AN: Over 100 reviews! Thank you so much! You are all so wonderful! I hope I can continue to make you laugh with my ridiculous words!
Chapter 10: Champagne Chocolate Puffs
Jacob Black was in a tizzy. This was an uncommon occurrence due to the very common fact that nothing, absolutely nothing fazed Jacob. A robbery at the Quickie Mart...No Biggie. When he almost ran over a cat...who cares? Not showering for two weeks...it' just his manly musk. That's why Bella was concerned to see Jacob panicked. Not too concerned, because she just wanted him to leave. Yet she was concerned enough to give him a donut in a to-go bag and to attempt not to mock him as she sent him on his merry way.
"You don't understand, Bella, what if she's dead?" He threw up his hands and exclaimed, "Please, God, protect my sweet, little piece of ass!"
Bella's concern withered like a dying flower on a vine. "How romantic, you idiot."
Jacob's face twisted in a frown. "You know what, Baby Cakes; she hasn't called me once since Christmas! I tried to find her here, but gay flower boy said she quit! Also, if I knew how to check my email then I bet I wouldn't find one of those either."
"There are so many points I need to drill into that bonehead skull of yours. Let's start with an easy one, which is if you ever call me 'baby cakes' again I will beat you with my heavy duty rolling pin. My father is the chief and your boss, so I will get off of any charges that you try to pin on me."
"Hey..." Jacob hated when Bella went off and started ranting nonsense to him. She wasn't so pretty when she did things like that.
Bella slapped the counter. "I haven't finished. Second, you just prayed to the heavens and called your girlfriend a 'piece of ass'. Not cool at all and I wouldn't blame her for leaving you. Third, never ever talk about Liam and Peter in a derogatory way again or that heavy duty rolling pin will come out in a jiffy."
It was decided quickly in Bella's mind that if Liam or Peter told Jacob that Alice quit it might be for a good reason. Then Bella decided, even quicker, that if this reason came from Alice it wasn't good at all. Yet, having the boys agreeing to said poorly designed plan made Bella really want to help out the insane Alice. Decisions. Decisions.
Her assistants couldn't stand Jacob for good reason. He targeted them for so many unwarranted criminal infractions. A speeding ticket here, a disorderly conduct there, But nothing ever panned out, because the whole town knew that Jacob lied. Her father had a file on Jacob as thick as an encyclopedia, but due to Bella's father's friendship with Billy he was taking Jacob's termination slow. Instead, hoping enough hours of desk duty, making coffee and cleaning the vomit out of the cells would get Jacob to quit. Saturday night was big in Forks for the drunk and disorderly to fill the station with puke. That is why Jacob was always on duty those nights with mop and bucket in hand.
Stick it to Jacob or not stick it to Jacob? That is the question, Bella asked herself...survey says...let's make him suffer.
"You know, Jake, I would really like to help," Bella lied. "Unfortunately, she quit."
"What?" Jacob yelled. "It's true?"
"I know. It's a travesty of the highest order." Not really, because Alice was a horrendous employee.
Then a very high pitched, wheezing voice cackled, "Helloooo, dearie. I am Mrs. MacDougal. I'm your new employee."
Bella's mouth dropped open. It was Alice, dressed up in an old house dress covered in fuchsia flowers. A gray wig perched lopsided on her head and poorly drawn wrinkles all over her face. It was like a four year old went crazy and used her as a giant dress up doll. Of course, Jacob didn't notice.
"Al...Alright, Mrs. Mac...ahh..."
"Donald, it is dearie."
"No, I thought I heard MacDougal. I must have been mistaken." Bella shot Alice an annoyed look.
Alice tried to cover her tracks. "Right you are dearie."
Bella realized once again that Alice was not only an idiot, but the worst actress ever. Lucky for Alice, Jacob was the worst at everything including figuring out Alice's horrible disguise.
"Hey lady, this is my woman's job!" Jacob yelled.
"Ohhhh...you are hurting my poor ears! I'm an old lady, sonny! Keep it down!" Alice hit him with a wooden cane. "Go home, boy, the young lady doesn't work here anymore. I need to get working over here for this little missy!"
