Dean watched his brother closely. They'd chained him to a chair in the basement, warded him with every sigil and warding spell they could think of. Cas was exerting a small amount of effort to keep Sam subdued. His head lolled against his shoulder and he was drooling. Exhaustion beat at Dean insistently. He'd driven for over twenty-four hours, and he was really starting to feel it.
"OK, Cas, let's ease up a bit and wake him up," Dean decided. Sam's head rolled and then came up. He blinked uncomprehendingly for a moment, then his eyes cleared and he snarled at them. All three of them gasped in shock, Dean loudest of all. Sam's eyes were a brilliant blue. What the Hell?
"Let me go!" Sam tugged at the chains ineffectively for a moment.
"Sorry, Sammy," Dean said regretfully. "You gotta stay here for now."
"Dean. Let. Me. Go." Sam bit off each word.
"No way. We need to talk. Or rather, I am going to talk and you, for once, are going to listen." Dean told him and was rewarded with a wordless growl. "You've done some bad stuff, Sam. I don't even know what to think about the things you've done, the damage you've caused. What the Hell, Sam? What were you thinking?"
"You wouldn't understand," Sam said sullenly. Dean paced in front of him.
"Well, I can't if you don't tell me. Why'd you do it? Banish Cas, steal the emerald of evil," Dean's voice began to climb the registers as he got more and more upset. "Going around the country murdering people, consorting with Lucifer-" Cas reached out and took Dean's hand, rubbing his thumb in circles on his knuckles. Sam noticed and smirked unpleasantly.
"You and the angel finally got around to fucking yet? No? Color me surprised." Dean lunged forward and was stopped by Cas' hand planted in the center of his chest. The angel propelled him backwards, out of the containment room and into the hall. He leaned forward to put his mouth at Dean's ear. Dean swallowed at the closeness and the familiar scent of the angel's skin.
"He's saying these things to upset you," Cas said softly. "You and I know the truth of our friendship. Why let him get to you in this way?" Dean shivered at the vibration of air over his ear. Cas leaned back and gave him a look that Dean suspected Cas thought was reassuring. But he was still too close, and his words combined with the gentle, almost affectionate expression on Cas' face was making his insides twist. Cas watched the play of emotions across Dean's face, felt them flit by so fast through the anchor he couldn't identify them.
"Get the Hell away from me, Gabriel!" Sam yelled behind them. Dean pushed past Cas and back to stand in front of his brother. Gabriel was turned away from Sam, raking one hand through his hair and muttering in Enochian, tears shimmering in his eyes.
"What's going on?" Dean asked roughly. Gabriel looked up at him, a tear escaping and running down his cheek.
"You noticed Sam's eyes?" he asked. Dean nodded, who could miss that? "Nearly half of Sam's soul had been supplanted by Lucifer's Grace. I can't tell if Lucifer wove more in there or if the piece that was there has grown."
"Like a cancer." Dean growled.
"Yes, exactly like that. "
"All right, Sam. That's it. I want some answers." Dean said firmly. Sam gave him a supercilious look.
"Ask me a proper question and I'll consider it," he sneered. Dean gritted his teeth.
"OK, fine. Why'd you steal the lapsit wotsit?" Sam stretched his neck, cracking a couple of bones in the process.
"It asked me to." he said finally. It wasn't much of an answer, but it confirmed what Gabriel had suspected, that the stone was able to communicate with Sam and influence him.
"And you agreed?" Dean pressed. "Just like that?" Sam looked away but didn't elaborate.
"We'll come back to that. How about you explain why you banished Cas? And maybe apologize while you're at it!" Cas squeezed Dean's arm and he backed off a little. The angel was right, pushing it too far too fast would make Sam clam up.
"I didn't plan it. Cas found me in the kitchen, with the lapsit exillis and was going to try to stop me. It was either banish him or try to kill him, and I didn't like my chances of doing the latter." Dean gulped, the only thing that had stopped him from killing Cas was he didn't think he could? Fuck. Sam smiled again, that creepy smile that looked so alien on his face. "I think I deserve some points for that at least."
"And Lucifer?" Dean asked. "Since when did you two become pen pals?" Sam began to laugh.
"Pen pals? What, are we back in grade school again?" he snorted. "And we're way more than pals, let me tell you." His grin took on a lascivious flavor, and Dean wanted to throw up. A quick look at Gabriel's face told him the archangel felt similarly.
