Note: Quotes are from Simon and Garfunkel's "He Was My Brother" and Bastille's "Daniel In The Den".
Chapter 10
He was my brother
Tears can't bring him back to me
He was my brother
And he died so his brothers could be free
Kili opened his eyes to find Balin standing at the foot of his bed.
"Are you determined to kill yourself?!" The old dwarf near enough shouted.
Oin fussed at his side… Kili winced, his head hurt, his body ached… but he was in a soft bed. The young dwarf realised he'd been moved to his chambers.
"Hush Balin, keep your voice down". Oin muttered.
"I will shout until some sense penetrates the boy's thick skull! What were you thinking? First you go wandering the battle field in next to nothing and near catch your death, now this! I know you have suffered much but do you care nothing for the rest of us? Do you care nothing for your kingdom?"
"m'sorry…" Kili managed. "Didn't mean to…"
The anger drained away from Balin then. He seemed to shrink away as it left him. "Oh I suppose you didn't… but you did. Life is too precious to be thrown away so easily lad. Now I have seen you back in the land of the living I must go, I have a meeting with Dain. By my beard the line of Durin will be the death of me…"
As Balin swept out of the room Oin gave Kili's shoulder a comforting pat. "Pay him no mind… He is just under a lot of stress, between nearly losing you and Thorin… and then poor Fili. With no King everyone looks to him, and Balin is feeling the strain. There are politics at work now lad. We have been trying to keep it from your door, but it is only a matter of time before you get dragged into it…" Oin paused and sought a change of subject. "What were you thinking lad?"
Kili tried to push himself upright, the world spun dangerously and Oin moved to help him, shoving a few pillows behind his back to prop the young dwarf up.
"I just… I wanted the pain to end". Kili spoke morosely. "I didn't mean to… I didn't want to…"
The young dwarf struggled to explain himself. He wanted to deny what they clearly all thought, but he couldn't bear to address it.
"It's alright lad. You're just lucky the vial was near empty, it only takes a couple of drops to work. Even half a bottle would have seen you to the halls of Mahal. It will work its way from your system in no time… most of it already has".
Kili suddenly felt nauseous. Oin seemed to recognise the look that came over him and shoved a bowl onto his knee with a practised ease that said this wasn't the first time it had happened. The young dwarf retched unhappily.
As the spasm came to an end Oin took the bowl and helped Kili lay back. "I'm sorry Oin, you have been so good to me…"
"It's alright lad, I only ask that you get better. Rest. Let yourself heal".
"I will find no rest here… not without Fili". The young dwarf's pale face was full of misery. "Will Thorin recover?"
"He yet lives and breathes…" Oin seemed to be skirting around the truth.
Kili was in no mood for sugar coating. "Please, tell me plainly".
The older dwarf blew out a long breath. "If I could look into the future then I would… It is difficult to say with head injuries. Of all the mysteries in Middle Earth perhaps the greatest is that which lies between your ears. I managed to keep him breathing, but the rest is up to Thorin… I will not lie and tell you he will wake and be as good as new. Truthfully I cannot tell you he will wake at all. But your Uncle is as strong as an ox; a lesser dwarf would have passed from this world already".
The young dwarf let his head fall back with a sigh. It was heartening to hear Thorin was still with them. But he had hoped for better news. Kili's Uncle had been awake and talking… it seemed to be one step forwards and two steps back. He had to recover. Erebor needed its King. Thorin could not come this far only to fall now… If he never woke the crown would fall to… It would be… He would have to…
Kili shifted uncomfortably at the thought. The young dwarf tried to put it from his mind, but Balin's words as he woke came back to him… Do you care nothing for your kingdom?... Had he imagined it or did the old dwarf emphasise 'your'? No, it wasn't his, he didn't want it. He just wanted his brother. The hole in Kili's heart flared up, his chest felt like a gaping wound…
"Do you think you could manage some broth? You need to eat if you are to recover your strength". Oin's words broke through Kili's thoughts.
