A/N: So I asked for suggestions and The Walrus gave me Irelia/Syndra. And while I'm kind of partial to Syndra/Zed, I was like, eh, I asked for suggestions, might as well go with it.
Also, ShadowBlazer was like, "you should beta things. betaing is good," so I gave this chapter to ShadowBlazer first, and also had my friend Joe give it a read before posting. Thanks ya'll.(And, as always, thanks to everyone who reviewed)Standard Disclaimer: yup.
Monday – Morning – Karma's Office: The Therapist is IN: Lux and Garen
There were days when Karma questioned her sanity.
Those days were not very frequent compared to the days when she questioned the sanity of her coworkers.
Today, she was questioning the sanity of her coworkers.
Lux and Garen sat on the couch in front of her.
"I don't have a problem," Garen insisted.
Lux rolled her eyes and turned to her brother. "Teemo," she said.
Garen immediately started shrieking and dropped down to hide under the couch. "GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN! GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN! DEMACIA!"
Karma sighed. Sae eleisa tera vi - it was going to be a long week.
Monday – Afternoon: Vi
"I don't have anger management problems," said Vi.
"You don't?" Karma asked as non-confrontationally as she could. She really liked her nose and didn't want Vi's fist to accidentally hit it.
"Yeah, I don't," said Vi. "I don't get mad. I get even." The pink haired enforcer emphatically brought one giant fist down on Karma's coffee table, breaking the poor little thing in half and sending splinters flying. "Uh, oops? Sorry."
"So when you punched out three of Jinx's teeth last week and were removed from active duty for police brutality…?"
"Cait totally overreacted," Vi protested. She waved a hand around in agitation. SMASH went the armrest of Karma's couch. "Jinx said my fat hands made my boobs look small, she had it coming! What does that pettanko know about boobs anyway?"
Karma looked down at her clipboard. Caitlyn had helpfully provided a yes checkbox and a no checkbox to the all-important question: Cleared for active police duty?
Meanwhile, Vi tried to prop the coffee table back up. In doing so, she managed to destroy no less than an end table, the ceiling fan, and Karma's decorative potted plant named Herb.
Karma's pen hovered over the clipboard.
Only one of those boxes would get Vi out of her office and away from her furniture.
Her course was clear.
Monday – Evening – Multipurpose Room D: The Ionians
"Good evening everyone," Karma greeted. She and many of the other Ionians were sitting (well, Kennen was more vibrating – sitting still was hard on the little yordle) on folding chairs arranged in a circle. "Welcome to the Obsessive-Compulsive Balance Support Group. I think we all know each other, so why don't we go ahead and start?" Karma paused for formality's sake, then continued. "So does anyone want to share anything about how balance has affected them this week?"
Shen raised his hand. "This week, I balanced the hospital budget," he announced.
"And how did you do that, Shen?" Karma asked, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in her gut.
"I raised the prices for all basic services by 75%," he said proudly. "And all other services by 150%."
Karma tried really, really hard not to sigh loudly. So she sighed quietly instead. "And Shen, do you think this is a good example of balance or a bad example of balance?"
Before Shen could respond, Wukong jumped in. "Bad balance, duh."
Shen crossed his arms defensively. "So what have you balanced this week, Master Kong?"
"Uh," Wukong stammered. He scratched his head. Then… "I balanced on my tail!" he said. He jumped out of his seat and demonstrated. "See?"
The Ionians gave him some awkward applause. Soraka handed him a banana as he took his seat again.
"I'd like to say something about balance," Irelia suddenly said.
Karma refrained from rubbing her temples. Lath rian oune vi. "Yes, Irelia?"
"Lesbians," said Irelia.
"I'm sorry, I don't follow," said Karma.
"Lesbians," Irelia repeated. "This league is full of Lesbians."
"How does that relate to balance?" Karma asked, already afraid of the answer.
"Lesbians are unbalanced!" Irelia declared. "There are men and there are women – there are two and two halves balance perfectly and are naturally meant to be together as equals, thus keeping the world in balance and-
"What's gotten into her?" Master Yi muttered to Akali.
Akali shrugged. "She's been going on about this ever since Syndra hit on her in the locker room…"
"Oh, so that's what that was," said Wukong. "Humans are so weird sometimes."
