Chapter 10: The Lies We Cling To

Renji woke sometime late at night to the sound of hushed voices on the walkway outside the bedrooms. He recognized Tetsuya's voice and heard one more muffled.

"What are you doing here?" Tetsuya asked softly, "How did you get past…?"

"Shh," the other hissed softly, "Don't ask questions. I had to see you. You looked unhappy when I saw you earlier. I couldn't sleep until I came and made you smile again, Tetsuya."

"Neither of us will be smiling if we are seen," answered Tetsuya.

He paused for a moment.

"Come, Arashi will take us somewhere private, but I warn you, I have resolved to obey the dictates of my clan leader, and he has made it clear that we are not to…"

"I understand," said the other, with a touch of amusement in his voice, "We shall keep it innocent, then…or…relatively innocent!"

"Tomio-san…"

Their voices fell away, and a few minutes later, Renji heard soft hoofbeats moving away from the manor.

I hope those two know what they're doing…

He sighed softly, his heart aching at the thought of the affection that the two had for each other, and he quickly came to the conclusion that, despite all they had working against them, he couldn't help but envy the beauty of the emotions between them. The two were both deserving of love, and they seemed perfect for each other, despite the intolerance of Tomio's clan.

"I wonder if I'll ever know what that kind of love feels like?" he whispered, tears coming to his eyes.

He felt stupid, crying so easily, and even though he knew that it was because of his pregnancy, still, he was a man and not used to being so emotional. He rubbed at his eyes and tried not to sniffle too loud, lest he should wake Koji. He tried to go back to sleep, but continued to be hounded by his fears that Byakuya would never learn to love him and would always hold him at arms length. It wasn't anyone's fault, he decided. No one was purposely doing anything to make it happen. Byakuya had been badly hurt and Renji decided that he really wanted to be the one to be able to help him move past it. But if the emotions between them weren't strong enough, he could very well end up in a dead end marriage with both of them being completely miserable.

What the hell am I gonna do? I don't have any idea…and maybe, for now, there isn't much I can do. Until the baby is born and he sees that not all things like that end in disaster, he's going to distance himself.

"Byakuya-sama, please come back inside," said Torio's weary voice, "You have had too much to drink…and it is cold, and you need to put on something warmer."

Damn it…he's a mess. And it's because I collapsed and scared the crap out of him. He thought that it was history repeating itself, that I was going to die and take this baby with me.

"Byakuya-sama…please…" pleaded Torio.

"Leave me," said the noble in a thick, senseless tone, "G-go back to bed, Torio."

"I'll not leave you alone like this, Byakuya-sama."

"I said, go back to bed. Leave me alone."

Renji let out a soft breath and climbed out of bed. He stepped out onto the wooden walkway and approached Byakuya quietly. Torio met his eyes hopefully, bowed and retreated into Byakuya's room. Renji sat down next to the noble and followed his gaze out across the rain-soaked grounds.

"You shouldn't be out in the cold," Byakuya said softly.

He raised his voice slightly.

"Torio…"

"Hai, Byakuya-sama."

"Bring a wrap for Renji. He is freezing right here in front of me."

"Hai, Byakuya-sama," Torio said, dashing away.

Byakuya stole a solemn glance at the redhead and his frown deepened.

"Why are you still awake?" he asked, "You should be getting more rest."

"Rest?" Renji said, smiling, "Taichou, I don't think I've done much but rest since we came back here. I'm bored out of my mind. I need to rest, sure…but I also need to do other things to keep my mind busy…like desk work."

"It is not seemly for the bearer of the heir to work, Renji."

"Yeah…I gathered that from the weird looks I got when I tried to leave for the division."

"And, in any case, you are not well enough to work. Your condition is taking a toll on you, more so than you seem to acknowledge. You might think about that, the next time you decide to place yourself under stress by ignoring the rules."

Renji gave him a look of annoyance.

"Would you quit doing that, Taichou?" he asked, an edge of tension in his voice, "treating me like I'm going to break any second? You know I'm not weak. You once practically emptied this body of blood and reiatsu, and I still got up and went on living. I am determined to keep on living. Just being pregnant isn't enough to kill me."

"And what about our child? Have you forgotten?"

"No," said the redhead, biting back the instant anger Byakuya's suggestion caused, "But this kid got half of his or her 'stuff' from me and half from you. And neither of us are weak."

Byakuya took a surprised breath as Renji's hand took his and the redhead brought the noble's hand to his abdomen.

"I promise you," he said quietly, "I will not do anything to endanger myself or this kid. You have my word. But I want yours, that you will not try to stuff me into some dusty corner in some misguided attempt to keep me 'safe.' The world isn't a safe place…and if I've learned anything from my life in the Rukongai, I've learned that you can't live your life worrying about what could happen. You take your mind out of the 'here and now' in Inuzuri and it might be the last thing you do."