He had no appetite. Grief had stolen it away. "I don't think I could face anything Oin…"
"Let me get you some anyway. You grow as weak as a kitten, and I would be neglecting my duty to let you fade away so. You cannot live off air alone. Just try a bit. There was a fine smell coming from the kitchen, I'm sure Bombur has made something delicious".
The thought of food turned Kili's stomach, but he let the older dwarf go anyway. He might be able to choke down a mouthful to keep him happy. Kili did feel as if his energy had drained away to nearly nothing… but he could not eat. Is this what it was like to fade from grief? His body cried out for sustenance, but his spirit denied it. The four walls of his room suddenly seemed to close in… the stale air was hard to breathe. It seemed sickly and oppressive. He needed to get out, he needed air, he had to escape...
Kili swung his legs to the floor and paused a moment for the tilting world to right itself. Like a fawn finding its feet the young dwarf rose precariously and allowed himself to totter over to the door. He felt so lightheaded… Kili's shoulder protested as he hefted the door open and stepped out. On exiting the royal chambers the young dwarf was faced with a corridor and a number of passageways. For a moment his head spun, mixing up the passageways of Ered Luin with the unfamiliar halls of Erebor. Kili hadn't had much time to acquaint himself with this labyrinthine kingdom, but his feet knew one well worn path. He trusted them and followed shaky step, by shaky step, until he came out upon the parapets above Erebor's grand entrance.
Up here the air was fresh and fragrant. Kili took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. For a moment he lost himself in the feel of the wind against his face. When he opened them he looked down to the same place he had looked before. But instead of an orderly encampment and rocky landscape there were fires, there were lines of dead, and heaps of corpses… Kili's heart quailed; he quickly looked up and tried to erase the image from his mind. He didn't want to sully this place of solace with that… He wanted to remember an encampment with small campfires dotted about; he would rather recall a place with a maid fair enough to grace the stars with her footsteps. Tauriel… did she live? She had to, Kili couldn't bear any more losses, had he not lost enough already? He must send a message to their encampment. He had to find out
The young dwarf turned his eyes to the sky and watched clouds rush by in the breeze. He was alone out here. There was no Oin to fuss, no Balin to lecture, no Dwalin to… manhandle him. So with nothing and nobody else to occupy him Kili's thoughts turned entirely to his brother, and the wave of loss he had tried to stave off nearly took the legs from under him. Kili closed his eyes, leant forwards against the parapet and drew in a harsh breath. There was a hole in the world, and a gaping maw at his heart. Fili was gone… and somewhere along the line he had started to believe his brother was dead. The seed took root as he was carried away from sifting through corpses, but he refused to believe it. A voice at the back of Kili's head urged him not to give up, it told him Fili was missing… it insisted he was still alive. But every moment it weakened, he had no strength to sustain it, he had no strength…
Kili raised his head and used the last of it in a devastating shout to the heavens. "Where are you Fili?! Why did you leave?! If you're out there come back to me! You said you would come back! You promised!"
It was a cry from the soul that left a ravaged, shattered thing in its wake. Kili sank down to the ground, weakness taking his legs from him. He collapsed against the wall and wept. Thus far grief had been a beast that clawed at him, he had been through shock, anger, frustration… but now it was quiet. It wrapped around Kili and pulled away his defences bit by bit until the floodgates were down and he simply cried. He felt empty but for the tears. It was the sort of sadness that hit in the depths of night, when all was silent and loneliness a cruel comfort. For it would be an intrusion if anybody witnessed this sorrow, this complete dismantling of a soul... there was a purity in leaving it bare and raw. It couldn't be touched, it couldn't be relieved. The only relief possible was impossible. Kili could only be saved by Fili. If he could just feel his brother's hand upon his shoulder… The young dwarf tried to imagine it; he tried to feel the weight. But his brother was gone. He was alone and always would be… one half of a whole for now and ever more. Kili couldn't be saved, so he let the sadness run through him.
