Let It Go

Izzie is set to share an apartment with a nurse from the clinic. She will move out next Saturday, one week away. Meredith puts her birthday bottle of Champagne in the back of the refrigerator so she and Derek can celebrate when they are alone at last.

Derek calls Addison and gracefully gives in on the issue of the brownstone. Addison knows Derek is too stubborn to just give in on an argument. She asks if he has forgiven her at last, and surprising both of them she breaks down in a storm of tears when he says he has. She calls back when she is coherent to tell him that the house and paperwork are ready. There is nothing left in the house that belongs to her or her family. The transfer of deed papers only require his signatures, they are waiting with the lawyer who handled the divorce. Derek can put the house and its contents up for sale immediately.

Addison can tell from Derek's voice that he is relaxed and happy. She can't think of a way to ask whether he sorted things out with Meredith until she hears Meredith's voice in the background calling out to him, then she asks if Derek would give Meredith her regards. He says, "Of course," and again surprising them both he adds, "She's been a good friend to you, Addie." Addison changes her message to regards and thanks, and hurries through the farewells. Acknowledging that this call might well be the last time they ever speak is awkward, and Addison is pained by realizing that Derek doesn't mind and she does.

Derek and Meredith are about to do to do something novel for both of them: they are going shopping to replace the ragged towels and threadbare sheets currently in use and maybe buy dishes and glasses. Most of the cups in Meredith's cupboards have nothing in common with each other design-wise. Cristina had given Meredith a copy of the detailed list, which even specified brand names, that Burke's Mama had compiled for their gift registry. Cristina had assured Meredith that if Mama thought these sheets and towels and dishes were good enough for Burke, they would be good enough for McDreamy. Meredith makes sure they have the correct measurements for the new mattresses and pillows before they set off into the bewildering maze of stores that is The Mall.

Derek is able to interpret the mysteries of thread count, but sateen and damask are beyond him, so they find a sympathetic saleswomen. Colors are the next hurdle because they don't know what colors the rooms will be or what the furniture will look like. Ivory works with everything, so after they hunt down the brand Mama specified they select for their bed and the guest room bed ivory fitted sheets and pillowcases, one to use and one to wash, plain mattress covers, primaloft duvets since primaloft doesn't shed like down does, also in ivory because you can always buy a colored duvet cover later, black and white towels for their bathroom and terra cotta colored towels for the other bathroom.

At the register, Meredith leans on Derek, exhausted, and declares brain surgery is easier as the total price mounts higher and higher. Her remark amuses the sales woman until she discovers that both of them are surgeons, and Derek actually is a brain surgeon. Derek pays, because Meredith doesn't have enough money in her checking account, but they'll keep the receipts and work it all out later if they want to or need to. Derek keeps insisting he owes back rent and Meredith continues to find that funny, though she can't seem to explain why.

Derek has enough strength left to venture into the dishes and glasses department, where they deviate from Mama's list because they like plain white china and mugs instead of coffee cups with saucers. They choose six place settings for now with cereal bowls and pasta bowls, and plain but pretty stainless flatware (a term Meredith has never heard before). She almost breaks down when faced with the vast variety of glasses, which are actually, she learns, called 'barware' and 'stemware'." She is accustomed to drinking milk, juice, water, beer, wine and tequila out of anything in the cabinets that has a hole in the top. She collapses on the floor and defers this set of decisions to Derek, who is amused by this almost feral aspect of his girlfriend. But he's from Manhattan, where shopping is bred in the bone.

They need a trained assistant with a trolley to get their bags and boxes out to the car and stashed in the trunk and back seat. While Derek and the assistant stash and stow, Meredith falls asleep in the front seat. Derek has to wake her up to avoid sitting on her head. They stop at their special café where the food is healthy but good, and Meredith revives at the sight of the menus.

They discuss whether Meredith could or should go to New York with Derek. She could, she has vacation and the Chief Resident would be delighted if she committed to work the upcoming holidays in exchange for a few days off now. It would be convenient to take the trip before she starts her rotation in Pediatrics in two weeks. But she wants to know, "Why do you want me to go to New York with you to sell the house? I wouldn't be any use."

After a bit of prodding he admits, "If I go by myself it's just an ordeal, the last ordeal of the divorce. If you come with me we can do some things that are fun. There are things I'd like to do in New York alone with you."

"What kind of things?"

"I'd like to show you the house I grew up in. I like to go to Sheep Meadow sometimes and remember my Dad. There's a restaurant I really liked, Lutèce. I'd like to walk in the Park with you. Maybe we could ride the Staten Island ferry."

