Other question rose to her mind. She couldn't imagine any woman dumping Jesse, but that seemed relevant to the main issue. So, she asked, "Was it you that ended the relationship, or was it Andrea?"

"I did".

There was no surprise in that. Rachel couldn't imagine Jesse not being in control of everything. Now, she needed to make the big question.

"When, Jesse?"

"The night you first arrived here. I went out to dinner with Andrea that evening. I couldn't focus on her. I kept coming back to you".

Relief flooded her. It seemed reasonable. But, still, it didn't reply to the charges made by her mother and Finn.

"You mean you wanted me instead of her?"

"Yes".

She took a deep breath and shot, "Everything you did for me was because... you wanted me?"

His mouth twisted in a sardonic sneer. "Rachel, I doubt there's any man who doesn't think you're desirable, but if you want to know if what was compelled me to protect that night was lust, then no, it wasn't".

A shameful blush flared up her cheeks. Of course, what a ridiculous idea! He had saved her from a horrible scene only because he didn't want the guests' attention at the party to shift to a scandalous situation that had nothing to do with the show.

"I've told you the truth. To protect the star of my show, to ensure its success, that was my priority. I tried immediately to do damage control. And I have to admit that it pleased me a lot to do that. I've always liked you, Rachel. I didn't like how your mother treated you. I also didn't like how your husband took advantage of you. But that wasn't my business until you allowed me to act in your name to free you from them both. Only then I started thinking you were free to be with me".

Jesse cupped her cheek with one of his hands so she kept on looking at him.

"I wanted this, Rachel. I wanted it right away. And I did everything I could to ensure it would happen. That you would be with me. But it could only happen if you wanted it too. If you chose to be with me".

Choices... yes. He had always given Rachel a choice; tempting, seductive, reasonable choices, everything that would attract her. She couldn't say that it had been a trap, since she had stepped into it at her own free will. Even though she had felt her white knight had a dark side, that hadn't stopped her from wanting to be with him.

He hadn't wrecked her marriage. Finn did.

He hadn't taken her, like her mother had said, trying to apply to him her own mentality of using everyone.

Yes, Jesse had dumped Andrea Cohen to be with her, and Rachel was happy he preferred her and was honest about it, ending his relationship before being with her.

He hadn't done anything wrong.

And for her, that was okay.

What else could she want from him?

Her heart settled down.

He smiled, as if he knew the cloud of concerns had vanished from Rachel's mind.

"I think I'm good for you. If I'm not, tell me".

What remained of her tension dissolved in laughter. She was a handsome, inifinitely desirable man, and she was extremely lucky he wanted her. Rachel cradled Jesse's face on her hands and, smiling, pulled it close to her own.

"You're very, very good to me, Jess".

He laughed, pleased with her answer. The kiss began filled with a bubbly happiness, but it suddenly grew passionate. Desire burned in Rachel's body, making her want, again, to be close to him.

"No more passiveness", he mumbled, and moved her so she was straddling him. "Do as you please with me".

And she did, loving the feeling of sinking onto him, of having him filling her body.

The climax was earth-shattering like it had been previously, both crying out together as they tumbled over the edge. Rachel clung to him, delighting on the perfect joy. She didn't care if it wouldn't last forever. It was good. Better than anything she had felt her entire life.

But she needed to protect her heart. She couldn't fall in love. He would leave her and move on, like he did with Andrea Cohen. It was his reputation with women, like Rachel's mother had said. She couldn't expect him to be different with her. She needed to keep her heart out of it.

He frowned.

"What are you thinking?"

"That I'll enjoy everything you're willing to give me of you, as long as you want me by your side, but that I can't get attached, because, sooner or later, this will come to an end".

Jesse immediately thought, I might not want this to end. But he didn't say anything. He had never considered the idea of a long term relationship, and it would be wrong to give Rachel any ideas. He didn't know about the future. He knew that woman was different from everyone else, he knew she made him feel things that he wasn't used to, but that was something new to him. Maybe in a month... maybe in a year... sooner or later, they would fade.

"Everything you want to give me of you", he echoed, his eyes teasing her, "that's too vague, Rachel. Maybe it's best if we have boundaries. You can, of course. You're free to make all the decisions you want. I don't own you. I hope you never allow anyone to possess you again".

It was good advice. A little risky, but a good advice. Jesse wouldn't take it back. He didn't want to be selfish with her.

Rachel deserved to blossom and grow into the person she could be, free of her past's pressures. He would love to see her becoming that person: a survivor, much like him, moving on, finding her own place under the sun, taking the opportunities she wanted to take. The shell of the Rachel raised by her mother would be left behind, and the Maria that existed in her mind would take over.

Maria.

Maria...