Derek sat alone on the steps of his new home. The stars filled the midnight blue sky and the only sounds that could be heard for miles around was the soft humming of the crickets from deep with in the dark. Picking up the glass bottle that sat beside him he lifted it to his mouth and took a swig of the bitter tasting beer.

His life felt so mundane. Full of mistakes, and everyday task that no longer held any meaning. He was walking through his days as if he just existed. No purpose. No meaning. He was just here.

It had been two weeks since he had buried his wife. Two weeks since he had slept with his best friend and walked away leaving nothing but a note. A note. An apology. Laughing bitterly he thought of what an ass he really was. His insides curled up in agony over the thought of her wakening to those two words…I'm sorry.

Sorry for what? For fucking her the day he had buried his wife. For wanting her as a married man. Was he sorry for the fact that he hadn't even bothered to remove his pants? Finishing off his beer he threw it, slamming the glass bottle against the side of the trailer. Watching as glass splintered and fell to the ground.

"Why?" he screamed into the night air, knowing there was no one around to hear him.

Standing he shrugged his shoulders trying to ease the stiffness that had worked into his muscles from fishing all day. He had hoped to relax. Hoped to spend the day standing knee deep in the water letting go of his past. Instead he had focused on her. Thoughts of her. Visions of her haunting his head. He should be thinking of his dead wife. He didn't want to be thinking of Meredith Grey but his head wouldn't let him think of anything else.

His thoughts were consumed with memories of her hair lying across his arm when he woke up. Her eyes. Those green orbs of passion as she clung to his shoulders taking his thrust. The scent of lavender that had followed him through out his day once he left. Images of biting her lip as she came. When he sat alone he could remember her tears. Her soft sobs as she tried to sooth him, ignoring her own pain…these were his haunting thoughts. His torture.

Many times over the last few weeks he had picked up his phone to call her. Only to toss it to the side cursing himself for even thinking it. Several times he had driven by her house. Parking. Waiting-just to catch a glimpse of her. Telling himself he just wanted to make sure she was okay.

It was as if he was a man possessed. The problem was he couldn't have her. What ever he touched fell apart and he couldn't-wouldn't do that to her.

The ringing of his cell phone brought him out of his thoughts. Crossing the small space of ground back to his trailer he checked the caller id and answered it curiously wondering why he would be calling him at this time of night.

"Hello?"

"Hey Derek, it's Joe. From Emerald City Bar."

Derek furrowed his brow. Recognizing the person on the other end but still not understanding why he was calling.

"Yea Joe. Hey how are you doing?"

"I'm good. Good. Listen I was sorry to hear about your wife. Did you get the arrangement we sent?"

Derek took a deep breath. Tired of hearing apologies "yes I did thank you. Listen Joe, not to sound rude but it's late and I was heading to bed. Was there something you needed?"

"Well actually not what I need but what she needs, Dr. Grey is here and well…she's not in a position to drive. I really tried to think of someone else to call and if you can think of someone I will…but I don't want to just send her home in a cab."

"No don't do that. Did you try Dr. Yang" Derek asked hoping that the answer would be no.

"Yea she's on call tonight along with Izzie and George, so she suggested I call you. Listen in light of everything I'd understand if you didn't want to. I'm sure I can call her a cab and she'll be just fine."

Derek closed his eyes as the pain built up in his chest. He knew what he had to do-he just hoped he had the courage to face her.

"No. I'll be there, just don't let her leave."

Hanging up the phone he grabbed his keys and headed to his car. Opening the door he climbed in behind the wheel. Using his key in the ignition he listened as his car roared to life. Sitting there gripping the wheel he hopped and prayed he could face her, but even more he hoped he had the ability to resist her.

Driving down the dark road that would lead him into the city limits of Seattle he listened to the song on the radio. A familiar tune that use to bring a smile to his lips. A memory flashed through his mind as he listened to the familiar tune…

"Meredith what are you doing?" Derek yelled from his corner of Joes as he sat with Mark.

She was pulling her stool out trying to climb on top of it.

"Better go grab your girl Shepherd" Mark laughed taking a swig of his beer.

"She's not my girl" Derek said glancing down at his phone wondering where is wife was. They were suppose to meet up but she'd never shown. She'd left him a text an hour ago saying she was tied up and would see him later.

"Well what ever she is to you, you better grab her before she falls on her face."

Derek chuckled as he watched Meredith climb onto the bar top. Joe was laughing as she started dancing to the music. Her rhythm off due to the alcohol that was giving her the courage to do the performance in the first place. Standing up he walked over to the bar "Mer, don't you think you should get down."

"Dude let her go, she's hot" some young hot shot Derek recognized as an intern spoke up.

"Dude" Derek mimicked "shut up will ya."

Meredith giggled "aww my knight and shining whatever, will you save me Derek" before she could even finish her thought the heel of her boot got caught on the rail of the bar and she slipped. Thankfully Derek was still on top his game and reached out catching her.

Lying in his arms she had giggled. Smiling she touched his cheek "see you are my knight and shining whatever…guess that means I'll have to keep you" she whispered and then she was sliding down his body, running off to once again join her friends. He had stood their motionless trying to keep his body from reacting to the feel of her body, wishing the words she spoke were true…wanting nothing more than to be hers.

Derek sat in the parking lot of Joes watching the neon sign blinking merald as the "E" in Emerald was burned out. Gaining his courage he walked towards the bar. Opening the door the musky scent of smoke mixed with stale boos hit him causing him to wince. Walking down the stairs his eyes fell upon her sleeping form in the corner and his heart stopped-and the pain once again seeped in filling his every pore…