Disclaimer: er/ characters belong to nbc, warner, amblin, constant c, etc. I'm just providing story-line ideas for the writers of the show. ne'er be the day I see any profit.
SPOILERS: season 6, be still my heart through mayday.
Lost Souls X
By: Victoria F.
John woke and stretched lazily. Then he pulled the covers to his chin and curled into a ball on his bed. He glanced at the clock. 7:15 A.M. Only five more hours 'til he saw Kaylie again for their lunch date. Happily, John smiled and threw back the covers. It was going to be a good day. John wrapped his brown terri cloth robe around him and pushed his feet into brown leather slippers. He crossed the room to a set of French doors and pulled them open, momentarily blinded by the intruding morning sun. He stepped out onto the veranda and took a deep breath. The air was cool and refreshing. John went back inside and quickly showered and dressed. Finally emerging from his bedroom in a pair of khaki pants, the usual white shirt and tie, and a warm, brown sweater to top it off, John made his way to the kitchen for breakfast.
"Good morning Gamma," he said, greeting his grandmother who was already eating.
"You're in a good mood this morning John. Will you be seeing Kaylie again today?" his grandmother asked, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, I am. We're having lunch together. I'm on all night and it's the only time I can see her today," John answered.
"John," his grandmother started, her voice serious. "I have to tell you something. Sit down," she said, patting the chair next to her. John walked over and sat next to his grandmother.
"What is it Gamma? Did something happen?" he asked, now worried.
"No John, everything's fine. But you need to know. Your parents are here."
"What? They're here? But . . .." John stopped and Millicent comfortingly took his hand.
"They arrived last night after you had gone to bed. I didn't know they were coming. They never called, they just came. Apparently, they decided it was time to check up on the family. The business is running smoothly and they took advantage of the down time."
"Where are they?" John asked quietly, trying to hide the fear he could feel building.
"They're still asleep. They arrived very late. They asked that I make sure you don't leave this morning. They would like to talk to you when they come down." Millicent looked at her grandson, and was perturbed by his downward stare and defeated posture.
"John Truman Carter! I know that you weren't expecting to have this talk with your parents today, but you knew it was inevitable. They are your parents, they have a right to be concerned over everything that has happened. I would like it now, if you would please sit up like a gentlemen, hold your head high, and go into this with confidence and poise." Millicent knew she was being harsh, but she knew John had gone through an incredible amount of therapy just on this inevitability alone, and she wanted him to realize that he was capable of handling this confrontation with his parents.
John raised his head and looked at his grandmother, "Yes ma'am." John smiled sincerely and kissed his grandmother on the cheek. "Thank you."
"Now why don't you get some breakfast and I'll see if your parents are awake yet," said his grandmother. John nodded and Millicent got up from the table and left the kitchen.
John prepared toast and juice for himself and sat down at the table. Gamma was right, he knew that he would have to speak to his parents about what happened, about his drug abuse and the rehab center. He had just hoped that it wouldn't be so soon. But he had no choice, his parents were here now. John contemplated calling Kaylie and asking her to come over and be with him during this. He knew that she would, that she cared enough about him to drop whatever she was doing and be at his side. But he didn't want to rely that heavily on Kaylie just yet. Their relationship was just beginning and he didn't want to burden it with his family issues, at least, not yet.
John had finished eating and was rinsing his breakfast dishes when Millicent came back into the kitchen.
"Your parents are awake. They're getting dressed and will be down shortly. Are you finished eating already?" she asked her grandson.
"Yes, I only had toast and juice. I'm saving room for lunch," John said, smiling. John's mind returned to the talk he would be having soon with his parents, and his smile faltered. "I think I'm going to go for a quick stroll around the grounds while mom and dad are getting dressed. I'll be back soon," John said, before slipping out the kitchen door.
John walked down the drive until he came to the fence surrounding the grounds. He turned and walked back up the drive to the carriage house. He walked around the outside of the structure, remembering how he and Chase had once played there. They would sneak in when William, the chauffeur, wasn't looking and slip behind the wheel of the cars stored there. John had gotten carried away one day, pretending he was driving Chase to some business function and had pressed his small hand into the horn. William had come running in and grabbed him out from behind the wheel and dragged both him and Chase to their grandfather. William's voice was loud and edged with anger as he had talked to John's grandfather. When William left them alone with the older man, John cringed and had tried to shrink back behind Chase. His grandfather was even angrier then William, and John never forgot the tongue lashing he had endured that day. Selfish, thoughtless, irresponsible, not fit to bare the Carter name. That was the one that really stung and John found himself replaying those words in his head.
