Chapter 10: Anything But Ordinary

The unofficial official motto of the Sugar Rush team, much like the Scouts, was "Be Prepared". A lot of strange things happened in each of the worlds, and Vanellope instructed every one of her friends to be ready for absolutely anything

As such, it was difficult to startle a Sugar Rusher for any reason. All of them carried themselves as though they expected a chainsaw-wielding serial killer to leap out from behind every corner, giant meteors to crash down upon them from every direction, and the multiverse itself to implode in a giant fireball at any second. Their reflexes were insanely fast, they were quick on the uptake, and they could salvage their way out of sticky situations quickly. You could spring any number of insane obstacles in their paths, only to be met with a shrug, an "Oh well", and then a severe beating.

That explained the rather unusually calm reactions Crumbelina, Minty, and Adorabeezle exhibited upon finding out that a missing racer of their game had just turned up in a horrifying backwater world in Fandom Heights, except she wasn't exactly herself and seemed to have been turned into some kind of obnoxious original character.

"So let me get this straight. That's Citrusella?" Minty asked.

Adorabeezle shook her head.

"But it's not. In this world, Citrusella has been replaced by one of the godforsaken locals." Adorabeezle replied.

"So it's not Citrusella?" Minty asked.

"No, um... as far as this world is concerned, Citrusella never existed. Rather... she never existed, sort to speak, but here she never didn't exist. Er..." Adorabeezle started to reply, stumbling for a proper way to explain her theory.

"That girl is taking Citrusella's place." Crumbelina said.

Minty raised an eyebrow.

"So it is Citrusella?" Minty asked.

"It was Citrusella. At some point. I think." Adorabeezle replied.

She hated to admit it, but this was the strangest thing she ever had to deal with. And that included the time Toxika cleaned out her dead herb garden and accidentally dumped the runoff into the arcade's water supply, causing half of the game characters to zone into psychedelic hallucinations for a week ("Felix in the Sky with Diamonds").

"I don't know. Should we just ask?" Adorabeezle asked.

Crumbelina sighed heavily.

"We probably ought to, rather then kill her right out only to learn that it is Citrusella." Crumbelina replied.

"If you girls are done over there, I've got some serious kicking for you!" Voxwellizzers yelled shrilly.

"Pardon me, Madam. Before we proceed into the savagery, I was wondering if we might discuss your origins, in a friendly manner. Just one Sugar Rusher to another." Minty said.

Voxwellizzers giggled insanely and struck what she must have thought was a seductive pose.

"Do you think I'm hot?" Voxwellizzers asked.

"I don't see how that's relevant." Minty replied.

"What the heck are you?" Adorabeezle asked, in much less of a mood for Voxwellizzers's creepy mind games.

Voxwellizzers huffed, holding her mage's staff menacingly.

"You idiots, I already told you! I'm Voxwellizzers of Sugar Rush!" Voxwellizzers replied.

"Citrusella is a member of Sugar Rush, you pathetic wannabe!" Crumbelina snarled.

Voxwellizzers grinned wickedly, holding up her black gloved hands in a dramatic fashion and staring at them.

"Hah! Maybe she was, but that girl doesn't exist anymore. My brilliant mistress captured her and erased her from the face of existence! When your game came under attack by my mistress's Probus brethren, she was immune to the parasite. She escaped and tried to cross over the barrier of Fandom Heights to stop us, but my charming and wonderful mistress captured her and used her beautiful machine on her!" Voxwellizzers said.

Adorabeezle flipped open her notebook to write all the exposition down.

"A machine? Of what sort?" Adorabeezle asked.

"It's a magnificent machine that transforms people into cool, awesome, and obnoxiously flawless creatures. Toxie-dono has been employing it for some time, attempting to create the perfect Probus, and as you can see, she's getting closer and closer." Voxwellizzers replied.

She motioned to Tengiroth, who was standing off to the side, striking a maniacal pose and spouting off more dramatic monologues. His choir stood off in the bushes to the left, taking a water break.

"So Toxika's Seme is behind those horrific Mary Sue Probus. I suppose you're one of her creations too? The next step up?" Minty asked.

