Congar the Gorilla: A Study in Rottenness

A Tales of the Rotten Special by Christopher Magician

Greetings and good day! I'd like to welcome all you fellow writers and readers of fanfiction to this very special chapter of Tales of the Rotten. Now, I'm aware that everyone who's been following this story so far (a big thanks to all of you for making it a success!) would expect a bit of rottenness involving the Love Hina cast, most likely wrapped with innuendo and packaged in the disturbing gelatinous substance usually found in a can of Spam. Seeing as this is a Love Hina fanfic that is a perfectly reasonable assumption. However, today I'll be taking a moment to appreciate a reader and reviewer who deserves some special recognition for his uniqueness. This sparkling individual's name is Congar the Gorilla.

If you're like me, and take pleasure in reading over the reviews for stories you enjoyed, you may have noticed Congar's message to me. If not, and for the sake of clarity within this chapter, I will now relate to you his review in its entirety:

"Christopher Magician SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! And you really SUCK LIKE HELL you moronic shit of a human being, bloody shit ass from bloody ass hell, you suck, your fics suck everything suck! I HATE YOU MORONIC ASSHOLE FROM FUCKLAND! ROAR! I'm a MONSTER who is going to crush your tiny little balls you sick freaky shitty peice of shit!

"I don't have e-mail, but if you hate me, write it on your review, SUCKER FROM BLOODY HELL ASSHOLE SHITLAND, FUCKLAND! ROAR! I'M CONGAR THE GORILLA, ROAR!"

Obviously, Congar had some very profound issues with my work. On an equally obvious note, they were not favorable. Despite these facts, I'm an individual who tries to remain conscious of the fact that people do NOT have to read or review my work. They do it because they want to, and because they have either something nice or critical to tell me. Criticism is an extremely useful tool for an author; without it, I'd have no idea if my work sucked or not. Again, obviously, Congar thought it did.

The problem with Congar's brand of criticism is that it's a bit difficult to locate the constructive parts of it. Since he can apply pressure to his keyboard, I can determine that he is aware of the alphabet, and that each letter represents a sound. Since these letters and their corresponding sounds form words, I'm able to surmise that he understands the English language. Good job, Congar! English is a tough language to learn, but you've clearly mastered its basics. For this, I praise you.

Since we now know that Congar and speak and write, we can begin to examine his review and attempt to locate its meaning. Let's look over the first line:

"Christopher Magician SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS!"

Hmm. The first two words are my screen name—this was easy to figure out. The rest of the 'sentence', as it were, is composed of the word 'sucks' and an exclamation point. An exclamation is generally used to convey strong emotion, so we can be sure that Congar's conviction for this thought is a powerful one.

Webster's defines the word 'suck' as, "To draw (liquid) into the mouth; to draw in, as by suction; to draw nourishment from with the mouth." Using this definition, we can now see that Congar is forcefully telling me either my mouth is open, and producing a force of inward suction, or that I am extremely well-nourished. Thanks for letting me know, Congar! My mouth is closed at the moment, but it's always nice to be aware of one's state of health!

Let's have a look at the second line, shall we?

"And you really SUCK LIKE HELL you moronic shit of a human being, bloody shit ass from bloody ass hell, you suck, your fics suck everything suck!"

The first bit of this sentence is a little on confusing side. Congar is still set on convincing me that I'm healthy, but he is also connecting the word 'Hell' with the previous concept.

Webster's defines 'Hell' as, "The place of punishment for the wicked after death." Since Hell is, by definition, a location, it can't easily apply an oral force of suction. However, there are geographic phenomena that can produce an upward draft, due to the path of air moving through formations of rock. Logically, we can see that Congar is envisioning Hell as a canyon of some sort, and one that produces a vertical breeze. Interesting, don't you agree? Congar has quite an imagination!

Next in the sentence is the phrase, "you moronic shit of a human being", which does not look to be a happy comment. Webster's declined to provide a definition for 'shit', but Fanfiction.Net's capable dictionary was happy to offer the following:

1) obscene terms for feces
2) a ludicrously false statement
3) a coarse term for defecation; "he took a shit" (obscene)
5) insulting terms of address for people who are stupid or irritating or ridiculous
6) something of little value; "it is not worth a damn";"not worth shucks
7) a narcotic that is considered a hard drug; a highly addictive morphine derivative
8) give away information about somebody; "He told on his classmate who had cheated on the exam
9) have a bowel movement; "The dog had made in the flower beds"

In addition, FFN's definition for 'moronic' is, "having a mental age of between eight and twelve years."