Alice's accent was awful, but Alice herself would disagree. Jasper told her she was a fabulous actress and should be on the Broadway stage, as he dressed her up and helped plan her old lady make up. Jasper was right about everything and Alice had a great need to lick him in thanks.
Today was a big day at the bakery and Bella didn't have time for Jacob and Alice drama. New Year's Eve was a big deal in Forks for those who like to eat sweet foods. There wasn't much in the way of fancy celebrations so it was either the Eighties Hair Band Dance Off at the One Eyed Buffalo Saloon or sitting on your couch cramming cupcakes in your mouth watching a New Year's Rockin' Eve on the television. Needless to say, Bella's bakery was very popular.
"Jacob, I suggest check the corner of Main Street and Mountain Road. I heard she likes to stand on the corner there. If you know what I'm saying?" Bella wiggled her eyebrows and was promptly whacked by a cane by an irate Alice Cullen. "Ouch! That was not necessary!"
Alice glared, while Jacob looked confused and luckily for the increasingly annoyed Bella, Rosalie came rushing through the door. Bella was taken aback by the wild look in Rosalie's eyes and the way she was flailing her arms. She looked like a demented chicken.
"Did the clothes come yet? Those Cullen men are seriously insane if they think we are going to be dressed like whores! I tell you what, Isabella Swan...we are no hookers! I am going to hang Emmett by his ankles and swing him around until he gets some sense!" Rosalie yelled.
Bella muttered, "Sounds kinky."
Rosalie ignored her friend and was ready to start another yelling diatribe, when she noticed Jacob. "Black, get your damn donuts on your own time! You're on duty!"
"Rosie..." He began, but quickly backtracked as he noticed Rosalie's angry face. "Officer Hale, it has come to my attention that my honey butt has disappeared! I am afraid she has been kidnapped by gypsies!"
"You, Black, are a moron of the highest order. I suggest you check on the corner of High Street and Sullivan Boulevard. I heard she's been standing around and making friends. If you know what I'm sayin'?" Rosalie wiggled her eyebrows and noticed the angry Alice waving a cane at her. "Who's the old biddy...no way! Is that..."
Bella quickly threw her hand over her best friend's mouth. "It's a new hire. I've been busy around here with Alice working on corners. You probably should check that out, Jacob. Of course, that gypsy angle also sounds promising."
Bella and Rosalie started to snicker.
"If you see her, please just tell Alice I'm looking for her." Jacob shuffled out looking down in a dejected manner.
Bella smirked. "I would feel sorry for him if he wasn't such a terrible person. What are you thinking Alice?"
"Well... What are you thinking with those hooker comments?" Alice snarled.
"Funny," Rosalie said with a grin.
"I was aiming for hilarious," Bella stated.
"Back to the original question, what are you thinking, Alice?" Rosalie inquired, repeating Bella's ignored question.
Alice looked brightly at the snarky girls. "Well, Jasper thought..."
"Oh no you don't, Cullen with boobs! My brother should never be asked about anything important. He can't deal with his own shit, never mind another person's shit." Rosalie didn't think Alice wanted her advice, but Rosalie wasn't about to censor her thoughts. Those two crazies could make her job much harder with their harebrained antics.
"You are so silly, Rosie-boo! Jasper is a fabulous man. You should be nicer to him. He did my makeup today."
"Alice, are you dating my brother?" Rosalie was trying to keep her temper in check. Even though she thought Jasper was most likely off his rocker, he was still her brother. It would make her want to pummel the weird Alice if she was playing him for a fool. "Are you dating both Jasper and Jacob?"
"No, Jasper is concerned that Jacob won't take me ending the relationship well. It might be better just to ignore him and hope he forgets. That's what Jazzy thinks." Alice beamed. Bella thought Alice and Jasper's plan was horrible in so many ways. "I wish for Jasper to be mine, but alas he still is enraptured with Bella here."
"I'm not enraptured with him," Bella mumbled.
Alice grabbed Bella's hand, which Bella Immediately yanked away, "I know, dear Bella, never fear I know this. I shall win Jasper's heart and we will all be bestest of friends! Plus, you love Edward!"
"First, bestest isn't a word. Second, I don't love your brother," Bella snarled at the ridiculous girl.
"Then why am I helping you get ready for your date tonight?"
