Chapter 10: Harrisburg&BrokenPieces
*Skylar Jones*
"Some of our spies have led us to a rebel unit holding up in Harrisburg. There's been talk that they plan to make their way here to assassinate General Monroe and Matheson" Neville talked calmly, his voice steady and firm as he looked us over. "We are to head there and dispose of these rebels as quickly and quietly as possible"
"I will only be requiring a small team go in. Monroe wants this done without the knowledge of Harrisburg's citizens"
Neville scanned over our faces in silence for a moment, then landed his eyes on Carter.
"Monroe" he called, "you'll be running point"
"Shouldn't that be your job...sir"
"I will not be going on this little mission" he replied, "there are other important things that need doing"
"And my team, sir"
"Jason, Fry, Jimmy boy and Ms. Jones"
"Your father would like to meet with us to go over the details now" Neville smirked, "the rest of you are dismissed"
I looked wearily up at Carter. He looked slightly confused but also angry about all this. He caught my eye and just nodded, "I'll meet you back at the barracks"
I nodded and headed back with Jimmy...I kept glancing back nervously and he was watching us walk away.
"Come on, Skylar" Jimmy pulled me to walk faster, "he'll be fine"
Jimmy waited with me in our room...we were silent. I was too worried about Carter being alone with his father again and Jimmy could see it on my face. I shot up straight when Carter came back...he was quiet and slowly sat on the edge of his bed, running his hands over his face before looking at me and Jimmy.
"We leave first thing tomorrow"
Jimmy nodded, lightly patting me on the back of my shoulder before walking out of the room. I never took my eye from Carter, trying to read his face as he stared back at me.
"You okay"
"Yeah"
"I don't believe you"
"Why not"
"Because you're trying too hard to hide it"
"I didn't know that was possible"
I got up and sat next to him, turning my head as he turned his to glance at me.
"Are you ever going to tell me what happened that could make your father send you to Somerville"
"No"
"Don't you trust me?"
"It has nothing to do with trust" his eyes went cold and he clenched his jaw as if to hold back something he was about to tell me.
"Carter"
"Skylar"
"Is it really that bad"
"Worse"
"And why can't you tell me?"
"I don't want you to think badly of me" he whispered, darting his eyes away from mine and down to his hands.
"I won't"
"You will" he closed his eyes tight, his expression a painful grimace as he remembered whatever it was that he did.
"You just have to trust me on that"
"Okay" I placed my hand on top of his and gripped them for a second before pulling my hand back, "So what about this mission?"
"I'll explain later...i'm tired"
"We have patrol after lunch"
"Wake me ten minutes before we have to leave?"
"Yeah sure"
I got up from his bed and settled into my own. I watched him crawl beneath his blanket, his back to me and soon enough I could hear his snores. I thought about the other night...how he had kissed me and barely even remembered it. Was I supposed to just pretend like it didn't mean anything?
He was drunk sure but it certainly felt real enough...the way his lips collided with mine...how his hands caressed my cheeks...
Was I supposed to just go on like there was nothing between us?
Because honestly I now couldn't be sure what we were. But I can't bring myself to shift and separate all these feelings, there was too much going on now with the mission and everything Carter was trying to help me remember. Now understanding why he was helping me remember in the first place.
But I couldn't deal with this now.
I didn't have room for a relationship, not in this life.
Then there was Marcus. Who I sort of promised to wait for...But when we parted, the feeling in my gut told me i'd never see him again.
And I still believe that.
I sat and stared at the wall for the next hour and a half. Trying to remember a time when things weren't so screwed to hell. Where the only things I had to worry about were avoiding Chris O'Leary's hands when ever they tried to find their way to my hips or getting an earful from my father when I didn't finish my chores. I looked again at Carter and rose to wake him up for patrol.
"Carter," I gripped his shoulder and shook him, "get your ass out of bed"
"You know," he mumbled turning over and pushing himself up, "There are a lot nicer ways to wake a guy up"
"Yeah well I don't know any" I replied and smacked him lightly on the cheek. "So get your ass up for patrol"
We headed out into the cold Philly air and walked down the street towards the south gate. When we got there Jimmy was already settled in against the fence and waiting for us.
"You two are late"
"Only twenty minutes, PL"
"Yeah well you aren't the one who got an ear full from Captain Ass Hat when I got here to relieve them"
"Sorry"
"Yeah buy me a drink later and I might forgive you" he smirked wickedly.
"It's a deal"
"Hey" Jimmy said quietly and rose from his spot to come over to us. He got close, his eyes darting around as if he expected someone to be listening in.
"Just spit it out PL" Carter rolled his eyes at me, expecting it to be some nonsense.
"Listen i'm not so sure about this mission"
"What do you mean?" I asked, glancing to see Carter's reaction but he almost seemed amused by Jimmy's comment.