"So what would you have me do?" Byakuya asked, closing his eyes, "Where is an acceptable place for you?"

Renji took the hand that was rested against his belly and stood, bringing the noble to his feet. Byakuya swayed slightly and stared at him questioningly as he turned them in the direction of the noble's room.

"Renji…"

"Shh," the redhead said, touching a finger to the drunk noble's lips.

Byakuya stared for a moment, as though trying to decide what to do, then loosed a sigh and allowed himself to be led back into his bedroom. He slid into bed as Torio and Koji came in through the door, carrying the requested wraps.

"Just put them over there," Byakuya said, indicating a table, "Then go to bed. As you can see, I am well attended."

"Hai," said the brothers together.

They set down the wraps, then left the room, closing the inner door, but leaving the garden doors open. Byakuya settled against the pillows and Renji hesitated for a moment, then quietly moved to join him. The redhead turned onto his side, facing the garden doors so that he could watch the rain fall as he drifted off. He wondered briefly what Byakuya was thinking, but dared not turn to look at his troubled fiancée. He could feel Byakuya's eyes looking at his back and he could feel the noble's warmth, even though they weren't touching.

"Good night Taichou," Renji said softly.

"You should stop calling me that," Byakuya said in a weary voice, "We are engaged…and we are at home. Just call me Byakuya."

"Byakuya? No honorific?"

"No. Just…Byakuya."

"Hai, Byakuya."

There was a long moment of silence as the two laid beside each other in bed, watching the rain fall outside the doors. Then Renji felt an unbidden smile rise on his lips as an arm curled around him and the noble's hand slipped beneath his yukata and came to rest on his bare abdomen. He knew better than to say a word, but just let himself drift off in Byakuya's arms, that sweet smile gracing his lips.

XXXXXXXXXX

Tetsuya stopped Arashi just above the waterfall and slid down off his back, then helped Tomio down and adjusted the cloak around the younger man's shoulders. He led Tomio down a small, almost invisible trail that brought them down the cliff face and to a cave hidden behind the falls. They moved inside and Tomio caught his breath as Tetsuya raised a kido light, revealing the inner cave.

The room was dominated by a natural hot spring that heated the air inside the cave, making it warm enough to remove their cloaks. Yukatas and towels hung on pegs that had been set in the rock wall.

"This is lovely," Tomio said softly, "Tetsuya-san…"

"Byakuya-sama and I discovered it in our earlier days and we used it as a secret retreat for those times when things got to be too much. No one knows about it but the two of us. I thought it would be a good place for us to talk."

Tomio smiled.

"I agree," he said, reaching for the tie at his waist, "but while we are here, we should enjoy the hot spring, ne?"

Tetsuya caught his breath and a blush rose on his face.

"T-tomio-san, I…don't know if we should…"

"Come now, it is not unacceptable to sit undressed in a hot spring with a friend."

"Well…no, I guess not," said the blue-eyed noble, trying not to watch as Tomio slipped out of his clothes.

It was even more difficult to avoid seeing his naked friend walk to the hot spring and step slowly down, then settle into the water. Tomio looked back at Tetsuya and smiled at him.

"Are going to come in?"

The blush on Tetsuya's face deepened and he turned away, trying desperately not to blush even more as Tomio's wide, green eyes remained fixed on him as he undressed. He shivered and bit his lip gently as he turned and forced himself to ignore the hard pounding of his heart and walk to the hot spring. He started to step down, but his foot slipped and he began to fall. Warm arms caught him, mid-tumble, and the next thing Tetsuya knew, his naked body was beneath the hot water, and pressed up against another, and Tomio's hot mouth had fastened on his. He stiffened at the first shock of kisses, then relaxed slightly as Tomio's tongue slipped into his mouth, relieving the two of the need to say anything. His arms wrapped around Tomio and their kissing deepened. Tetsuya shivered as the other man's hardness brushed against his. He broke away from Tomio's mouth, panting softly.

"T-tomio…I can't," he whispered, trying to pull away, "I mean, I…want to, but…I made a promise to B-byakuya-sama…"

He worried that the other young man would pull him in again, but Tomio only smiled and found Tetsuya's hand beneath the water.

"I am sorry if I offended you, Tetsuya-san," he said calmly, "but you fell and I caught you…and I was overtaken. You are very beautiful."

Tomio's smile faded as a look of torment flashed across Tetsuya's face, then quickly disappeared.

"What is it?" Tomio asked, "Has no one ever said you were beautiful?"

Tetsuya gazed into his eyes breathlessly, then shook his head slightly and broke eye contact.

"Well," Tomio went on, "Someone should have…and I will happily assume the honor of saying it first. You are beautiful, Kuchiki Tetsuya. I cannot help but want to touch such beauty and make it mine…"

He slipped a hand beneath the blue-eyed noble's chin, lifting it and then leaning forward to claim Tetsuya's trembling lips again.

