Ten

Hi. Yes, it's really Darkmoonphase. Yes, I really am alive. It's been forever and I hope you all haven't given up. I'm back and I'm excited to get working on this again. I've missed writing my stories...

Well, hope you all still enjoy my work. I hope I can still live up to your expectations. If you notice any difference, check my profile before you ask me about it, please.

Anyway, here goes. The long awaited chapter ten...

Tuck yourself into the shadows now

Remember everything good you've done today

Think of your favorite song

And hum it as you fall into a very deep sleep

Swim through every memory you have

Dance with every dream you can remember

Sing with all of your favorite songs

And forget that you were ever awake

Listen

Can you hear them?

They're whispering something to you

They say...

Goodnight

And others say...

Wake up!

Don't listen to the others

You're comfortable in your sleep

Listen to the real voices

The ones in your mind

They'll let you remember

Let you dance with your dreams

Let you sing

As long as you forget that you were ever awake

They whisper to you...

They say...

Goodnight

It's hard to remember why you were ever so happy when the depression hits again. All that pain that you'd been hiding resurfaces and all you can do is try to breathe. All those memories you'd buried dig their way out to haunt you. You feel miserable again. And in the moment, you wonder if anything can ever bring you back out of it.

I was lying in bed Friday night, ignoring the eyes that stared at me from the page on my wall. I was staring at my glow-in-the-dark stars again. Tears streaked my face noiselessly and I took a shuddering breath. I had friends now, I somewhat had a life to live. But memories were still within me, burning in the back of my mind angrily and threatening everyone around me with the truth. I closed my eyes, trying to block out the image of Kakuzu's face when he found out what I'd been hiding; Deidara's blue eyes tainted with accusations.

"But I didn't do it..." I whispered helplessly as the onslaught of memories swept in and dragged me under. I clutched at my chest and curled into a tight ball, wishing with all my might that I hadn't made that promise.

"How are you today, Hidan?" my mom asked brightly the next morning as she handed me my breakfast. I stared blankly at it before accepting it and sitting down.

Shrugging, I muttered, "Alright. Tired, I guess. I didn't sleep well last night..."

"Nightmares?" she inquired sympathetically. She'd always known about them - she'd just never known what to do about them. I nodded miserably. "I'm sorry. You know, I was thinking about...about taking you to see someone about those."

I looked up at her, startled and hopeful. "You mean...like a therapist?" It felt like an empty hope inside me but I needed that hope. It was something to hold onto, something that would keep my head above the surface for awhile. Even if I knew that for the most part it was useless to think that I could get help for being crazy. My only help had been and always would be the institution. She smiled in that mischievously smug way and I grinned, jumping up. "No way! What about Dad? He'd never agree..."

She put a finger to her lips and said, "What he doesn't know, will only help you." She patted my back and then wandered into the living room, grabbing one of her magazines as she went. "Now eat something, will you?"

It was something that I'd never thought anyone would consider. The first thought was always to see what was wrong with me and then when they found out, they'd lock me away. This time...This time, I was getting a chance. I was getting a say in something. I shoved a piece of toast into my mouth hurriedly and dashed upstairs, grabbing my cell phone. I was seconds away from texting Deidara when I paused. Suddenly I kind of felt emotionally exhausted.

I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't even tell Deidara - especially not him. He'd probably be jealous that I was getting help without really saying much. He'd been hiding his secret for his entire life and no one had helped him. I set my phone down and sat heavily on my bed. No one had helped him...

I couldn't imagine. Losing it once or twice guaranteed that I'd be noticed and, in one way or another, I could be helped. No one would ever guess what was going on inside his head. He kept that smile plastered to his face and listened to the only good voice in his head he had. I was jealous of that voice, honestly. It was something I'd never had; it was something I'd never experienced. And I'd been more dangerous that way. I looked down at my hands. I was still dangerous.

Looking behind me at the wall, I knew that my hope of therapy was in vain. I'd been living with too many demons for far too long.

"Bye, Mommy..."

I sighed. It had been far too long. I sprawled backward on my bed and stared at the little plastic stars on my ceiling. Slowly, I was getting wrapped up in memories I'd thought I'd buried too deep to remember so clearly. Last time I'd tried, they hadn't been very clear and it had resulted in a headache...

Suddenly, my phone vibrated next to my head and I jumped. It was Kakuzu. I halfheartedly smiled at the text asking if I wanted to go do something today. Glancing swiftly around my room, I agreed to go. I needed to get away. I need a distraction. Frowning at how well Kakuzu could distract me and make me feel normal, I went to my closet and grabbed my shoes.

"Key word, feel, Hidan," Kristopher reminded me as I hurried out of my room to tell my mom that I was going out.

I frowned. I know, I know, I thought sadly and a bit impatiently. He reminded me constantly of this fact. And I hated it. I made a face and sat down on the couch in the living room. All I wanted was to have one day where I wasn't reminded every second of my life that I was technically certifiably insane. My schizophrenia had reached its peak a long time ago, morphing into something that I wasn't sure could be named – something of a mix of the disease and multiple personality disorder. I had decided a long time ago, as well, that I couldn't care. It wasn't possible. If I did, that last bit of sanity I might have would snap and I would fall to pieces.

After all, right now, at least I knew the difference between reality and my own little world. I knew that certain things I did could potentially hurt those I cared most about – that's why I tried so hard to protect them. But if I lost that last shred of sanity, it would be all over. There would be no difference in anything between my mind and reality. And I couldn't stand to think about those I would hurt. I literally shuddered to think about all their broken expressions if I lost it. All my hard work would be for nothing…

"It's not just your hard work. You can't take credit for it all," Jay muttered in my ear. A horn honked outside and I jumped, peeking out the window to see Kakuzu sitting impatiently in his car. I sighed – partially in relief and partially in annoyance – before I got up and walked out the door. I could do this. It was just another day. Jay snickered and I frowned. The voices were awfully loud today. That was worrisome.

