Thorns Wither
by sharnii
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
~W.B. Yeats~
Chapter 10: Her Meddlesome Heart
The world whirled in place, a million swords piercing a million rose petals - a carousel ridden by the corpses of princes. I choked for breath. Somebody screamed. The world faded into red, then black, then went away entirely.
When I woke I wasn't sure where I was.
"Come here, Anthy," said the most familiar voice I knew and I immediately recognized my brother (although the relationship was a well-kept secret), the powerful feudal ruler of the Ohtori province.
"Yes Akio-sama," I murmured, uncertain as to why I'd been lying on the floor when I should have been getting ready. Quickly I moved through the gap in the bamboo screens, into the lavishly decorated room where he knelt awaiting my service.
"Tea," he ordered, paying me more attention than he usually did, his green eyes unusually intense.
Kneeling I began to prepare the tea ceremony.
"You know, Anthy," he purred, "you've always been my favorite Oiran."
I stopped pouring and smiled at him, unsure of how to respond. He didn't usually compliment me. However my training and role meant that it was my responsibility to keep things comfortable, and pleasantly flirtatious. So I laughed lightly.
"Thank you." I poured his tea. "You've always been my favorite Daimyo*."
"Naturally," he said. "I'm your only Daimyo." His voice was also light but there was iron in the way he gripped his tea cup. "If you were to accept another client I would order his death." He smiled again, and took a sip. "There's no point in ordering yours, of course."
"Of course," I said, thinking it best to lower my gaze.
"Do you like this game?" he asked next, and I couldn't help but look at him again, thankful for the heavy makeup that helped to mask my surprise.
(No glasses here… Now where had that strange thought come from? And what were glasses?)
"Yes," I said, aiming to be coquettish, "for that is part of the game."
"Yes," he said, "just as it is the game for you to lie."
"Would I lie to you?" I fluttered my lashes.
"No more than I would lie to you."
We gazed at each other in heavy irony. Eventually he reached over the table and took my hand in his. From appearances it looked to be an amorous gesture, but he gripped so tightly my bones ground together. I bit my lip and bore it in silence.
"I've been thinking," he said slowly, watching my face carefully, "about changing this game."
"Oh?" I managed to say.
"For your sake," he purred, "so that we will have more heroes to pick from, and a greater chance of attaining eternity."
"Yes," I said, not believing that anymore than he did. Besides he'd said this all before. The game had changed before, changed again, then changed back. Akio grew bored, and I grew too inured to a version of pain for his tastes.
"Perhaps I will let other daimyo enjoy your…hospitality too. After they win the honor of course. Perhaps in a contest of combat."
"Duels again?" I guessed, keeping my expression devoid of anything but polite interest. I knew my lack of apprehension would annoy him. It did; his lip curled for a moment in an almost-sneer.
"Yes." He smoothed his lip. "Men do so enjoy fighting over a beautiful woman." His hand began to tug me inexorably toward him. "You, sister, are very beautiful."
He began dragging me over the low table, knocking aside the crockery, spilling tea everywhere. Some of it seeped through my exquisite kimono, burned my skin, but I didn't cry out. Didn't give him that pleasure on top of this one.
"Anthy!" screamed a stranger's voice, and I goggled from my awkward position. Said stranger was crashing through the screen, sword leading the way. It was a young samurai, helmet-less, long pink hair swirling about his angry face.
"Get away from her!" he yelled at Akio, who ignored him to finish pulling me into his lap.
"I'll kill you!" yelled the samurai, and I wondered at his intensity when I'd never seen him before. (Although he did seem familiar; his righteous fury was like something out of a misplaced memory.) The samurai pulled back his sword and started to charge, but Akio pulled me around roughly so I was positioned as his very own human shield.
The samurai stopped mid-charge in a marvelous display of agility, sweeping his sword in a desperate arc to help himself balance.
"Anthy!" he cried again, and his voice broke girlishly. Now that he'd stopped moving I got a better look at him, and I stared uncomprehendingly. Not a man, but a woman. A woman, gazing at me with big blue eyes that begged me for something, I didn't know what. Impossible. A female samurai?! Whoever heard of such a foolish thing…
"What is this?" she growled, turning back to Akio. "Where the hell are we and what the hell's going on?!"
"I didn't bring us here," said my brother smoothly, in a tone I recognized as meaning he was well pleased with himself. "You did that."
"You tricked me!" hissed the girl. "You did…something…" Her face crumbled as she looked at me.
"Don't you recognize me?" she pleaded.
"Why would she?" purred Akio. "It's the Edo Period, and by the way, you look ridiculous in that outfit."
Utena (I suddenly remembered her name) looked down at herself, studied the armor in confusion, then glared back at Akio.