Was he to once again hear that same sentiment, only this time from his father? John had come to accept that he was the disappointment of the family, seemingly to have never grown into the Carter name. He knew that his grandfather had given up any hope that John would finally come to his senses and begin to act in a manner befitting a family in their social standing. While John had come to accept that his grandfather looked down upon his chosen career and lifestyle, he was unsure what his parents thought. They had never been around long enough for John to get a true sense of their opinion about the choices he made. He had a feeling that for the first time in his life, he would know exactly what his parents thought of him.
John continued to walk and stopped when he came to a large tree with planks nailed onto its trunk for a ladder. The ladder led to a large tree house, high above the ground in the tree. John could remember when he and Chase had built the tree house. It was during summer break, and they were both in high school. Tired of receiving looks from the housekeepers for being underfoot, and weary of being dragged into the office with their grandfather to learn the business, they had built the tree house with the help of the maintenance man, Danny. Daniel actually, but they had agreed to call him Danny in exchange for his not calling them Mr. Carter or Sir. There was enough formality within the house.
John grabbed hold of one of the steps and pulled on it. It seemed sturdy enough. He hadn't been in the tree house in years. He climbed slowly, testing each step to make sure it would hold his weight. Finally, he heaved himself up into the tree house. It was empty except for a couple of old bottles of Coca Cola and a battered foot stool they had stolen from the sitting room. John laughed as he looked down at the worn stool. It was probably an antique, worthless now.
John leaned out a window and looked across the grounds. He could see a couple horses in the pasture and thought of Marigold. She had been put to sleep several years ago, and he missed her. Missed the feeling of freedom he felt when he was riding her, the sense of pride and accomplishment that came with each competition and each blue ribbon. His eyes traveled to the garden and he thought of the night that he almost lost Kaylie. The world seemed brighter, the air easier to breath when he was with her. He felt truly happy and he didn't want to lose that feeling. Just thinking of Kaylie made the lurking meeting with his parents seem less threatening. His thoughts were disturbed by a voice calling his name, and John looked down to the base of tree. There standing at the bottom of the tree was his father.
"Dad! I'll come down," John said, embarrassed that he had kept his parents waiting so long that his father had come looking for him.
"No John. Stay there, I'll come up," his father replied. John waited nervously as his father climbed the rickety ladder. His father had never come up into his tree house when he was younger. John didn't even know his father was aware that he had a tree house. John looked down at his father, afraid that a board might break, sending his father falling helplessly to the ground. But his father successfully climbed into the tree house and stood looking at John. John looked at his father, unsure what to do, and what to expect. His father walked over to him and pulled him into a tight embrace.
"How've you been son?" his father asked.
John was unnerved by the sudden show of feeling from his father. This wasn't what he had expected. "I'm good sir," John managed to respond.
His father let him go and stood back to look at him. "You look good. Are you taking care of yourself John?" he asked.
"Yes sir, I'm trying," answered John, unable to shake his unease.
Roland sighed and looked at his son. His heart ached at his son's obvious discomfort at being with him. He had neglected his parental duties far too long and this was the result. He had been angry when his mother had told him about John's stay in Atlanta and his drug abuse. How could he? And after everything he had gone through with Chase. But then he turned his anger to himself. If only he had been there to support John through all of this, maybe it wouldn't have gone this far. But he would never know.
"Sit down John, I think we need to talk." John began to lower himself to the floor, leaving the stool for Roland. "No John, you take the stool, you need it more than I do," Roland said after seeing John grimace in pain at the effort it took for him to sit.
"Are you sure?" John asked, considerate as always. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe he had been raised too well, never putting his own needs before those of others.
Roland gestured to for his son to take the stool and positioned himself on the floor. He turned and looked at John.
"What happened?" he asked.
John was silent. He knew that his father was asking him why he had abused his meds, why it had come to that. He struggled to find the right words.
"I didn't mean for it to happen. I kept waiting. . .." John paused.
"Waiting for what John?" Roland prompted.
John continued, "I kept waiting for the nightmares to stop. For the pain to go away. To be able to sleep again. But nothing changed. Each night was the same. I'd dream about Sobricki, about Lucy. I'd close my eyes and I'd be afraid all over again. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I went back to work so I wouldn't have to sit and think about what happened. But I went back too soon. I pushed myself too hard. I wasn't healing from the surgery as fast as I should have, and not sleeping only made the pain worse. One night I went to bed and couldn't even bring myself to close my eyes. My whole body was in pain and every noise I heard sent jolts of terror through me. I know I should have said something to someone-Gamma, or Dr. Benton, or Kerry Weaver. But I reached for my pills and took one, then two, then three. I took as many as I needed to sleep through the night. It was the first time I had slept through the night in two months. And it felt really good dad. It just escalated from there." John stopped talking and looked at his father, his eyes filled with tears.
"I'm sorry dad. I know I've embarrassed you and mom and the family."
