I am so sorry for making you wait so long for this chapter. I have no excuse, just blatant laziness. Along with the fact that I struggled a bit with this chapter. I wanted to get things moving a bit quicker, but didn't want things to feel so rushed and crazy. Hopefully, I pulled it off somewhat well. I do apologize for any mistakes. As usual, please drop a review and let me know what you think. Enjoy folks!
Disclaimer: I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.
XXX
When Jay woke later in the late afternoon he couldn't help the smile that came over him at the sight beside him. Erin was on her back and Olivia's toddler son was lying on top of her. His small, chubby face was nestled against Erin's chest, facing towards Jay and he had a pudgy thumb half-hanging out of his mouth.
Jay glanced at Erin's face and was surprised when his eyes met her open ones.
"Did you sleep at all?" Jay asked her. He lifted a hand from his side and brought it up to rest on the top of Erin's head. He moved his thumb in gentle circles over her forehead, eliciting a soft sigh from Erin's parted lips.
"I did for a little bit," Erin told him a few moments later.
"And when did this little guy come in here?" Jay asked glancing down at Noah. The little boy was still immersed in a deep sleep on top of Erin.
She raised an eyebrow at him. "You jealous of a two year old, Halstead?"
Jay smirked as Erin looked down at Noah. She moved her hand over his small back and a tiny smile appeared on her face.
"He started banging on the door a little after you crashed. When I heard him start crying again I couldn't take it," Erin told him looking back up into his eyes.
"He really likes you," Jay said glancing between Erin and Noah.
Erin nodded keeping a hand on the little boy's back and her eyes on Jay's. "So, when are you leaving?"
"What do you mean? I just got here."
"Yeah, but you can't stay here forever," Erin told Jay.
"Neither can you," he countered.
Erin sighed. "It was just a question, Jay."
"I'm staying here with you," Jay said. He reminded himself there was a sleeping child in the room and kept his voice down.
"You can't do that."
"And why not?" He asked.
"Because your life and your job and your home are in Chicago," Erin said.
"I could say the same for you."
Erin shook her head and swallowed a thick, guilt ridden lump in her throat. "I don't think I can go back there, Jay. At least not yet anyway."
"I'm not leaving you here alone."
"I won't be alone," Erin told him.
Jay sat up in the bed and leaned back against the headboard. He cast his eyes back down to Erin's. "You need me here. I need to be here."
"What I don't need is a babysitter and that's exactly what you'll become if you stay here. And then you'll piss me off and we'll end up fighting."
"Erin-"
"We're already fighting right now. You should go home, Jay," Erin told him looking back down at Noah.
"Erin, please – "
"We can talk later. We shouldn't do this right now with him in here," Erin said as she kept her eyes on the toddler. Jay sighed, but nodded in silent agreement.
Jay watched Erin run her hand over Noah's back. Her eyes drooped every so often and he knew it would only be a matter of time before she fell asleep again. Sure enough, she did just that within a few short minutes. Jay slipped from the bed and left the room, closing the door with a quiet thud behind him. He made his way out into the living room and found Hank on the couch. Olivia was curled up in the recliner; half asleep herself as her eyes struggled to stay open.
"How's she doing?" Hank asked him, nodding to the hallway as Jay sat down beside his sergeant.
Jay shrugged his shoulders. "She and the kid are sleeping."
Hank nodded. "So, you wanna tell me what exactly went down at that doctor's office then?"
"Not really," Jay muttered.
The look on Hank's face told Jay that he didn't really have a choice. He sighed and ran a hand over the back of his head. "She's completely detached from this pregnancy. She didn't wanna know the gender. And then I asked the nurse a few questions in private while Erin was changing and she got pissed off."
"What kind of questions?"
"If Erin and the baby were really okay. Why she seemed so disconnected from it; if it was normal."
"Is it?" Hank asked him.
"The nurse just said that every pregnancy is different and that the only thing I could really do was give Erin reassurance and stability. She also recommended that I have Erin talk to someone that specializes in addiction therapy.
"Well, we're working on that one," Hank told him.
Jay nodded. "That's what I said."
Hank stared at Jay, a peculiar look on his face. "There something else, Halstead?"
