Author's Note: The dramatic jump in views/alerts has been quite encouraging! However I have notice--you really didn't think I wouldn't, did you?--that for the 1739 hits I have, I have only received 27 reviews. Please dear readers? Though I don't consider myself completely daft I do realize that is only one review for every 63 hits. Anonymous reviews are acceptable, so spare a thought, and review. Please!
Disclaimer: While I may not own Twilight or Edward Cullen they both may be running rampant in my head.
Tracking
By Itaque
I tried to ignore the omnipresent feeling of deja vu that now peppered my life. It wasn't as though I had other things to think about. I ran swiftly towards the car, this time I disregarded my surroundings. The trees and ground melded together in a earthy blur as I sped past them. I followed the trail I had created loosely straying towards either side to lengthen my journey. I wasn't used to this constant travelling. True, when it had been just Carlisle and myself we had travelled for great distances stopping rarely and briefly. But over the past few decades as our small coven had continued to grow we found it simpler to stay in one place. It wasn't that we resented moving, it made no difference, to myself at least. However it indicated a certain tameness about us. We were not the typical nomads. We chose to embrace our existence and life the personas we created for ourselves. We enjoyed some regularity, it made us feel more humane.
I pushed the thoughts out of my head, maybe I would stop later. Maybe. It wasn't as though I needed to sleep or take a shower. I hadn't released body fluids for over a century, dirt was only superficial and could be dusted off. What would I do, read? I wasn't able to concentrate on a thought process let alone a novel. Once again I released all frivolous thoughts from my head. I focused on the nagging doubt that had been itching me from the moment I reached the end of Victoria's trail. It was easier in fact to ignore the repeated sense of loss, the feeling that I had failed. I simply was not used to this. Perhaps I was acquainted the continual feeling of moving. After all an eternity was quite a long time to stay in one place. But it was this emotion of losing that was unfamiliar. The idea that I would reach a place only to realize what I was searching for had already left. It felt quite like I was a blind man clutching weakly at air, calling out for something that was long gone. I sighed. Hunting was not supposed to be this difficult. Searching, apparently, was. It was as though I was continually driving or running. Though, I supposed that it was good. I found it was easier, if only a modicum, if I was engaged to put away the feelings that bombarded me. I was a fool to think that this would be possible. Not the hunting of Victoria, that would be only too easy. But,this. This endless agony that would have killed any mortal or immortal with one ounce less of willpower than I had. Amid the millions of words that I had gathered over the years there was no single word that could describe what I was going through. Perhaps I would have to use my own hapax legomenon, a word used only once in the written record of language. Of course this word would only occur once. I doubt that anyone, human, immortal or otherwise would have experienced what I was going through. Maybe she, Bell--no, she would not feel but a drop of the agony that was coursing through my body. It was not capable for two people, or one, I corrected, to feel so much pain. This cut deeper than I would have liked to admit. It only redefined and brought to my attention the never ending gap between Bella and myself. She would move on--as I wanted, I reminded myself--and I would remain. Would she ever know the depth of my love? I would give anything, even this wretched state now, to insure her safety. I would let that witch Jane loose on me if it guaranteed that Bella would continue her normal human life. Just, I winced at how short my time with her had been, a year ago I would not have done that. The flood of emotions that racked my body in the past year was inexplicable. I had felt jealousy, love, and desire in one brief period. I knew, as I had tried to deny until that moment, that staying away from Bella was torture. I would admit it. Previously I had denied it. I had believed that this was acceptable. That this state that I was currently in would--not diminish, for I knew it would never--only escalate over time. I had denied the fact that it was torture because torture referred to a pain, a secret or reason to be pained for. Though I knew this was painful, excruciatingly so, I never claimed it was torture. This was worth the reason, the secret. I would suffer gladly for Bella, willingly. Love changed you in undeniable ways, this was simply one. But claiming that this pain was torture suddenly didn't seem like a tarnishing element of our love. It proved, rather, the extent of our love. It showed me that I would suffer in physical pain without her.
Suddenly, I unwillingly remembered another attempt when I had tried to stay away from Bella. Though she may not have realized how much it hurt me, I had suffered during the weeks that I had ignored her. After the car accident I had promised my family never to contact her again. It wasn't right for us to get involved with the humans. That would lead to exposure which would danger not only myself but all of my family. I owed them better. And, it was harmful to our family as well as Bella. Too much information would mean that she would, I winced, have to be destroyed. In an attempt to save her life I had forced myself never to talk to her again. It had been agony. But, I reminded myself, I didn't truly know I was in love with her then. I had been warned by Alice that I would fall in love, but I hadn't fully realized it myself. At that time I hadn't crept into her room. I hadn't heard her whisper my name through her subconciously controlled lips, watching her dark hair flow across her pillow, seeing the moon's luminescent dance across her translucent skin. I shuddered, sobbing soundless tears. Surely it was different now? I knew I truly loved her. I knew that and it fueled this now. My actions, the only reason I was gone from her side know was because of this love. I adored her more than she would every know, and it was for this singular reason that I had gone. I knew I wasn't good enough for her, I would never be. Surely now I wouldn't fail. Now I would have something other than sheer determination to support me. My love. Using every experience I had lived with her--for I had only really existed when with her.
It would be easier to succeed now, wouldn't it? I hadn't held her in my arms then, I hadn't danced with her, I hadn't taken her to a place that would always be sacred to her. The meadow. The sunlight doused ethereal place. A location I had created for her, a place I wanted to share with her, and her alone. I winced once more, what was I trying to do? Kill myself in anguish? Was that even possible? With that I stopped driving abruptly. It was too much to handle. I couldn't remember every touch, every motion, every expression...I slumped forward against the wheel nearly snapping it off. I leaned over to grab my duffle bag when my fingers hit something hard. I glanced towards to the top pocket noticing the bulge there for the first time. I hadn't been too hasty while packing had I? I unzipped it quickly wondering what could be protruding to produced the form. There sticking out on the top of the bag was the very proof of our love. It was the green plastic lid, the memento from the first time we had truly talked. It was a souvenir, of sorts, that first discussion we had had in the cafeteria. The first time she had agreed to talked with me. My facade crumbled. I pulled the car into the woods and curled on to the ground. Then once again I allowed the pain to wash over my broken heart.