Endless warm tears graced Kili's cold cheeks… He was giving up. Bit by bit he was giving up on his brother. He always thought he would know if Fili were dead. He would feel it. They were linked by more than blood. He couldn't fathom this loss. He could not imagine a world where Fili was no longer at his side.
Suddenly Kili heard soft footsteps draw near… That was no dwarf. Kili's head shot up to find Bilbo stepping out on the parapet. The young dwarf scrambled a little, half gained his feet, and fell back again. He didn't want to be found here… not like this.
"I thought you might be up here". The hobbit spoke cautiously, as if he were approaching a wild animal. "Oin has everybody looking for you… You've given him quite a scare".
Kili wasn't sure he could trust his voice to speak, but Bilbo needed an answer. "I just wanted some air".
His voice wavered, but he managed words all the same.
"And you couldn't have told anybody where you were going?" Bilbo managed to chastise him without sounding like he was chastising him.
"They wouldn't have let me come". Kili's breath seemed to catch in his throat, he hissed a small sound of suffering.
The hobbit came to sit by him, close enough to offer companionship, but far enough to avoid intruding. "It seems an age ago we both sat here speaking of arkenstones and war".
Kili's own words came back to him… I have not seen real war. I hoped I would never have to… He had seen it now. Oh how he wished he hadn't. There was no glory in war. There were no heroes. Death stalked the field of battle indiscriminately. It took young and old, it cut down deserving and not so deserving alike. War was a chaotic bloodbath, the foundation every nightmare was built on. Kili was sure he would never sleep peacefully again.
"I wish we could go back". Kili ventured. "Do you ever think that? Do you ever wonder if you could go back… if you might be able to change anything? If we sat here as we did, would I be able to stop him? Would I be able to save him?"
"It does no good to wonder on what might have been. How far back should you go? What would have happened had I not taken the Arkenstone? Would Fili live if I did not come up with the plan to escape Mirkwood? Should I never have left my home in the first place? What is, is what must be. We cannot change it".
Kili wiped his eyes. "You speak like a wizard Master Hobbit".
"Only because I have spent far too much time with one… more time than a hobbit should be granted anyway. When I finally get back home my people are going to find me most queer I should imagine. Hobbits are not known for their adventuring". Bilbo turned to look Kili up and down. "Come on, let's get you back to bed. Can you walk or shall I fetch help? I'd imagine they'll swarm all over you the minute you're inside anyway".
The young dwarf sighed. He had been asked if he could walk far too many times of late… For someone used to trekking up and down mountains and through the wilds it was most frustrating. He had always railed against the accusation he was weak, but now it was undeniably true, and it hurt nearly as much as his wounds did.
"Let me try…" Slowly, with a hand on Bilbo, Kili managed to gain his feet. It was a small victory at least.
~oOo~
As Bilbo predicted they were set upon by dwarves and Kili was near enough carried back to his bed. He noted the now cold bowl of soup at his bedside and felt slightly bad… The young dwarf didn't feel any better when Oin burst through the door.
"You have tried Balin's patience and now you severely try mine! Why will you not stay in your bed? Must I tie you to it?" The old dwarf scowled fiercely. "Rest! Rest! You need rest! How many times must I say it? Now sit up, I need to change your bandages".
"I'm sorry…"
"You will be when you run yourself into the ground. You'll be sorry when you jostle that arm to the point of damage and spend the rest of your years as a cripple!"
Oin set about changing the dressing on his shoulder in a rough manner. He took no care to be gentle. Kili winced as it was pulled away and dried blood tugged at his stitches.
"Is the pain returning?"
It was. He felt Oin's every touch of the wound and his broken arm was starting to smoulder. Kili was loath to admit it… he just gave a slight nod.