"Erin just told me to go back to Chicago," Jay said.
"And I'm guessing you told her no and she didn't like that," Hank said.
Jay sighed. "I can't just leave her here, Hank. Especially now. I can't."
"I know that, but we can't stay here in New York forever either. Furlough isn't a permanent vacation. We have to go back soon."
"Without Erin?" Jay pressed, raising his eyebrows.
"I don't like it either, Jay. But I do trust Olivia. Erin will be taken care of; I have no doubts about that."
Jay shook his head. "I don't like the idea of leaving her. What if something happens and neither of us are here? What if she relapses? What if – "
"Jay, calm down. You're gonna drive yourself crazy with all those what if's. Like you said, one day at a time. You and I both know that forcing her isn't going to get us anywhere. It's her pace we have to move along at. I don't like it just as much as you, but if we don't do it her way we just might lose her completely."
"I hate admitting you're right," Jay said looking back up at Voight.
Hank smirked. "Most people do."
Jay rolled his eyes and leaned forward. He rested his elbows on his knees and his held his head in his hands. He took a deep breath, then blew it out and turned to look back at Hank. "We're really gonna leave her?"
"We don't have much of a choice. Olinsky can't run the unit forever. We have work to do. Like I said, I don't like it, but we still have responsibilities besides Erin and the baby."
Jay sighed. "Can we wait, just a few more days at least?"
"I have to get back to the unit, but I can give you three more."
"Yes, please," Jay said quickly.
Hank leaned forward and clapped Jay's shoulder. "It's settled then. Finish out the week with her and be back by Monday, okay?"
Jay nodded. "Thank you."
Hank waved him off. "Don't mention it."
When Olivia had woken up a little later Hank had filled her in on what was going on. She offered to drive him to the airport, and then she got up to retrieve Noah from the guest bedroom. Hank had gone into the room afterwards to say goodbye to Erin, but since she was still sound asleep he settled for kissing the top of her head. Hank said a quick goodbye to Jay and then soon he, Olivia and Noah were out the door.
Jay made his way down the hall to the guest room and walked in quietly. He stepped towards the empty side of the bed and lied down facing Erin. Her eyes were closed and Jay's arms found their way around her small frame to pull her close against him, scattering her forehead with a few soft kisses as he did so. One of his hands found its way to the dip in her lower back and his fingers moved in soft, simple strokes.
"You asleep?" Jay asked through the silence. He didn't think she was even though her eyes remained closed and her breaths remained even. His arms stayed wound around her body as she was nestled beside him. Jay rested his chin on the top of Erin's head while her face was half-hidden in his chest and her warm breath beat against his skin.
Erin shook her head then to answer his question, and then she moved one of her hands from between them down to his waist. She gripped his t-shirt and held it tightly and Jay kissed the top of her head before he squeezed her against him.
"Are you hungry?"
"Not really," Erin mumbled against him.
"Can you try to eat something anyway, please?"
Erin swallowed and then sighed out a shaky breath. "I'll try."
Jay kissed her once more on the top of her head before he unraveled his arms from around her body. The two got out of the bed and Jay walked to the door. He turned to see Erin reach for something in the nightstand that he couldn't quite make out.
"What's that?" Jay asked as she pulled out what looked to be a pill bottle of some sort. She took the cap off and took one out, and then popped it into her mouth. She chewed slowly as she returned the bottle to the drawer and closed it.
"What was that?" Jay asked her again when she finally met him at the door.
"Prenatal vitamin," Erin told him quietly.
A small smile came over Jay's face as he grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed the top of it before releasing her hand, and then turned around to open the door. The two walked out of the bedroom and made their way to the living room.
"Where is everyone?" Erin asked as she looked around. It seemed they were alone.
"Olivia left a little bit ago to take Hank to the airport; she took Noah with her. Hank went in to say goodbye to you, but you were still sleeping. Said he'd call later tonight when he was home."
Erin nodded, but didn't say a word as she took a seat on one end of the couch.
"What are you hungry for? I'll find us a place to order some food from."
"I don't care. You pick," Erin said as she took a seat on the couch.