Roland looked at his son and sighed. "I was disappointed and angry when your grandmother called me and informed me that you were in a treatment center in Atlanta. But I have come to realize John, that I am the one who should be apologizing here. I am so sorry that I wasn't here for you. Maybe if I had been here, supported you through all of this, insisted you get counseling, this might not have happened." Roland glanced at his son.
"You don't have to apologize dad. I am the one who chose to take the drugs rather than tell someone what was going on. I knew better. You don't think I thought about Chase before I swallowed those pills? I did. And I didn't care. I thought at that moment any risk was better than what I was feeling. I'm lucky. Someone saw me inject myself with a drug I stole at work. They made me go to Atlanta, or lose my job. I walked out of the hospital after telling them I quit, but they didn't give up on me. Dr. Benton followed me out that night, reached out to me and made me feel like my life was worth living. That I was worth the time and effort it took for him to get on the plane with me and take me to Atlanta. I only wish I had done the same for Chase." John lowered his head and began to cry.
Roland got up and went to his son, and silently wrapped his arms around him. "I'm sorry John. I'm so sorry. I should have been the one to show you that you mean that much. I should have been the one to be on that plane with you. I should have known that you were in so much pain."
John looked up. "But you're here now dad. You don't know how much this means to me."
"John, I need to know. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you in counseling?" Roland looked at his son expectantly.
"Yes dad. I am taking care of myself. Please believe that. I'm seeing a counselor and I'm attending NA groups. And most importantly, I've realized how important friends and family are. I'm not keeping any more secrets."
"I'm proud of you son," Roland said. "So you're not keeping secrets? Then maybe you could fill me on this girlfriend of yours I've been hearing so much about from your grandmother."
John and his father talked for a while, until John glanced down at his watch. "Oh no! I'm going to be late! I have a lunch date with Kaylie. I have to go." John scrambled down the ladder and ran across the yard to his car. Before slipping behind the wheel, John waved at his father who was slowly making his towards the house.
*****
Kaylie sat patiently outside the restaurant and looked up and down the street for any sign of John. She was beginning to worry that he had forgotten or that something had happened to him. But finally, she caught sight of his car and smiled. She knew she had worried for nothing. John pulled up to the curb and parked and Kaylie walked around to the driver side to greet him.
"Hello Dr. Carter, it's so nice of you to join me," she teased.
John grabbed Kaylie around the waist and kissed her. "You won't believe what I have to tell you. I'm sorry I'm late, but I have a very good explanation."
"Ooh, I can't wait," Kaylie said, smiling.
The couple seated themselves and waited for the waiter to take their order. "So John, what do you have to tell me that was so important, I had to wait here all by my lonesome for you?"
John looked at Kaylie and grinned. "My parents are in town."
Kaylie was surprised by this news, and was more surprised by John's reaction. "Oh. I'm a little confused though. I guess I wouldn't have expected you to be so happy about this. Aren't you worried about seeing them?" Kaylie asked.
"I already saw them. Well, my dad at least. I was afraid to see them though. I wasn't sure how they were going to react to everything that has happened," John replied.
Kaylie was upset by this news. Why hadn't John called her? She would have come out to his grandmother's estate to be with him when he spoke to his parents. Or at least offered him words of comfort on the telephone beforehand. But he hadn't even called. Maybe he didn't believe in her like he had said. She had been the one to push for their relationship, maybe he had just said what she wanted to hear.
Kaylie barely heard John as he continued, "My dad was great. He was so supportive. He even apologized for not being here to help me. It wasn't at all what I expected to hear." John looked at Kaylie. She looked angry and didn't seem to notice that he had stopped talking.
"Kaylie? Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.
Kaylie looked at John, her green eyes rimmed with red, threatening to bring forth tears any second.
"I'm happy for you John that things went so well with your father," Kaylie paused. Finally Kaylie looked at John determinedly. "I'm sorry John. I don't know if I can do this. You obviously don't trust me enough to turn to me for support. You said you believed in me, but you didn't even call John! I would have been there for you. I would have stood by your side when you faced your parents. But you didn't even call. . .." Kaylie began to cry and got up from the table. "I have to think about this John. If this is worth it." Kaylie began to walk away from the table.
"Kaylie! Wait!" John ran after Kaylie and grabbed her by the elbow. "Please, Kaylie. I'm sorry. I just thought it was too early for something this heavy."
Kaylie turned to John and stared him in the eye. "You thought wrong." Kaylie turned on her heel and walked away, leaving John gaping behind her.
Rather than go back home, John decided to go into work early. He walked into the ER dejectedly, barely noticing Dave as he opened his locker and put his coat away.
"Hey John, early aren't you? Trying to score some points with the bosses?" Dave joked.
John closed his locker and collapsed onto the couch. "No. Kaylie and I had a fight. I'm a real idiot, you know that?"