"This isn't you," Dean asserted. "I don't get how Lucifer got you all tied up in knots like this. If anyone should know about how totally freaking evil he is, it's you. So, explain it to me Sam, because I really need to understand." Sam sighed and leaned his head back, huffing out a long breath.
"I don't have to explain myself to you," he retorted. "But for the record, he says he can help us deal with the Darkness. And, you know what? Unlike you three, he respects my decisions, treats me like an adult."
"Do you love him?" Gabriel asked suddenly, his voice shredded with pain.
"Yes," Sam replied. "Yes, I love him. He makes me happy." He gave another creepy smile. "Very happy." Gabriel made a sound like a suppressed sob. Dammit, Gabriel, why did you have to ask him that? Dean took a deep breath.
"OK, one more question. The murders. We've counted five that we're certain you did, and a couple more we're less sure about. You got anythin' to say about that?" Sam's face blanked.
"No," he said shakily. Dean's instincts perked up. This was their leverage.
"You sure? Cos, man I got a lot to say." he said tightly. Sam looked away again. "I read the FBI report, Sam. With all the details that they keep out of the papers because it would freak people out. I mean, you and me have never been afraid to kill when our lives were in danger. Or to protect someone else. But this?" Dean shook his head, suddenly feeling very tired. "I don't even know where to begin…"
"The first time was an accident," Sam said quietly, seeming to shrink in the chair.
"An accident," Dean repeated disbelievingly. "You accidently slit a man's throat and then-" His throat closed in rebellion at saying aloud what the federal investigation had determined. "I guess you just got overexcited? Is that what you're trying to tell me?" Sam began to shiver and when he looked up pleadingly, his eyes had returned to their normal color. Dean blinked.
"The lapsit exillis. It speaks to me. I feel this need inside me and it builds and it builds until I can't hold it back anymore. It likes violence, it likes death. The feeling I get when I give it what it wants is...indescribable. I hate it. But I can't resist. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. But the more I resist, the worse it is when I can't hold on any longer. Lucifer says it's OK. That the sacrifices are necessary." Sam shook his head slowly, back and forth. "I want to believe him. But it's getting so hard. I feel like I lose a piece of myself every time I take another life." Dean opened his mouth to speak but Cas tugged at his arm in warning.
"Sam," Gabriel said gently. "You know what's right and what's wrong. Spilling innocent blood feels wrong to you, and you know it. If Lucifer says it's necessary, doesn't that make you question what he'd doing?" Sam drew in a heaving breath, and his face paled. Gabriel seemed to steel himself. "I still love you, Sam. I don't care if you don't feel the same way about me. It doesn't matter, I still care about what happens to you. I want you to be happy. I want that more than anything. I won't claim I'm not angry with you, that you haven't hurt me and Castiel and Dean really, really badly. We'll get over it, we'll forgive. But you have to come back to us. You have to give up this insane idea of releasing Lucifer from his Cage." The archangel shuddered with suppressed emotion. "Please, Sam." Sam's face shuttered.
"Go away. All of you. Just leave. Leave me alone." he snarled. His eyes were blue once more.
They locked Sam down as thoroughly as possible and trudged upstairs to regroup. Had things not been so dire, Dean might have been amused that it was Cas who made a beeline for the bourbon, sloshing generous measures into three glasses and thrusting them onto the library table. Dean picked his up and swallowed it in one gulp, then indicated that Cas should refill the glass again. He drank three more glasses this way, silent and grim. Gabriel followed suit, although he did not try to match Dean glass for glass. Cas had no such compunction. For thirty minutes the three of them did nothing but sit and drink, nobody meeting anyone else's eyes. Dean went to recharge their glasses again, only to see the bottle was empty. He dragged himself upright and snagged a new bottle from the cabinet.
"That isn't Sam, not really. It's like another personality has arisen inside him, a piece broken off by the lapsit exillis... Fuck." Gabriel said expressively. "Just...fuck."
"Yeah," Dean said in agreement. "Fuck." Cas' gaze flicked between his brother and Dean.
"Am I supposed to participate in the swearing as well?" he asked tentatively. Dean shrugged.
"If you like," he replied.
"It's cathartic," Gabriel added. Castiel looked uncertain. Dean patted his hand.
"It's OK, Cas. You need to get your drunk on a bit more, is all." He gave the angel a weak smile. Gabriel tried to stand up, failed and sat back down.
"Fuck," he said again. Dean knew exactly what he meant.
"Do you need help, Gabriel?" Castiel asked. Gabriel began to shake his head in denial but changed his mind halfway through the motion.
