I'd shoot the sunshine into my veins

Sometimes, Ianto liked what he had. Sometimes, he hated it. He hated the desire he felt when Jack kissed him, he hated the warmth spreading in his chest when Jack whimpered his name, he hated his dependence to sex with Jack, he hated the moment of bliss when he smoked after sex with Jack, he hated how easy it was to sleep when Jack was around, he hated everything about himself when Jack was involved. Especially the fact that he deeply loved it.

It was good, it was great, but when alone, Ianto felt like the worst human being. He knew he wasn't supposed to feel like this, that he was stuck on the past... Yes, he was, because he couldn't see any future, and the past seemed like the only thing that mattered now. The only thing that was real, that had at least once been real. His job, his colleagues, his friends, Lisa. It felt like a betrayal, to feel good with Jack, to need his presence, and sometimes it was too much to bear. Sometimes it was too much, and he drank. Other times he took a big dose of cocaine in the hope that maybe he'd never come out of his trip, that maybe he'd die. He always woke up feeling even worse, only to drink or smoke or inject some drug as soon as he was on his feet – even before sometimes. It happened more and more, especially after a month or so of seeing Jack as much as possible.

This time, he had taken a small amount. But he was also drinking. Thus smoking, because he rarely ever drank without smoking at the same time or right after. Which probably wasn't great for a depressed mind, especially not a depressed mind supposed to keep his whole life secret. Every single thing happening to him, or that had happened, as not a lot happened since the Battle, he couldn't tell.

"They think they're so discreet," he chuckled dryly. Of course, he wasn't supposed to talk about it, so he did. Especially because he had argued with Jack about Torchwood One and Three earlier. "Like half of Cardiff doesn't know they're here... But we know, don't we?"

"What are you even talking about?" The trouble was that he was talking in a crowded pub.

"Torchwood," he almost spat the name. "You know the non-secret secret organisation..."

"Oh, that. You know we're not supposed to talk about it. We all know it's here but we all know they'll take it badly if they were to understand everyone knows about them."

"I hate them."

"You do?" Kevin asked, trying to keep the conversation with Ianto because he had never seen him like this and he was pretty sure he shouldn't be left alone or talking to anyone.

"They think they're better than us," Ianto scoffed, finishing his drink and asking for a refill that Kevin gave after a moment of hesitation. "We were in a fucking skyscraper in the face of everyone and nobody fucking noticed us. They're not even trying in Cardiff. 'Oh who are those people getting out of a strange black SUV?' learn to fucking read, Torchwood is written everywhere..."

"What do you mean by 'us'?" the barman asked curiously.

"Shhht... I can't tell you," Ianto chuckled. "It's seeeecret..."

"Can I borrow your phone for a moment, Ianto?"

The young man nodded and handed him his phone. Kevin went through the few contacts quickly.

"What are you trying to do?"

"Someone needs to pick you up, you're going to get yourself killed," Kevin sighed. "Listen, who can I call? 'Rhi'?"

"Oooh! Naah, not Rhiii'..." Ianto said, looking outraged.

"Okay... I'm sorry, Ianto."

"Why?"

"I'm calling Jack," Kevin shrugged as he put the phone against his ear. While he talked, Ianto made signs with his hands, then tried to climb over the counter to take his phone back. He eventually managed to snap it from his friend's grip.

"Heyyyyy..."

"Ianto?" Jack's voice said in the phone, and Ianto actually growled. "I'm coming, don't move."

"I like it when you come..." Ianto said in a low voice, and he was almost sure Kevin face palmed in front of him, but he was too concentrated on his glass and the ongoing conversation.

"I've figured," Jack laughed, and Ianto groaned. "What was that?"

"I want you," Ianto whispered, suddenly needy.

"I won't be long. Do you want to keep talking?"

"Hell no, I just want to see you. Feel you. I want to feel your body clenching around mine."

"I'll be here in a minute," Jack said, breathless. Ianto didn't know if he was running or if it was because of what he was saying, but he decided it was the latter. "I have to hang up but wait for me please," Jack added in a breath and hung up.