"Maybe you need to feel it. Maybe it will make you realise how seriously you are wounded… but I am not cruel. I have a duty to you and I will see it done, no matter how disobedient you are. Unfortunately my supply of the draught is now gone". He gave Kili a pointed look. "I will need to seek some more, I'll return shortly. I'll bring some more broth too – and you will eat it".
Shortly after Oin left Bofur came in. Kili got the feeling he was there to keep watch more than offer comfort. But his company was welcome all the same. Bofur told him all the goings on about the mountain, the little stories of amusing interactions and a couple of rivalries that had sprung up with some of Dain's men. It gave Kili something to focus on, something to distract him from the pain… For his arm was now burning. He began to shift about uncomfortably at first, trying to concentrate on Bofur's words instead of the immeasurable hurting of his infernal limb. But eventually it sharpened to the point where nothing could distract him. He writhed beneath the sheets, tightly twisting the covers in the fist of his good hand. It was impossible to keep silent, at first small sounds of suffering escaped, but then he gasped and cried out. At some point his hand was taken from the sheets and clasped by another. He was too ensnared by pain to really notice. And then a cup was pressed to Kili's lips and he drank eagerly.
As the pain ebbed away, Kili lay back, breathing heavily. The world returned… Oin stood over him, and Bofur held his hand.
"Now do you understand?" The old dwarf spoke grimly. "That's your nerves screaming out with damage lad. Your arm needs rest, it needs to heal".
Kili looked up at him darkly.
"I came back as quickly as I could. I would not have left you to suffer like that needlessly… but I think you have learnt from it at least".
"My arm… will it heal?" Kili asked tentatively.
This had indeed been a wake up call. Up until now Oin's concoctions had taken the edge off his pain or left him numb entirely. The young dwarf could almost fool himself into thinking he was okay. It scared Kili to feel how damaged he truly was.
"Only time will tell. But you must rest and keep it still if the bones are to heal well. If they misalign as they fuse together you may end up permanently damaged… I am most worried about your wrist and hand, joints are complicated things and you have sustained complicated breaks. Kili lad, I cannot say what range of motion you will retain… Beyond bones your arm will waste with disuse, building it up again will be a long and painful path".
Oin's answer gave the young dwarf no courage. It seemed there was only a small chance he would ever get back to normal. "So you are saying I am likely to be crippled…"
The old dwarf wouldn't deny it. "I am saying nothing for certain. But you would do well to practice using your left hand. A bow might be beyond you, but either hand can wield a sword. Now eat this and get some rest".
A warm bowl of broth was placed on Kili's knee. He awkwardly took the spoon with his left hand and tried a mouthful. He didn't feel at all hungry, but managed to force it down to please Oin. The old dwarf stood watching at the foot of his bed and clearly wouldn't accept 'no' as an answer. Kili's arm was shaking by the time he finished the broth. It had been pleasantly warm, and he felt better for having finished it. Sleep came quickly after…
But sleep was not peaceful. Kili struggled and bled amidst countless enemies, stranded from his brother, unable to get to him, unable to save him. Then a mace came down to shatter the young dwarf, and he lay numb on the ground. Someone fell beside him. Pretty yellow flowers stained red as Kili watched the light leave Fili's eyes. The sound of battle faded in wake of his endless screams. Kili was left frozen, facing his brother's fixed pupils… staring death down eye to eye.
Kili woke suddenly, breathing hard. His face was wet with tears. Beside him reading a book was Ori. The scribe gave him a sympathetic look but said nothing. If Kili didn't want to talk he would not make him… Sleep was not a refreshing, healing, thing for Kili now. No matter how his body craved rest he would find none with closed eyes. It was exhausting, he almost felt more tired on waking… Waking was a relief, for a short time anyway. Fili's fate would come back to the young dwarf and steal it away. Relief was a fleeting thing only experienced in those suspended moments between sleep and reality. Kili wished he could lose himself in those gaps and wander amid the places between the places forever. The waking world dragged him back though, and there was always somebody by his side when he came to. The dwarves seemed to sit with him in shifts. Oin hadn't tied Kili to the bed as he had threatened… but he would still make sure the young dwarf couldn't wander.