"Tomio-san…we should not…"

He froze as the other young man's enchanting green eyes locked on his and Tomio's fingers lightly traced his lips.

"You know what this is, Tetsuya," he whispered, "We both do, even though we have never felt it before. And what we feel between us is worth fighting for. Whatever anyone says, we deserve to be happy…and we deserve to share that happiness with each other."

"Tomio!"

"Aishiteru yo."

"No, don't say that! You…"

"I love you, Tetsuya."

"But we've only just met…and I've promised Byakuya-sama…"

"Are you telling me that you don't feel the same?" asked Tomio, "Because if you don't, I won't trouble you again. I will leave and go back to my clan and not overstep these boundaries anymore. But I can feel that is not what you want. You may hide what is in your heart from others, Tetsuya, but the one who loves you can see through to your heart. Tell me, if you think I'm wrong."

Tetsuya held his breath, his mind spinning as he tried to find the words. Tomio's fingers touched his lips again and he kissed them without thinking. They brushed their lips together again and Tomio smiled.

"I must have missed your answer," he whispered, "Tell me what you are thinking, Kuchiki Tetsuya…"

"I am thinking that I've fallen in love with you," Tetsuya sighed, closing his eyes, "but I do not want to break my word to Byakuya-sama. And if we make love, then…"

"Shh," breathed Tomio, touching their lips lightly together, "I will not ask you to make love to me…yet. For tonight, we will seek simpler pleasures."

Tetsuya slid down on the rock incline in the hot spring until he was in up to his shoulders. Tomio turned and settled on top of him, looking down into Tetsuya's pretty, sapphire eyes.

"I have only recently lost my innocence, myself," Tomio said quietly, "but in doing so, I learned how to please my lover, whether we penetrate each other or not."

He closed his mouth over Tetsuya's and slid a hand down between them to wrap around their hungry lengths. Their hips moved slowly beneath the surface of the water, creating sweet friction between them, and making them moan softly into each other's mouths. Tomio broke away from his lips and nuzzled beneath his chin, gently nipping at the soft, pale flesh, then kissing his way down a collar bone and pausing to look down into the riled water. Tetsuya met his eyes warmly, then caught his breath in surprise as Tomio's head dipped beneath the surface of the water to address the stunned noble's swollen arousal. He gasped and trembled softly as he felt firm suction, then the swish of his lover's soft tongue in just the right place to force a louder moan from his lips. He felt firm pressure at the base of his erection, holding off completion as Tomio's manipulations continued. He had lost the ability to maintain his silence, and the cave was filled with the whispered echoes of his moans and hissing breaths. He had just reached the point of wondering how long the other shinigami could hold his breath like that, when Tomio's mouth released him and he surfaced, still holding Tetsuya's member tightly with one hand and bringing his wet mouth to the entranced noble's again. He smiled against Tomio's lips, enjoying the taste of himself mixed with the sweetness of his lover's mouth. Tomio paused and looked down into his eyes.

"I want to see it," he whispered, "I want to see your face when it happens between us for the first time."

He kissed Tetsuya harder and stroked him beneath the water, devouring the lovely sounds he made and holding their bodies close together as he shivered with pleasure and thrust mindlessly into Tomio's stroking hand. Dizziness swept over him and he felt as though he had begun to fall from a great height. He heard cries of pleasure rise up inside the cave and then realized that the sounds were coming from him.

And he couldn't control them anymore.

"That's right," whispered Tomio, gazing into his fevered eyes, "This is what it is to surrender to your lover, Tetsuya. Trust me. Look into my eyes and let yourself go."

Tetsuya felt breathlessness overtake him. His eyes remained open, but lost their ability to see as pleasure gripped his body tightly and sent him careening into release.

"You are amazing like this, Tetsuya!" Tomio whispered into his barely hearing ear, "More lovely than all the stars in the nighttime sky…"

"I…I think that…stars are all that I can…see now," panted Tetsuya, smiling at how tightly he was holding onto Tomio, and how tightly he was being held.

They rested comfortably against each other, watching drops of water fall from the sweating rocks over head.

"I thought that you said that we were going to keep things innocent?" queried Tetsuya.

Tomio laughed softly.

"You are still a virgin, ne?" said, kissing Tetsuya's flushed lips and brushing the hair out of his eyes.

"Yes," Tetsuya said, blushing, "but I don't feel so much like one."

He turned in Tomio's arms.

"And," he went on, "I think I will feel less like one after I return the favor."

Tomio's sweet smile widened as Tetsuya slid down beneath the water.

"I love you, Kuchiki Tetsuya…" he moaned softly as his lover's mouth wrapped around him and made everything around him disappear.