"I mean, it doesn't really make sense for them to be sending us out on a mission does it?" he replied, rubbing his hands together nervously and glancing around again.
"So? What's wrong with that?" Carter shrugged, "It's perfectly normal"
"I mean we're fresh off the farm? Yet they're trusting us with a mission to take out supposed rebel forces?" his voice was almost squeaky as he tried to keep it amongst our small circle despite our locations remote isolation from the rest of the city...and people...
"Carter..."
"Ah don't tell me you're listening to him?" Carter shook his head at me and rolled his eyes.
"Well...he has a point"
"Thank you, Skylar" Jimmy smugly looked at Carter.
"I swear to god PL, if you start talking conspiracy theories-"
"Well what if these so called rebels are what's left over of the U.S Government and Monroe is killing them-"
"Jimmy don't say another word to me" Carter held up his hand, glaring at him sternly, "If they heard you talking like this they'd flog you. Maybe even kill you"
"Well you aren't going to report me are you"
Carter glanced at me for a split second before looking back at Jimmy, "No PL, i'm not"
"Okay go-"
"Only if you promise you'll stop talking about this" Carter interrupted, "I can't protect you if you get in trouble for it. It's treason"
"Fine but-"
"No, Jimmy...No buts, no nothing"
Jimmy closed his gapping mouth then walked back to his spot by the fence and settled in again.
I looked back at Carter, watching him intently. "Was that necessary?"
"I'm serious, Skylar"
"He has-"
"No, don't you start on this" he shook his head, "My father isn't a forgiving man, Skylar. He sees what he wants to see, and if you and Jimmy go around questioning things..."
He paused for a moment and looked up, staring down the road just beyond the fence.
"The repercussions will be...cataclysmic"
"I don't even know what that means"
"Just don't ever mention it again" he sighed and glanced back at me in concern. "Promise?"
"Promise" I gave a small smile and nod. "So" I smiled even wider, "cataclysmic?"
"What?" he shrugged, "I read"
"Just interesting word choice is all"
"Why?"
"I never pegged you as the reading type"
"Yeah well, there's a lot you don't know about me, Jones"
"Care to share"
"How much time we got"
"Couple hours" I answered, still smiling.
"All right...but you first"
I slightly raised my eyebrows at him and shrugged, "Okay i'll play"
"Make it good Jones" he smirked.
We told each other as much things about ourselves as humanly possible.
Favorite color.
His is blue, mine is green.
Favorite book.
His is The Hobbit, mine is The Hunger Games.
Favorite weapon.
Carter's is his nine mil, mine was my bow...but I was starting to get use to having a gun strapped at my side. We talked for the whole patrol duty...but not once did he mention the one thing I wanted to know about him. But I didn't try and bring it up...I had hoped he was eventually going to tell me, but it must be too painful for him whatever it was...
Carter woke me early the next morning, before even the sun had risen in the sky. Not that it mattered as I squinted up I could see no stars. A dark, thick head of clouds rolling over and threatening to bring yet more snow. We didn't wear our uniforms but had thrown on street clothes. Carter in jeans and a long, white cotton shirt a large navy jacket but kept on his black militia boots. I wore similar clothes since there wasn't much to chose from. A grey long sleeved shirt, a pair of dark washed skinny jeans, and brown leather boots.
We had to look as inconspicuous as possible on this mission which meant none of our usual large guns, but our smaller, more concealable ones. Carter stuck his in the back of his pants and covered the bulge with the tan jacket. I followed his lead and did the same, pulling on a black pea coat. We met with Jimmy, Jason and Fry at the stables to grab our horses. We were to leave through the west gate, the guards there knew we were coming and were to let us out without a word or inspection. Though I had known the others from training camp, I didn't know Jason despite already having been here almost four weeks now. He was quiet, and had that military look about him despite his age of only sixteen. He almost seemed older because of it. His face set in a hard stone like expression, he was about as tall as Carter and almost as muscular too. He had short, curly dark hair, and his skin much lighter than his fathers. And I couldn't even imagine what having Captain Neville as a father must be like. No wonder Jason's so quiet.
Carter took lead as we headed out for Harrisburg. It was dark, cold and I could feel the wind picking up. I looked to the dark sky, a storm was definitely coming now and we'd be caught in it. But Carter wasn't stupid, I could see he noticed too as I caught his eyes watching the clouds. The sun was rising somewhere behind those dark clouds now but it didn't do much for us but make our little parade move slightly faster along the trail of the woods. I pulled my horse up beside Carter's and threw him a worried glance.
"I know, but we have to keep riding" he said, automatically knowing I was worried about the storm.
"We'll be fine" he added when my worried glance was still holding firm. He smiled to reassure me, but the looming darkness above our heads countered it.