Jay nodded and pulled his phone out from his front pocket. He walked into the living room and took a seat beside Erin at the vacant end of the couch just as she turned the television on.
A half hour later they were eating take-out from some Thai place a few blocks away. It was quiet between the two until Jay set his food down and glanced at Erin on the other side of the kitchen table.
"I'll be leaving Sunday morning," Jay told her warily.
Erin looked up from the noodles in front of her and locked eyes with the man across from her. It was a look he couldn't quite describe; as if she might ask him to stay a bit longer or tell him she would leave with him, but she said nothing. Instead, Erin just nodded and mumbled out an "okay" before she went back to eating. She kept her eyes down and when she finished her food she discarded the carton and made her way back to the guest room. She ignored the deep sigh she heard Jay breathe out and slipped into the room, and under the covers.
XXX
The next few days passed by far too quickly for Jay's liking. When the time came Sunday morning for him to leave, Jay said a quick goodbye to Olivia and her son. When he turned to face Erin he held her in a tight embrace, not wanting to let her go.
"I'll call you when I get back to Chicago. I'll call you every day, alright? Please don't shut me out, Erin," he said into her ear as he tightened his arms around her shoulders.
Erin only nodded against him unsure of what to say to him. When Jay released her and pulled away he quickly kissed her forehead. "Don't forget how much I care about you. How much you mean to me, okay?"
She nodded again without saying a word and with one last look over his shoulder Jay picked up his duffle bag and walked out of the apartment. Only when the door clicked closed did Erin feel the tears leave her eyes.
XXX
Two weeks had passed since Jay left New York. Each day that passed became less difficult to deal with, but Erin still felt that all too familiar urge inside of her. The ache in her bones, the shake of her hands; the withdrawal had set in and left, but Erin seemed to be almost struggling with not being able to drink any alcohol.
Olivia had been a lifesaver though; she had called in a personal favor to Lieutenant Murphy who had agreed to run things for Benson at the Special Victim's Unit. It gave Olivia the time to really be there for Erin. All of the booze was thrown out. Olivia's words had been, "It's a sacrifice I'll make happily if it helps you get better."
Another person who had been there, probably without even really meaning to, was Noah. The two year old tot seemed to never leave Erin alone. It was almost as if the kid knew the woman was struggling. From the time he woke up to the time he went to bed all Noah wanted was to be around Erin. She would help Olivia feed and bathe him, and when nap time and bed time came it was all about the cuddling.
Still, something felt out of place and Erin was sure she knew what it was, but she didn't want to admit it. Not out loud anyway.
"You were crying in your sleep again last night."
Erin looked up from her cup of decaf – she couldn't drink the real stuff because of her partner's baby growing inside of her, and saw Olivia's eyes on her from across the kitchen.
"What?"
"I heard you. The pills don't seem to be helping you. We should get you to a doctor," Olivia said to her.
Erin shook her head before she took another sip from her coffee mug. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine. Have you considered talking to someone now? It might not be a bad idea, ya know?"
Erin remained quiet, tearing her eyes from Olivia's hard gaze, and looked down at her hands. "I talk to Jay every day. He calls like clockwork. And I've talked to Hank a few times. Isn't' that enough?"
Olivia shook her head. "You know it's not. You're doing better, but you're still so closed off, Erin. You won't talk about the baby. I got you those pregnancy books last week and they're still sitting behind the guest bedroom door in the Barnes and Noble bag."
"I'm just trying to wrap my head around it still," Erin said quietly, raising the mug to her lips once more.
Olivia sighed before she walked towards the table and sat down next to Erin. The older woman reached a hand out and placed it on top of Erin's as she brought the mug back down to the table's surface. "Erin, that's not it at all and you know it. There's something you're not talking to me about. And I know you don't talk to Jay about it because he asks me every day how you're really doing. He's worried about you. We all are. You've gotten through the withdrawal and we are so proud of you for that, but there's something that's eating at you. You've gotta talk to us. You've gotta talk to someone."
Erin nodded, knowing full well that Olivia was right, but she couldn't talk about it. Not now and certainly not to Jay, or any of them really.
"I kind of miss home, " Erin admitted then looking up at Olivia. "I kind of miss Jay and Hank. It feels weird not being around them."
