Chapter 9:
The silence between them had turned icy since their last exchange and still wordlessly they continued walking along the shore of the lake. Occasionally its long, spidery arms would stretch out and block their path, forcing them to take a detour into the woods once more but they would always return to the water.
She'd made sure to let Daryl walk a few paces further ahead of her, at first intentionally so – because she had needed a physical distance from him – but now because she'd become so lost in thought that she hadn't noticed how much further behind she'd fallen.
She'd stopped feeling the sun a while ago even though it continued to singe her skin through her clothes. As a matter of fact, she had stopped feeling anything as her body had taken one step after the other by its own accord. The heaviness, the numbness that had finally been lifted for a few glorious hours had returned full force and she felt unable to fight it.
She hadn't lost the girls either, not even when she'd found some relief in sharing the burden with Daryl and she doubted that she ever would.
But they'd been behaving differently.
They hadn't been calling out to her or threatening her. They had just been carefree little children, running around in the forest. That hadn't changed but she had. Now, when they came and begged her to play she felt too tired to oblige. If anything she wanted to lie down by the water, where the earth was the softest and she wanted to beg them to bury her in the mud.
Legs and chest first. Heavy handfuls to make sure she couldn't escape if she were to change her mind. Then more on her thighs, her feet, her shoulders. The mud felt warm and comforting but hardened quickly in the heat of the sun.
She was at the earth's mercy now and sooner or later – if the children hadn't done so yet – it would make sure that she would disappear. And then when she turned she would be buried too deep to cause anyone harm.
Mommy!
Carol startled and stopped in her tracks, noticing deep lines in the earth by the shore as if somebody had been dragged into the water.
Familiar, isn't it? Except for blood now there's mud.
Her feet carried her closer to the edge, towards the body that was undoubtedly floating in the lake.
Mommy, help me!
What if it was a child who had lost its balance while playing? What if it was in trouble and needed her help? Another step closer and her boot sank through the sludge. She knew that she was too late, she could see that the body had bloated up to twice its size, that strange liquid came pouring out and contaminated the water…and yet. And yet she had to try, she had to help.
But the thing had heard her, had slowly begun turning its ugly head in her direction when the sound of her boot had given her away. It gurgled softly, spewing water everywhere and continued to turn. Carol could see its belly now, noticed that the liquid wasn't the only thing that came spilling forth. Its intestines were being pushed out as well, squeezed through a large laceration it had suffered. Its bowels had already disappeared halfway in the depth of the lake, holding it in place like a perverse anchor. But nonetheless its belly kept pulsating with life, as if something else was struggling to come out.
Mommy, please!
Sophia!
Her right leg was so deep in the water now that she could feel the wetness up to her knee. The creature wasn't lost yet, it needed her help.
"Carol! Carol, what are you doing? Get away from that thing!"
And for the second time that day Daryl pulled her roughly back to safety. This time, however, she was unable to keep her balance and stumbled back until her body collided with his, sending them both onto the muddy ground.
He groaned at the impact and folded in on himself, cursing angrily.
She barely heard his heated words as they rained down on her, couldn't manage to break eye contact with the drowned creature yet.
"It's dead, Carol!" he yelled at her and this time his words pierced through the mist that had numbed her brain.
They also seemed to pierce a part of her she thought she'd protected well enough.
"I know."
Her voice sounded foreign to her own ears, strangely rough and hollow.
"No you don't! If you knew you wouldn't go into the water! You'd stay the fuck away from it and keep moving!"
She wrapped her arms around herself, creating more distance and tried keeping his voice out that kept cutting into her.
I've told you not to argue!
"I needed to make sure…" she muttered feebly.
"No you didn't!" he kept yelling, sinking down in the mud next to her.
He pulled her roughly against his chest and Carol could tell by the way her back impacted on it that he had hurt his ribs again.
"You've got eyes, dontcha?" he snapped, wrapping an arm around her and holding her chin so that she was forced to look at the walker. "That thing ain't alive!"
Whatever fear had first taken hold of her, had transported her back into her living room with Ed, had suddenly made room for something else.
Another voice that protested at being treated in such a way again.
She fought against Daryl's firm grasp and whirled around to confront him.
"Don't you dare!" she yelled, matching his voice in intensity, "Don't you dare talk to me like that or touch me like that!"
The fire in his eyes diminished and he seemed to crumble in on himself. His body shook with sobs and tears rolled down his cheeks.
She hadn't expected him to cry and for a moment felt utterly helpless.