"True, true," agreed Dave. Noticing the 'not in the mood for jokes' look on John's face, he asked more seriously, "So what happened?" He sat down on the couch across from John and waited for an answer.
"My parents are in town and I never called Kaylie before seeing them. You know, for support. She knew I've been worried about facing them. I'm so dumb! I just thought it was too early to ask that much of her-too lean on her that heavily. She said I didn't trust her, that I don't believe in her. That's not true, I do! I should have called her, I wanted to. I'm just afraid that once we do start relying on each other that way, that we're going to lose something. I mean, we've both been through a lot, and I don't want either of us to feel like we're taking on too much." John stopped talking and looked at Dave.
Dave looked at John for a moment. He couldn't believe how naive John was. No wonder his previous relationships had lasted only so long. "John, my man. You don't get it. When you feel comfortable enough to lean on someone in that way, you're not losing anything, you're gaining something. You're moving onto that next level-you know, where you share what's in here," Dave tapped his chest. "That's when you know you've got someone pretty special and you should fight to hang onto them. But if you're not willing to go to that level, what's left? I don't think Kaylie's in this for the nice dinners and evenings on the town. She digs you man. You've got to see that."
John looked at Dave in amazement. "What, are you the love doctor now?"
"No man, I've been there though, and just like you, I threw it away. I refused to take it to the next level and she gave me the boot. I have regretted that ever since. No woman has even come close." Dave's eyes took on a faraway look as he remembered his first true love.
Just then, the lounge door flew open and Kerry rushed in. "Dave, I need you out here now! We've got a gsw coming in-possible suicide attempt." Kerry noticed John and said, "John, I'm glad you're here. You'll want to be a part of this." John and Dave followed Kerry donning plastic gowns, readying themselves for the incoming trauma.
The paramedics pushed through the doors and John, Dave and Kerry met them on the way in. "Thirteen year old male, gsw to the head. Pulse is weak but stable. Pupils are unresponsive. Parents are on their way in, said they didn't know how he got a hold of the gun, it was supposedly locked away in a closet. It's his birthday." The paramedic handed off the chart and left the boy in the hands of the doctors. John looked at the boy and thought for a moment he looked familiar. It was hard to tell though, half of the boy's head was gone and there was blood and gray matter everywhere.
Kerry looked at John and answered his unspoken question, "Jonathon Mathews."
"Oh my god," sighed John as he ran his hand threw his hair.
"We're losing a rhythm!" said Dave. Kerry motioned for him to stand by, but do nothing.
"There's nothing we can do. There's gray matter-half his head is gone. He's dead already," said Kerry sadly.
John stood by as the monitors flat-lined. Kerry checked his respiration and pupils one last time. "Time of death, 4:18P.M." Kerry turned off the monitors. "Dave, call human services. He's in the system, they'll need to be informed."
Kerry turned to John, "John? Are you okay?"
"I have to find Kaylie. She'll want to know," John said, pushing his way out of the trauma room.
*****
Kaylie had just finished meeting with her last client of the day when there was a knock on her door. She opened it and saw John standing there. His expression was dark.
"I told you I needed to think John," she said moving to close the door.
"Please, Kaylie. I have to talk to you. It's important that you listen to me." John's voice cracked as he spoke. Kaylie was immediately concerned, despite her anger.
"What is it John?" she asked, her voice softening.
"Not here. Can we go somewhere? Back to your place, or my Gamma's?" John asked.
"The lake shore," Kaylie responded. The lake shore was still her favorite place to think and come to conclusions, and if John wanted to talk that was the best place to go. John nodded, silently.
The two left in John's car and drove in silence. Once they arrived at the lake, John sat down next to Kaylie and took her hand in his own.
"I have something important to tell you. It's not about me or what happened earlier today," he paused, unsure how to proceed. Kaylie looked at him, her eyes wide and expectant.
"Kaylie, I went to the hospital after you left. The paramedics brought in a gun shot victim. We didn't even have a chance to save him, there was too much damage. It was a suicide attempt, he shot himself in the head." John paused and looked at Kaylie.
"Who was it John?" asked Kaylie, her voice quivering. Deep in her heart, she knew who it was.
"I'm sorry Kaylie. It was Jonathon Mathews."
Kaylie didn't say anything, but tears fell silently down her cheeks. John pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. Kaylie's tears became sobs and her body shook, and John held her tighter. Finally, her sobs quieted and her body grew still within John's embrace. John took out a handkerchief and gently wiped away Kaylie's tears.
"I'm so sorry Kaylie," John repeated finally, breaking the silence. He caressed Kaylie's cheek and lowered his head until it almost rested atop of her own. Kaylie's body was limp in his arms and he looked down at her face. Her eyes were open and were staring out across the water. The sun was setting over the water, casting ripples of color across the waves. John sat and held Kaylie in his arms, and silently prayed that she would be alright.