Now that we have some information, we can use process of elimination to figure out what Congar's phrasing translates into. Since he is using the word 'shit' as an adjective, and in conjunction with 'moronic', the best choice is the fifth definition. Therefore, Congar thinks I am irritating, insulting, and posses the intellect of a person between the ages of eight and twelve. Congar sure comes up with some colorful descriptions, doesn't he?

That leaves us with the second half of this sentence, "shit ass from bloody ass hell, you suck, your fics suck everything suck". Once again, let's check Fanfiction.Net's dictionary. There, we find that 'ass' is defined as:

1) A quadruped of the genus Equs, smaller than the horse, and having a peculiarly harsh bray and long ears.
2) A dull, heavy, stupid fellow; a dolt.

and that 'bloody' means:

1) Containing or resembling blood; of the nature of blood; as, bloody excretions; bloody sweat.
2) Smeared or stained with blood; as, bloody hands; a bloody handkerchief.
3) Given, or tending, to the shedding of blood; having a cruel, savage disposition; murderous; cruel
4) Attended with, or involving, bloodshed; sanguinary; esp., marked by great slaughter or cruelty; as, a bloody battle.
5) Infamous; contemptible; -- variously used for mere emphasis or as a low epithet. [Vulgar]

Now, according to a recent IQ test I participated in, I'm not particularly stupid. I don't claim to be the next Einstein, but I don't usually drool on myself either. Therefore, we can rule out the first definition of 'ass', and since 'bloody' is an adjective in this case, the most likely definition is number three. Since we've already deciphered the other uncommon words in the sentence, it is now possible to see that I am (in Congar's enlightened opinion) an irritating but well-nourished donkey with a savage disposition, and that my fanfiction produces a steady oral intake of oxygen, as does everything else. Whew! That's a lot of suction going on!

Now, the last few lines are intriguing, because they introduce some very exciting ideas.

"I HATE YOU MORONIC ASSHOLE FROM FUCKLAND! ROAR! I'm a MONSTER who is going to crush your tiny little balls you sick freaky shitty peice of shit!"

"I don't have e-mail, but if you hate me, write it on your review, SUCKER FROM BLOODY HELL ASSHOLE SHITLAND, FUCKLAND! ROAR! I'M CONGAR THE GORILLA, ROAR!"

The terms 'fuckland' and 'shitland' were nowhere to be found in any dictionary I checked. ('Roar' is, incidentally, defined as a 'deep, loud sound'.) If we are to believe what Congar is saying, then there are two countries, Fuckland and Shitland, which modern geography has overlooked! Astounding! Furthermore, since Congar claims to be a monster, it isn't outside the realm of possibility that he himself is from these isolated, foreign lands! (This goes a long way in explaining his odd use of adjectives and sentence structure.) I'm sure that I'm not alone in my exhilaration at the prospect of establishing relations with two entirely new cultures, am I? I didn't think so!

Congar goes on to proclaim that he is going to 'crush your (my) tiny little balls'. He seems to be operating under the misconception that I play organized sports, and since the aforementioned balls are tiny, I would guess he's talking about golf. Sorry, Congar, but I usually stick to biking and weight lifting, and I don't actually own any golf balls. He also thinks I am ill and abnormal. On some days I might agree with the latter, but I can assure all readers that my health is fine. Congar goes on to reiterate a few of his earlier statements, call me a piece of feces, and to ask for a reply to his message. No problem, Congar.

Now that we've gotten through the bulk of the review, let's do one final, comprehensive translation before wrapping things up. Here we go:

"Christopher Magician, you are extremely well-nourished! I feel very, very strongly about this! You produce an upward draft, such as Hell would if it were a canyon or other natural rock formation! You are irritating, insulting, and posses the intellect of a person between the ages of eight and twelve! You are an irritating but well-nourished donkey with a savage disposition, and your fanfiction produces a steady oral intake of oxygen, as does everything else! I hate you, you individual from my home country, Fuckland! Deep, loud sound! I am a monster who will crush the golf balls you employ in organized sports, you unhealthy, abnormal piece of excrement!

"I do not have an email address, but if you loathe me as I loathe you, respond with a review, you taker of oral nourishment from irritating place of torment, Shitland, Fuckland! Deep, loud sound! I am Congar the Gorilla! Deep, loud sound!"

So, there you have it, readers—thanks to a bit of research and hard work, we can all tell exactly what Congar meant. I sincerely hope that this has been an informative and entertaining exercise, and that all of you will come back once more for the next installment of Tales of the Rotten. Peace!

Christopher Magician