"I just hope it's not as bad as it looks" I told him, turning my eyes away from the sky and back on him again.
"Probably worse then it looks"
"Well that's very reassuring!" Jimmy called from behind us. I turned in my saddle and smiled back at him.
"Well let's hope it holds off until tonight," Carter turned to talk to all of us now. "We need to ride as much as we can before it gets dark"
With the road ahead of us more like a thick blanket of mud, Carter didn't want to push the horses too fast, afraid one would get injured and we'd have to shoot it to put it out of it's misery. Just making our journey longer than is necessary. In the late afternoon it started to snow, then by early evening it was practically a blizzard and we raced to find shelter. We came upon an abandoned farm, using a large, dulled red barn as our shelter. We tied the horses to posts since there were no stalls. Jason and Fry left in search of dry wood in the other small shed, and the house just to the left of the barn. When they got back with arms full of pieces of anything they could grab; legs of chairs, bed posts, broken drawers from dressers and cabinets. Carter got a fire going, sweeping away old dust and hay that lingered on the hard, cold stone floor. We all sat around it in silence as it illuminated a warm heat. Since half of us didn't really know each other, we sort of just stared at our own feet. None of us really wanting to strike up a conversation.
"We should get some sleep" Carter finally said after a long moment of the dead silence. He moved, leaning back against one of the wooden support beams of the barn that was close to the fire and shut his eyes. Jason pulled his pack from his horse and used it like a pillow, settling as close to the fire as any one of us would dare to. Fry did the same, lying opposite the fire of Jason and they fell asleep quickly. Or at least it seemed like they had. Jimmy settled against a wall, having packed a thin blanket with a bed roll. He stayed farthest from the fire for some reason and I didn't ask why. I didn't feel tired so I continued to sit at my spot by the fire, just diagonal to Carter. I kept the fire going late into the night, so the others could stay warm. I guess it hadn't even occurred to Carter to set up a watch rotation just in case. So I guess I just sort of took that over. I was holding one of the broken chair legs, poking at the crisp ashes beneath the fresh wood. Sparks flew high, some even popped sideways and landed on my body but they went out in a tiny flash. Like they had never landed on me in the first place. I listened to the horses as they shifted back and forth on their hooves, the clacking was small and light from their hooves but it was almost rhythmic as they shifted their weight from one side to the other. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up just as Carter was sitting down beside me.
"Hey"
"Hi"
"You didn't have to stay up, you know?" he whispered, his hand still gripping my shoulder. I turned and smiled, "I wasn't tired"
"You should try, we have a long ride ahead of us tomorrow"
His eyes were almost pleading with me, "Go on, I'll stay up"
"You sure?"
"Positive"
"Do you mind?" I asked gesturing to his shoulder. He smiled and nodded, "Go ahead"
"Thanks" I rested my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes tight as his hand slid across my back and down my side. He pulled me in close as I wrapped my arms around my knees, tucking them into my body and leaning against his.
"Goodnight, Jones"
"Night"
We made it in another three days, the snow having slowed us down a great deal. But finally we made it into Harrisburg. We were exhausted. Carter decided it would be better to wait till tomorrow before going on with the mission. We needed to be well rested and focused if we were going to see this through. Harrisburg was like a small version of Philly, only a lot less militia soldiers. There were maybe only two units in the area, small, made up of only ten or fifteen men. Our presence didn't startle them, they didn't seem to care as we made our way down the streets, emptied and desolate from the storm. Carter led us to a small Inn, a small boy of maybe nine and a girl of about twelve took our horses for us. I stared at the little girl...her hair an ashy blonde...Her face worn and tired...
"Skylar"
I whipped my head around and they were all staring at me. I ignored their scrutinizing stares and Carter's worried expression and brushed past them. They followed right behind as we headed inside the small building. We got three rooms, Jason and Fry sharing one, Jimmy and Carter sharing the other and one for myself.
My room was small and cold...The silence as I curled up in bed was unsettling. I was so used to hearing Carter's snores that now without them I felt uncomfortable in the empty room. I got out of bed, shuffling across the cold floor in nothing but my underwear and my grey shirt which hung just an inch above my mid thigh. I opened the door to my room quietly and looked out into the hall just in time to see Carter leaving his own room. I shuffled out and closed the door. The sound of it made him turn around and he stared at me blankly for a moment.
"Couldn't sleep either?" I finally broke the silence.
"Yeah" he smiled gently. "Jimmy snores so loudly I couldn't even think let alone fall asleep"
I had to stifle a laugh at the irony and he just gazed back, his head doing that slight curious tilt as he looked me over.
"Want some company then?" I asked hesitantly and nodded to my room.