Akali stiffened. "You weren't even there!"
Wukong leaned back in his chair and took a bite of his banana. "I get around."
FLASHBACK!
Irelia, wrapped in a fluffy white towel, stepped out of the shower at the pool locker room.
And there was Syndra. Fully dressed. Smiling. "Hey, Irelia, I like your… sword."
Irelia choked.
"You know, I have a lot of balls. And… swords and balls go together."
Syndra chuckled and then looked immensely proud of herself.
Irelia stepped back into the shower and drew the curtain shut. She wasn't sure what just happened, but she felt really, really dirty.
END FLASHBACK!
"-and that's why marriage is between one man and one woman," Irelia finished.
"Does this mean you're not going to Lux and Riven's wedding?" Varus asked.
"Lux and Riven are getting married?" Soraka asked.
"That's what Garen told me when I ran into him at the gym," said Varus. He stroked his washboard abs. Washboard abs took a lot of work and he was very proud of them. Also, his long flowing hair. He was proud of that too.
"Someone should probably tell Lux and Riven then," said Soraka.
"And on that note," said Karma as she pulled a bottle of Advil out of her purse, "I think we can end today's meeting. I hope to see you all here next week. And Irelia – I have an opening at 3 pm tomorrow. Why don't you come in so we can… discuss your League of Lesbians theory."
Tuesday – Back at the Office – Morning: Riven
"So I hear you're marrying Lux," Karma said.
On the couch (repaired courtesy of duct tape and bubblegum), Riven froze. "Who told you that? Wait. I know." Riven swore. "He wasn't supposed to tell anyone! I haven't actually proposed yet! It's supposed to be a surprise!" She got up and grabbed her sword. "When I get ahold of him…"
"Don't you want to finish your session?" Karma pleaded. "You said you were upset about catching Nerf…?"
Ignoring the therapist, Riven marched to the door and tried to open it. She failed.
Karma started, "It's a pull do-
Riven kicked the door down and stormed out.
Karma stared at the remains of her door. Gaen. Na. Kyri. Vi.
Tuesday – The Office – Afternoon: Irelia
"So, you think this is the League of Lesbians," Karma started.
"I can prove it," said Irelia.
"Can you?" asked Karma.
Irelia nodded. And then she pulled out a graph. "There are one hundred seventeen of us," said Irelia. "Of those one hundred seventeen, thirty eight are humanoid females. Of those thirty eight… Riven. Lux. Katarina. Ashe. Caitlyn. Vi. Leona. Diana. And then everyone knows Ahri and Miss Fortune and Cassiopeia aren't picky. And Sejuani must be a lesbian – just look at her. And Syndra was hitting on me in the shower! Almost thirty five percent of the women here are gay."
"More than that…" Karma muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing," said Karma. "And why does the idea of a League of Lesbians upset you so much?"
"It's unbalanced! What are all the men going to do?"
"Be gay," said Karma.
"And it's just not natural," Irelia continued, as if she hadn't heard Karma. "In a natural human population, a generous estimate of the occurrence of homosexuality is ten percent, so-
"Irelia," Karma said, holding up her hand and stopping the rant. "There's a very simple solution to your problem."
Irelia paused. "What?"
"You need to get laid," said Karma. "Think of this as internal balance. You can't balance the world if you're a raving lunatic."
Irelia huffed. "Are you saying-
– annnnddd look at that," Karma said. The Ionian therapist got up and pushed open the fractured remains of her office door. "Time's up, your session is over, leave your insurance information at the front desk and I'll see you next week."
Tuesday – Evening – Multipurpose Room A – Sibling Workshop
"-and today, she stole my pentakill," Katarina finished. She glared at her sister.
Cassiopeia rolled her eyes. "Clearly you weren't killing them fast enough."
"Katarina," Karma began – but then she was cut off.
"Can we talk about me for a minute?" Draven demanded.
"NO!" yelled everyone in the circle.
"But I'm Draven," said Draven.
Nasus wrapped a paw tighter around his axe. "Do not try my patience."
"Feh," said Renekton as he picked some… let's not think about who that used to be… out of his teeth. "Only worthwhile thing you've said all week."