Kili almost felt a prisoner; his companions were now his guards. Some sat quietly, some tried to make conversation. Bofur was always animated and full of stories. Kili was glad for the distraction, for Bofur would talk with or without Kili's input. He sometimes found himself crying… he didn't mean to, it just happened. It caught Kili off guard, these silent, unbidden tears. If Bofur noticed he didn't let on, he chattered away while the young dwarf wiped furiously at his eyes. Sorrow was a strange thing. It had ravaged Kili, then it had broken him down, and now it crept up quietly... He did not sob or cry out, the tears just ran when the hollow at Kili's heart became too much. He couldn't stop it or control it. The older dwarves seemed to understand. 'It will get better with time' they said. But Kili almost didn't want it to… if this gaping wound at his core ever healed it would mean Fili's loss was fading. It would mean he had learned to live alone. His brother would pass into memory, and then beyond, out of Kili's reach.
When next Ori came to watch over Kili, the young scribe started scribbling away at something.
"What are you writing?" It caught Kili's interest.
"Just an account of the battle, I thought it best to get down while it's still fresh in my memory". Ori gave him a hesitant smile.
Still fresh? How nice it must be to let that particular memory fade… Kili saw the battle every time he closed his eyes. It was so real and vivid he felt he was still there.
"May I have a piece of parchment and quill? I need to write a letter". Kili asked.
"Of course, here you go". Ori laid them out on his bedside table and pulled it over to a better position.
"Thank you".
Kili swung his legs over the side of his bed and came to lean on the table. He took the quill in his left hand, it felt awkward, but he needed to get this written. He had to find out how Tauriel fared. Kili missed her… he missed their easy talks, their contemplation of the stars. Bofur tried to entertain him with stories of the dwarves knocking their heads together, but he could not touch Tauriel's tales. They lightened his heart and spirited him away to walk amongst the firmament. The stars were full of memory, and he wanted to live in memory… Fili's memory.
He put the feather tip to paper and scratched a line. Doing that much felt like an achievement. The line swirled off to a letter, and then another. It was shakily done and slow going, but Kili eventually formed a word. The second didn't go so well, a swirl slipped and marred the sheet.
Kili made a small sound of frustration. "May I have another piece?"
Ori smiled and nodded. Kili made out a whole sentence before the quill betrayed him. He screwed up the parchment and Ori quietly replaced it. The young dwarf tried to be more careful, but writing with his left hand was so unnatural. He bent closer to the table, trying to master every stroke… and then a damp blotch appeared on the paper. For a fleeting moment he thought it was raining, he quickly realised it was his own tears that fell across the page. One ran into the ink, causing a streak across the three lines he had written. Kili cursed and wiped at his eyes.
"Who is it you write to?" Ori asked quietly. "Your mother?"
He must have thought that was the cause of his tears.
Dis… oh, she would need to be told. Had word already been sent? How could he break that news? That one son would not be returning to her? And she may yet lose her brother. Only Kili remained whole… or half, crippled in both limb and heart. She had given Kili that rune stone and made him promise to return. Dis thought her reckless son the one at risk. Not Fili, not the heir to the throne, the one with a responsible head on his shoulders… Suddenly Kili's heart quailed at the thought of seeing his mother again. He could not bear to see grief strip away the light in her eyes. He wanted to feel her comforting embrace… but it would be tainted with sorrow. A clinging to what was left, rather than a warm relief.
Kili stared at the tear stained parchment before screwing it up and throwing it into a corner of the room. He sighed heavily and held his hand out, motioning for another piece.
"I'm writing to Tauriel. She's the elf who… she saved me". Kili stopped himself before he spoke about matters of love. "I don't know if she is well… I don't even know if she survived".