SPOILERS: season 6, be still my heart through mayday.
Lost Souls X
By: Victoria F.
John woke and stretched lazily. Then he pulled the covers to his chin and curled into a ball on his bed. He glanced at the clock. 7:15 A.M. Only five more hours 'til he saw Kaylie again for their lunch date. Happily, John smiled and threw back the covers. It was going to be a good day. John wrapped his brown terri cloth robe around him and pushed his feet into brown leather slippers. He crossed the room to a set of French doors and pulled them open, momentarily blinded by the intruding morning sun. He stepped out onto the veranda and took a deep breath. The air was cool and refreshing. John went back inside and quickly showered and dressed. Finally emerging from his bedroom in a pair of khaki pants, the usual white shirt and tie, and a warm, brown sweater to top it off, John made his way to the kitchen for breakfast.
"Good morning Gamma," he said, greeting his grandmother who was already eating.
"You're in a good mood this morning John. Will you be seeing Kaylie again today?" his grandmother asked, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, I am. We're having lunch together. I'm on all night and it's the only time I can see her today," John answered.
"John," his grandmother started, her voice serious. "I have to tell you something. Sit down," she said, patting the chair next to her. John walked over and sat next to his grandmother.
"What is it Gamma? Did something happen?" he asked, now worried.
"No John, everything's fine. But you need to know. Your parents are here."
"What? They're here? But . . .." John stopped and Millicent comfortingly took his hand.
"They arrived last night after you had gone to bed. I didn't know they were coming. They never called, they just came. Apparently, they decided it was time to check up on the family. The business is running smoothly and they took advantage of the down time."
"Where are they?" John asked quietly, trying to hide the fear he could feel building.
"They're still asleep. They arrived very late. They asked that I make sure you don't leave this morning. They would like to talk to you when they come down." Millicent looked at her grandson, and was perturbed by his downward stare and defeated posture.
"John Truman Carter! I know that you weren't expecting to have this talk with your parents today, but you knew it was inevitable. They are your parents, they have a right to be concerned over everything that has happened. I would like it now, if you would please sit up like a gentlemen, hold your head high, and go into this with confidence and poise." Millicent knew she was being harsh, but she knew John had gone through an incredible amount of therapy just on this inevitability alone, and she wanted him to realize that he was capable of handling this confrontation with his parents.
John raised his head and looked at his grandmother, "Yes ma'am." John smiled sincerely and kissed his grandmother on the cheek. "Thank you."
"Now why don't you get some breakfast and I'll see if your parents are awake yet," said his grandmother. John nodded and Millicent got up from the table and left the kitchen.
John prepared toast and juice for himself and sat down at the table. Gamma was right, he knew that he would have to speak to his parents about what happened, about his drug abuse and the rehab center. He had just hoped that it wouldn't be so soon. But he had no choice, his parents were here now. John contemplated calling Kaylie and asking her to come over and be with him during this. He knew that she would, that she cared enough about him to drop whatever she was doing and be at his side. But he didn't want to rely that heavily on Kaylie just yet. Their relationship was just beginning and he didn't want to burden it with his family issues, at least, not yet.
John had finished eating and was rinsing his breakfast dishes when Millicent came back into the kitchen.
"Your parents are awake. They're getting dressed and will be down shortly. Are you finished eating already?" she asked her grandson.
"Yes, I only had toast and juice. I'm saving room for lunch," John said, smiling. John's mind returned to the talk he would be having soon with his parents, and his smile faltered. "I think I'm going to go for a quick stroll around the grounds while mom and dad are getting dressed. I'll be back soon," John said, before slipping out the kitchen door.
John walked down the drive until he came to the fence surrounding the grounds. He turned and walked back up the drive to the carriage house. He walked around the outside of the structure, remembering how he and Chase had once played there. They would sneak in when William, the chauffeur, wasn't looking and slip behind the wheel of the cars stored there. John had gotten carried away one day, pretending he was driving Chase to some business function and had pressed his small hand into the horn. William had come running in and grabbed him out from behind the wheel and dragged both him and Chase to their grandfather. William's voice was loud and edged with anger as he had talked to John's grandfather. When William left them alone with the older man, John cringed and had tried to shrink back behind Chase. His grandfather was even angrier then William, and John never forgot the tongue lashing he had endured that day. Selfish, thoughtless, irresponsible, not fit to bare the Carter name. That was the one that really stung and John found himself replaying those words in his head.
Was he to once again hear that same sentiment, only this time from his father? John had come to accept that he was the disappointment of the family, seemingly to have never grown into the Carter name. He knew that his grandfather had given up any hope that John would finally come to his senses and begin to act in a manner befitting a family in their social standing. While John had come to accept that his grandfather looked down upon his chosen career and lifestyle, he was unsure what his parents thought. They had never been around long enough for John to get a true sense of their opinion about the choices he made. He had a feeling that for the first time in his life, he would know exactly what his parents thought of him.