Kayle sighed and said to Nasus, quite loudly, "Isn't it such a shame when the youth lack wisdom?"
"I'm sitting right here!" Morgana snapped.
Nasus bowed his oddly banana-shaped head. "I walk through the ages – but stupidity: it is never ending."
Renekton growled.
Katarina leaned over to the crocodile. "You know, violence solves everything."
And that was really all it took.
Sitting way back from the fight, Lux handed Garen a bag of popcorn. "I love you Garen."
Garen took a handful of popcorn and passed the bag back. "I love you too Luxanna. I'll love you more when you're married and not living in sin anymore. You really need to have the wedding before Riven knocks you up, you know."
Lux's eye twitched. She snatched the popcorn back. "Garen, that – oh, you know what?" Lux paused and then smiled. "Teemo."
Garen shrieked and jumped out of his chair – straight into the sibling brawl.
Lux ate a few more bites of popcorn and then walked over to join Karma, who was hiding under a table. "Maybe don't help Garen with his Teemo problem after all," she said. "It's very convenient."
Wednesday – The Office – Morning: Syndra
Karma opened her poor destroyed door for Syndra. The Ionian therapist gestured to the remains of her couch. "Please, sit."
Hovering several inches above the floor, the Dark Sovereign surveyed the wreckage of the room. "I'll float," she said.
"Suit yourself," said Karma, who sat down on her chair – the one piece of furniture that wasn't in pieces (because she'd been sitting on it and thank-you-baby-Buddha Vi hadn't accidently punched her out the window). "What would you like to talk about?"
"I like Irelia," said Syndra.
"Okay," said Karma. "What about liking Irelia would you like to talk about?"
"I like Irelia!" said Syndra, with much more gusto than the last time.
Karma briefly weighed the pros and cons of buying a bottle of scotch and keeping it in her office. What the hell kind of social graces were they teaching in the temples these days? Putting her many years of experience to work, Karma guessed, "So the problem is that Irelia doesn't like you back?"
Syndra held up a hand and an orb of dark power collected there, casting a sinister glow all over the room. "She will."
Karma gulped. Visions of a kidnapped Irelia danced through her head. "Ah, yes, she will – after you improve your flirtation technique-which-does-not-involve-violence!"
Syndra let the orb evaporate so she could cross her arms. "My flirtation technique leaves nothing to be desired. Just yesterday -
FLASHBACK
Irelia was eating lunch when it crashed into her table. The Will of the Blades let out a most undignified squeak and leapt backwards. "What is that!?" she shouted.
Syndra smiled and posed. "I got you a piece of Ionia!"
END FLASHBACK!
"Right, nothing to be desired," Karma muttered.
"Exactly!" said Syndra.
"I know," said Karma. "Why don't you get her something less… violent. Like a level! Ionians love levels!"
"Level?" Syndra asked. "As in… leveling up? Like in video games? I like leveling up."
"No, no," Karma said, shaking her head. "A level as in the kind of thing you get at a hardware store to see if something is balanced. That kind of level."
"Hm. I'll try it then…" said Syndra.
"Good!" said Karma. "Now if you'll just leave your insurance information with the front desk, I have some calls I need to make…"
Wednesday – The Office – Afternoon: Jinx
Jinx looked around the wrecked room. "Cool place you've got here, Ambiguously Brown Lady. Looks like something my sister decorated." The maniac plopped down on the sagging couch.
"That's very nice of you *hic* Jinx," said Karma as she tried to hide her very large bottle of scotch.
Jinx kicked back and stuck her feet on the arm of the couch so she could lounge properly. "So what're we doing this time? Schizophrenia? Borderline personality disorder? Bipolar? Horrible, awful, crippling… boredom?"
Finding nowhere to hide her scotch, Karma gave up and took a very large chug straight from the bottle. "I need a, uh, fav-, uh… favor!"
Jinx sat up straight and grinned. "Oh really? If I help, will you just pretend I showed up to all those court mandated therapy appointments I missed?"
"Yeah," said Karma. She took another chug. "Syndra. Irelia. Make it happen."
Jinx rubbed her hands together. "Can do, Ambiguously Brown Lady!" She pulled out a handful of explosives for dramatic effect. "This is going to be fun!"