Ori hesitated before handing over another sheet. "Would you like me to write for you?"
Kili would rather have written the note himself. He wouldn't feel comfortable saying all he wanted to Ori… but then why should he feel shame?
"Very well". Kili paused as Ori took out another piece of parchment. "Tauriel… I hope this note finds you well. The battle took much from me, if it has taken you too I could not bear it… Please tell me you live and you are well. I miss you as I miss the moon and stars on an overcast night. For I watch them now with you in mind. I long for the day we can watch them side by side. See me before you go back to Mirkwood, come to the mountain and I will show you where I sit and watch the sky. It is like another world up there. I miss you, and I hope you haven't forgotten me… Kili".
As Ori signed off he looked to Kili with a small smile. "I did not think you were such a wordsmith Kili".
"It is her… she has done this to me. I always thought the light of the stars was cold and remote before she opened my eyes. Oh she is beautiful Ori… I never thought to look for beauty in an elf, nor did I think to find meaning in stars. Her eyes shine more than any precious stone and her smile is warm as a summer's day. I would give aught for a lock of her long red hair, and I would treasure it more than the gold beneath this mountain…" Kili felt himself able to open up all of a sudden. Ori didn't feel as if he had that anti-elf prejudice ground as deeply in him.
"Long red hair you say?"
"Aye, to her waist it was. You might remember her; she took us prisoner and saved us from the orcs at the gate".
"Well there was a lot going on at the gate, but I think I remember her well enough. She lives Kili. I saw her around the healing tents after the battle".
"It was her? You are sure?" Kili had not had much cause for relief of late, but this news certainly made him glad.
"I would stake my share of treasure on it".
"Ori, you bring me such good news, I almost can't believe it". Kili sat back in bed, feeling a weight lift from his chest.
"I will see your letter sent. You will see her again, I'm sure of it".
One nagging question flitted about the back of Kili's mind… If she had been around the healing tents, why had she not visited him? Had Tauriel forgotten him already? No… best to wait and see, she would reply to his letter, she would come.
~oOo~
And for every king that died
Oh they would crown another
Kili was beset by the horrors of battle once again, but it was different. This time his brother struggled to reach him. This time he fell, choking on his own blood. This time his failing eyes watched Fili beg him to stay alive. But darkness crept in, and Kili's deathly stare became that which haunted him night after night…
The young dwarf woke with a gasp. He drank in the air, momentarily expecting to drown in his life's blood. But then reality coalesced around him… Raised voices came from outside his door. It sounded like Oin and Balin. Their voices were too muffled to make out words, but they were clearly having a disagreement.
The door opened a crack " –ust let him hear what I have to say".
Balin strode through and stood at the foot of Kili's bed. Oin came to sit by him… The young dwarf pushed himself up, his confusion meeting Balin's exasperation.
Oin addressed him gently. "Kili lad… I told you before that you would get dragged into this. For my part I would keep you from it a little longer…"
"We don't have the luxury of time Oin. I am going to speak plainly lad, but I do so with no other choice… Erebor needs a King. Thorin has not woken, and if he ever does wake it is not likely he will be fit for the position". Balin shot a glance at Oin. Clearly Thorin was in a worse state than Kili had hoped. "With Fili gone - and may Mahal care for his soul - the Crown falls to you".
Kili was momentarily speechless.
"I… I don't want it. Find somebody else".
"There is nobody else". Balin said grimly. "Nobody of direct lineage at least. You would disgrace your house to refuse it".
"Then let it be disgraced. Let the line of Durin fall and be forgotten. Do you think it matters to me when this mountain and Thorin's accursed quest took my brother? Now you seek to put me in his place? The crown is Fili's, he was made for it, not me".
"You both were. He was the firstborn and likely to bear it, but you were the second in line. Should he be unable to take the crown it was always going to be yours". Balin spoke sternly.