John continued to walk and stopped when he came to a large tree with planks nailed onto its trunk for a ladder. The ladder led to a large tree house, high above the ground in the tree. John could remember when he and Chase had built the tree house. It was during summer break, and they were both in high school. Tired of receiving looks from the housekeepers for being underfoot, and weary of being dragged into the office with their grandfather to learn the business, they had built the tree house with the help of the maintenance man, Danny. Daniel actually, but they had agreed to call him Danny in exchange for his not calling them Mr. Carter or Sir. There was enough formality within the house.
John grabbed hold of one of the steps and pulled on it. It seemed sturdy enough. He hadn't been in the tree house in years. He climbed slowly, testing each step to make sure it would hold his weight. Finally, he heaved himself up into the tree house. It was empty except for a couple of old bottles of Coca Cola and a battered foot stool they had stolen from the sitting room. John laughed as he looked down at the worn stool. It was probably an antique, worthless now.
John leaned out a window and looked across the grounds. He could see a couple horses in the pasture and thought of Marigold. She had been put to sleep several years ago, and he missed her. Missed the feeling of freedom he felt when he was riding her, the sense of pride and accomplishment that came with each competition and each blue ribbon. His eyes traveled to the garden and he thought of the night that he almost lost Kaylie. The world seemed brighter, the air easier to breath when he was with her. He felt truly happy and he didn't want to lose that feeling. Just thinking of Kaylie made the lurking meeting with his parents seem less threatening. His thoughts were disturbed by a voice calling his name, and John looked down to the base of tree. There standing at the bottom of the tree was his father.
"Dad! I'll come down," John said, embarrassed that he had kept his parents waiting so long that his father had come looking for him.
"No John. Stay there, I'll come up," his father replied. John waited nervously as his father climbed the rickety ladder. His father had never come up into his tree house when he was younger. John didn't even know his father was aware that he had a tree house. John looked down at his father, afraid that a board might break, sending his father falling helplessly to the ground. But his father successfully climbed into the tree house and stood looking at John. John looked at his father, unsure what to do, and what to expect. His father walked over to him and pulled him into a tight embrace.
"How've you been son?" his father asked.
John was unnerved by the sudden show of feeling from his father. This wasn't what he had expected. "I'm good sir," John managed to respond.
His father let him go and stood back to look at him. "You look good. Are you taking care of yourself John?" he asked.
"Yes sir, I'm trying," answered John, unable to shake his unease.
Roland sighed and looked at his son. His heart ached at his son's obvious discomfort at being with him. He had neglected his parental duties far too long and this was the result. He had been angry when his mother had told him about John's stay in Atlanta and his drug abuse. How could he? And after everything he had gone through with Chase. But then he turned his anger to himself. If only he had been there to support John through all of this, maybe it wouldn't have gone this far. But he would never know.
"Sit down John, I think we need to talk." John began to lower himself to the floor, leaving the stool for Roland. "No John, you take the stool, you need it more than I do," Roland said after seeing John grimace in pain at the effort it took for him to sit.
"Are you sure?" John asked, considerate as always. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe he had been raised too well, never putting his own needs before those of others.
Roland gestured to for his son to take the stool and positioned himself on the floor. He turned and looked at John.
"What happened?" he asked.
John was silent. He knew that his father was asking him why he had abused his meds, why it had come to that. He struggled to find the right words.
"I didn't mean for it to happen. I kept waiting. . .." John paused.
"Waiting for what John?" Roland prompted.
John continued, "I kept waiting for the nightmares to stop. For the pain to go away. To be able to sleep again. But nothing changed. Each night was the same. I'd dream about Sobricki, about Lucy. I'd close my eyes and I'd be afraid all over again. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I went back to work so I wouldn't have to sit and think about what happened. But I went back too soon. I pushed myself too hard. I wasn't healing from the surgery as fast as I should have, and not sleeping only made the pain worse. One night I went to bed and couldn't even bring myself to close my eyes. My whole body was in pain and every noise I heard sent jolts of terror through me. I know I should have said something to someone-Gamma, or Dr. Benton, or Kerry Weaver. But I reached for my pills and took one, then two, then three. I took as many as I needed to sleep through the night. It was the first time I had slept through the night in two months. And it felt really good dad. It just escalated from there." John stopped talking and looked at his father, his eyes filled with tears.
"I'm sorry dad. I know I've embarrassed you and mom and the family."