"Yeah. Yeah, maybe." Castiel helped him to his feet and guided him out of the library. Dean tilted the chair back and propped his feet on the table. His head was swimming, he'd managed to put away a serious amount of liquor in a very short amount of time. He drifted there for a moment, and when he heard Cas come back into the library he didn't look up.
"Gabriel OK?" he slurred.
"Yes," Cas said, his voice gravelly with pain.
"C'mere, Cas." Dean said. The angel appeared, looking down at him with a sorrowful expression.
"Dean, I'm sorry. I know this is hard. We will fix Sam. I will find a way." Dean blinked slowly and Cas kneeled down to be closer to his eye level. He grasped Dean's hand and the hunter gave a lopsided smile. Cas' was staring at him, all earnestness and sincerity and Dean reached out to the angel, pulled him in for a hug. Cas resisted for a moment, then let the hunter draw him close. Dean tucked his nose into Cas' neck, and breathed. Cas always smelled so good. He settled in comfortably, just leaning against his friend and letting the sensation of being held soothe and settle him. He was warm, and comfortable and the alcohol in his bloodstream began to lull him to sleep.
Cas closed his eyes, allowing himself to just enjoy this rare opportunity to be genuinely close to Dean. It was dangerous, he knew and he'd suffer for it later. But he'd never been as cautious as he should have been around the hunter. He'd been arrogant when he'd placed the anchor, believing that he had control of the situation. Angels like Uriel and Raphael were openly contemptuous of humanity and he'd fought them for it. But he'd fallen foul of the sin himself, dismissing human emotion and how it drove them to act in unpredictable ways as an avoidable flaw. His shock when the anchor had first exposed him to the broad depth and complexity of human feelings had almost overwhelmed him.
Cas realized that Dean had in fact fallen asleep and carefully picked him up as he stood and carried him to his room. He leaned down to place Dean on the bed, but the hunter held on tightly. He tried to pull himself free, but somehow Dean managed to hang on. Finally, completely unable to detach the older Winchester, he lay down on the bed with him, and let him curl into his side. There was something about this feeling, of lying here with Dean pressed against his side, his head on Cas' shoulder that felt familiar. He couldn't quite understand how, since Dean was notoriously prickly about his personal space but for once the hunter was giving in to the need for physical comfort and it gave the angel a sense of peace and contentment that he had no comparison for.
Dean gradually became aware that he was lying in bed with another person. He was tucked in against their side, his head resting on their shoulder. He breathed in and then jerked when he recognized the scent of Cas' skin. He looked up in confusion, to see Cas looking down at him, a strange expression on the angel's face.
"Uh," Dean said. "Hi."
"Hello, Dean," the angel rumbled.
"Uh, what're we doin' here?" Dean asked in sleepy puzzlement.
"I'm sorry, Dean," Cas said, his voice weirdly tense. "You wouldn't let go of me when I carried you to bed last night. I had no choice but to stay." Dean froze and then began to pull away from Cas, but the angel held him tightly.
"I do not say this to make you leave now," Cas said. "I am quite comfortable. I simply do not wish to make you uncomfortable." Dean stopped moving and settled back into his position on Cas' shoulder. He shouldn't. He should get up and get as far away from Cas as he could, that only pain and heartbreak lay in this direction. Cas was only here because he'd forced the issue and the angel was too polite to withdraw. But he indulged himself in the warmth and comfort of lying here with Cas. And resolved never to let it happen again.
Cas for his part felt very strange. The feeling of Dean cuddled into his body like this was indescribable. But he knew that he and Dean had never done anything like this before. Or had they? He'd noticed last night that there was an aching familiarity to it, but he could find no instances in his memory where they had done so. Of course, he still had all those bizarre gaps in his memory after awaking from his coma. Gaps that Dean and Gabriel seemed curiously unsurprised by. And then there was Gabriel's cryptic insistence that he could not tell Cas what it was that had changed about his relationship with the older Winchester. The final piece of the puzzle was Sam's snide suggestion that he and Dean might be having sexual relations. It was an accusation so peculiar, he had expected Dean to simply laugh it off or ignore it. But that wasn't how the hunter had responded at all. Instead, he had exploded with rage, and when Cas had pulled him off and dragged him away, he had felt incredible anger and resentment and agonizing pain throbbing through the anchor. Cas thought about that reaction. He really needed Gabriel's advice. The archangel's extensive experience of human emotions would be really helpful in decoding all of this. But so far, Gabriel had steadfastly refused to discuss it, claiming he was protecting Dean. Like the world had turned upside down in the few days he had been unconscious.