"Alice, it's a New Year's outing, not a date. I don't need your help putting on the slutty dress that Edward picked out." Bella was secretly thrilled to be going out on a New Year's Eve. Even though, Bella was happily a hermit on the weekends, she had always wanted to dress up to ring in the upcoming year. Plus, she secretly wanted to see Edward all dressed up and then undressed up and feeding her pancakes for breakfast. That she would probably had to cook, because destroying the positive taste of food was a Cullen family trait.
"It's a gorgeous sapphire blue dress. You'll love it!" Alice trilled. "Rosalie's looks like it was ripped off of a stripper. Emmett did pick it out, so that's not a surprise."
"I told you! Emmett is a dead man! Tonight is going to be the worst night ever!" Rosalie huffed.
Bella had to disagree, no matter what, she had a feeling this was going to be the most interesting night that she had in a long time.
XXXXXXXXX
The Fork's American Legion was the only place in town that had a large open floor plan. For this reason, it was often used for the big celebrations in town. It housed wedding receptions, baby showers and St. Paul's Bingo Night. It was a passable spot if you throw up some streamers, a couple balloons and clean up the sunflower seed shells that were spitted onto the floor.
That's why Rosalie and Bella were amazed by the transformation of the room. It would have been held up to the same standards at the finest reception halls in the major cities. Decorated in glistening silver and gold with elaborate floral arrangements of white gardenias in tall glass vases, it was a vision.
Bella, dressed in a stunning, yet tight blue dress with a deep dip in the front, was barely standing upright in the heels that Edward purchased for her. "Who did this? It looks like an Esme job. That lady has too much time on her hands."
Rosalie, tugged at the extremely too short bottom of the fire engine red hooker dress that Emmett decided was her perfect look. Rosalie thought she should be going undercover in a prostitution ring. "Who are all these people?"
Officer Hale was correct in her observation of the many strangers that were in attendance of this soirée. Rosalie was first and foremost a police officer, which made her suspicious of everyone and everything. Before she could grab her evidence notepad out of her purse to jot down some notes, two large hands grabbed her waist and purred, "Baby, you look so hot, I'm going to ride you on the buffet table."
"I am going to book you for lewd behavior, Emmett Cullen." Rosalie pushed the big lug away from her.
"How lewd are we talking about, my lovah?" Emmett was swooning at his goddess. The meaner she was, the hotter he got. He had his fingers crossed that she brought her handcuffs.
"Emmett, can we please have some decorum. Our lovely dates don't need to hear such vulgarity." Edward grabbed Bella's hands and pulled her close. "Jesus, you look amazing!"
Bella rolled her eyes. She pushed him away and plopped down at a table. Her feet were killing her. "I would say thanks, but I won't. These shoes you and your sick twisted mind picked out are killing my toes. I am not even going to get into the blisters that are destroying my delicate feet. Are you a sociopath?"
"Baby, they make you look even more beautiful! Plus, you will be so consumed with pleasure when they are wrapped around my waist, you'll forget all about the pain."
"You're kidding, right? Let me give you some insight, Annie. The sun doesn't always come out tomorrow. It's a hard knock life and you aren't getting my legs wrapped around anything that involves you."
"Did you just mock me with an Annie reference?" Esme was a huge fan of the movie. Edward was forced to watch too many times, making him imagine his testosterone levels dropping severely at every viewing.
"I did. I have been waiting to use it for weeks. Thanks for the help." Bella smiled.
Rosalie sat next to Bella, while trying to pull the nonexistent fabric of her dress down. She could see several men stare in hope that she would open her legs and give them a show. She should arrest them for being peeping toms. "That was a great one, you silly slut. His hair does have that curly, clown red bounce, doesn't it?"
Edward was annoyed. He spent way too much on hair product to give his hair that just out of bed tousle that the ladies normally loved. He would have to discuss this with his stylist Heidi at his next hair appointment. Obviously, he needed to try some new gel.
"Hey, Rosalie, I think I see Daddy Warbucks over there!" Bella pointed to a bald, older man, who had the unfortunate taste to wear leather pants.
Edward ignored the women's childish laughs. "Ladies, be nice. That is Mr. John Jenks. He is a very important invest...friend of Carlisle's."