Roland looked at his son and sighed. "I was disappointed and angry when your grandmother called me and informed me that you were in a treatment center in Atlanta. But I have come to realize John, that I am the one who should be apologizing here. I am so sorry that I wasn't here for you. Maybe if I had been here, supported you through all of this, insisted you get counseling, this might not have happened." Roland glanced at his son.
"You don't have to apologize dad. I am the one who chose to take the drugs rather than tell someone what was going on. I knew better. You don't think I thought about Chase before I swallowed those pills? I did. And I didn't care. I thought at that moment any risk was better than what I was feeling. I'm lucky. Someone saw me inject myself with a drug I stole at work. They made me go to Atlanta, or lose my job. I walked out of the hospital after telling them I quit, but they didn't give up on me. Dr. Benton followed me out that night, reached out to me and made me feel like my life was worth living. That I was worth the time and effort it took for him to get on the plane with me and take me to Atlanta. I only wish I had done the same for Chase." John lowered his head and began to cry.
Roland got up and went to his son, and silently wrapped his arms around him. "I'm sorry John. I'm so sorry. I should have been the one to show you that you mean that much. I should have been the one to be on that plane with you. I should have known that you were in so much pain."
John looked up. "But you're here now dad. You don't know how much this means to me."
"John, I need to know. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you in counseling?" Roland looked at his son expectantly.
"Yes dad. I am taking care of myself. Please believe that. I'm seeing a counselor and I'm attending NA groups. And most importantly, I've realized how important friends and family are. I'm not keeping any more secrets."
"I'm proud of you son," Roland said. "So you're not keeping secrets? Then maybe you could fill me on this girlfriend of yours I've been hearing so much about from your grandmother."
John and his father talked for a while, until John glanced down at his watch. "Oh no! I'm going to be late! I have a lunch date with Kaylie. I have to go." John scrambled down the ladder and ran across the yard to his car. Before slipping behind the wheel, John waved at his father who was slowly making his towards the house.
*****
Kaylie sat patiently outside the restaurant and looked up and down the street for any sign of John. She was beginning to worry that he had forgotten or that something had happened to him. But finally, she caught sight of his car and smiled. She knew she had worried for nothing. John pulled up to the curb and parked and Kaylie walked around to the driver side to greet him.
"Hello Dr. Carter, it's so nice of you to join me," she teased.
John grabbed Kaylie around the waist and kissed her. "You won't believe what I have to tell you. I'm sorry I'm late, but I have a very good explanation."
"Ooh, I can't wait," Kaylie said, smiling.
The couple seated themselves and waited for the waiter to take their order. "So John, what do you have to tell me that was so important, I had to wait here all by my lonesome for you?"
John looked at Kaylie and grinned. "My parents are in town."
Kaylie was surprised by this news, and was more surprised by John's reaction. "Oh. I'm a little confused though. I guess I wouldn't have expected you to be so happy about this. Aren't you worried about seeing them?" Kaylie asked.
"I already saw them. Well, my dad at least. I was afraid to see them though. I wasn't sure how they were going to react to everything that has happened," John replied.
Kaylie was upset by this news. Why hadn't John called her? She would have come out to his grandmother's estate to be with him when he spoke to his parents. Or at least offered him words of comfort on the telephone beforehand. But he hadn't even called. Maybe he didn't believe in her like he had said. She had been the one to push for their relationship, maybe he had just said what she wanted to hear.
Kaylie barely heard John as he continued, "My dad was great. He was so supportive. He even apologized for not being here to help me. It wasn't at all what I expected to hear." John looked at Kaylie. She looked angry and didn't seem to notice that he had stopped talking.
"Kaylie? Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.
Kaylie looked at John, her green eyes rimmed with red, threatening to bring forth tears any second.
"I'm happy for you John that things went so well with your father," Kaylie paused. Finally Kaylie looked at John determinedly. "I'm sorry John. I don't know if I can do this. You obviously don't trust me enough to turn to me for support. You said you believed in me, but you didn't even call John! I would have been there for you. I would have stood by your side when you faced your parents. But you didn't even call. . .." Kaylie began to cry and got up from the table. "I have to think about this John. If this is worth it." Kaylie began to walk away from the table.
"Kaylie! Wait!" John ran after Kaylie and grabbed her by the elbow. "Please, Kaylie. I'm sorry. I just thought it was too early for something this heavy."
Kaylie turned to John and stared him in the eye. "You thought wrong." Kaylie turned on her heel and walked away, leaving John gaping behind her.
Rather than go back home, John decided to go into work early. He walked into the ER dejectedly, barely noticing Dave as he opened his locker and put his coat away.
"Hey John, early aren't you? Trying to score some points with the bosses?" Dave joked.
John closed his locker and collapsed onto the couch. "No. Kaylie and I had a fight. I'm a real idiot, you know that?"