"Please don't be stupid. Think. Don't get yaself killed."
Word after word spilled forth from his mouth and all she could do was listen.
"I've lost Merle and I couldn't protect Beth. Please don't let me lose you too."
He looked so helpless and broken that she realised she'd been leaning on him too much for support lately. He was only a man, after all. A man with a painful past who'd been dumped in the same crap. And who had chosen her of all people to get attached to.
"I'm sorry," she scooted towards him and wrapped her arms around his trembling body.
Reciprocating the gesture he brought her even closer until their foreheads gently met each other halfway between their bodies.
"I can't lose you…" he repeated, and the despair in his eyes made her heart constrict painfully.
All she wanted to do at that moment was to fix him, to make him smile and to put the broken pieces back together. But there were no words adequate enough to express the extent of her feelings or promises big enough to let him hope again.
The answer came to her in a gesture, one she'd somehow always known she'd be the one to initiate. Her lips brushed his gingerly and she saw his eyes widen at the touch. Allowing him to process it all she pulled away for only an inch.
The separation didn't last longer than a second until he leaned back in and captured her lips once more. His kisses were a little clumsy at first, their noses bumping against each other while they tried finding the angle and the rhythm that suited them.
It wasn't a passionate kiss but it still left them breathless.
"We're tired…" Carol said, the first one to find her voice again, "and we're starving. Let's keep going before it turns dark and perhaps we'll find an abandoned shop along the way. Billingwood will have to wait until tomorrow."
He nodded mechanically, still too preoccupied with what had just happened but then accepted the hand she had offered to help him up.
"What if Beth and the others can't wait though?" he asked, and for the first time it wasn't because his mind kept wandering there, but rather to stop the silence from stretching on any longer.
Seeing as Carol had managed to move on so quickly, he didn't want to appear like a wimp and ask any silly questions. But there were millions of them buzzing through his head.
What did it all mean?
Would she do it again?
Could he do it again?
Do you have any balls, baby brother?
He shook his head and with a last look at the drowned walker he jogged after her, carefully guarding his rib.
Carol turned her head to look at him over her shoulder and then smiled. "We have to assume they're alright. One more day won't make a difference."
"I don't agree," he muttered as they left the creek behind them, "but you're right about the food. We gotta eat something if we wanna survive." He fished the folded up map out of his pants pockets once more and held it out in front of him so she could see it too. "We're about to hit this street. We have to head south from there in anyway…let's just stay close to it and see if we pass any houses, find something edible there, have a break and then continue on. I can take it," he insisted when he saw her opening her mouth, "I just wanna make sure we waste no more time getting to Terminus. I need to find Beth."
He didn't notice the way her light blue eyes momentarily widened as if she was curious or surprised perhaps and by the time he looked at her again her expression was neutral once more.
She tried to focus on the journey ahead of them and mirrored his movements as well as she could – sticking close to the trees instead of the open road; scouting out the area for houses and shops – but despite her best efforts, her thoughts kept trailing back to the kiss.
It had been years since she had last shared such an intimate, comfortable moment with someone. And even when her attachment to Daryl had grown, she'd never imaged them having the opportunity or the space to connect in such a way. There just wasn't enough room for privacy when you moved in a group and lived from day to day.
So in that sense she felt that there couldn't have been a better moment for them. But in many other ways she wished she'd found a way to express what she was feeling otherwise and save the kiss for later.
But that didn't stop her from reliving the memory, of course. He'd felt so familiar, slightly rough and yet gentle, making her whole again.
"There," his voice tore her out of her thoughts and his arm wrapped around her middle to prevent her from taking another step forward.
Her hand instinctively flew to the dagger she'd started carrying on her belt again, but then she saw that he was pointing at a large house on the other side of the road that was camouflaged perfectly and her fingers relaxed.
"Yes, let's go." She nodded.
They both stalked to the side of the road, making sure that there were no walkers or humans in the vicinity. But the street – like so many others before – lay empty and bare with only a few cars stranded along it.
They reached the house within a few seconds and took their positions by the front door.
"I'll go in first," Carol suggested, loosening the blade from its holster, "and you cover my back."
"Ain't got nothin' to cover you with," he sighed, "but I'll make sure we won't get ambushed."
"Good," she smiled and with a last confirmatory nod, she pushed the handle down and entered the house.
"Almost too easy," Daryl breathed behind her and although she agreed, she chose to keep silent.
They crept from one room to the other in search for any lingering walkers or any other nasty surprises, but the house was deserted. And when they made it to the last room they understood why.