"You dirty bastard."
"I'd take that off," he said, "before you get lynched in the street." His smile was mocking, edging on triumphant. "Don't you know…women can't be samurai."
"And where have I heard that before?" she snarled back, and it wasn't really a question. She marched toward us, sword out threateningly and I cowered back against Akio's chest, unsure of what she wanted.
"Is that really such a good idea?" Akio asked complacently, even as Utena grabbed my arm. I winced but didn't pull back.
"Shut up," she told him, and then she closed her eyes and I felt the buildup of power in the air, the same kind as I normally associated with my long-lost brother, Dios. I stared wildly at Akio, who was pushing me away now, and rising to his feet. How was this happening?! How did she have access to…
The world whirled in place. The last thing I saw was Akio's leer and then I heard the whir of arrows, the clank of metal on metal, and felt a million broken shards of china. Fields of flowers dancing in the breeze. The whisper of silk against the skin, the gods' own winds blowing the scent of blood across the sea.
The world whirled back into being. I blinked rapidly, trying to ascertain where I was. When I was.
We were in the sunroom, sprawled around the room like fallen soldiers: Juri, Miki, Saionji, Utena and I. The others were beginning to get up amidst muttered groans. I had landed with Utena on top of me, and now I lay quite still as she began to stir. For some reason I felt slightly afraid.
Utena's eyes opened and she pushed herself up so she hovered over me, no longer a dead weight.
"Anthy?" she asked anxiously. Vaguely I noticed she was dressed in the black prince's outfit she'd worn to the ball, that we were back home (as we'd originally intended). Piece by china piece I gathered my scattered wits.
"Anthy?" she repeated, lifting a shaking hand to stroke my cheek. "Say something."
I cleared my throat. I didn't like the worry in her eyes.
"What would you like me to say?" I asked politely, then closed my eyes in self-irritation. "I mean…I'm fine." I opened my eyes to find her looking terrified.
"Utena-sama, I'm fine," I repeated, then bit my lip at the second unexpected slip-up. Utena's eyes had filled with tears.
"Utena," I corrected myself, placing my hand over hers. "Sorry."
She chewed her lip and helped me sit up.
"Y…you're sure you're okay?"
"Yes," I said, although I wasn't sure at all. I realized what must have happened – we'd travelled to the past, and I'd forgotten the present while I was there. But as to why it had happened…I was at a loss.
Utena of course hadn't been born yet, and had retained her present self. So had Akio for that matter, but presumably it was his plot. Still it bothered me that I'd forgotten Utena so easily. Was that courtesy of being an Oiran (at that time), or did it indicate something deeper? Self-doubt gnawed.
The others were getting their bearings, muttering incredulously about 'what Utena had done', and dimly I gathered they'd been transported to our mansion without any temporary side trip. The only ones who'd gone to the Daimyo's palace were myself and Utena. And Akio.
Utena was staring at me now, not really paying attention to Juri's questions or Saionji's complaints. Mumbling some excuse she took my hand and led me from the room, up the stairs and to our bedroom. She deposited me on the bed, and went to lock the door.
I let her do all this, following meekly without protest or much thought. My mind was muzzy. My back ached where the hot water had scalded. My gown stuck to my bloody thighs where they'd been cut by shards of teacup.
Yet I knew if I lifted the dress to look, there would be no marks at all. They hadn't happened tonight.
"He hijacked us," muttered Utena, hopping onto the bed to sit facing me. "He forced us out into the storm, and got rid of the car, and he changed where we went. H…how did he do that?"
I knew she was really asking how she could stop him from doing it again.
"I'm tired," I said softly, because all I could think about was sleeping. Utena's eyes softened. She lay down on the bed and lay me down with her, resting my head on her chest, wrapping her arms around me protectively. I let her, and had it in me to feel grateful.
"Sleep," she murmured. "We'll talk about it in the morning."
I closed my eyes.
I woke in the middle of the night, woke and wondered why I had. The stars shimmered through the glass; I wanted to go out on the balcony and listen to them. Our room was filled with darkness, and I wanted to look into it and see the unseeable future. Utena lay on her back, her hair and arms outspread. She'd kicked off the sheets and I heard her whimpering in her sleep.
Making soothing noises in the back of my throat I stroked her head, her cheek, her belly. I lifted the bottom of her pajama top (a shameful hobby of mine) and studied the scar. She'd been so surprised in that one defining moment. The moment she'd realized I was Judas to her Jesus, and had been all along. A moment of pure bloody truth.
It had been the only time she'd turned away from the truth, or rather, looked through it to see something else: The deeper truth. Had swallowed up justice in mercy, motivated by her desperate love for me.
