The Woods Are Dark and Deep

by Blue Jeans

Chapter 10

It did not help that the next day was when Kazama caught up with us. I had, up to that day, imagined a million ways concerning how he would have looked and what he would have said when we reunited. I tried to also imagine my own reaction to him, and until then, it had always ended with both of us smiling, no matter how embarrassing my imagination got.

But after what Kaoru had revealed to me by the river, I doubt I could ever smile again.

He simply appeared in the late morning, while Sen and I were helping Amagiri and Kimigiku dispose of the dead fury's bodies. No one was in a good mood, though both Amagiri and Kimigiku worked tireless to clear the bodies. Sen and I had slept, though not very much and not very well the night before. I had exhausted myself with tears and our guardians found the two of us leaning against each other by the river with our eyes closed.

They had kindly left us in peace until the sun broke over the river. Then, Kimigiku had come over again and gently shook us awake.

Sen's head wound had disappeared completely by then, though I was sure she was still a little tender in that general area where Kaoru had struck her. We helped with what we could, making a large fire and clearing the camp. We brought water for Amagiri and Kimigiku, and gathered more wood to make the fire hotter and fiercer whenever it began to die down a little.

There were a lot of bodies to burn. We didn't want to risk anyone uncovering any graves either. I would have been impressed that neither of them seemed harmed, though Kimigiku claimed that Amagiri did most of the work. After all, her forte had always been spying and information gathering, not fighting furies. Confrontations were just not a skill she excelled in.

In a way, that made what Amagiri did even more impressive, but I had already known about that when he had single-handedly dealt with my father's fury army in the past.

It must have been difficult, but he didn't even show strain as he heaved body after body into neat piles to be thrown to the flames. Soon the smell of charred flesh wafted over the clearing, even though we all stood upwind of it. Still, I had enough of the smell to never want to eat meat again.

That was the state Kazama found us in when he stepped out of the woods. He must have had to take the long way, circling to reach us in order for him to avoid the smell of burning flesh as well. The four of us were standing gravely and silently upwind of the large bonfire, every once in a while, one of us would move to throw in a body or some large pieces of wood. I don't know what he saw on my soot covered face but his eyes landed on me first. The expression on his face gradually relaxed though, as if he had held himself tight with concern for my safety until he saw that I was alright in the flesh.

In a way, I had been his responsibility since he had found me trying to get to Yodo Castle to meet up with the Shinsengumi. While his feelings had grown for me, in a way the responsibility he must have felt towards me must have remained unchanging between us. Even now he was looking out for me.

I had not realized what he had meant when he had told me about my lineage all those years ago. At the time I had only been an excuse for him to use to pursue the Shinsengumi, but in his own way he was warning me of the things I did not know. He was showing me my ignorance in the small moments whenever we found each other.

Yet, at that time, all I had been able to focus on was his ruthlessness and his arrogance.

Now, looking at him, I felt both pain and pleasure. I felt the slow rising panic inside me loosening its grip because I had come to instinctively rely on his strength. Seeing him there, looking into his eyes, there was no doubt of the power he exuded. The arrogance that had made me dislike him from the start soothed me now. The sureness he always had about him, concerning what was right and what was wrong, concerning who he was and his place in the world, it had become a rock I could lean on when I was most uncertain about myself and my own decisions.

But the pain was there too.

The pain came from knowing that despite what he had promised me that cool Spring day in Ezo, it was a promise I could not force him to keep. I had always known what he had wanted from the start. No, it was not just what he wanted but what his duty as the head of the Kazama clan demanded of him. As one of the last two Yukimuras, that duty meant a lot to me too. I knew that in me, before Kaoru and Edo and the furies, I had represented all that he had desired and, in some ways, I had surprised him by offering him things that he had not expected.

We had been perfect for each other that day, underneath the sky when he had held my gaze and gave me a future I could never have dreamed of possible. In his eyes everything that I had lost could, in its own way, be found again. The thing I most wanted from him was a family, and he could so easily have given that to me. I had lost it time and again, already, once with my father and again with the Shinsengumi. Yet, with Kazama I could regain it all and know that he was strong enough not to be lost to me. This time, there was no doubt I could keep him. Life would not so easily take from me again someone I could come to love, someone I was already beginning to care for.

Yet, in that moment, I had forgotten about how weak I had always been.

It was always me who was not strong enough.

When my father left, I could not protect him and it was him who was trying to protect me. With the Shinsengumi, it was I who had lost my way and who always failed to reach them in time. I was the one who was not in Aizu when Saito was shot down. I was the one who failed to get to Ezo in time to stay by Hijikata's side as he watched his friends and the Shinsengumi fall apart, one-by-one. I was not there when Kondou was executed for following his dreams, nor was I able to help Okita as the tuberculosis rendered him useless and signed his death warrant while his friends fought without him.

I couldn't even stop Sanan from his research or even prevent Heisuke from becoming one himself. Some days I still remembered how Heisuke looked with his eyes so haunted by still being alive.

Now, it was I who was not strong enough to stop Kaoru. Not only was I not able to prevent him from creating more furies, but I had not been strong enough to prevent him from corrupting me. Now, I was the one responsible for crushing Kazama's dream - not just my own.

I wanted to cry again, but there had already been enough tears shed for things that were already out of my grasp. Even though I could not find happiness now, I could still make a difference. Even before Kazama had shown himself before us, I had made my decision concerning Kaoru.

Still, my voice was breathless when I said his name. Still my heart skipped a beat when he gave me that lazy smile of his that used to lack the gentleness I saw now. I had never known he was capable of it until Ezo, but all too soon we had to part ways.

Now, I tried to burn this memory into me, so that even without him I could hold on to this small cherished thing that I could never call my own.

"Chizuru," he replied, much to the amazement of everyone there except Sen, who was also a little surprised despite what she knew about our kiss. It was true. Even I had not told anyone that we were on a first name basis. "You survived."

I felt my mouth twitch, but even I knew as I watched his eyes darken at my expression that there was no humor in my response. I could not hide how I felt from Kazama. It was hard enough to look him in the eyes and not cry.

"Yes," I said, unable to keep the brittleness out of my voice. This time, I was sure that it was I who caused the surprise on the faces of those around us. "I survived."

We were no longer strangers since Ezo, but after last night I could never be more than one. I would never again be able to touch his warm skin or feel his lips on mine. I could not hide the truth from him because he deserved so much more. He deserved more than the hatred and the darkness that colored my world, more than the demons that haunted my family and the sins that stained our hands... my hands.

He deserved more than me.

Yet, even still, at that moment, I could not utter a single word to shatter the future that had kept me strong in his absence. All I wanted was to feel his hands on my shoulders again, keeping me upright and making me feel safe. All I wanted was just one more chance.

But all that I had ever wished for had always been just a little too much.

To be continued...