"We wouldn't stay at the house, would we?"

"Absolutely not."

"What about your family? Won't they be upset if you go to New York and don't tell anyone?"

"I'll tell my mother. It's really a trip to get some financial business done, and family business would be a hindrance."

"Would we have to go shopping?" She's laughing, expecting the answer to be no, they wouldn't have to go shopping.

"I know a small boutique where you would like the clothes, where the assistants really do assist you. It's not as much work as regular shopping."

"You really like to shop, don't you?"

"I'm from Manhattan, the shopping center of the universe. I shop. It's an incurable condition."

"And you can't shop for yourself?"

"It will take me years to use up everything I already have."

There's a long pause while he's clearly trying to think of a way to say something, but she finally interrupts, "You're trying to find a tactful way to tell me most of my clothes are as ratty as my old Dartmouth t-shirt and I need new things, right?"

"Right, thank you. Are you offended?"

"No. Although I feel like I unleashed a whole other side of you when I said I wanted to do-over the house. All of a sudden you want expensive things. I thought you didn't like luxury."

"Believe me, these things we bought are not luxury. Addie had sheets with 1080 threads per inch that cost hundreds of dollars for one sheet. And I swear they weren't any softer than the sheets we bought today for 60 dollars. She had blankets of silk and cashmere that cost thousands of dollars. These are very normal things that we bought. They are strange to you because your mother wasn't interested in the house, but Izzie, who grew up in the trailer park, wouldn't be surprised at all."

"Do you mind if I give her the cake stand from the kitchen? She made so many cakes for us, and I know she really likes it. I want to give her something to remind her of my house, she was here with me the whole time and even though I won't miss her when she's gone, she really was important to me the first year."

"No, I don't mind. But back to New York."

"The things you said you'd like to do with me sound good. While you're talking to agents and people, I can talk to my mother's banker and lawyer about my mother's money, I can get on with that anywhere. I suppose you'll have stuff you want to bring back, I can help you pack. And if the boutique doesn't make me feel too much like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, I could use some new clothes."

"So, you'll come?"

"I'll talk to the Chief Resident tomorrow, I know she's already worrying about the holidays, so I'm pretty sure she'll agree to anything. When do you want to go and how long do you think it will take?"

"I want to go as soon as possible and I think it will take about five days. I'll have to select agents to sell the house and to sell the furniture or whatever Addie left behind. I'll probably have to meet half a dozen people at the house. There will be some packing, I still have stuff at the house. My lawyer will set up meetings, so when we go only depends on how fast these people can move. But anyone would jump at the chance to sell this house. You'll have to remind me again and again why I agreed to this."

"It's a symbol to her that you forgive her. The money isn't the point, it's a symbol."

"Addie asked if I'd forgiven her. She had to call me back, she was crying too hard to talk. She said to give you her regards, then I told her you'd been a very good friend to her and she said to thank you."

"Wow."

"I was surprised that you were so kind to Addie when we talked the other day. She wasn't very nice to you."

"No, she wasn't, but I understood it. She still loves you and I think she knew she was going to lose you. Some things were petty, she was very ostentatious with her rings around me, but not with anyone else. But on the medical things she was scrupulously professional. She's a good surgeon and a good teacher."

"You see the best in everybody. Maybe that's why I'm a better person around you."

"Once you weren't."

"Yes. I know that's on the list."

"I can't shop and cross things off the list on the same day."

"That's good."

"So, do you know things about money? I don't know anything about money and there's my mother's money, I don't have a clue how to deal with it. Other than I want to do-over the house, but I don't even know how to convert it into money. It's assets right now. What are assets?"

"Well, one thing is, it's your money now."

"I didn't earn it, I can't think of it as mine."

"You think of the house as yours."

"It was my grandmother's before it was my mother's. So it wasn't hers in the sense that the money she earned was hers."

"Usually an asset is stocks or bonds, and you sell them to convert them to money. If you do it yourself you don't spend as much in commissions. If you let them do it they'll charge you, usually a percentage of what they sell. Does that make sense?"

"I suppose. Do they think they know better what to sell and when?

"Usually they think they do. If it's invested in hard assets, like buildings, it can be complicated. If it's ordinary stocks and bonds they probably wouldn't do any better than you would do yourself with a little bit of research. Which I could help with."

"What's your commission?"

"Oh, I think you know what my commission is."

Meredith laughs her adorable cascading laugh, and Derek smiles his dazzling McDreamy smile.