"Unable? Unable you say?" Kili's temper was rapidly unravelling. "He is unable because he is DEAD! I wish we had never set out on this quest! He would still be with me… I would rather have a brother than a kingdom! That crown is wet with his blood and you would have me wear it? I will not touch it!"
"Kili, this kingdom is yours…" Balin tried to interrupt.
"I spit upon it! I curse Erebor to its last stone!"
"You don't mean that…"
"I do! I wish the dragon had destroyed it, I wish he had razed it to the ground so no dwarf of Durin's line would hope to reclaim it. This is no home… it will never be home without him. I want to go home… but Ered Luin will still be without him. Everywhere I look he is missing, I don't belong anywhere…" Shouting had drained Kili of energy. As the young dwarf began to flag he realised hot tears graced his cheeks.
Oin glared at Balin and spoke under his breath. "I told you he was not ready…"
"Oh lad… I am sorry". Seeing Kili in this state seemed to have softened Balin. "I would not lay this on you now. I would give you time to grieve and heal, but other eyes look to the crown. Dain has a distant claim, but it is a legitimate claim all the same…"
"Then let Dain have the crown. I don't want it".
"He is a good man, but I cannot say the same of his captains. They push him to take Erebor, and they in turn would take our riches. We would lose everything we fought for… everything Fili fought for. Would you see him give his life for nothing?"
"He lost his life protecting his kin, not gold". Kili spoke bitterly.
"Erebor is more than its gold lad. I hope you will see it in time. Every stone holds history, the stories of your ancestors… and it is the people that give these halls life, from the eldest white beard to the youngest child… They are your people, they are yours to protect".
"I can't protect them. I can't even protect my own brother…" Kili's silent tears ran freely. He wanted to be angry, but his heart was hollow once again. There was no fire to be kindled in his depths.
"You are stronger than you know Kili, you are every bit as strong as your brother. You have to fight. Fili would not let his sword fall and turn away as usurpers took everything from him. He would fight".
"I am not my brother… I am not ready, I can't…"
"You can, and we are all here to help you. But first you have to help yourself. Find your courage and rise up". Balin had drawn closer, fire lighting up his eyes. "There is a council meeting to be held later today, and your presence has been requested. You need not say anything or make any decisions, just show your face… show them you are well. For they have written off the line of Durin. They say Thorin is beyond hope, Fili is dead, and Kili is hurt in body and mind. They say you are not fit for the crown. We need to show them they are wrong. We need to show them the line of Durin is not so easily broken".
Kili said nothing. He looked up at Balin with sorrowful eyes. The young dwarf started to consider his words. Would it be selfish of him to forsake the throne and Erebor's people? When they returned from exile would they despair to find their hard won home stripped and ruled by another?
"Alright, just think on it… I have preparations to make".
As Balin left, Kili turned to Oin. "What are your thoughts on this matter?"
"Well, I can't say I agree with the way Balin has gone about it… but I do agree with him. Like it or not this is your kingdom lad. We did not come all this way to place another on the throne… We're counting on you. For what it's worth I think you'll make a good King. Once we get that reckless streak in hand anyway". Oin gave him a small smile.
Kili lay back and sighed. He was not made for this… He was meant for simple matters, like hunting with his brother, not great decisions that changed the course of kingdoms.
"It's too big Oin… it's just too big. When did the world get so complicated?"
"It always has been complicated lad. You just tend to be a bit older when you realise it. There's more to lose… more to fight for. The innocent eyes of youth are blessed with ignorance".
Maybe it was time to grow up. Maybe it was time to stand up and fight.
~oOo~
Note: There we go, I haven't left it in such a horrible place this time :) I was hoping to get this out to you sooner, but this week has been mad. Between work and rehearsals I've hardly had a minute to myself... save to say I'm due on stage with the London Philharmonic Orchestra in a matter of hours o_o;; My choir's doing a concert with them and Kerry Ellis tonight *squee* Gotta rush off for last rehearsal! Waaah!