"And now," I murmured into the night, "I love you back."
The love of her was killing me. Maybe it was killing the old me, and maybe that me deserved to die. Regardless it was death and I didn't know how to face it, to lie still and not struggle. I didn't know if I wanted to die. Again.
"I love him too," I whispered into the uncaring night. (You didn't stop loving someone. Love lasted longer than hate, longer than the grave. Love never ended, was the only thing that couldn't end.)
"What?" mumbled Utena, opening her eyes and gazing sleepily up at me.
"I love you," I said, and I drew my hand back off her belly but she reached up and placed her hand over mine, trapping it.
"I love you too," she said softly. Her eyes were damp with unshed tears.
"I know," I whispered and I did. What else could it be? Only love could compel the kind of risks she'd taken, even in the face of betrayal.
Had my brother loved me? Could love compel the kind of risks he'd taken? Did he love me still, after my betrayal?
The night was calling me. I looked away from Utena, looked out into the night and before I knew it I was moving, slipping my fingers out of hers, and going to the balcony.
"Anthy!" she called, stumbling out of bed after me. "Where are you going?"
"Nowhere," I murmured, and stepped outside. She was right on my heels, wrapping her arms around my waist as I rested my hands on the rail and stared out.
"What are you doing?" she asked, voice strained and very much awake now.
"Thinking," I said and I stared at the blackness between the stars, trying to bring myself to look at them directly and failing. I hated stargazing – that belonged to him. But I felt the need to see. I had to see…
"About?" she asked, voice catching roughly.
"Us," I said.
"Can't you do that in bed?" she begged. "You coming out here at midnight…" She cleared her throat. "It makes me nervous."
"Sorry," I said, and wondered if I'd be forever apologizing to this prince. The other one hadn't needed such reassurance. After all, I did my evil at his bequest.
We said nothing for awhile, Utena sighing and resting her head on my shoulder at my answer, and I watching the night for answers that weren't coming to me. What should I do? My head whirled. How to take care of these problems? What magick? What game? What role should I play?
Nobody was telling me what role to play.
Utena's body sagged a little against mine, trapping me between her and the rail. Her warm breaths were slowing against my neck. I realized she was falling asleep even though she was standing up.
"Go back to bed," I told her gently. "I'll be fine." She came alert, body tensing against mine.
"No," she said. "I'm not leaving you out here all alone."
"I promised," I pointed out calmly, knowing she was (unreasonably in my view) terrified of me jumping. (But I'd been jumping to save her…hadn't she known that? To stop her from having to choose between my brother and myself. To stop her from fighting for me. To stop me from stabbing her.)
I had no reason to jump now.
"I know," she mumbled, arms tightening around my waist. "But you need me right now."
I was silent. Wondering if that was really true. Wondering if I needed her without knowing it myself. I didn't know anything like I'd used to…
"You don't talk about your problems," Utena continued tightly. "You always start to then stop. Even…after everything. Don't you remember? If anything is troubling you…"
"You want to be my friend," I finished for her. I stared at the night. "I remember."
"More than everything we are to each other…" she insisted, "We're friends."
"Friends," I repeated softly, tasting the word, still strange to me after all this time and all these strange events. ChuChu notwithstanding, I only had one friend. One girl who'd befriended me when I didn't know to want such a thing. Who'd given me a taste of what friendship was. What it could be.
"Yes," said Utena, voice firm yet wavering with her hope.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, unable to keep from apologizing yet again. "I'm not a very good friend."
"Oh Anthy…" I heard the tears in Utena's voice. "I've never had a better one."
I turned to her then, tearing myself away from the black holes in the sky. I hated it when she cried. And she never cried…except when it came to me.
"I'll try," I told her, if only to see the tears stop. "I'll learn how." I wiped at her tears with trembling fingers.
"Let me help you," she pleaded, and I knew the words held double meaning. My hands fell to my sides and I looked down. Tenderly Utena tilted my chin back up. "Stop trying to protect me," she said and her voice was fierce now. "God, Anthy, that's my job."
My gaze darted to hers in consternation. She had the good grace to blush.
"Okay, well, it's our job then. But it's not yours and yours alone. You have to, y'know…tell me stuff! If you don't I'm next to useless. I've got power, right? Well let me use it! Teach me, help me, show me what to do so I can help you!"
She'd taken me by the shoulders and was actually shaking me a little, not really conscious of it in her intensity. Her eyes burned into mine.
"You're not alone! Never again! We're together…in this together! No matter what happens…"
She exhaled forcibly and noticed what she was doing. She took a step back, her hands dropping to hang awkwardly at her sides. I reached for her hands, gathering them up in mine. I stepped into her.