Voxwellizzers cackled, gesturing at her two-one-winged companion.

"Oh please. Maybe you don't understand. I'm not a third-rate joke of a character like this loser." Voxwellizzers replied.

Tengiroth is not a loser!" Tengiroth snapped furiously.

"Tengiroth!" the choir echoed.

"Right, right, whatever. I'm not an original character. In this world? I am canon, baby. That brat Citrusella and I are not the same person. She has been blinked out of existence and my beloved mistress put me in her place!" Voxwellizzers said.

"But why? You people don't bother replacing the other racers of our game you don't like. You just maim their personalities beyond recognition or ignore them completely to fit your needs. Why go through all that trouble replacing her when you could just find some other way to bend her to your will?" Crumbelina asked incredulously.

"Crumbelina, it's Citrusella we're talking about." Adorabeezle replied in a weary voice.

"Mmm, good point." Crumbelina said.

"Nevertheless, Citrusella is our comrade-in-arms and friend, and we will not stand for what you have done to her. In the name of the real Sugar Rush, prepare to die." Minty said fiercely.

Voxwellizzers cackled and twirled her mage staff around her, stirring up a shower of lightning and a rumble of thunder beneath her feet.

"I think not. I have come too close to achieving my dream to let you fools stop me now!" Voxwellizzers said.

"What dream?" Adorabeezle asked.

"Why, the dream I have held since the moment I was first born into this world!" Voxwellizzers replied, posing dramatically and staring at the sky again.

She clasped her hands together over what would have been her martix, and looking closely, one might have noticed sparkles emanating from her body.

"Do tell us. I'm morbidly curious." Crumbelina said.

Voxwellizzers brushed flowing strands of dark blue hair out of her face, battered her bright blue eyes, pursed cherry-red lips, and lifted a milk white hand to her licorice black leather coat.

"I will finally get to be with him." Voxwellizzers said, a veritable produce aisle of affectionate daydreaming.

"I hate to say it, but Rancis isn't interested in you unless you're infactuated with his looks or under sixteen." Adorabeezle said snidely.

"Adorabeezle, that is no way to discuss one of our friends." Minty said, glaring at her with disapproval.

"Ew! No, not Rancis! I don't sleep with anything girlier then me!" Voxwellizers said, looking appalled at the very thought.

"Nobody girlier then her? That narrows it down." Crumbelina said suddenly.

She and the other two simultaneously took a huge step back away from Voxwellizzers.

"And not you three!" Vowellizzers said.

There was a cough from the other side of the courtyard.

"Oh, Tengiroth is flattered, Voxwellizzers, but Tengiroth is dedicated to exerting his non-specific revenge on a non-specific number of innocent humans. He's going to stay niiiiice and single." Tengiroth said.

"Tengiroth!" the choir sang.

"Why are you speaking in the third person all of a sudden?" Minty asked.

The frustrated Voxwellizzers screamed in rage and clenched her fists.

"No, you idiots! Swizzle! I'm talking about SWIZZLE!" Voxwellizzers snapped.

There was a brief pause before Crumbelina laughed.

"Oh dear." Crumbelina said.

"What is it?" Minty asked.

"Her name. Take out an x. It spells 'Swizzle Lover'." Crumbelina replied.

"That's right. I will finally have a chance to win the love of my precious green headed brown-orbed daredevil sugary angel... my Swizzle!" Voxwellizzers said.

"A noble pursuit if ever there was one." Tengiroth said with a nod of approval.

"So let me get this straight. You have destroyed a Sugar Rush racer to allow yourself into this world. You are transforming innocent locals into pale, idiotic, and annoying shades of their former selves. You are 'betraying' your 'fellow' Sugar Rushers by assisting the group trying to sabotage them and bring about their downfall. And you're doing it all because you're in love with Swizzle?" Crumbelina asked.

Voxwellizzers sighed dreamily, batting her eyelashes.

"Toxie-dono promised! She said we'll fall in love and get married and have beautiful little Sugar Rusher babies! If I prove myself strong enough, there's no way Swizzle will continue to ignore me and fail to acknowledge my existence!" Voxwellizzers replied.