Ianto swore at his phone and put it in his pocket, frustrated. He straightened up in his seat, wishing for Jack to be here as quickly as possible, but at the same time hating the man for hanging up on him.

"Sorry," Kevin sighed as he saw that Ianto was swinging between an okay and bad/angry mood.

"Doesn't matter," Ianto shrugged and lit up another cigarette. Kevin didn't refill his drink this time, and before he could protest, Jack was here. "My knight in armour! The discreet branch! At least he's good in bed. Hey, Kev'! Wanna know what they did for people like me? You want to know what Torchwood do for other people, broken, helpless, jobless people? They pay them. That's right, they give them money. A lot of money. For service given to the country, and compensation for everything we've lost. Friendships and love and memories... They want you to forget so they pay you astronomically. I'm fucking paid to shut up..."

"Okay that's enough," Jack cut in, grabbing Ianto's arm in one hand and taking the cigarette away from his mouth with the other. It worked as Ianto protested and tried to follow the cigarette. "Thank you Kevin, you're a good man," Jack said and forced Ianto out of the pub. He gave him his cigarette back but dragged him quickly to his flat, taking the keys from the man's pockets, not that he minded as he made an innuendo as Jack was fumbling through his pockets.

"What was this about?"

"Nothing," Ianto grumbled as he opened his wardrobe and took something from a place Jack couldn't see from the door he was leaning on. "Here for sex?"

"I'm here because you're not feeling well."

"What if sex doesn't make me feel better?" Ianto asked, taking place on the bed, cross-legged. He put his equipment in front of him as Jack frowned.

"What are you..."

"Isn't it fucking obvious?" Ianto retorted. Before he could go very far, Jack was in front of him and took the needle away from his hand.

"You're not taking drugs in front me!"

"Oh, like you care... Gimme that back, it's not yours," Ianto said, stretching his hand out, but Jack didn't give in.

"I won't watch you hurt yourself."

"And yet you keep coming here. Jack, give that back," he insisted, and stood up because Jack stepped away, holding the equipment behind his back.

"It's not the same thing, you're not hurting yourself. I can do with cigarettes, but I refuse to watch you drown into drugs."

"Fuck you, Jack. I need this more than you do."

"I don't want to steal it from you. And really, you need it? So you're an addict," Jack raised his eyebrows, and Ianto groaned.

"It makes me feel better. And yes, it hurts when I'm with you, so fucking give me everything back."

"What do you mean? Am I too rough?"

"No you're not. Well, you can be, but I can be way worse and you're not complaining..."

"What's hurting you then?" Jack asked, now worried. He didn't want to hurt in any way someone he was sleeping with.

"Fuck you," Ianto repeated.

"Ianto."

"The idea that I'm fucking the leader of something I want to forget about!" Ianto said between gritted teeth, his fists clenched in anger. Jack looked at him sharply.

"We're not Torchwood One."

"So you keep saying. Still Torchwood."

"I'm not here because I'm Torchwood."

"Then why the fuck are you here?!" Ianto asked, throwing his hands in the air. He was tired, so tired... When Jack didn't come up with a response, Ianto sighed and slumped into his bed, taking his head between his hands. "Why do you keep coming...?" he whispered.

Jack looked at him and finally moved, putting the equipment on the night table. He then knelt in front of him and put a hand on his knee. "Because it's nice," he simply answered, and Ianto scoffed. "I mean it, this place, you... It's nice. And maybe I'm trying to help you even if you refuse to see you need help..."

"I know I do. But I don't want help. Don't you think that people are just beyond repairing, sometimes?" Jack sighed and tightened his grip on Ianto's knee. "Be honest..."

"Honestly? I don't know," Jack shrugged. He finally sat on the bed next to Ianto and put his hand on his thigh instead of his knee. "I think it depends on people."

"So some can't be helped?"

"Everyone can get help."

"You got my point."

"Some stay broken all their life and never get over something? Yes. You have to want it, Ianto. Believe me when I see I know what you're going through."