Rosalie immediately caught Edward's slip. There was definitely something up with this shindig. There needed to be some digging done.
Before any questions to the real reasons of this event could be asked, a ruckus could be heard nearby. A shocked Angela was whimpering in a corner. She was clutching the lace collar of her dress and trying to stifle her tears. Her love, Ben was muttering something about Klingons and the Empyreal Guard. A tall, blond man smirked at them. He looked over at Bella and winked.
Bella quickly got up and was followed closely by Rose. Whatever that man said to sweet Angela and emotionally awkward Ben was upsetting to them. It was enough to have both women seeing red.
"Angela, what happened?" Bella asked rubbing her sad friend's back, while attempting to ignore the creepy man who was staring her.
"That...that...that man prop...prop...prop...propositioned me..me..me," Angela stammered.
Rosalie growled, "What did he ask for?"
"To buy my business," Angela stated. Rosalie and Bella started to sigh in somewhat relief, until Angela continued with a squeak, "Also for sex!"
"What is wrong with you, jackass?" Rosalie asked the now leering man. She grimaced at him, uncomfortable with the looks he was giving her.
Bella started to wave her hands in front of Ben's face. He was now whispering about Tribbles versus Ewoks mating habits. "What's wrong with Ben?"
"He goes off into his own world when he or I get upset. Also, he sometimes does this after sex. He seems to get overstimulated when we role play, Game of Thrones." Angela's sniffles started to recede as she reminisced about a particularly rigorous interlude using strategically placed pieces of armor.
Bella just looked at Angela like she lost her ever loving mind.
The creepy man, or as Bella called him in her head, Mr. Staring Problem threw out a request to the women. "I have a fucking fantastic idea, gorgeous girlies! How about the four of us head back to my motel? You girls can start licking and caressing and I'll jump in."
James Harrison was not invited. He wouldn't have been invited by Edward anywhere. Edward was going to hurt Emmett for this mess. Emmett was told in no uncertain terms to have no further contact with that cretin. Sure, James was loaded. He could bring much needed capital in this little town, but he was also a monster who treated women horribly. In fact, James made Edward look like the poster boy for the National Organization for Women. Edward and Emmett rushed to help their ladies before the whole night was ruined.
"James, I think you need to lea..." Edward began.
"What escort service did you find these little hoes? I need that number." James continued to leer.
Emmett bellowed, "My baby can beat your ass. She's super cop!
"Stop degrading my date!" Edward frowned at the slimy jerk before him. "She's the owner of the best bakery in the West."
"Isn't that the one I was businesses I was interested in buying? I was planning on sticking a Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt in there!"
"What?" Bella yelled.
"I knew he was up to something!" Rosalie gave a little victory dance. That Edward was going down!
"It's not what you think!" Edward pleaded.
"Damn my girl has the best boobs!" Emmett exclaimed
That's when all hell broke loose. Garrett rushed in wearing a sandwich board that proclaimed the evils of the town being destroyed by The Cullen's. He quickly looked around to see his Bella standing dressed so beautifully next to the town destroyer, Edward Cullen.
"Bella, what are you doing here?" Garrett asked. Cullen must have kidnapped her.
Bella looked embarrassed. "I'm just standing around and being deceived."
Bella looked so sad that Garrett wanted to comfort her. He thought a kiss would help. That might be a bit misleading, since he really wanted to remove the memory of that giant, Emmett Cullen's lips on his. That's why he grabbed Bella and kissed her hard on the lips.
It wasn't bad in Garrett's opinion. She tasted a bit too sweet, like candy. He had always enjoyed salty things more. Bella just wanted the lips to be on Edward's.
Edward saw this and pushed down Garrett to the floor. Garrett started trying to pull himself up, but the heavy boards kept him down. Edward stood closely in front of Bella and whispered loudly, "Mine!"
Edward kissed Bella like his life depended on it. Bella kissed him back with equal parts anger, disappointment and to her surprise love.
The rest of the partygoers lost interest quickly at the amorous couple for the night's entertainment had arrived. For in the entrance stood the one the only, Jasper dressed as Father Time and little Alice wearing only a diaper and a bikini top as Baby New Year.
Rosalie just shook her head and murmured, "Let the festivities begin."