So it's settled that they will go to New York together and his mother will visit them when they get back. He'll book the tickets as soon as they know exactly when they are going. Derek observes that Meredith pays cash for everything, and suggests she get a charge card like American Express, she'd have no difficulty with the assets she has in her name. A charge card would be helpful in New York unless she lets him pay for everything, like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. Which would be fine with him, he adds McDreamily.

The vacation days and meetings work out easily, and before Meredith knows it they are on a plane bound for New York. Derek has a lot of frequent flyer miles from consults, so he gets them an upgrade to Business Class, a luxury Meredith has never experienced before. He warns Meredith that the only hotels near the house are luxury hotels, but he wants the convenience of being close to the house without being in the house, and he's willing to pay for it. Meredith feels like she's in a movie surrounded by VIPs and VRP's, but she's not intimidated.

As they check in at the Plaza Hotel, one of the agents Derek is scheduled to meet is already at the brownstone, so they have a bellman drop their stuff in their room, and go straight to the house that sat in limbo for nearly a year, that caused so much angst to both Derek and Addison.

Derek carries his laptop, phone and a sheaf of legal documents; Meredith has her phone and her new charge card. Derek gets immediately to work with the agent, while Meredith finds a room where she won't be a bother, and makes her calls. Her mother's assets are all straightforward mutual funds and are already in Meredith's name. They're parked at a brokerage house where she can set up an online account. They will FedEx overnight to her at the hotel all the account statements since the account was transferred to her from her mother's estate, and she can proceed from there. They will be delighted to be of assistance any time. Yes, they know the address of the Plaza Hotel in New York, and they hope she enjoys her time in The City. Meredith hangs up muttering about the checks she wrote to pay for their assistance, but she had expected to have to pry her mother's money from the lawyers' hands, so she's really quite pleased.

Derek is ushering the first agent out as Meredith finishes her business, so he suggests they go to the boutique, and if Meredith is comfortable there she can do-over her clothes while he meets the next agent. She likes the shop and the sales assistants. They chat for a while about what she does, where she goes, what she likes, what she wants, then they usher her back to the dressing rooms and measure her. They bring jeans, sweaters, blouses, skirts, slacks, dressy dresses, casual dresses, jackets, shoes, boots, stockings, underwear. They quickly grasp what she does and doesn't like and pare down the offerings skillfully. Just as in Pretty Woman they offer juice, Perrier, Champagne, pretty much anything she wants. She goes through a couple of bottles of Perrier; shopping makes her thirsty and she likes her water fizzy.

Meredith quickly chooses two pairs of jeans, four thin sweaters, two thick ones, knit shirts for underneath, two short skirts, two blouses, two sexier tops, a little black dress, a longer black dress, a dress that's gorgeous but they assure her can be worn to interviews or business meetings, strappy sandals, shoes for the jeans and the dress, boots, stockings, the most comfortable bras she's ever worn, underwear Izzie would die for, a coat, a jacket, a hat, gloves, and two purses. She hands over her card with a warning that she just opened it and American Express might panic, but Derek is prepared to play Richard Gere's part in Pretty Woman. And she doesn't want to know the total. Since Derek still hasn't called to say he's through, they ask if she's interested in cosmetics, so she decides to do-over her pre-Harvard collection of cosmetic odds and ends. She doesn't wear much make-up, just powder and blush and lipstick, and though they have some fun with the lipliners and lipstick colors, that doesn't take long. American Express does not panic at the total, her clothes are packed, and they get her a cab. They give her a gift: each of the sales assistants picked a bottle of perfume they thought she'd like. While Meredith gets all her new clothes up to the room Derek calls, he's coming back to the hotel.

When he arrives he looks strained and exhausted, just as he used to look when Addison first arrived in Seattle. He barely greets her as he lies down on the bed and stares up at the ceiling. Meredith lies down beside him and clasps his hand. He responds by entwining his fingers and they lay like that for a long time. Finally he says, "Tell me again why I'm doing this."

"It's a meaningful symbol. It helps Addie move on. Somebody has to do it, so you're being generous to take on the task. And you don't have to keep the money."

"That house was like a prison keeping me in a life I hated. You know what she should have told me? I don't care if she lived with Mark. She should told me she was a Forbes, what a Forbes is. They live in a barren world, there's no life and no love, all that counts is money and power. They're nothing like my family, they're the opposite of my family. She said she loved my family, but she lived like a Forbes. When she asked me to go with her – as a favor – to social events with her parents I thought she didn't want to be part of that life either. I was so naive then, I thought they were just snobs. I didn't realize how they treat each other, the barbs and stabs, the sucking up and flattery. It's all about being on top, or next to the top. She played the game without thinking about it, she wanted us to be the couple on top. I wanted kids, but I couldn't have children in that world."