"True, true," agreed Dave. Noticing the 'not in the mood for jokes' look on John's face, he asked more seriously, "So what happened?" He sat down on the couch across from John and waited for an answer.
"My parents are in town and I never called Kaylie before seeing them. You know, for support. She knew I've been worried about facing them. I'm so dumb! I just thought it was too early to ask that much of her-too lean on her that heavily. She said I didn't trust her, that I don't believe in her. That's not true, I do! I should have called her, I wanted to. I'm just afraid that once we do start relying on each other that way, that we're going to lose something. I mean, we've both been through a lot, and I don't want either of us to feel like we're taking on too much." John stopped talking and looked at Dave.
Dave looked at John for a moment. He couldn't believe how naive John was. No wonder his previous relationships had lasted only so long. "John, my man. You don't get it. When you feel comfortable enough to lean on someone in that way, you're not losing anything, you're gaining something. You're moving onto that next level-you know, where you share what's in here," Dave tapped his chest. "That's when you know you've got someone pretty special and you should fight to hang onto them. But if you're not willing to go to that level, what's left? I don't think Kaylie's in this for the nice dinners and evenings on the town. She digs you man. You've got to see that."
John looked at Dave in amazement. "What, are you the love doctor now?"
"No man, I've been there though, and just like you, I threw it away. I refused to take it to the next level and she gave me the boot. I have regretted that ever since. No woman has even come close." Dave's eyes took on a faraway look as he remembered his first true love.
Just then, the lounge door flew open and Kerry rushed in. "Dave, I need you out here now! We've got a gsw coming in-possible suicide attempt." Kerry noticed John and said, "John, I'm glad you're here. You'll want to be a part of this." John and Dave followed Kerry donning plastic gowns, readying themselves for the incoming trauma.
The paramedics pushed through the doors and John, Dave and Kerry met them on the way in. "Thirteen year old male, gsw to the head. Pulse is weak but stable. Pupils are unresponsive. Parents are on their way in, said they didn't know how he got a hold of the gun, it was supposedly locked away in a closet. It's his birthday." The paramedic handed off the chart and left the boy in the hands of the doctors. John looked at the boy and thought for a moment he looked familiar. It was hard to tell though, half of the boy's head was gone and there was blood and gray matter everywhere.
Kerry looked at John and answered his unspoken question, "Jonathon Mathews."
"Oh my god," sighed John as he ran his hand threw his hair.
"We're losing a rhythm!" said Dave. Kerry motioned for him to stand by, but do nothing.
"There's nothing we can do. There's gray matter-half his head is gone. He's dead already," said Kerry sadly.
John stood by as the monitors flat-lined. Kerry checked his respiration and pupils one last time. "Time of death, 4:18P.M." Kerry turned off the monitors. "Dave, call human services. He's in the system, they'll need to be informed."
Kerry turned to John, "John? Are you okay?"
"I have to find Kaylie. She'll want to know," John said, pushing his way out of the trauma room.
*****
Kaylie had just finished meeting with her last client of the day when there was a knock on her door. She opened it and saw John standing there. His expression was dark.
"I told you I needed to think John," she said moving to close the door.
"Please, Kaylie. I have to talk to you. It's important that you listen to me." John's voice cracked as he spoke. Kaylie was immediately concerned, despite her anger.
"What is it John?" she asked, her voice softening.
"Not here. Can we go somewhere? Back to your place, or my Gamma's?" John asked.
"The lake shore," Kaylie responded. The lake shore was still her favorite place to think and come to conclusions, and if John wanted to talk that was the best place to go. John nodded, silently.
The two left in John's car and drove in silence. Once they arrived at the lake, John sat down next to Kaylie and took her hand in his own.
"I have something important to tell you. It's not about me or what happened earlier today," he paused, unsure how to proceed. Kaylie looked at him, her eyes wide and expectant.
"Kaylie, I went to the hospital after you left. The paramedics brought in a gun shot victim. We didn't even have a chance to save him, there was too much damage. It was a suicide attempt, he shot himself in the head." John paused and looked at Kaylie.
"Who was it John?" asked Kaylie, her voice quivering. Deep in her heart, she knew who it was.
"I'm sorry Kaylie. It was Jonathon Mathews."
Kaylie didn't say anything, but tears fell silently down her cheeks. John pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. Kaylie's tears became sobs and her body shook, and John held her tighter. Finally, her sobs quieted and her body grew still within John's embrace. John took out a handkerchief and gently wiped away Kaylie's tears.
"I'm so sorry Kaylie," John repeated finally, breaking the silence. He caressed Kaylie's cheek and lowered his head until it almost rested atop of her own. Kaylie's body was limp in his arms and he looked down at her face. Her eyes were open and were staring out across the water. The sun was setting over the water, casting ripples of color across the waves. John sat and held Kaylie in his arms, and silently prayed that she would be alright.