"Hello," Kakuzu greeted pleasantly as I climbed into his car. "I decided to surprise you today."

I glanced at him, eyebrows raised. "Surprise me?"

His eyes crinkled and I could tell he was grinning beneath that mask that hid his marvelous tattoos. "We're going to see a movie. And I already picked so there." And before I could really process this, we were off. I smiled when I remembered something that Deidara had said once about Kakuzu.

I'm not entirely sure what it was but something shut up the voices for the rest of the afternoon.

"Do you realize this is a huge milestone, un?" Deidara inquired seriously, looking at me earnestly as we walked down the hall Monday morning. "This is, like, major! He never buys anything he doesn't have to, un!"

I pursed my lips. "Deidara, maybe he thinks he has to then…." That stung a little. How far would he go to impress me when he didn't have to? Didn't he realize that I liked him anyway? After all, he liked me for what he knew me to be. That hurt a little bit too. He didn't know all of me and he never would – no matter what.

Deidara shook his head. "No, I don't believe that, un. He's not like that." Pausing, he grabbed my arm and dragged me into a little nook between two rows of lockers; I was pretty sure the door behind him was a janitor's closet. "Hidan, you look exhausted, un. Is everything okay?"

I gave him a pained look. "I'm never okay. You of all people should know that." And it was true. Sunday had been a very long and disastrous day. I had locked myself in my room and had refused to come out until I got too hungry to stand. It had been one of those days where I'd felt less out of control than ever before. I had to admit that it had been a long time since I'd felt that I needed to be confined like that. And it would be a lie if I said it didn't scare me.

"I'm sorry, un," Deidara whispered, glancing over my shoulder at the throng of students hurrying to classes. "I guess I do know. But…I hope every day that something's different, un. Not just for you but myself as well."

"And it never is," I replied in the same soft tone, staring down at the tile. "We should get to class…." And before he could respond, I turned and hurried away. How could he hope like that? Where did all that hope come from? It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he could smile without pain. It wasn't fair that he could be so optimistic when he too struggled. It made my mind shriek with fury and give me an overwhelming urge to tear that smile violently from his face. I was jealous and furious and there was a very thin line between the two when I was that angry.

I turned left, away from my classroom and disappeared into a bathroom. I hid in a stall, pressing my forehead against the cool walls and struggled to catch my breath. Before I did anything else, I needed to try and regain control of myself. "Since when have you ever been in control?" Sky snapped angrily, fueling a fire I thought I almost had extinguished. "You're just a little puppet – a toy and nothing else. How dare you hope for your future?"

Letting out a strangled moan, I squeezed my eyes shut. He was right and I hated that. I hated how the voices knew everything inside of me and tormented me with it. I hated how I could just fall to it – I was weak in the sense that I would listen to them. I would not only believe them but become what they said I was; until I was no more myself but a twisted version of what they believed I should be. Or, I thought, something I feared I'd become seven years ago. That's what started this, isn't it?

"Naturally," she whispered haughtily. "And here I thought you'd forgotten all about me." I turned my head ever so slightly and saw her perched lightly on the edge of the toilet seat, smiling in a dementedly bright way.

I caught my breath and whispered, "How could I forget you, Amaya? I made a promise to you…" She was so real, slowly getting up to stand next to me. She lightly put her hand on my shoulder. The sensation brought back fury, fear and an emotion I refused to name. "And I intend to keep that promise."

"Even if it slowly tears you apart?" she hissed in my ear, bringing her hand down to rest on my arm. The unnamed emotion was raging, threatening me. "Even if my memory haunts and torments you long after you've lost every shred of sanity inside of you?" Her voice was becoming more venomous.

I let out a shuddered breath. "Don't, please don't," I whimpered, trying not to look at her and failing miserably. "You're just a memory right now. Please, just leave me be." My head was starting to hurt; it started in the back of my head but was slowly moving forward to consume my entire body. Her presence was stroking the fire again and I started shivering, trying to fight powerful emotions – emotions almost too powerful for me.

"After you took everything I had and left me for dead, Hidan…?" The way she said my name hurt painfully; it let loose a monster within me that I'd locked up for seven years.

I growled angrily. "I let you live!" I stood up straight, jerking my arm away from her and facing her down. She didn't flinch, just continued to smile in that demonic way.

"Out of spite, you let me live!" she spat. Her words hit me hard and I almost doubled up. "You're selfish – always have been and always will be. You thought you could start new here but you will never forget me. You promised you wouldn't forget me. Everything here reminds you of me and you know it. Don't make me the monster when you know you are."

I frowned, feeling a numbness wash over me. She was right. I leaned back against the stall door, staring weakly at her. I was in so much pain, I felt like I was going to be sick soon. My head throbbed and my body was beginning to hurt as well. I felt like I was drowning and it wasn't one of the pleasurable times I was doing so. "I'm the monster and I will never forget you, Amaya." I blinked and was staring at air where she'd been standing moments before. "I will never forget you. I promised. I promised…." And then I was over the toilet, throwing up through all my miseries.

The worst part was, I hadn't even made it to first period.

A/N: Well, this took me forever so I hope – while I'm very unsure – that this kept the feeling the other chapters hold. I'm sorry that this chapter took forever and a decade to exist. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, look at my profile and then feel free to drop off a review. Hope you guys are still hanging around.

Happy New Year! :D