Adorabeezle had been oddly silent for the last few moments, but it appeared that she would not remain so for long. There was sweat beading on her brow, her eyes were as narrow as they could possibly get, her fists were clenched, and she was gritting her teeth as though holding back a violent explosion of curses and angry words. She interrupted Voxwellizzers with a small grunt, only a warning of the fury that was to come. Minty turned to her suddenly, recognizing the look on her face.

"Adorabeezle, calm down." Minty ordered.

"I am calm." Adorabeezle said, her lip twitching with seething furious hatred.

"It's not worth getting worked up over, Adorabeezle. She's a silly fool and has been depressingly misinformed. Don't let it bother you." Crumbelina said.

Adorabeezle turned to glare at her friends.

"Don't let it bother me? Have you taken a moment to think... a moment to even vaguely consider exactly what it is this imbecile is prattling on about?" Adorabeezle asked angrily.

"Adorabeezle, don't lose your temper." Minty replied, her tone rising.

"Madame, look at me! Look at me! Look me in the eyes, this instant!" Adorabeezle snapped suddenly at Voxwellizzers, pointing at her.

Voxwellizzers crossed her arms and complied.

"What? You got a bone to pick with me?" Voxwellizzers asked.

"Look me in the eyes. Are you looking? Do we have eye contact? Can you see the expression on my face? You can? Good. Now, let's see... where to begin... oh yes..." Adorabeezle started to reply.

Voxwellizzer's eyes bugged out of her head as Adorabeezle exploded into a vicious tirade.

"WE. DON'T. HAVE. HEARTS! We do not have hearts! There is but one rule in the Game Character's Codebook regarding the definition of any sort of game character, and that rule is that GAME CHARACTERS. DO NOT. HAVE. HEARTS! We have matrixes, NOT hearts! You are not capable of falling in love with Swizzle because falling in love is an emotion, and emotions are born in the heart or matrix, depending on who it is." Adorabeezle yelled.

"But he makes me feel like I h..." Voxwellizzers started to say, eyes wide and voice tiny.

"DON'T YOU GIVE ME THAT GARBAGE! The operative term there is 'like'! Feel 'like' you have a heart or matrix... but you DON'T. Because you are THE HEARTLESS AND MATRIXLESS SEME OF A GAME CHARACTER. AND GAME CHARACTERS. DO NOT. HAVE. HEARTS! Any emotions you may think you are detecting are in an intellectual sense only! I am currently not furious out of my mind with your utter disregard for any sort of logic besides your own desperate little delusions. You do not seem to understand this fact, making your pathetic rantings and ravings and moronic behaviors absolutely inexcusable!" Adorabeezle screeched.

Minty sighed from nearby.

"I hate when she gets like this." Minty said.

Adorabeezle wasn't done yet. She was so 'furious' that she was beginning to glow with an icy aura.

"And furthermore, game characters are not born by traditional means. They are created, you thickheaded dolt." Adorabeezle snapped.

Voxwellizzers, shamed and enraged at the severe thrashing her dreams had just received, took a few steps back away from the three girls and glared at them.

"Enough! No more talk! It's time for the three of you to suffer the same fate as your comrades! We will take your matrixes and your Semes will be helpless to disobey the Grandmaster Fanboy's command!" Voxwellizzers snapped.

"I assure you, Madame, watching your attempt will be most entertaining." Crumbelina said smugly.

Voxwellizzers smiled.

"Or perhaps... perhaps instead, I will capture you and present you to my mistress Toxie-dono as a trio of new experiments. You too could come into this world replaced by new existences, ones that would not be so adamantly against our plans!" Voxwellizzers said.

"We're going to kill you now." Adorabeezle said, still red-faced.

"Your attempt will be most entertaining." Voxwellizzers said, mocking Crumbelina's voice. She extended a graceful hand to point at them and ordered "Tengiroth, deal with these three!".

"Yes, Voxwellizzers!" Teniroth said.

He cackled maniacally and drew out a seven-foot-long samurai katana, black feathers and sparkles flying through the air around him, and eyes glowing the same red shade of sanguine and blood.

"Tengiroth!" the choir sang.