"Stay with me," I whispered and I was asking the future her: the her she would be when I told her the truth. As much of it as I could.
"All your days," she vowed, echoing my earlier vow. Her eyes were very gentle but her arms reached out to crush me to her chest.
"What's happening?" she whispered into my hair.
"He wants me to go back to him," I whispered. "Like you said."
"And w…will you go?" Her voice cracked.
"No," I said, clinging to her like she was a falling boulder in a landslide. "No, Utena."
"Good," she said passionately. "Thank God."
"But I want to," I said. "I can't help that."
She froze against me. Finally:
"Oh." Her voice was cautious. Her hands trembled on my back. I sighed into her neck and made myself continue.
"You'll have to help me. Not go. Stop me if it…comes to that."
"But you're free!" She exploded into action, pushing me away to hold me at arms length and glare pleadingly at me.
"Can a fox say to the hunter, I am not a fox?" My voice was quiet. I made no move toward or away from Utena. I steeled my nerves to keep my gaze steady on hers.
"What?" she mumbled. "I never know what you're talking about…"
I sighed.
"Can you touch a thorn and not get pricked?"
Utena stared at me.
I took a deep breath and tried my utmost to be more direct.
"Utena…it is the nature of things to be what they are." I took another breath; it was hard to breathe for some reason. "We are bound eternally, my brother and I."
"B…but the revolution," she pleaded.
"Even if the stars fall out of the sky," I murmured, "if castles turn to dust and rain down like it is the end of the world…it is the beginning all over again."
"What?" Her voice was shaking now as well as her hands. "Are you saying it was all for n…nothing? No! That can't be what you're saying…"
I blinked at her.
"It's not."
"No wonder you don't talk about this stuff!" she exploded. "It's gibberish!"
"No," I said calmly, oddly calm in the face of her frustration. "It's just not for you."
"Damn it, Anthy!" she cried. Her hands tightened where they gripped my upper arms. "Make me understand then! Help me understand!"
I watched her, watched her eyes that were very like a summer sky for all that they were filled with storms. She stared back warily. I saw her answer in the way she couldn't look away.
"When you opened the rose gate," I whispered, and she moved closer to hear me, "you did it knowing what I'd done to you."
She blinked. Swallowed hard.
"If we could go back," I framed the words carefully, "would you do it all again?"
"Of course," she said, no hesitation. Fingers digging into me.
"You didn't even think," I pointed out as gently as I could. "It's your nature to play the prince."
Her breath hissed out harshly.
"This is my nature," I studied the way she was biting her lip because I found it hard to look into her blazing eyes. "We are who we are."
"People can change!" she argued.
"Can they?" I whispered, thinking of my brother and the tears he'd cried over Utena's broken body, five years ago. The tears he'd cried over my broken body, more than five millennia ago. I looked up. The ancient words trembled on my tongue: they had to be said.
The time was ripe.
"You are she who chose this road," I whispered, "knowing only a part of the world."
"Is that it?" she cried, "is that what you mean?! Damn it, Anthy, I knew what I was doing! I know what I want! Who I love!"
I took a deep breath and steeled myself.
"Do you, Utena-sama?"
And I changed.
Utena stared at me wildly. The blood drained from her face. Her hands turned cold on my arms, turned cold then dropped away. I was shorter now, shorter and slighter. I was male. I was Chida Mamiya and I regarded Utena with eyes the same color and cunning as Himemiya Anthy's.
She said nothing. She only stared like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. I gazed back calmly for all that my heart was pounding through my chest. We stood like that for what seemed like an eternity, for the eternal instant that Mamiya had promised (falsely) to Mikage.
I had nowhere left to hide.
Utena had nowhere left to hide me.
Then she stumbled away, fleeing from me, turning her back on the truth like she had in the planetarium that nightmare night.
I watched her go, let her go. I'd expected it somewhere deep inside. Everything had been leading to this moment; it was inevitable.
Utena ran out our bedroom door, slamming it behind her in her haste. I listened to her footsteps echoing down the hall, on the stairs, then turned around and watched over the balcony as she pelted out into the garden. She was running full out, hair streaming back: a beautiful sight. Something in me wondered if she was crying. Something in me knew she was.
As I watched, the air whirled and eddied in front of her – telltale signatures of power. She ran into the invisible vortex, ran and disappeared from the naked eye. I guessed she'd gone to the castle. Escaped to the castle.
"Goodbye," I said. "My meddlesome heart." And I sank to my knees, and shimmered back into Anthy. And I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.
TBC in Chapter 11
*Powerful territorial lords in premodern Japan who ruled most of the country from their vast, hereditary land holdings.