And then one of the bombs slipped out of her fingers.
"Oh fuck," said Karma.
Wednesday – Evening – Multipurpose Room A: Alcohol And Me – How to De-stress Without Getting Hammered
Karma staggered in clutching her booze tightly.
The various and assorted just-about-everyone-from-the-League stared at her.
Karma stared back. She blinked. She blinked again. Then, "We're relocating today's meeting."
"Where?" someone asked.
"THE BAR," said Karma.
Thursday – What's Left of the Office – Morning: Piltover's Finest
"So you last saw Syndra yesterday morning?" Caitlyn asked. The sheriff was standing in the middle of the soot-stained room with her notepad and pencil out. Vi was sitting by the broken window, being bored and watching something or another outside.
Karma, nursing one hell of a hangover, groaned, "Yes… wait. Oh, wait. Oh no. Has she done something?"
Caitlyn shrugged. "We're not sure. She, Irelia, and Jinx all disappeared, presumably yesterday. We didn't discover it until this morning when they failed to appear for their scheduled matches."
Karma was entirely too hungover to feel the least bit guilty. "Oh, imagine that," she said.
Caitlyn was about to proceed with her interrogation when Vi screamed "SQUIRREL!" The enforcer then proceeded to punch a massive hole in Karma's wall and go running after a small rodent.
Caitlyn facepalmed.
Karma massaged her temples. "Who gave her a badge, anyway?" she asked.
"You're the one who cleared her for active duty," snapped Caitlyn. The sheriff stomped over to the brand new window. "VI! VI GET BACK HERE!"
When Vi kept chasing the squirrel (which, most likely, was actually some poor fool who'd bumped into Lulu), Caitlyn sighed. She pulled a cupcake out of her hat. "VI!" she shouted. "I HAVE CUPCAKES!"
Vi stopped chasing the squirrel and her head whipped around. And then she saw the cupcake.
Karma groaned as what remained of her office wall disappeared.
Thursday – What's Left of the Office – Afternoon: Ziggs
"Please," Karma moaned, "Please don't blow up anything here."
Ziggs poked around the debris that covered the floor. "Not much left to blow up," he said.
"I know," groaned Karma.
Ziggs picked up a bit of explosive casing and sniffed it. "Jinx?" he asked.
Karma nodded.
"She came by and picked up some special-made toys yesterday," Ziggs said. "She said something about how her favorite movie is Saw."
And yet.
And yet.
And yet Karma just couldn't bring herself to give a fuck.
Thursday – Evening – Multipurpose Room C: Zaun
Karma walked in.
Karma looked around.
"No," she said.
Karma walked out.
Friday – Morning – Morgana's Bakery
Karma was savoring her day off at Sinful Succulence. She'd walked in, Morgana had taken one look at her, and then the fallen angel had given her a glass of milk and a plate of fresh baked cookies, on the house. Every time she finished her milk or cookies, Pantheon would come over and refill her glass or give her another plate.
It was very… nice.
So there Karma was, trying to discreetly oogle Pantheon's abs, when she saw it.
Irelia walked in. Glowing. Like, glowing metaphorically but also actually glowing as in throwing off little tendrils of black energy. The Will of the Blades was smiling.
And behind her was Syndra, looking, as always, quite pleased with herself.
Karma's jaw dropped.
Jinx slid into the seat across the table from her. "I do good work," said the lunatic.
"How did you… what…?" Karma stammered.
Jinx waggled a finger. "A magician never reveals her secrets! Besides, this week is all about you." She paused and winked at one of the walls. "So about those court ordered appointments…"
"So about my office that you blew up," Karma replied.
Jinx waved a hand dismissively. "All replaceable."
"My diploma was in there!" Karma argued.
"Psh," said Jinx. "Where'd you get it that you can't just call the school and ask them to send you a new one?"
"… the internet."
"ME TOO!" said Jinx.
"Say…" Karma began…
Epilogue – Friday – Afternoon – The Office
Jinx skipped into the decimated office, waltzed over to the biggest chunk of remaining wall and taped her diploma up.
Jinx: Masters in Counselling.
She was in business!
A/N: So yeah. Uhm. Anyone got any more suggestions?