Olivia nodded. "That's understandable. They're your family. Do you wanna go home, Erin?"
Erin shrugged. "I don't know."
"It's either a yes or a no, sweetheart."
"I do," Erin admitted, "But I'm scared. What if I screw up again?"
"You will be surrounded by people that want to help you. Don't push any of us away, not now. Not after everything that you've been through. Not after all of the things you've already achieved."
Erin sniffled and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, trying not to cry yet again. She kept her eyes on Olivia and sniffled once more. "Would you come with me? At least for a few days maybe? I understand if you can't, but you just, I don't know. You make things seem easier, and –"
Olivia smiled and squeezed Erin's hand, effectively silencing her. "Of course I'll come with you, Erin."
XXX
It had been a slow day in Intelligence and a slow few weeks for Jay Halstead since he'd left New York fourteen days ago. He couldn't get Erin off of his mind; she seemed to take over his every thought of nearly every day. But she wasn't just his partner or ex-partner anymore; Erin Lindsay was the mother of his child. A child that was unplanned, yes, but as each day passed Jay became more and more excited for what the future held for him and Erin. He loved her. He was in love with her. He knew it. He felt it. The only problem was convincing her of the fact and getting her back to her normal self. He felt a smile on his face at the mere thought of her and reached for his phone, wanting to send her a text message.
Just as he pulled his phone out of the front left pocket of his jeans, Jay heard a familiar creak on the hardwood. He looked up then at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. He did a double take and when he was sure he wasn't hallucinating he nearly jumped up from his desk. He quickly walked the few steps to where Erin Lindsay stood at the front of the bullpen.
"What are you doing here? Are you okay? Is everything alright? Is it the – "
"I'm fine," Erin told him, quickly cutting him off. She wasn't ready for anyone else to know she was knocked up by him, especially when she was still somewhat processing all of it herself.
"Lindsay? Oh man, it is you! Where the hell have you been?"
Erin looked over Jay's shoulder to see a smirking Ruzek and wanted to roll her eyes, but she refrained. She swallowed nervously when she realized the rest of the team had taken note of her presence. Dawson and Atwater looked on in stunned silence, Kim gave a warm, yet unsure smile, and Alvin quickly tipped his hat to her with a wink; she was certain Voight had already told him a few things, but Erin definitely wasn't up to dealing with a hundred different questions from everyone. She was suddenly regretting her decision in coming home.
Jay half turned and glared at his colleague. "Shut up, Ruzek!"
When Jay looked back at Erin standing in front of him he saw the uneasy expression on her face.
"Erin?" He asked. His voice was just above a whisper, but it pulled her out of her deprecating thoughts. When she looked up at Jay he gave her a small half-smile.
"Come on," Jay said to her. He reached down between them and grabbed her right hand in his left, and then led her through the pen. He dropped her hand as they entered the breakroom and he closed the door behind her.
"I can't believe you're really here; that you're back. Not gonna lie, I thought it would be a bit longer before I saw you in this city again, let alone this district to be completely honest," Jay told her.
Erin nodded. "Makes two of us."
"What made you come back then?" Jay asked.
Erin swallowed nervously again and ran her tongue over her bottom lip before she looked up and locked eyes with Jay. "Olivia convinced me that it might not be such a bad idea to talk to someone. Really talk to someone. After you and Voight left, I dunno. It felt like something was missing. I didn't feel very safe. I can't sleep at night, even with the pills now. Since you left, I just don't know. Olivia said it was probably my subconscious trying to tell me something, so I thought that maybe it was time to come home."
"I'm glad you came back. You have no idea how happy I am to see you," Jay told her with another small smile.
She smiled back as best as she could. Her nerves were still jumbled and she felt so out of place there in the breakroom, despite how many great moments they had shared together in the small space.
"I noticed Voight wasn't in his office. Where's he at?" Erin asked a moment later.
"He got a phone call earlier. He's been gone a few hours now," Jay told her, briefly glancing at his watch.
"I figured he'd be here. I was kinda hoping he'd let me stay with him for a while until I can get back on my feet," Erin said before she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth.
