Sakura can feel herself growing weaker as the days stretch into winter. She recalls that she used to get out of bed with ease, waking up early to sip tea and greet the sunrise, though now she must drag herself to get dressed and head out the door. The routine has settled in, bringing her from the frigid opening of each day to the painful end, staring at the ceiling and pretending she cannot hear her stomach growl.
Whenever she sees Gaara, her heart sinks. Not again, she tells herself, don't lie this time. Just as she is convinced that she will say hello to him and tell him how she feels and how she knows she isn't the same as she once was, she stops. A voice inside her speaks up unpredictably, nastily, telling him that she is busy. She is permanently busy. Sakura is cast aside- the voice takes control. She feels betrayed by her own body as she silently watches Gaara retreat, a haunted look in his pale green eyes.
Her days are completely empty without him, now. She feels cold constantly, finds herself piling on more and more layers just to keep from shaking. She is disappearing into her clothes, wondering if they are getting larger or if perhaps, impossibly, finally, she is growing smaller. She's rather lonely, with only her anger and her hunger to keep her company. The voice controls her steadily more and more each day- she eats less, her resolve is no longer as weak. She has found strength, months into her isolation.
If only it wasn't so difficult to focus on work with her new-found strength. She is hungry all the time, hyper-aware of the gurgles of her empty stomach and the sound of her own shallow breathing. Time becomes an enemy, moving slowly, stretching infinitely as though it were a viscous liquid, slowly but surely encapsulating her as she counts the hours until she can go home and sleep. Sleep is her ally in the battle against time, her weapon against the monotony of hunger. Yet no matter how long she sleeps, she is just as exhausted when she wakes as when she first got into bed.
As she rises that morning, something is not quite right. It has been a long time since she felt that anything was right, but this morning in particular is bad. She has not eaten in 2 days and 19 hours, her last failure being a single cookie which Kimi had watched her (forced her to) consume. It had made her senses explode, awakening the hunger within her which had lied dormant before. Insurmountable hunger overtook her as she clutched her stomach and attempted to summon the will to leave her bed.
Sakura wondered if she was dying. It would be appropriate for her to die, she thought, as she had never felt more worthless than at that moment. Having fucked up everything in her life thus far, it felt acceptable to stop. Breathing was a burden; to simply stop was the obvious response. Sakura embraced the thought of death, accepted it, and closed her eyes. She wondered if she was dying- or perhaps, she wished it to be true.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
The roof of a car. Fade out. Back in- commotion, noise, blurred colors, a phone ringing? chaos erupting from all corners of the earth. Fade out. Coming back into consciousness: dim lights, a cold, cold room. Fade out. Hospital smell. I don't want to be here again. I feel sick. I need to escape. I can't get out of here. I can't open my eyes. I can't open my mouth. Why am I so tired? I can't move. I can't.
"That was quite a close call, you know," a familiar feminine voice was saying. "I wouldn't have let her leave in the first place if it was up to me, but of course it's not. You can't tell a grown woman what to do with her life, at least not unless she wants you to. It's a good thing she had a friend like you to look out for her."
"But is it enough?" Gaara was speaking; she could hear his voice clearer than anything. Above the background noise of machines whirring and some sort of slow beeping, it was uniquely him. The thought sent a shiver down her spine, and she wished so dearly that she could move, that she could hide herself. "Will she really be okay?" His voice was low, a tone one adopts when they want to discuss serious matters without attracting the attention of others.
"That's for her to decide, I'm afraid," the familiar voice replied. Annie? Anna? Ami. Of course it would be Ami, standing a few feet away from her, talking as though she was not in the room. Was she in the room? It was impossible to tell; her eyelids were far too heavy to lift. It was quite possible that she was floating above the pair right now, their voices rising to meet her as she struggled to communicate with them. Silence hung in the air until she heard a small sigh accompanied by the sound of one pair of padded footsteps retreating.
Forcing herself to at least open her eyes, Sakura squinted against the harsh lighting surrounding her. A sharp intake of breath- she attempted to follow the sound, located a few feet to her right, slowly and painstakingly. Her entire body was sore, though she struggled regardless to lift her body up using her frail arms as support.