In a rocking chair by the window sat the decomposing corpse of an old lady. Her body was hunched over and a hole visibly protruded from the side of her head, although it was unclear if somebody had taken mercy on her or if she had chosen this way out herself.
Mommy, why can't we go see grandma anymore?
Your daddy is too busy to take us, sweetheart.
Carol blinked against the memories, the thoughts and the what-ifs while Daryl slipped past her and picked up the gun from the floor.
"Not my style…" he opened it up and checked the number of bullets remaining, "but a weapon's a weapon. Let's see what granny's left us downstairs."
"Don't talk like that." Carol said softly and turned her back on the corpse and Daryl chose not to argue based on the sound of her voice.
Instead he loosely draped his arm over her shoulder and nudged her body lightly with his.
"Let's go…"
He coaxed her into taking a step forward and that's all it took to make her abandon the memories for now. They sneaked back downstairs as quietly as they had come up – despite knowing that the house was empty – and started rummaging through the kitchen.
There wasn't much they could find that hadn't passed its use-by date, just a couple of energy bars, canned spaghetti and vegetables but they piled all of them into Carol's backpack as if they were their greatest treasure.
"How about that?" Daryl called suddenly and Carol turned away from the fridge, holding two water bottles she had just recovered.
"Some proper chocolate. Granny up there must've been a real kind lady."
Carol smiled a little pained, uncapped one of the bottles and kept her eyes on the floor while drinking.
"They ain't no good for us but perhaps Carl or the girls will like 'em."
He had spoken without another thought, had almost forgotten the graves he had noticed at the grove but got his suspicions unintentionally confirmed when her hand that had been handing him another water bottle began to shake so desperately that she splashed its contents all over the floor.
"Good idea," she didn't make eye contact, "I'll check out the bathroom for some bandages."
And he allowed her to go, giving her the space that she so desperately needed.
She tried walking towards it at a normal pace but she could barely breathe and had to make it there before he would witness her collapse. But the door of the bathroom was so rigid that she had to yank hard at it until it finally slammed closed behind her.
He would've heard it, no doubt. Might even come to investigate.
But that didn't matter for now, couldn't matter, when all she really needed to do was breathe first.
She sank down on the bathroom floor, knees drawn against her chest and her arms shielding her body from this invisible attack. Her chest hurt as only small breaths made it past her lips.
There wasn't a single coherent thought in her head, no image either.
Just fragments.
Too nice.
Pain.
Innocent.
Rick.
Rick.
The last one stuck.
With my children. I won't have you there.
"Everything alright?" a knock on the door and Carol jerked up.
Her chest was still heaving while she struggled to find her voice.
"I'm gonna come in."
She turned towards the cabinet to make it look as if she'd been searching for medicine but caught a glimpse of herself.
She wasn't alone.
Lizzie stood behind her, peering over her shoulder.
If you tell him, she whispered into her ear, he won't keep our secret and then I'll have to make him turn too. Just like Mika. He'll be our friend forever then.
Carol supressed a whimper and managed to yank the cabinet doors open at the same time as Daryl managed to open the door to the bathroom.
"Not much here," she commented in a trembling voice, "just some diuretics and vitamins. Oh good and some painkillers." She turned the bottle with shaky hands to check the label. "And they're still good. Perfect, that should help ease some of your pain."
Daryl remained in the doorway, observing her carefully but he knew that she was too anxious now to talk. So when she turned around with a brave smile he tried mirroring it as best as he could and took the tablets she'd offered to him.
"I found some more water…and coke. It's all in your backpack."
"Alright, you take that painkiller and then we'll be off."
He silently nodded and brushed her hand in passing.
A little while later they set off again, down the road that would lead them towards Billingwood. They walked in silence, each of them following their own trail of thought and continued to do so until the air turned cooler around them and darkness began to fall.
But the closer they came to Billingwood, the tenser their bodies grew. It was as if they had learned that reaching a destination nowadays didn't always go hand in hand with finding peace. As a matter of fact, more often than not, it came with a fight for safety.
And as it turned out, Billingwood wasn't an exception.
A hum in the air caught their attention first and told them that something wasn't right. With their weapons poised they crept closer, keeping as close to the ground as they possibly could.
The nearer they got, the more the hum intensified until they could finally see what had caused it. A large herd, bigger than the one they had previously encountered, staggered through the little suburb, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake.
They were drawn in by something, attracted by something powerful enough to hold their attention so long; a fire further ahead that was billowing black smoke into the evening sky.