"What's wrong with your apartment?" Jay asked with a single raised eyebrow.
"I'm sure the super gave it to someone new by now. I haven't been there in a while. I haven't really been keeping up with the rent either."
"Voight and I have kind of been taking care of that for you," Jay said cautiously.
Erin's eyes widened and she almost took a step back, but she held her ground. "What?"
"Your rent is up to date, all your utilities too. You can go home whenever you want. The place is still yours."
Erin shook her head, trying to process what he'd just told her. The familiar ache of guilt returned and so did the sting of tears in the corners of her eyes.
"You didn't have to do that. You shouldn't have actually," she told him quietly, unable to look up at him.
Jay stepped forward, closing the remaining bit of space between them and reached for both of Erin's hands. He squeezed them in his, but she still wouldn't look up at him.
He sighed. "I don't care about the money, Erin, if that's what you're worried about. It's not important. All I care about is you. Same goes for Voight. So, don't over think it. Just let us help you, alright?"
Erin swallowed hard, but nodded before she pulled her hands out of his. "You and him seem awfully close. Paying my bills. Having dinner. You were with him the other night when you called. I heard him in the background."
"Voight's not so bad. He's pretty easy to talk to actually," Jay chuckled, hoping he hadn't upset her. He just wanted to help.
"You realize that now," Erin mumbled.
"What?" Jay asked, not hearing her.
Erin forced a smile and shook her head. "Nothing. Um, I guess I'll head home then."
"I'll drive you," Jay offered.
Erin immediately shook her head again. "You don't have to. You're working and besides, Liv is downstairs with Noah."
"Olivia came with you?"
"She wasn't about to let me come here alone," Erin told him.
"No, I – that's good. I'm glad she didn't. I'll walk you down," he said to her.
Erin shook her head. "You don't have to. I just came to see Voight. I'll give a call later."
A look of hurt came over Jay's face, but he nodded anyway. "Okay. If you need me or anything, just, yeah. You know."
"I know. I'll see ya later," Erin said to him before she turned around. She stepped away from Jay, disregarding the feeling in her gut, and then walked out of the breakroom.
Erin ignored the looks from her old unit and made her way towards the top of the stairs. She tried to ignore the familiar pair of eyes she felt on her back, but before Erin took the first step down she turned her head. Her hazel eyes met green and before she realized what she was doing Erin had walked back across the bullpen. She took quick steps through the open doorway of the breakroom and then wrapped her arms around Jay's shoulders.
"I missed you," she whispered into his neck.
A wide smile took over Jay's face as he quickly wrapped his own arms around Erin's waist. Her stomach was still as flat as ever – not having "popped" yet and Jay gave a gentle squeeze as he held her against him.
"I missed you, too," Jay told her softly.
"I meant what I said," Erin said once she pulled back to look at him.
His eyes questioned her intent and she swallowed nervously. "About talking to someone. I'll do it."
"You're sure?" Jay asked her.
Erin shook her head. "No, but I know that I have to."
Jay gave her a small smile before he pulled her back into his arms. He hugged her tight and whispered into her ear, "You're not alone. You are not alone in this. You hear me?"
She nodded against him, trying to keep her tears from falling. They fell anyway and when she sniffled into Jay's neck he only held her tighter.
XXX
"I feel like a failure sitting here, Jay."
"You're not a failure, Erin. You're getting help. That's not failure; it's the bravest thing you could do. Most people can't even admit they have a problem. You're gonna be okay. You have a lot of people that care about you. We're gonna help get you through this. I'll be right out here when you're done, alright?" Jay told her.
"Okay," Erin said quietly with a nod.
Jay leaned over where she sat beside him and kissed her on the side of her head just as a white door swung open some feet in front of them. Erin looked up, recognizing an older man with greying hair on his head and thin-framed glasses that rested along the bridge of his nose.
"Hello, Erin. I'm glad you stopped by today," the man said softly with a kind smile.
Erin forced a smile of her own through the tears she felt in her eyes and stood from the chair she had been sitting in for the last fifteen minutes.
She glanced at Jay who gave her one last reassuring smile and then she stepped towards the man standing in the open doorway. "Hi, Dr. Aldman."