A warm hand fell on her shoulder, causing her to tense up instinctively. A slight wavering in the hand's confidence- his fingers curled back slightly as Sakura moved her neck to face Gaara. He seemed to be afraid of her, and she realized for the first time that her shoulder blades looked rather menacing in the hospital gown. Of course it would be unflattering. No one had seen her body for months; of course he would be a little surprised. Sakura attempted a smile which caused his hand to relax, though his fingers stayed ghosting the tip of her shoulder blade. Truly looking at him for the first time in what felt like an eternity, she noticed the bags under his eyes and his paler complexion.
"You look like shit," she croaked, her voice keeping a friendly tone. She laughed a rich laugh, a sincere laugh, one she felt from the pit of her stomach upwards. He smiled morosely, and his hand drifted to the side of her face. She twitched for a second, her body's immediate response being to recoil. But she stayed there, feeling the warmth of his fingertips spread from her cheek to her whole face until a more genuine smile graced his lips.
"You do too," he replied, looking down at her weak figure with overwhelming compassion written on his face. "But at least you're alive. You know, you…" he was looking away now, moving his hand from her face to his side. "You've always been beautiful."
Sakura fell silent at this remark, unprepared for him to be so raw and emotional. Anticipating a repeat of Naruto's emotional hospital visit, Sakura attempted to change the subject. "So you've met Ami?" She was unsure just how long they'd been speaking before she drifted into consciousness for the final time that day, but they seemed to be pretty friendly with each other from the way they were speaking… about her, of all things.
Gaara turned to face her, surprised that she had been awake for at least part of their conversation. His face slightly pink, Gaara replaced the look of shock with a guarded smile. "Yeah, I just met her and she warmed right up to me. Seems to think I'm a great guy. If only everyone else thought so…" he left off, passive-aggressively referencing her behavior as of late.
Sakura smiled sheepishly, trying to keep their banter from descending into an argument. "I think you're a great guy. That's why I… Hey, let's not talk about it for now, okay?" Gaara nodded, sliding his hand through his untamed red hair. He gestured that he was going to head out and left without saying another word. Watching him leave, Sakura allowed herself to exhale deeply. After hearing Ami and Gaara's conversation, and waking up in a hospital room for the second time this year, she had begun to wonder if something was very seriously wrong with her.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Gaara's hands were unsteady as his fingers entered the number into his phone, unsure of how the voice on the other line would sound, much less how they would react to the news he'd been tasked with delivering. He had yet to meet her parents, so he couldn't even put a face to a name as he heard ringing on the other line.
"Haruno residence," came a stern, male voice from the opposite end. "May I ask who is calling?"
"My name is Gaara, sir," he replied nervously, leaving out his last name to avoid drawing attention to himself rather than the matter at hand. "I'm an acquaintance," he forced himself to say, reminding himself that she had been avoiding him for the past few months and likely would hesitate to even call him that, "of your daughter, Sakura, and right now she-"
"Sakura who?" the voice, presumably Sakura's father, barked into the phone.
"Sakura Haruno… your daughter?" Gaara replied meekly, rechecking the numbers he dialed to ensure he hadn't gotten the wrong Haruno.
"I have no daughter," the man replied coolly before ending the call. Having not had a chance to explain himself, Gaara immediately called back, only to receive an answering machine. Closing his phone slowly, Gaara let out an exasperate sigh and headed back into the hospital. "This is so fucked up," he said to himself more than anyone.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Ami walked in immediately after Gaara left the room, which Sakura had grown to expect in the short time they'd known each other. Ami looked at her expectantly. "He is a handsome man. I can't help myself," she joked lightheartedly rather than addressing the situation at hand. Sakura chuckled, then grew quiet, ensuring the words she was about to say were the ones she truly meant.
"Ami," she began quietly, then forced herself to speak more confidently. "Ami, I want to go to a clinic. I want to get better."
Senior year is killing me! Sorry for the long wait. One chapter left! Let's hope it doesn't take however many months as this one did.
I originally had Gaara and Naruto waiting at the hospital to encourage her to get help, but I wanted to emphasize the fact that recovery is a personal choice, and while some people may have others help them on their journey, you must ultimately decide yourself whether you want to get better or not.