Meredith rolls onto her side to face him and says, "No wonder you wanted land and a trailer by a lake and rivers to fish in."

"I didn't even care if I caught fish unless I was hungry. I just wanted to watch water wash the grit out of my life. The only relief was the OR or the river."

"Was I wrong to persuade you to do it?"

He says bleakly, "No," and pauses a long time. Meredith knows there's more, to wait for more.

"I had to forgive her for this. I've been angry at her for so long. She thinks we got busy and got lazy, but what really happened was I got angry. I tried to explain but she didn't seem to want to understand. Finding her in bed with Mark was a relief; I could leave, and finally I could be angry about something she understood."

Meredith knows there's still more.

"She didn't tell me she was a Forbes because she wanted me, and she knew I wouldn't marry into that world. But in that world it's OK to trick your quarry into the trap. She was just playing by their rules." Another long pause. "She gave it up in the end because she wanted to be with me; she came to Seattle and lived in a trailer to be with me because she loved me. Loves me. Which means that at some point she understood what the problem was."

"But you have to let it go."

"I have to let it go." Again Meredith knows there's more. "But then I did it to you. I trapped you."

"I've forgiven it."

"Me or it?"

"Both, you and it."

"But it's worse, what I did is worse, because I did it and I knew what it was like to be trapped in that way."

"I understand and I still forgive it and you. Look at me, I forgive you." He's looking at her, she's seen his eyes that intense before, but that was anger and jealousy, this is more complicated. There's grief and sorrow and shame, and there's something more he has to say.

"When there was the guy from Joe's with the tumor, then O'Malley, then Dandridge, I thought I'd been wrong all along, that you never loved me, that I was just another guy from the bar, how many more that I didn't know about . . ."

Silent tears run down Meredith's cheeks.

" . . . what I said to you in the stairwell, that was unforgivable. When I said I didn't want to breathe for you what I really meant was I need you to breathe for me. That was really unforgivable. When I see you after spending a day in that house I wonder how can you want me?"

Meredith now understands exactly how lonely and bleak his years of marriage with Addison were. Still, his bleak marriage was not more bleak than Meredith's life with Ellis when Ellis had a memory and a blazing anger, and later when she didn't recognize Meredith at all. Meredith had lived with Ellis's anger focused on her. Derek had lived with his own anger to sustain him. Meredith's life was harder and harsher than Derek's. She's been tempered in a hotter fire, she's tougher and stronger. She can handle the heat. But first she needs to breathe and cool her burning face, so she goes into the bathroom to splash her face and cool her eyes and drink some water.

When she returns Derek is sitting on the side of the bed with his head in his hands. She drops to her knees, sits on her heels facing him.

"Look at me, Derek. Look at me."

Whatever she says they have to do, he will do it. He looks at her, she rests her hands his on knees.

"You know why you want to be with me, you know I can give you what you need and you want. You believe I love you, now you do. You don't have any doubt that I love you. What we don't know is why you're right for me. I don't know myself as well as you know yourself. It takes me longer to know why I do things. There are reasons why you're right for me, we just don't know what they are yet. So you'll have to take it on faith, that you are right for me, that you'll continue to be right for me. 'The rest you'll have to take on faith.' Remember when you said that to me? Only this time I'm saying it to you and I'm not hiding anything. We have to take this on faith, both of us. So, yes, what you said in the stairwell was cruel, you wanted to hurt me so that I would feel what you were feeling, and believe me, you did hurt me, no one has ever hurt me more. I know you can't breathe without me, and that's fine with me. I can handle that. After a lifetime of being completely unnecessary to anyone, think how I feel to be necessary to someone, someone I love, you, your mind and your body, all of you. You aren't the man who lived in that house anymore, you're just remembering that man and confusing him with yourself. With Addison, you made promises in ignorance. With me, there's full disclosure. When you promise, when I promise, the promises are made with all the facts. The only thing we have to take on faith is the why, why you are right for me. We'll figure that out. Just have a little faith."

He's locked in her eyes, his face changes as feelings come and go until there is nothing left but relief. She knows everything now, and still she wants him. There's nothing left to tell, nothing on the list. And still, she wants him.

He lets it go.