"Do you?" Ianto scoffed, staring at his hands.

"I can imagine. I've lost people, too. I've seen my deal of dead bodies... Dead friends, dead lovers. I know what it feels like to be left alone in the middle of corpses. I know the smell of blood and other things. But I knew what I was signing for. I knew I'd meet death sooner rather than later, either by seeing it, or living it. You didn't, did you?"

Ianto stared at him for a while then shook his head. "No," he said sadly. "I really didn't. It was... I was not supposed to be in the middle of anything. Certainly not this..."

"I'm sorry you had to go through this. But life doesn't stop here, Ianto."

"How?"

"What?"

"How do you deal with this? With the memories, with the names. How do you deal with all the names? How do you not forget them? How do you stop feeling guilty for surviving?"

"Everyone deserves to live, Ianto, including you. An old friend would say everyone is important in the Universe."

"Even paedophiles?"

"Ugh... Well..." Jack stuttered, trying to come up with some answer, but Ianto chuckled.

"So, not everyone."

"Okay, but you aren't a paedophile. Are you?"

"No I'm not," he smiled, and Jack laughed.

He then kissed him on the temple and Ianto relaxed against him. They were silent for a while, and Ianto almost drifted off to sleep, but he could feel Jack tensing and could almost hear him think. He didn't say anything and stayed with his head against his shoulder, even when his back started to protest and ache. Eventually, Jack took a deep breath.

"Do you really want to die?"

Ianto closed his eyes, inwardly cursing. He should have expected that, as Jack had tried to talk about it in the past month, ever since Ianto had asked for help in this Weevil case. Ianto always avoided answering.

"What if I do?" he replied, and Jack tightened his grip on his waist until Ianto agreed on straightening up so they could look at each other in the eye.

"Don't," Jack whispered, and it felt too honest for Ianto who looked away.

"It's not that I want it. Not really... I don't know. Well I do, but it's hard to explain..."

"Try me," the Torchwood leader said, cupping his face so he would stop avoiding eye contact. Ianto looked at deep blue eyes. Sad eyes. Maybe it wasn't that hard to explain, especially if Jack felt the same.

"I want to die. But I know I can't. It's not fair, and... There's no point in surviving if I just die after, is there? I don't know, maybe I want to live, but I don't want to have a life."

"Then live. You'll eventually find meaning again. And to answer you, sometimes I don't manage. But I don't really have the choice, I'm not done here. So I keep going. I make friends every time, I keep caring, I keep loving, I keep helping the people I can, no matter what I lose."

"Then you're much braver and optimistic than I am," Ianto smiled kindly.

"Nah, I'm just old and experienced. When I was younger, people gave me second chances. I don't want to let these people down, even if they're not here anymore."

Ianto nodded and looked down. Torchwood had been his second chance, but it was gone. He wished he could think as Jack did, but he was just lost and broken, and he didn't have any friends left, not ones from his past. Loneliness didn't help.

They stayed silent for a while, until Jack kissed him lightly. He responded, letting desire take over him, washing away sorrow and sadness.

"Are you still drunk?" Jack asked as the young man was pushing him against the sheets and trying to kiss every inch of skin he could find.

"Nope," Ianto replied, straightening up to look at Jack, dark eyes meeting dark eyes.

"You're sure you want this now?" the man insisted, and Ianto didn't look away, trying to make him understand something he wasn't going to voice. He needed this. He needed him. Jack nodded his answer and they kissed again, less kindly, less carefully, with more teeth and tongues and lips, more desperately than before.

(Title from 27 by Fall Out Boy)

As usual, don't hesitate to leave a comment, it's what motivate and inspire me :) I don't have much to say, just that I managed to write, but I have an unfinished chapter in the middle of everything.
When I said that I'll probably do the Torchwood Fest (in October, for the ten years) in the previous chapter, it actually means I'll totally do it and as I write a lot I wanna write like three or four fic per day, can someone stop me? So I'll write less this one! (I still have like 8 chapters in advance, dont worry)