a/n:

Hey! Thank you to YAZMIN V and sharpie78 for continuing to review. The fact that you take the time to let me know that you're interested in the story is quite encouraging.

There was some confusion as to why Damon reacted so coldly to Elena in the last chapter. Its important to remember that this is entirely Elena's POV, so we have gotten a very filtered view of Damon so far. There is much more to him then what Elena sees. Rest assured, he is the same Damon we all love, and this chapter will explain his motivation for reacting the way he did.

Read and review! Thank you so much.

xo

Trigger warning: anxiety and self-harm

More than a week had passed since I had seen Damon. More than a week of ignored calls and unanswered texts. I had even gone to the boarding house to speak with him, only to be answered by Stefan telling me that Damon didn't want to see me. I wasn't sure if it was because Damon finally realized how messed up I was, and didn't want anything to do with me. I didn't know if my pressing questions about Alaric's wife made him think I was nagging and judgmental. Whatever the reason, Damon wasn't speaking to me, and I was at a loss.

Bonnie and Caroline hung out with me at school, and even came over afterwards with me a few times. I told them that it didn't work out with Damon, and I didn't want to talk about it, so they didn't push the subject.

I was just as empty as I had been for months, not feeling anything, as much as I wanted to. I hated that I was so weak. I was cutting more than ever. Having run out of space on my arms, I had moved on to my legs. Red lines marking up my thighs like some sort of scabbed barcode. I didn't understand why I was unable to control the urges. I wanted to be normal, but I never would be.

At school, I avoided Mr. Saltzman in every way possible. I didn't want to talk to him, and now that Damon had walked out on me, Alaric had no reason to worry about my associating with vampires. I would arrive in his classroom right as class began, and rush out as soon as it ended.

When I think about it, maybe I shouldn't have been surprised at the way Damon had responded. I didn't really know him. I had known him for a few days, and for all I know, the compassionate and gentle Damon I had interacted with wasn't his true self. I had no idea. I tried not to let him get to me, but Damon invaded my every thought. Part of me wished I had never met him, and that I had never found out that vampires existed. The other part of me relished in the idea that being with Damon made me feel more alive than I had in months.

As I walked to my car from school on Friday, bracing for yet another panic attack to come and strangle me, I was surprised to see a male figure leaning against my truck. As I got closer, I realized it was Alaric Saltzman.

"Hi, Elena." He said when I reached him.

"Can I help you?" I was seething, mainly because I blamed him for driving a wedge between Damon and me.

"Please, just hear me out." He raised up his hands, as if he were trying to show he wasn't a threat to me. "I realize that my showing up at your house in the middle of the night and calling you stupid was incredibly rude, and borderline creepy. That was not my intention." He looked like he was pleading for forgiveness or something.

"What was your intention then, if not to impose your opinions on me?" I said, with every bit of sass I could muster.

"I just know what kind of monsters vampires are, Elena. I didn't want to see you get hurt. Damon Salvatore is a killer, and I didn't want you to get hurt." HIs voice seemed sincere.

"I don't presume to know what Damon used to be like. He did not lie to me about his past." I paused, trying to cool my tone. "I'm really sorry about your wife, I truly am, but I'm not in this anymore. Damon told me that I wasn't safe, and I haven't heard from him in over a week. You don't need to worry about me."

"Nevertheless, I apologize for my behavior. Though I can't say I'm sorry that it didn't work out between you two." He began to walk away, toward his own vehicle.

"Thanks for the apology. I will see you Monday, Mr. Saltzman." I approached the driver's door of my truck.

"Elena?" He called to me. "Call me Ric."

I nodded, gave an emotionless smile, and hopped into my truck. As usual, the water creeped around me, and I was drowning once again. I fought it with everything I could, but my lungs filled. I was gasping for breath, and my thoughts were scattered. I was alone here, and I was going to die here. Images of my mother, my father, Jeremy, Caroline, Matt, and Bonnie flashed in my mind. My loved ones, now lost to me forever.

My eyes flashed open, and I realized that it wasn't real, just another anxiety attack. I struggled against the tightness in my chest, the constriction of my lungs. I battled my thoughts, forcing myself to focus on reality. I was here, at my school, and there was no water in sight. Painfully slow, my breathing started to regulate, and my body began to relax. These panic episodes were a part of me now, but I hated them with every fiber of my being. They had taken over me, killed me numerous times, and I despised them.

It was only when I arrived at the boarding house that I realized I hadn't driven myself home. I didn't plan on coming here, and didn't remember deciding to try and talk to Damon again. Everything in me wanted to see him. Part of me was kicking myself for being so in love with him after such a small amount of interaction, but I couldn't deny how I felt.

I sauntered up the steps, and entered without knocking. I wasn't going to let Stefan turn me away this time. They were vampires, so I knew they could already hear me. I marched through the main part of the house, and went straight to Damon's bedroom. Of course, I remembered exactly where it was. I barged in, acting as tough as I could manage, and didn't see him. looking around, I went back out into the hall. Walking back to the common area, I noticed a fire was blazing in the fireplace, so I knew someone had to be home.