"Yeah...yeah sure" he answered. He looked nervous as he walked towards me, I had been so focused on the way he anxiously twisted his fingers with the hem of his shirt that I hadn't realized he was right in front of me till his hand shifted from his shirt to the door knob.
There was that curious tilt again, "You okay?"
"Yeah" I smiled up at him and my hand found it's way to his as he pushed open the door and pulled me in after him. I softly closed it behind me and we just stood in the dark for a moment, my hand still clasped in his. I could feel my heart pounding as he suddenly started to move closer.
"I need to tell you something"
"All right" I whispered, biting my lip back as he was only inches from me.
"Back in Philly...that night I was drunk and I..."
"Kissed me"
"Yeah" he nodded, his voice wavering. "I need you to know...that even though I was really drunk..."
"Really drunk" I emphasized, my eyes moving over the dark outline of his lips. I held my breath when a hurt expression swept over him. I knew what was coming.
And I wanted him to say it.
"I wish I hadn't been drunk when I did it because...I meant it" he whispered. "I had wanted to do that for so long and I hate myself that I only got the courage to do so under the influence"
I could feel the tension in his fingers as he waited for me to reply. I let it linger for a moment, trying to hold back a unexpected smile as I stared up at him in the darkness. His face unreadable and his eyes too hidden by shadow to reveal anything.
"Well it's about time" I whispered then threw my arms around his neck and eased my mouth over his in one swift motion. His hands went straight to my hips, his fingers gripping at the hem of my tee before drifting underneath and over my back. His breath was a welcoming warmth, and there was a sweetness about how he tasted that I couldn't quite place. Our noses had bumped, forcing me to tilt my head to the side as we only parted for a second to catch our breath. My fingers glided up over the back of his neck and through his hair, my fingers dragging, trying to get a hold of him but couldn't quite find something good to hold onto. We stumbled back against the wall, his body pressing firmly against mine as our lips continued to push and pull with each others. Our hands still trying to find somewhere to hold on. With Carter's hips pressed right into mine, his hands started to drift downward. His fingers spreading out, gripping me just on the side...just beneath the thin waistband of my underwear...His fingers dug into my bare skin and I bit his upper lip by accident from the sudden touch. We stopped for a moment, his fingers still gripping me and mine still in his hair. His eyes were staring straight back into mine, our breathing heavy and twisting. He pressed his forehead to mine suddenly and closed his eyes. But I kept my eyes open, peering at the contours of his worn face in the darkness. My hands slid back around, landing over his chest before I reached up my right hand. I ran my fingers lightly across his cheek, then down over his lips which were soft against the tips of my fingers.
"I want you"
"I'm damaged goods"
"Then i'll take every broken piece" I whispered as he opened his eyes to look back at me. I smiled at him, hopefully he could see it. "And glue you back together"
His lips found their way back over mine softly. I gripped his shirt tightly, pulling away from him only to draw him towards the bed. We collapsed onto it with our arms around each other and our bodies pressed so tightly we had to tilt our heads back a little just so we could kiss.
Screw the mission.
Screw the militia.
Screw everything.
I didn't want to ever leave this bed.
But as his hand gripped my shirt again, about to pull it up, I suddenly became terrified. So I threw my hand down and stopped him.
"Are you okay?" he asked, pulling away so he could look down at me. His hand glided over my cheek, his thumb gently stroking back and forth. I loved when he did that.
"I...I uh..."
"Skylar" he smiled and sat up, pulling me with him and into his arms again. "We don't have to" he whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek.
"I'm sorry" I croaked out. I wanted to cry from embarrassment. I could feel the tears building in my eyes and I tried to blink them away. Carter's thumb continued to stroke my cheek as he tried to reassure me.
"Skylar you have nothing to be sorry about"
"But...but isn't that what you wanted?"
He suddenly ripped his hand away from my cheek. "How could you even..."
He didn't finish. I could barely see but I could easily tell, not only that but the anger and hurt was in his voice as he glared back at me.
"Skylar this wasn't about trying to get with you"
"I'm sorry-"
"Don't be sorry" he scolded.
"I've just never...I haven't felt..." I could barely think let alone get anything to come out as I started to sob.
Why did I have to cry?
Why did I have to cry in front of him?
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so harsh"
I buried my face into his shirt, gripping the loose fabric where it buttoned down over his chest. I closed my eyes tight as he wrapped his arms around me again and pulled me into his lap. He leaned back against the head board of the bed with me cradled in his arms. He leaned forward sightly, I could feel his arm as it reached out to grab something and soon enough I felt the thick quilt cover both of us.
"Hey, it's all right...go on and sleep" he whispered soothingly, his lips brushing my forehead as I clung tighter to him.
I could already feel myself drifting off.
I guess I was more exhausted than I thought.
He whispered something in my ear.
What was it?
I missed it.
My mind was already drifting away.