"I'm heading back inside to check on our mistress!" Voxwellizzers said.

She summoned a portal to step into.

"After all that drama, you're not even going to fight us yourself?" Minty asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I wouldn't dirty my hands on the likes of you." Voxwellizzers replied.

She stepped through the portal.

Once back inside the mansion, Voxwellizzers let out a horrified girlish screech and burst into tears. Lightning and thunder filled the halls and exploded around her as she ran towards the master chamber with her face buried in her hands, plowing over hoards of inattentive guards on the way. Her not-exactly-a-matrix ached with the pain of Adorabeezle's cruel words and she created a rainstorm of tears as she headed for a word with Toxie-dono. She skidded to a halt outside the master chamber, ignored the polka dot girdle tied up to the doorknob, and banged on the door with a fist.

"Mistress! Mistress Toxie-dono, I-I must speak with you! Have you secured the machine?" Voxwellizzers asked. She turned the doorknob, stepped inside, and asked "A-Are you in, Mist...".

She screamed.

"Rub those back legs. Oh yes, you're a dirty little honeybee..." Toxie-dono started to say as she stared up at a big screen TV, which showed a video of what appeared to be a very close-up view of a bee pollinating a flower.

She then noticed Voxwellizzers and threw her pink remote control to the ground.

"Ah! Voxwellizzers, can't you see I'm busy? Do you remember the rule we discussed when I created you? About the girdle on the door?" Toxie-dono asked furiously.

Voxwellizzers gaped in horror and covered her eyes, now crying for a very different reason.

"But, Superior, I thought it was a scrunchie!" Voxwellizzers replied.

Toxie-dono huffed, glaring at her to show her icky assistant just how irritated she had made her.

"When there's a scrunchie on the door, Toxie-dono is busy playing dress up! But when there's a girdle on the door, Toxie-dono is busy watching her special videos!" Toxie-dono said angrily.

"I'm sorry! It won't happen again!" Voxwellizzers said.

"Yes, well, make sure that it doesn't! Have you finished dealing with those fools outside yet?" Toxie-dono asked.

"N-Not yet. I have Tengiroth taking care of them as we speak." Voxwellizzers replied, wiping her eyes.

Toxie-dono groaned.

"I thought I told you to do it! Seriously, Voxwellizzers, can't you ever follow orders? What am I going to do with you?" Toxie-dono asked.

"W-Well, I did! I mean... I was going to fight them, b-but one of them... s-she said that Swizzle could never love me because we don't have matrixes or hearts!" Voxwellizzers replied, bursting into tears all over again.

Toxie-dono cocked her head slightly.

"Oh, she did, huh?" Toxie-dono asked.

"W-Well, is it true? I-Is it true that my dream will never be realized? That Swizzle and I can never be together?" Voxwellizzers asked.

Toxie-dono twisted a finger around in her green hair and grinned sheepishly.

"Weeeeeell... maaaaybe." Toxie-dono replied.

Voxwellizzers gasped in melodramatic horror.

"Then you lied to me! You said if I helped you, you'd... you'd make it so Swizzle and I could be together!" Voxwellizzers said.

Toxie-dono groaned and tossed her head, waving her off with a flick of the wrist.

"I'm working on it, honey. You've already seen what I can do when given the proper materials. I'm sure with a little work I can make it possible... sorta." Toxie-dono said.

"'Sorta'?" Voxwellizzers asked.

"You don't have a matrix nor a heart, honey. It kinda comes with the territory. BU-U-U-UT! No whining about it now! We've got to deal with those hot little Sugar Rush miscreants before they ruin our entire operation." Toxie-dono replied.

"You... you don't even care! I'll never be able to make my dream come true! A-And you promised you'd help me! And you lied to me! And you don't even care! How could you? How could you do this to MEEEEEHEEHEEHEEEEEE?" Voxwellizzers asked angrily.

In an explosion of falsetto trilling sobs, she turned on her heels and sped down the hall in the opposite direction, screeching, wailing, and setting off miniature lightning storms and generally creating quite a tantrum.

"Gosh, what a crybaby." Toxie-dono said distastefully.