"Elena?" I heard from directly behind me.

No footsteps had alerted me to his presence, and I gasped as I whirled around, stumbling right into his solid torso. My face dangerously close to him, he steadied me by my elbows and stepped back.

"What are you doing here?" His familiar blue eyes held a look of pain, but his voice sounded relieved.

"I needed to see you." I held his gaze.

"Elena, I told you, it isn't safe. I'm not safe." His jaw was ridgid. "I can't be selfish with you. I'm not right for you, as much as I want you." His lips pursed, and he looked like he was battling something in his head.

"You don't get to make my choices for me, Damon. I choose to be with you. I've considered the risks, and I decided that they're worth it. You're worth it." I said gently, as ever-present tears pricked my eyes.

"You don't know the real me, Elena. I'm selfish, and rude, and I don't take other people's lives or feelings into consideration. Except you." He said cooly, trying to distance himself again.

"You aren't going to scare me away. I think that the way you are with me is the real you. I may not know every side of you, but the person I met was real. There is no way that the selfish person you just described to me is the real you, because you can't fake the amount of compassion you have shown me." I reached out to touch him, but he pulled further away from me.

"I can't, Elena. I can't bear to see you hurt anymore, and I am even more disgusted by the thought of causing you more pain myself." He started to back away. "You should go."

I stomped my foot and the tears sprang forth unhindered. "Stop it, Damon! You don't get to decide this for me, as some ridiculous attempt to protect me. You don't get to swoop in and sweep me of my feet, and show me impossible sunsets, and do all of these things, and then just walk out on me, and not speak to me for a week." I quieted my voice. "You need to let me decide for myself what I can and cannot handle."

Damon dropped his head, then. When he raised it, he had tears in his own eyes. "I'm sorry, Elena. I want to be with you. I Just don't deserve you. I can't justify this. I killed your teacher's wife. I've killed hundreds of innocent people. I just need some time to think about this." He stepped forward, and kissed me on the forehead, tears falling down his face.

"Fine, Damon. Take all the time you want. You're not going to scare me away, and you need to realize that I am capable of deciding things for myself." I turned and headed for the door, slamming it behind me.

Inside my truck, I sobbed. I wanted Damon to tell me that he didn't like me, that he wasn't interested in me. I didn't want him to tell me that he wanted me too much. After a while, I drove myself home, exhausted from crying once again. Damon was wrong, it was me that didn't deserve him, not the other way around.

Who knows? Maybe after Damon thought about it for a little while, he would change his mind. If it really was about him being to "bad" for me, maybe he would realize that it just wasn't true. He could realize that he was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time.

I went inside, not ready for what I saw. Jeremy and Vicki, half-naked in the middle of the foyer.

"God, Jeremy, at least go upstairs." I scoffed at him. Jealous that he had someone to hold on to.

"Sorry, Elena. Didn't know you were coming home." Jeremy looked at me, and saw my puffy eyes and streaked makeup. "Have you been crying? Are you okay?" He said with tenderness.

"I'm fine, Jer, thanks for asking. Really, I'm just exhausted." I said, not wanting him to question me further or ask about Damon. If he did, I might start crying again.

Jeremy hugged me, despite the awkwardness of him shirtless and with Vicki standing there with an unbuttoned shirt. I missed this Jeremy, the one who was sweet and sober. He squeezed me tightly, and I tried to remember all the times before, when things were simple. When I was just a cheerleader and he was just an awkward young teenager, worrying about relationships and school. I longed to go back to that more than anything else.

I didn't know what Damon was going to decide, but I was going to try to give him some space to figure it out. He said he didn't want to be selfish with me. I wished that he would. No matter what Damon thought about himself, I knew that he wasn't a monster. He thought that he was going to corrupt me or something? I was lost. My thoughts racing, scrambling, and overwhelming me. I just wanted Damon, and I couldn't comprehend why he wouldn't just accept the way he said he felt and stay with me.

I hid in the bathroom, adding more carnage to my thighs. I needed to feel it all, instead of it being trapped inside my head. Kicking myself because of my weakness, I just sat on the floor and felt the sting.

When I finally got up, wrapped in a towel, I wandered into my bedroom. As I dressed, I felt the same feeling I had last week, which seemed so long ago now. Someone was watching me, I was sure. When it feels like you're being watched, it usually means that you are, in fact, being watched. I leaned out of the window, but saw nothing. Was Damon spying on me?

"Damon? Are you out here?" I had hoped he would answer by jumping through my window and epically kissing me, but there was no reply. Only silence and stillness.

I gave up with a sigh, and shut off the lights. Crawling in bed, trying to relax, the feeling of being watched never went away. I tried to take comfort in the fact that it was just Damon, and he was here, keeping an eye out for me. I just wanted him to be here with me, holding me.